Tiniest Notion
by Addicted2Words17
Summary: Ashley Davies loves her life, but is she living it with the right girl. Spashley.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own any of the characters except for Jessica, Amy, and Kyle. I do not own South of Nowhere or anything really, but oh how I wish I did.

Tiniest Notion

She should be on her way right now. In a couple of minutes I should hear a knock outside my window signifying her arrival. I can never sleep without knowing she's safe and I know she's safe when she's here. Then again even when she is here I still don't sleep, I watch her. I watch her slowly close her eyes and her chest rise and fall. She knows I watch her and I rarely sleep at night. I've heard her express her concern that I worry too much even though she knows I won't stop. I always tell her I worry just enough and that it happens when you love someone. Then we leave the topic alone knowing that we'll return to it again. I hear a light tapping at my window breaking me out of my thoughts. The tapping gets a little louder letting me know I should move faster. I get out of bed and open my window to a very cold brunette.

"It's freezing out here" are the first words she says.

I reach for her arm to help her in safely off the ladder she climbed up on. "Nice time try this new invention called a jacket".

When she's in my room completely she wraps her arms around my neck. "Why would I do that when I have a perfectly good girlfriend waiting for me here?"

I wrap my arms around her and leans my forehead on hers. My room is dark and the only light is coming from my television.

"Hey" she says.

"Hey".

She presses her lips lightly against mines and pulls away.

"Did you have trouble getting out tonight?"

"A little, but I'm here now"

She moves away from me and climbs into my bed, already wearing clothes to sleep in.

"Come on you know the routine" she pats the spot next to her. I walk towards the bed and climb over her to my side on the left. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno is on and she's watching intently.

"I hate this show"

"Then why were you watching it"

"I was waiting on you to come over and the remote was too far". I wrapped my arms around her and she put her head on my chest. "The show has gone downhill since the writers strike. You start to realize he isn't that funny and…" I pause when I hear a light snore. When I look down I realize she is sound asleep. This happens a lot but it doesn't bother me, I knew it was a matter of time. I brush her hair behind her ears and kiss her head.

"I love you Ashley" I hear her whisper.

I don't respond and she knows I won't. I've never told her I loved her but she knows I do.

There is no doubt I love Jessica Dennison, I just wish I could say it.


	2. Chapter 2

Tiniest Notion

"Ashley, mom wants you up" I growl as my sister tries to wake me. We aren't close; this is really the only time we talk.

"Ashley get…"

"I hear you Kyla I'm up okay" I hear my door close and I know she's gone. When I roll over I realize Jessica's gone too but I'm not surprised. She is never here when I wake up and I never ask her to stay. It serves no purpose because I know she won't. I get out of bed and walk to my drawer and pull out clothes for today. About an hour later I'm showered and dressed, ready to go. I do my make up, grab my keys, and head downstairs. When I get close to the door I hear my mother's voice.

"You're not eating with me and your sister?" I turn around and see her placing two plates on the table.

"No"

"Okay, I'm guessing you will be visiting your father tonight"

"Yes mom just like I do every day"

"Its not healthy you know"

"Bye mom" Those are my last words to her before leaving the house. I get into my Porsche and pull out of the driveway. My mom and I aren't the best of 

friends. She thinks I should be more like Kyla even though she's a year younger. My dad felt differently though, he thought I was perfect the way I was. He said I was his little rock star so I shouldn't care what anybody thinks. I think my parents decided a long time ago who their favorite kid was. It never bothered Kyla or me because we both got attention.

I pull up to school to see a boy and girl waiting by my usual parking spot. They come around to the driver's side and I get out of the car.

"Hey babe" Jessica greets me with a kiss on my cheek. I wave to the Aiden, her brother and my other best friend. Jessica and Aiden are twins you can tell their related by looking at them. They have the same hair color, eyes, and they both are good looking. I've known them since I was born, my parents and their parents were close. It was always just the three of us. Aiden gives me a quick wave and signs to me good morning. Another thing about Aiden is he doesn't talk, ever. He use to up until we were six and his and Jessica's mom disappeared. It was unexpected it happened while she was supposed to be watching Aiden, she just left. Nobody knew what happened or why she did it. Jessica and Mr. Dennison came home and police were surrounding the house. Apparently Aiden almost burned the house down trying to cook something to eat and called the police because he got scared. They came and tried to ask what happened but he wasn't talking. He didn't even talk to Jessica or me when we were alone. Mr. Dennison started to send him and Jessica to sign language classes and I tagged along. It took us a long time but eventually we became decent at it.

The bell rings so I laced my fingers with Jessica's and we walked into King High. Jessica looked behind us and I realize Aiden isn't walking with us. He is still looking towards the parking lot, most likely for Kyla. Aiden has been in love with Kyla since his mom left. I don't know exactly what happened between them that he started feeling this way, he won't tell me. They aren't 

dating though; I don't even think Kyla even realizes that she holds Aiden's heart. If she did I don't think she would be as careless as she is now. At school she ignores him most of the time only acknowledging those of equal rank in the popular scale. I wish Aiden would have fallen in love with someone else, someone who would recognize how great he is.

"He is going to be late to class" I express to Jessica.

"I don't think he cares" Jessica responds and pulls me towards our class. "Don't worry about him Ashes"

"I can't help it he's doomed for heartbreak"

"And how do you know this?"

"I know my sister Jesse; she's a stuck up cheerleader and…" I was silenced when she put her finger on my lip.

"You don't even talk to your sister so how do you know what type of person she is? When was the last time you two actually talked?" I was about to respond when she stops me. "And that doesn't include when she wakes you up because she's forced to do that".

"I just know her she's just like my mom and that's not a compliment. Can we drop the subject now?"

"You brought it up Ashes", she whispers. We continue our walk in silence until we get to the door of our class. I grab her waist to pull her close but she winces and pulls away.

"I'm sorry", I offer thinking she is mad.

"Its not you, its just…… I was late getting home yesterday."

"Are you okay?" I ask knowing what that meant.

"Yeah it just hurts for now".

Mr. Dennison took his wife's disappearance hard. He came to the conclusion that it was his children's fault she left, more specifically Aiden. That's when the beatings started he wanted them to pay for pushing his wife away. Jessica didn't tell me when it first happened I found out when she knocked on my window one night. It was raining and she was crying harder than I had ever seen her cry.

_(Flashback 10 years ago)_

I'm woken out of my sleep by knocking coming from somewhere. It takes me awhile to figure out its coming from my window. I put on my power ranger gloves ready to fight off any monsters. What I don't expect to find is my best friend drenched from the rain and waiting for me to open the window. I quickly it and let her in off the ledge near my window. When she's safe inside I notice she's been crying and still is crying. I'm about to ask what's wrong when all of a sudden she clings to me and cries into my shoulder. She keeps saying something but I can't hear her because her voice is muffled.

"Jesse what's going on?"

"She left because of me", she says in a low voice.

"Who did?"

"My mom, she left because me and Aiden were bad. That's why he does it because we were bad and made Mommy leave". I see the tears falling more and more but I don't understand it's been a year and I thought everything was better.

"Does what Jesse?"

"Hits us" I don't speak I just let her keep talking still in shock from hearing someone would dare hurt poor innocent Jesse, my best friend in the whole wide world. The one who shares her pudding with me anytime she has some because she knows it's my favorite. "He hits us all the time and it hurts Ashes. He yells and says he wishes we were gone like mommy but we deserve it don't we Ashes? It doesn't mean he doesn't love us, does it?" She puts her face back in my shoulder and I hug her, still wearing my power ranger gloves. I wondered if they would make me strong enough to protect Jesse. After awhile we lay down in my bed and I continue to hold her.

"He won't get you here Jesse; I'll fight him and make him go away. I'm a power ranger and no one ever messes with a power ranger." She looks up at me and smiles.

"You promise you'll protect me Ashes?"

"I promise"

_(Flashback ends)_

She started coming over ever night after that, leaving before her dad woke up. The beatings continued to occur and I stopped believing that power rangers were real. She made me promise to never tell anyone and I never did. I couldn't imagine how she goes through all the stuff at home then act like nothing happened at school. Aiden was the same way and unlike Jessica he never let me see his bruises. I think in some way Aiden thinks he deserves it.

The bell rings and I'm brought out of my thoughts. Jessica grabs my hand and nods her head towards the door. I walk in with her and trail behind her as we sit in our seats. Jessica sits in front of me and Aiden sits to the side but he wasn't in class yet. As soon as I think of Aiden he comes in quickly taking his seat. I look over towards him and sign to him asking him where he was. He signs back saying that he got held up. I know what that means, he was following Kyla. I'm about to tell him he should stop being a stalker when Jessica stops me mid way. She signs to him that he should be more aware of the clock next time. He nods and the class starts so we all pay attention.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own anything, but the characters I create.

Tiniest Notion

Classes went on and lunch came finally. I walked with my arm around Jessica's waist making jokes about teachers.

"Jesse his hair line was like a roller coaster" She laughs until her face turns completely red. "You look like a tomato now. I think that should be your new name, Tomato"

"Does that mean I can go back to calling you Ranger?" she asks smiling at me as we come to a stop and stare at each other.

"I'm not into power rangers anymore. That was the old dorky me"

"I liked you when you were like that"

"What? You don't like me now" I say half serious half joking.

"I do but I liked you then too. You were my power ranger"

"I didn't realize you had a thing for power rangers" I say with a smile.

"What can I say? I'm a sucker for a hero" She puts her hand on my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. Kyla and the rest of the cheerleaders pass by snickering. Jessica rolls her eyes and ignores it while I have a need to talk to my sister. I start to walk towards them when I see Aiden carrying his lunch tray. He sees Kyla and she does something I would have never expected, she waves. Aiden is so thrown off that he trips and falls face down, his tray of food spilling everywhere. The cheerleaders start laughing loudly and 

obnoxiously, that is until Kyla silences them. Jessica and I head over to help him up but Kyla beats us to it. She leans down and holds out her hand. He sees it and grabs it, getting up in the process. He looks so stunned by the time we reach him. We see Kyla smile at him before she speaks.

"It can get tricky walking around these parts, be more careful next time." She starts walking backwards towards her friends. "Hate to see something happen to you Aiden" with that she walked away with her friend.

Aiden stares dumbly after her and I wave my hands in front of his face to get his attention.

"Is anybody home?" Aiden shakes his head and a smile comes across his face. It grows into a full on grin and I know that his day has just been made.

"Seems like Kyla is changing", Jessica says shrugging her shoulders. Its true, a couple of days ago she would have laughed too and went about her way.

"Something's happening to her", I reply.

School ends after a couple more hours and I'm waiting outside Jessica's last period. She comes out carrying her books in one arm and smiling. I know she loves it when I wait outside her class. She walks towards me and I push myself off the wall I was leaning on. My hands are behind my back so she can't see what I'm holding.

"Hey babe"

"Pick a hand, any hand" I pronounce with a smile.

"Does this game have a purpose?"

"Just pick a hand"

"Okay um… left one" she guessed right so I pull my hand from behind me and reveal the gift. "Pop rocks", she says in complete awe. If there is one candy Jessica loves, its pop rocks.

"Gifts like this remind me why I love you"

"And here I thought it was my shinning personality" I grab Jessica's books and walk with her.

"Are you going to walk me to art?" Jessica lays her head on my shoulder while we walk. She is an amazing artist so much so that her teacher put her in an after school program. I have the first painting she ever made on my wall in my room. She has my first song in a frame in hers. Her painting was of me so in return I made a song about her.

"Yeah but Aiden said he wanted us to meet him at the football field"

"What do you think that's about?"

"I'm not sure but he made it seem important"

Jessica and I walk over to the field to see a bunch of football players crowded around. We walk to the sidelines and end up near the cheerleaders.

"Where is Aiden?" I ask looking around.

The coach of the team blows his whistle and everyone gets quiet. His voice then projects across the field.

"Today marks the first day of try outs. Now we can't guarantee you will all be Cobras, but we can guarantee we will give you all a fair shot. We are going to start with what is called a receiver concentration drill. This is where the quarterback will throw the ball and as soon as the wide receivers hands touch it there will be three defenders ready to jam him."

The guys on the field all cheered like the thought of beating some dumb kid's head in was fun. Then I thought about it, they're boys, of course they think its fun. The cheerleaders all jumped and kicked like they were in a Bruce Lee film, with Kyla leading them. The coach blew his whistle again calming everybody down.

"Okay first up for our receivers…"

"I feel bad for the poor boy that is first. Those defenders look like they could do some damage" I hear one of the cheerleaders say.

"Aiden Dennison" I check Jessica to make sure I heard right and her mouth is wide open. We watch as Aiden jogs to the coach and puts on his helmet.

"They'll let anybody try out" the same cheerleader makes another comment but this time Kyla tells her to shut up. Kyla then continues to watch the field and bites her nails, she actually looks worried.

"Now son, on my whistle I want you to run a couple of yards, catch the ball and try to get through the defenders. Do you understand?" Aiden doesn't respond he just stands there.

"Hey coach I heard he can't talk"

"No you idiot he can't hear"

"I heard its both"

The players argue about Aiden until the coach blows his whistle. Jessica runs on the field and I go after her. She reaches the coach and I'm right behind her but slightly winded.

"Just blow the whistle and stop arguing like he's not here" Jessica says firmly. She walks over to Aiden and starts signing to him. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she both says and signs. Aiden just responds with a head nod to the coach. The coach then proceeds to blow the whistle and Aiden takes off running. One of the other players throws the ball and Jessica grabs my hand. Aiden catches it and Jessica and I start cheering. He runs a short distance only to get hit by one defender then pummeled by two more. The guys that hit him all high five each other while Aiden lies on the ground. Aiden gets up and jogs back to where the coach is.

"Are you ready to go again?" the coach asks. Aiden again only nods and prepares himself to go. The whistle blows and Aiden takes off again, this time his hands don't even fully touch the ball before he's knocked down. The defenders do their victory celebration while Aiden is down. Aiden then gets up again and jogs back towards us. He then continues this process of getting 

beaten down all of them ending the same, with him trudging back towards the coach. After awhile the coach stops him and makes him sit down on the benches. Jessica and I follow behind him keeping quiet.

"You're getting your ass kicked out there"

Well… we were being quiet until Jessica said that.

"What are you trying to do Aiden? Kill yourself because if that is your goal, let me tell you you're doing an amazing job" Jessica's hands are signing rapidly but Aiden ignores her and looks to the side. I follow his gaze and realize what all of this is about.

"You're doing it for her" Aiden stares at me and I start signing. "You want to join the team for Kyla, so she'll notice you". He doesn't respond and silence overcomes us.

"I have to get to art club, I'll see you later Ashes" Jessica kisses my cheek and then stares at Aiden. "You know I worry Aide, with everything else that goes on, I just… I don't want you to be in anymore pain". Aiden stands up and signs to her that he will be fine. He hugs her before running back to the field. Kyla starts to cheer for him.

"Woo Aiden" Aiden looks towards her and trips while walking. I suppress my laugh and smile at Jessica.

"And you tell me not to worry"

"This is different Ashes; he's not a football player." Jessica looks towards 

Aiden then back at me. "Hey you should get going and visit your dad"

I check my phone for the time "Yeah you're right. I'll see you later". I give her one more kiss before I head towards my car.


	4. Chapter 4

Tiniest Notion

My dad passed away when I was eight years old. He was a famous musician and a great father. Before he died he was in a coma from a car accident. My mom decided to pull the plug on him after hearing he was non responsive. I hated her back then for her decision and some part of me still does.

After he died I didn't know what to do, how to feel, or who to blame. Aiden told me he heard that if you went somewhere really high, people in heaven can hear you. The next day after he told me that I walked to a park used for hiking my dad use to take me to, it has the perfect view of L.A. I found a rock and sat on it for hours waiting for some divine moment. When nothing happened I just started talking. I talked to him about mom, Kyla, Aiden and Jessica. After I told him about my day and all the stuff in between… I told him I missed him. I told him how I still wait in bed every morning believing that at any second he would walk in and tickle me out of bed. That I started playing on his guitar and mom hates it. I told him I hate mom because she killed him and I could picture him telling me not to think that way. Then I cried… I cried for what seemed like the millionth time. When I finished I said goodbye and then I headed back home only to return the next day. This is how I spent every night for the next nine years and how I'm spending tonight.

I pull up in my normal parking spot and get out of the car. It's cold so I take my camouflage jacket with me. I walk up the hiking path until I reach the top of it, find my rock, and sit on it. Before I open my mouth to speak I hear a noise. I look around to try to find the source of it and that's when I see her. It's almost sundown and I doubt she is a hiker because they never come this late. She walks to the edge of the cliff we are on and just stands there. I start to wander if she is going to jump, if I'm about to witness her demise. Anyone else would have probably spoken to her and asked what she was doing but I was curious about her intentions. She would stop what she was about to do if I talked to her and since I'm not sure what that is I wait. I gaze at her features, but not like checking her out just trying to commit her to memory. She has blond hair and she is wearing jeans and a black hoodie. I can't tell much about her because her back is towards me now. I'm brought out of my thoughts by the sound of feet moving. I realize she has moved closer to the edge and I think its time I say something.

"It won't kill you" she continues to stare ahead of her. I make my way closer to her but she doesn't move. "It's not that high up; you'll probably end up in a hell of a lot of pain though". She still doesn't say anything and I'm almost standing next to her. "I'm Ashley", she finally looks at me when I say that. I extend my hand to her but she turns on her heels and leaves going back the same way she came in. A part of me wants to follow her but the other part doesn't care. I walk back to my rock and sit down cross legged. "Hey dad", I say looking towards the sky. "How's it going?" I can hear him say he's fine and ask how I am. "I'm okay dad, I can't complain. Well I can but what would that do." In my head I can hear his laughter and ask how everyone is. "Kyla is fine, she's just like mom. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing yet. Mom is the same, she asked me to eat breakfast with her today which was different. Aiden is still in love with Kyla, he tried out for football for her. It didn't go too well, he got pummeled. Then there is Jesse…" I pause as I think about my best friend and girlfriend. My dad always loved Jessica; he said she was the type of girl people write love songs about. He treated her like she was his daughter and she loved that. I think she cried almost as much as me when he passed. "Dad I love her so much that sometimes I think I might die from it. When I think about her its like I know I found my better half." My dad asks about how she is doing with her father. "He's still hurting her and it hurts that I can't do anything about it." I continue on talking to him and asking for advice. Some hours pass by and before I know it its eleven o clock. I get up and say goodbye to my dad. Before I leave I can hear him tell me that these visits aren't healthy. My words to him are the same ones I always tell him when he says that, "I know dad".


	5. Chapter 5

Tiniest Notion

I walk into my house quietly shutting the door and make my way up the steps to my room. When I reach it walk to my bed and fall back on it.

"Why doesn't he talk?" I look up to see Kyla in my doorway. I know who she is talking about but I still don't say anything. "Did he lose his voice or something?"

"Why do you care?" is my response to her. I truly want to know what has sparked this interest in Aiden.

"I don't" she says right before leaving my doorway. I ponder asking her if she likes Aiden but I decide against it. Instead I get up and change into a black wifebeater and grey pajama pants. I walk to my bed and turn on the television. After a little while I fall asleep on a random TV show. I wake up to the usual knocking on my window. My arm hits the nightstand on the side of my dresser and I mumble made up curse words. I walk to the window and help her in.

"You made me hit my arm"

"Hi to you too Ashes"

She puts her hands on my face and we share a brief kiss before I pull away.

"What's wrong?" she asks in a concerned tone.

"Your hands are freezing" I pull her hands off and warm them between mines.

"That happens when you wait outside for four hours"

"Why were you outside for four hours? I was home" I quirk my eyebrow at her.

She looks confused for a second as she stares at my ceiling "I don't know".

"You are a strange girl Jessica Dennison"

"Call me Jessica Davies" I smile at her request. "After all Kyla is kind of hot. I mean, have you seen her body?" My smile turns into a frown before I reach for a pillow on the bed and she runs to the other side of the room.

"Checking my sister out now are you?" I throw the pillow but it misses her and she doesn't hesitate to throw one back.

"I'm just saying little sis has it going on" she cracks up at her own joke and screams when I run at her. I'm positive my mom heard that but I don't care. She stops running and I tackle her to the bed. She smiles while under me and I brush some hair behind her ears.

"Admit it. You have Davies fever" she's about to speak when I interrupt her. "Ashley Davies not that other thing running around here in a cheerleaders outfit"

"Well you are kind of cute"

"Cute? That's all I get? Have you seen my pout? That alone is sexy" I watch her smile turn serious as we stare at each other. "If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?" The words leave my mouth before I can analyze them.

"Yes I would" I lean in and kiss her softly. Her lips are smooth and taste of the kiwi lip gloss she loves to wear. I get butterflies when she runs her hands up my shirt. She arches her back and I put my arm under her near her waist. There is a loss of warmth when she pulls away from me. "It still hurts Ashes" I run my hand softly over her bruise and she winces. "Can we just lie down for a second?" I nod my head and crawl up to the head of the bed, she follows behind me and we get under the covers.

"I met someone interesting today" I say quietly.

"Oh really tell me about them", she yawns while speaking. I put my arm around her and she snuggles into me.

"There's not much to tell, she didn't talk to me. She looked at me but didn't say anything". I look down and brush hair out of her face.

"Is she pretty?" Jessica says while staring at the television.

"I guess, it's hard to tell about another girl's looks when I only have one girl on my mind".

"Good answer", she pecks my lips. "Now stop talking so I can go to sleep."


	6. Chapter 6

Tiniest Notion

I didn't go to sleep that night, instead I waited. In the years that Jessica has been coming over I've never seen her leave. It has never crossed my mind to stay up until now. I watch as she wakes up and slowly climbs out of bed. When she turns around to kiss my forehead, I close my eyes. I feel her run her fingers down the side of my face and lean closer to me.

"Thank you Ashes" I am tempted to say you're welcome but she continues speaking. "Thank you for keeping my secret even though I know it kills you. Thank you for protecting me Ashes, I truly believe you are my guardian angel as corny as that sounds." There is a pause before her next sentence "I love you" After she finishes she gives me one last kiss before getting off the bed. I open my eyes barely to see her open my window and climb down.

It was four thirty when Jessica left so I went to sleep. Two and a half hours later I felt my bed sink in. I opened my eyes to see Kyla sitting on my bed. This is different from my usual wake up call so I just stare at her.

"They don't like him" she starts.

"Who Kyla?"

"Aiden, they love hitting him during practice. They think something is wrong with him and there is a rumor that his mom was in the house when he started the fire." She says the last part in a low whisper.

"You know that's not true" I say annoyed at the fact that people can be so dumb sometimes.

"I know but they don't. If he keeps going to try outs they are going to make it hell for him" She stands up and walks out of my room. I wanted to yell at her saying it's her fault for always going for the jerk jock. If she would give anybody a chance instead of going by this invisible popularity chart maybe Aiden wouldn't be trying to be something he's not. Instead of saying those things I get up and get ready for school.

/

About an hour later I am pulling up to the school and get out of my car. Instead of seeing Jessica and Aiden waiting for me I see a crowd of kids in a circle.

"Leave him alone", I hear someone yell and I immediately recognize the voice as Jessica's. I run to the crowd and push my way through. In the center of the circle I see a couple of jocks holding Aiden and another jock beating him up. Jessica pushes the main jock and grabs her arm. At this point I get involved and pull him away from her.

"I'd be careful about my next move jockstrap" he seems taken back by my words so he lets Jessica go.

"And what are you going to do?" he sneers.

"Kyle, leave them alone" I look towards the intruding voice to see Kyla. She sends a fierce look his way when he makes no movements. After a short period of time he nods to his lackeys and they let go of Aiden. Kyla starts to walk away and the boy runs after her.

"Baby, don't be mad" he yells after her. He catches up to Kyla and says something before leaning in and kissing her. I look to Aiden and watch him; I think out of all the hits he just took, that one hurt the most.

"Are you two okay?" I ask as the crowd that was around us disperses. Jessica doesn't answer me she just runs to Aiden and helps him off of the floor. "What happened?"

"Aiden and I were waiting on you when those stupid jocks came over. They said something about Aiden killing our mom or so. Aiden didn't do anything he just stared at him and then one of them told him they don't want him trying out anymore. When we tried to walk away they grabbed Aiden and you came in on the rest". Jessica spoke angrily which worried me because she isn't normally like that.

I signed to Aiden asking him if he was okay, he merely nodded and signed back that everything is fine. It didn't look that way though he had blood coming from his nose and lip. I put my hand on his shoulders and he gives me a weak smile.

"Lets get you cleaned up Aide" Jessica says while grabbing his hand and pulling him. I follow behind as she takes in him into the boy's restroom and I hesitantly follow in. There weren't any boys inside so I felt more at ease. Jessica walks Aiden to the sink and grabs some paper towels. He winces when she puts a wet towel to his lip. I lean against the entrance door and watch them. Jessica always seemed like the older sister even though they are only five minutes apart. She has always taken care of Aiden and I've always found it interesting. Even though she hates to hear it, Jessica is just like her mother. In fact she is a spiting image, her and Aiden. I remember Mrs. Dennison as your classic housewife. The kind that kisses your boo boos and puts a band aide of your favorite cartoon on it. She was the mother who packed your lunches and left you a note saying how much she loves you. I often found myself envying Aiden and Jessica when we were little. I'd secretly wish that I had a mother like that, even though my father was more than enough. Mrs. Dennison was the type of mother you saw in black and white TV shows, she was perfect. I think that's why it hurt so much when she left, because we discovered the exact opposite. I watch Jessica as she patches Aiden up with a look of concern on her face. She makes this face when he flinches again and I know she wants to say something. I know she wants to yell at him for being dumb enough to try out for the team knowing it would have repercussions. She doesn't though, she just finishes cleaning him up and I think he appreciates her keeping quiet. It's moments like these when you see how much they love each other and I see how much I love her.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks for the reviews.

Tiniest Notion

School ended quickly that day but I didn't stick around for Aiden's practice. Instead I walked Jessica to her art club and headed to my car, off to go talk to my dad. Normally I probably would have waited but I had to ask his advice on something. I made sure to wish Aiden good luck and Jessica said she would see me later. When I got to my spot I parked my car and walked up the hiking path. Instead of going to my usual rock I sit on the edge of the cliff the girl was near.

"I think I want to marry Jesse" I yell to the sky.

"Then maybe you should" I snap my head in the direction of the voice and see the girl from before. She is wearing jeans and a different hoodie this time.

"Excuse me?" I question.

"I said I think you should marry this Jesse girl" she says in a low tone. I'm in shock that she not only is speaking to me but she thinks I'm gay. I mean, I am but who is she to assume that.

"How do you know it's a girl?" I ask.

She shrugs her shoulders and sits next to me, making sure to keep a distance between us. "You look gay".

"How does somebody look gay?" I'm not sure to be offended or not.

"They wear a rainbow bracelet saying isupport" she says while pointing to the 

bracelet on my arm. Jessica bought it for me when we went to gay pride a couple of years back. "The rainbow tipped me off but now that I can read it I know for sure".

"That doesn't mean I'm gay, it could just mean I support".

"Most of the people who support are gay. I mean, you can support without being gay, but people who do don't normally wear a rainbow bracelet". She looks straight ahead when she talks.

"How do you know I'm not a proud supporter?"

She looks at me carefully and then gazes into my eyes. "You're gay, not a proud supporter, you don't just like the colors, and you're not wearing it because you have gay friends. You're just gay." After she finishes she stares at the view in front of us.

"What makes you such a gayologist?" I ask in a pissed off tone. Partly because she offended me and also she intruded on my conversation with my dad.

She shrugs her shoulders and goes back to being the quiet girl she was before. The quiet starts to get to me so I say something.

"I'm Ashley"

"Okay" is all she says. I wait for her to tell me her name but she doesn't.

"And your name is?"

She looks at me but this time it feels like she's looking into me. I feel like she is somehow invading my privacy so I look away. When I look back it seems like she is smirking at me. I stare straight ahead and she does too.

"Spencer"

"Is there a last name?" I ask being just a little curious.

"No"

"Do you live around here?"

"No"

I know she is lying so I don't ask anymore questions. I'm trying to figure her out right now. She looks like the type who would rather be left alone but if so why is she talking to me? I'm broken out of my thoughts by her moving to stand up.

"You're leaving?"

"Do you care?" she asks in a smart tone.

I think about my answer before I say it "No".

"Okay" I watch her walk away but not before yelling over her shoulder. "Enjoy talking to your dad" my mouth is agape as I wonder how she knows who I'm talking to.


	8. Chapter 8

Tiniest Notion

After my encounter with Spencer I had a short conversation with my father and headed to my house. Since I was home earlier then normal I got to see my mom watching TV in the kitchen.

"Hey mom" I say nonchalantly as I head upstairs.

"You're home early" I stop halfway up the stairs and look down, sighing to myself.

"I decided to make it short"

"Short enough to stop going all together?" I knew she would say that, my mother is predictable like that.

"I like talking to him"

"He's dead Ashley. Everyone has accepted it except you"

"Yeah I bet, you accepted even before he died"

"He wasn't going to make it!"

"Says who mom? You?" I managed to let my anger get the best of me and the words were slipping out of me uncontrollably.

"Don't you dare insinuate that I wanted him dead" she walks over to the stairs and climbs them. She stares at me menacingly and puts her finger in my 

face.

"You did everything but cut the breaks" I spit it out as if it were venom.

I felt a heavy hand come across my face. It only phased me for a second and I was back to glaring at her.

"I'm home" the sound of Kyla's voice breaks us out of our staring contest. My mom turns back and heads to greet Kyla.

"Hi honey how was school?" I watch as she hugs Kyla and holds her. They continue to hug and I hear my mom say I love you to Kyla.

"Love you too mom" she says back.

I walk upstairs to avoid watching anymore. When I reach it I grab my guitar and sit on the floor. At first I play around on it, just hitting random chords. Then they come together in a song my dad use to play for me when I was little and had trouble sleeping. I start to sing the song after a minute of playing.

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart. Then you can start to make it better. Hey Jude, don't be afraid. You were made to go out and get her. The minute you let her under your skin, then you can begin to make it better. And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. For well you know that it's a fool who…"

"Dad loved The Beatles" Kyla's voice stops me from playing and singing. I 

look up and she is leaning against the door entrance. I want to yell at her for interrupting but she looks like she needs to say something. "He always said that you can find the answer to…"

"Any of life's problems in a Beatles song, I remember. I think he stole that from somebody" we start to laugh, but stop when we realize we were sharing a moment.

"Aiden did better today; he had a whole two steps before they crushed him"

"Big accomplishment" I say before I go back to hitting random chords on my guitar. When Kyla doesn't talk I look down at the strings I'm strumming.

"I wish I had your talent, to have that connection with dad" I continue to play and ignore her. "I really wish I was closer to him, you know…"

"Excuse me are you attempting to have a conversation with me?" I put the guitar aside and look fiercely at her. She shakes her head and leaves the room looking disappointed. I go back to playing for a couple of hours and then I turn on the TV. There isn't much on so I find myself watching a movie marathon. Night time comes and I hear the familiar sound of tapping. I pull the window up and let Jessica in. When I do this I hear someone coming into my room.

"He was my dad too you know" Kyla struts in not even acknowledging Jessica. "You're not the only who lost a parent. I lost him too Ashley and the fact that you act as if you're the only one who misses him bugs the hell out of me".

"Come on in Kyla, its not as if I'm busy or anything" I move in front of Jessica and stand face to face with Kyla.

"I love him too" Kyla's tough attitude diminishes "Dad had two daughters even if he didn't act like it sometimes". Then just as quickly as she came she was gone.

"What was that about?" Jessica asks confused about the event that just occurred. I stand there looking confused myself and shake my head.

"I have no clue"


	9. Chapter 9

Tiniest Notion

I wake up the next morning on my own; there was no yelling to get up. It feels weird to wake up on my own for the first time. Kyla has always been the first face I see in the morning. I sit up in my bed and rub my eyes trying to wake myself up completely.

"You're awake" I look up and see Kyla looking directly at me. "Look, about yesterday… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get upset with you like that." I stare at her for a long time debating my next words. She must have taken it as rejection because she is leaving my room.

"I'm sorry too" the words fly out of my mouth and I know she heard them because she is back in my room. "I'm sorry I acted like a jerk" I grimace while saying the words because I hate the idea of me apologizing to her.

"Okay" is all she says in return, making me think, that she must know how hard it was for me to say that. She gives me a small smile before walking out of my room, dragging her hand across the walls as she walks. I walk towards my closet and pick out something simple. After my normal routine I head downstairs to try and find my keys, I retrace my steps and end up looking under the furniture. At some point during my search my mother comes downstairs. She sits and watches me look around and I start to get frustrated.

"Where the hell are my keys?"

"Oh you're looking for your keys?"

"Yes mother" I roll my eyes and keep looking through the living room.

"Maybe you should ask that Dennison girl, since she spends her nights here" I stop what I'm doing at this moment to glare at my mother. "I've ignored the late night visits for some time now but seriously I think you should find a more suitable girl if you're going to be gay. Preferably one who doesn't come from a screwed up family"

"The Dennisons use to be your best friend mother"

"Correction I was friends with Abigail. When she left so did any concern I had for her children"

"How can you support Mrs. Dennison leaving her kids?" my jaw is clenched and I'm fully prepared for a smack down.

"Those kids must have been awful to her to make her leave. I know Abby and she would never do anything rash without a reason." She gets up and walks towards the stairs, stopping to throw me my keys. "I'm right about this one" she says before disappearing from view. I'm in shock by how cold my mother actually is, but instead of tearing her a new one, I head on my way to school.

When I get to school I am happy to see that there are no fights and its just Jessica and Aiden waiting on me. I pull into my spot and get out of the car greeting Jessica with a hug and Aiden a nod.

"Is something wrong Ashes?" I knew she would be able to tell something was wrong. One thing I have never been able to do is deceive Jessica and to be honest I've never wanted to.

"Mom" is all I say and her head shakes knowingly.

"If it cheers you up, Aiden did amazing at try outs yesterday" Jessica says proudly and I look at Aiden and see a grin on his face.

"Congratulations Aide" I say with a smile on my own face and he signs a thank you back.

"Yeah congrats Aiden" we all look towards the voice and see Kyla.

"I swear that girl needs a bell around her neck at all times" I whisper to Jessica and she playfully hits my arm. "What? I want to be able to hear her coming, this whole appearing out of nowhere isn't working for me" Jessica puts her head on my chest and smiles.

"Morning Kyla" Jessica says politely.

"Morning Jessica" Kyla smiles at Jessica when she says this, then looks at Aiden. "We should celebrate, you know, go out sometime" Aiden just stares dumbly at her, which must be adorable to Kyla because she smiles at him. I feel Jessica pulling me away from them but I continue to watch them.

"Leave them alone Ashes" Jessica says to me so I look away.

"But did you see that Jesse, they were doing that thing" I put my arm around Jessica and we start walking to class.

"What thing?"

"You know the look people get when they like someone a lot but are too dumb to form words at that moment". We stop in front of our class and I remove my arm from around her. She fixes the loss of contact by holding my hand.

"Oh you mean the look you got when I first kissed you" she smirks at me and I don't argue because she's right. Jessica Dennison was my first kiss ever and I was hers.

(Flashback 9 years ago)

"I suck at this" I yell for no reason before putting my guitar aside. "I wanna be good like my dad" I say to an eight year old Jessica.

"You'll get better Ashes, it takes time. I don't think your dad just up and became a rockstar" she says this while looking through a magazine.

"You don't know that"

"Yes I do", she says.

"No you don't", I reply.

"Yes, I do"

"No you don't"

"Yes I do"

"No you don't"

"Yes I do"

"No you…" I'm cut off by Jessica's lips being pressed against mines. My eyes are wide open in shock but I don't move. I hold still hoping that there is some kissing guru who will tell me what to do next. Jessica pulls away after a minute and stares at me.

"You can stop puckering your lips now" I do what she tells me but I am still shocked. I look at her for a long time, not saying anything, just staring.

"You kissed me" I finally get out.

"Yes I did"

"Why?"

"Because I think I love you Ashes" she says timidly. I quirk my eyebrow at her words, not sure of what to say.

"You think?" I ask after about five minutes of silence.

"Yeah Ashes, I think I love you. I think about you all the time and I get mad whenever you talk to Michelle Campbell at school. It was me who threw the eraser at her." Jessica stares at the floor while she talks. "My mom says love makes you do crazy things like that. I'm planning on blaming it on love next time I throw something at Michelle when she talks to you again".

I smile at what she said and then there is a silence between us again. Jessica's hand is next to mines on the bed so I make the boldest move I have ever made, I grab it. She looks up at me and before she can speak I kiss her. I try to copy what I saw in the movie My Girl, which wasn't 

much. When I finally pull away from the kiss Jessica smiles at me and I can't help but to smile back.

"I think I love you too"

(Flashback Ends)

I know that at that age no relationship was serious but to us it was. There was no question of sexuality because we didn't know about being gay or straight. All I knew is that the only person I ever wanted to be with was Jessica and that still hasn't changed.


	10. Chapter 10

Tiniest Notion

I'm in my last class and I'm trying to pay attention to what the teacher is saying when a note lands on my desk. I look at it then at Jessica who smiles at me before returning her attention to the teacher. I look at the way the note is folded and how she made it so there is a tab with a smiley face on it that says "pull me". When I pull the tab the note unravels and a picture falls out. I read the note first and it says;

_I found it in my room and I thought you might want it._

I look at the picture and it is of my dad, Jessica and I. My dad is in the middle and he has his arms around a younger Jessica and me. We are all laughing in the picture and I remember the day the picture was taken. I smile to myself being thankful that Jessica is so sweet. The bell rings so I put the picture in my pocket and gather my stuff. Jessica and Aiden wait for me and we walk out of the class together. I grab Jessica's hand and give it a soft squeeze, thanking her silently. She mouths you're welcome to me and we walk with Aiden towards the field. Halfway to the field we see Kyla in her cheerleading uniform. She spots us and surprisingly walks in our direction.

"Hi sis, hi Jessica" she says with a smile.

"Hey" Jessica replies while I nod my head.

"Hi Aiden" she both says and signs which shocks all of us.

"When the hell did she learn sign language?" I whisper in Jessica's ear.

"How should I know? She's your sister" Jessica whispers back.

Aiden starts to sign wildly a look of happiness on his face. Kyla puts her hands up to stop him from speaking further.

"I only know how to say hello and that took up all of study hall" she chuckles at herself after she speaks. There is a long pause in conversation before Kyla speaks again. "Aiden… do you want to maybe… walk with me to the field?" She points behind for emphasis and Aiden nods in agreement, signing bye to me and Jessica.

"We're loosing him to the dark side" I say to Jessica before we walk towards her art class. Jessica moves my hand so it's around her shoulder and I kiss her forehead.

"My dad is going away on Friday" Jessica says cheerfully.

"Forever?" I can't help but ask.

"No" she retorts, giggling "He's going on a business trip and he won't be back until Tuesday".

"That's a long time away" I state.

"Yes it is which means a lot of me and you time" We reach Jessica's art class and she leans against the wall. "Say you'll stay for the weekend". She grabs the belt loops of my pants and pulls me close to her. I lean my forehead against hers and pretend like I need to think on it.

"What do I get if I come?" I lay my hands on her hips and use my thumbs to rub her sides.

"Silly Ashes" is all she says before she cups my face and pulls my lips to hers. We continue to kiss reveling in the feeling of each other's lips until we hear someone clear their throat. When we break apart we see a girl in glasses watching us.

"Hey Amy" Jessica wipes her lips as she speaks to the girl. "Have you met my girlfriend Ashley?"

"Hello" I give a small wave and smile to the seemingly shy girl. She doesn't say anything back but she does smile at me. This girl seems oddly familiar, like I've seen her somewhere before even though I'm sure I haven't. She has dirty blonde hair and blue eyes that I swear I've seen before. Amy must have realized that I was staring at her because she avoided my gaze.

"I'll just wait for you inside Jessica" she says before she starts to walk away.

"No wait I'm coming" Jessica spoke after her. "See you later, I love you Ashes." Jessica pecks my lips before walking into her class with Amy. I stay in the same spot wondering should I be jealous of Jessica's new friend. She isn't extremely attractive but Jessica doesn't find someone attractive based off of looks. In the middle of my thoughts I feel my cell phone vibrate when I pull it out I see it's a text from Jessica.

**Don't be jealous I only have eyes for you ;)**

I smile at the text loving that she knows me so well. After I save the message I check the time and realize I should get going. I head to my car, get in, and drive off to talk to my dad and maybe a strange girl. When I get to the park I walk slowly up the hiking path hoping to sneak up on Spencer. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I almost jump out of my skin. My heart starts beating out of my chest and when I turn around I see a smirking Spencer.

"See what happens when you try to sneak up on people" she says confidently.

"I was not trying to sneak up on you" Yes I'm lying but I don't care. I watch as her smirk fades off of her face.

"I never took you for a liar" she says before she walks up the rest of the way and goes to sit on the cliff edge. I follow after her and take a seat near her. "What was your dad like?" When she 

asks me this I am taken back so I don't speak. "He must have been amazing for you to come here every night".

"He was… ever heard of Raife Davies?" I ask while staring at her.

"Maybe" she says while staring back at me.

"That was my dad, the great Raife Davies"

"How was he as a dad?" I look down before I answer her question.

"He was… the best dad anyone could ever ask for. There was never any doubt that I was a daddy's girl. All I've ever wanted was to be like him" I glance back at Spencer "To be as great as he was".

"Is it true that you were the reason one of his tours was cancelled?" she breaks our eye contact and looks ahead.

"I thought you said you never heard of him" I raise my eyebrow at her even though she can't see me.

"I said maybe" she looks back at me.

Yeah its true, you see, I had the chicken pox and my dad had a huge freak out. He hated when I was sick or hurt, I think if he could have he would have put me in a bubble for the rest of my life" Spencer laugh and I'm shocked by the sound. "You laugh?"

"I chuckle" she says with a smirk.

"I like your chuckle" she doesn't respond she just looks away from me for a second before looking back. If I didn't know any better I would have said she almost blushed. "Well anyway… my dad was always there for me unlike most rock stars. He never put his work first he always said that fame can come and go so fast".

"Sounds like a smart man, did he like Jesse?"

"Should I be scared that you know so much about my life?" I smile at her.

"Maybe" she says while shrugging her shoulders.

"He loved Jessica"

"So Jessica is her full name I'm guessing"

"Yeah, Jessica Dennison, she's my world" I whisper for no good reason.

"That didn't sound corny at all" Spencer declares in a sarcastic manner.

"Are you always this friendly?"

"Sometimes" she speaks in a nonchalant way "So your dad loved this Jessica girl?"

"Yeah he referred to her as his third daughter, since I have a sister too. He made sure that Jessica and I were never apart. I have him to thank for my relationship with her."

"How long have you been together?"

"Will I get to find anything out about you if I answer?"

"Maybe"

"Maybe?"

"Maybe" she repeats as if she was warning me not to push it.

"Our whole lives but she first kissed me when we were eight."

"So I'm guessing its love"

"It feels like more than that sometimes, there is no way to describe everything I feel for her in one word."

"So its true love? Now I have to know more about her" she replies.

"She's the type of girl you write love songs about. The one who no matter what is going on in her life will always be there for you. The type of girl you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with."

"Is that what you're planning on doing?" she asks in a lowered voice.

"Yeah it is" I respond while smiling at the thought. "So can I please know something about you?"

"I don't believe that your first love is always the person you're meant to be with" she says this with a serious face and looks intently into my eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, sorry about the delay

Tiniest Notion

"What makes you say that?" I don't back down from her stare but she does break eye contact.

"Life experience"

"How old are you? Since you have so much life experience" I'm dying to know anything at this point.

"Old enough" she stares at the sky watching the sunset. "Older then you"

"How do you know how old I am?" I know I should be freaked out that she knows so much but I'm too entranced by how much her skin glows in the twilight. It's weird how long it took me to realize how beautiful she is.

"I don't" she's facing me once again and its starting to seem like a staring contest she keeps losing. "How old are you Ashley Davies?"

I don't know if it was the way she said my name or how she managed to seem so sweet asking me, but I felt the need to tell her anything she wanted to know. "I'm 17"

"Good age" she nods her head while she speaks.

"Now will you tell me how old you are?"

"Old enough"

"What do I have to do to get more information out of you?" I'm nearly frustrated because this girl knows everything about me, but I know nothing about her.

"Spend the rest of the night here talking to me and I'll tell you a little more"

I am about to say I will, but then Jessica pops into my mind and I realize how worried she would be if I didn't come home. She has never gone a night without me and vice versa. I hardly even know Spencer anyway, Is she really worth the risk of worrying Jessica?

"I can see you're in a dilemma so I'll make it easier on you" Spencer breaks me out of my thoughts "Come with me to go get some coffee instead. You take your car and I'll take mine, that way if I frustrate you, you are free to leave".

She is considerate, I'll tell you that much. I can't help but to think that something could go wrong.

"One cup of coffee and I promise I won't kidnap you or do anything that would put you on a milk carton" she says with a smirk.

"Okay" is my reply. Why does it feel like I just made a deal with the devil?

/

I follow her car to a nearby coffee place that I never noticed before. She pulls into the alley next to it and I copy her action. When I pull the keys out of the ignition, I turn to see she is already outside my door. She pulls it open for me and I say thank you. I don't get your welcome in return, she only nods her head and leads the way into the coffee place. When we get inside Spencer walks us over to a booth and we take a seat. A blond boy comes by to take our order and I'm starting to think I'm nuts because he looks like Spencer too, just like Amy.

"What can I get for you?" he asks in a mellow manner.

Without looking at him Spencer answers "Two cups of coffee"

I'm staring between the two of them wanting to ask if there is any relation. Spencer catches my attention when she lightly touches my hand, but then she snatches it back as if my skin burned her. She recovers smoothly and leans forward like she's about to tell me a secret.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" curiosity finally gets the best of me and I have to know.

"No"

"You sure do have a lot of people who look like you" I don't want to call her a liar, but they look exactly like her and I mean exact, just like Aiden and Jessica. Jessica… my mind drifts back to her and I wonder how she would feel if she knew I was having coffee with a complete stranger. The waiter boy comes back and sets down two cups of coffee. Before he walks away I lightly grab his arm.

"What is your name?"

He looks at Spencer and waits a few minutes before answering. "Glen" is all he says before he walks away. I look at Spencer and she is staring after Glen. She looks back to me and her gaze feels so intrusive. I lose this staring challenge and look down at the coffee cup only to realize just how large it is. I look back up to see Spencer's smirk.

"One cup of coffee, remember?"

"You failed to mention that it would be a gallon in one cup" she chuckles at my joke even though it wasn't funny.

"More time to talk" is all she says before taking a sip of her drink.


	12. Chapter 12

Tiniest Notion

"So tell me about yourself Spencer…." I leave the sentence open for Spencer to finish.

"It's just Spencer" she takes a sip of her coffee but continues to hold my gaze.

"That's a lie" I say before I take a sip myself.

She puts down her cup and smiles. "You sound like a lie detector".

"Maybe I am. Which means you shouldn't lie to me"

"Fair enough"

"Are you gay?" I expected her to be surprised by my question but she wasn't. She simply tasted more of her coffee and then put it down.

"I appreciate the female anatomy". She gives a soft chuckle at the end and I can't help but give one myself.

"So that's a yes"

"Yes it is" she says calmly.

"Are you out?"

"Yes, I've been out all day"

I shake my head at her. "You know what I mean"

"Yes I'm out" she says.

"That's surprising; you seem like a very secretive person."

"I am, but you're only as healthy as the number of secrets you keep. So I try not to keep too many." She breaks eye contact and goes back to sipping her coffee.

"Besides your age, last name, family, and other personal stuff" I state.

She stops sipping and looks at me. "Yeah besides that stuff"

A silence comes over us, but it's not one of those awkward ones. It's one of those silences where you feel comfortable enough not to have to talk. Even though I don't know Spencer very well I feel like I can be myself around her. We sit in silence until she finally speaks. "So Ashley Davies it looks like you are almost done".

I look down at my cup and see that she is right. "It looks that way, doesn't it?"

"So I guess you should ask your last question?"

"Promise to answer it?"

She looks as if she is thinking about it before nodding her head in agreement.

"Can we do this again tomorrow?"

She smiles at me and I think I have my answer.

Spencer pays the bill despite my complaint against it and we walk back to my car. We stand there for a minute before she takes my keys out of my hand.

"May I?" she asks in a low voice. She doesn't wait for my answer before unlocking my door and opening it for me.

"Do you always open doors for strangers?" I ask with a coy smile.

"What can I say? I was raised old school." She hands me back the keys and I get into my car. When I close the door I make sure to roll down the window and she leans into it. "Drive safely Miss Davies" Those were the last words she said to me before walking away to her car. I start my engine and then look down at my phone which I left in the seat. The screen reads that I have four missed calls all from Jessica. I instantly feel bad that I sat with Spencer for hours while Jessica was worried sick. Guilt washes over me and I speed off in my car to my house. When I get there I run upstairs to see Jessica lying in my bed. I figure she is sleep so I just get changed and climb into bed.

"Where were you?" I hear her whisper.

"I was out drinking coffee" I didn't lie to her technically; I just left Spencer out of it.

"I was worried"

"I know, I'm sorry, who let you in?" I'm curious to know because I've always been here to help her in.

"The window was open. Why didn't you answer my calls?"

"I didn't have my phone"

"You could have called"

"I'm really sorry" She doesn't respond she just moves further away from me on the bed. "Jesse" I whisper.

"Promise me you won't have me worried like this ever again" Her voice sounds of a mix between demanding and scared. This is the first time I have ever had her worried and I know she doesn't like the feeling.

"I promise Jesse" as soon as the words leave my mouth she moves over towards me and I hold her until I fall asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Tiniest Notion

It's another day in school and I'm at lunch with Jessica. After I made that promise last night we went back to ourselves. She hasn't brought it up and I credit that to the fact that she doesn't hold grudges.

"I love your hair Ashes" she says. We are lying on the grass under a tree. My head is in her lap and she is running her fingers through my hair. My eyes are closed, loving the feeling of her delicate fingers.

"I thought you loved me. So it's been the hair all along?" I open my eyes and raise my left eyebrow at her. She gives a soft giggle and uses her thumbs to rub my cheeks.

"I love everything about you Ashley Davies"

"You just want me for my body"

"That too" I smile at her and she smiles back. "So where do you think Aiden is?" I look around before answering her.

"With Kyla"

"How do you know this?" she asks with a confused look. I don't speak I just point my finger to a very close Aiden and Kyla.

"I wonder what they are doing since Aiden doesn't talk"

"He's probably just listening, girls like a good listener"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I joke. Jessica playfully slaps my arm and we laugh for a couple of minutes, before the kissing ensues.

The bell rings and we break apart slowly, but surely. Aiden walks over to us as I'm helping Jessica up. He doesn't do anything; he just stands there with a goofy smile on his face. Jessica dusts herself off and begins signing to Aiden.

"You talk now?" she both says and signs.

Aiden shakes his head in response.

"Then what?" this time only speaking. She's not speaking in an angry tone, she is just curious. I lean against the tree that I was under and watch them. Aiden signs back saying that she talks most of the time and has learned some sign language. He is helping her as much as he can without talking.

"Finally getting the girl Romeo?" I ask. He doesn't answer me, he only grins. "I'm happy for you Aide, I really am, but Kyla has a boyfriend. You know this, partly because he was the guy who beat the crap out of you. He's also heading over here as we speak." Now I'm no genius, but I know that when an angry football player is heading your way…there is going to be fight.

"Hey Dennison" Kyle yells. Kyla stands in his way and they start to have an argument. I watch as Aiden visibly tenses and I hope he isn't thinking of doing anything stupid. We all watch as Kyla and Kyle fight and then Kyle grabs Kyla's arm. Now I know I'm not the best sister, but I'll be damned if I let some jockstrap hurt Kyla. I get off the tree I was leaning on and race to go break it up. Before I am even halfway there I see Aiden stand in front of Kyla. I have never seen Aiden fight, but if you saw the punch he just threw to Kyle's jaw you would have thought he was a professional boxer. He doesn't follow up with another punch like anybody else would have, like I would have. It wasn't really needed anyway because Kyle was down for the count. When I reach them I watch as Aiden checks out Kyla's arm. Jessica rushes up behind me and her jaw drops.

"He hit him" she says.

"Yeah he did" I reply.

"Aiden doesn't hit"

"Apparently he does"

"Hey you kids" we all look to see a couple of security guards heading towards us. They yell for us to come towards them and why we aren't in class. So what do we do? We do want any group of teenagers would do.

"Run" I yell.

We all start running, but in the same direction.

"Separate they can't catch us that way" Kyla shouts.

With that said Aiden grabs Kyla's hand and they go one way, I do the same with Jessica and go another. The security guards were forced to separate and Jessica and I go some scrawny looking on who thought he was Robo Cop. I drag Jessica through a zigzag of the school to confuse the security guard and then choose a random door to go in. After I pull Jessica in I lock the door and lean against it, breathing hard.

"I need to get in shape" I whisper out of breath.

"I like your shape" Jessica murmurs.

We both look around and realize…

"We're in a janitor's closet Ashes"

Sure enough that's where we are. I see an assortment of cleaning supplies everywhere.

"Let's just wait here until we're sure we're in the clear" I whisper. Jessica nods her head in agreement and we sit down together in front of the door.

"So tomorrow my dad leaves and I have our whole weekend planned. After school you'll go do your thing and I'll do mines and I'll meet you back at my house. Where you will find me in the kitchen cooking for you"

"Oh goody" I reply joyfully.

"That's not even the best part Ashes"

"I'm all ears"

"After dinner I have a surprise for you involving a bed and a dream" Jessica says in a happy tone while leaning her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her and lean my head on top of hers. "The day after that we'll go to the park and you can push me on the swing"

"I can push you huh?"

"Yes because you're my girlfriend and that's your job" she looks up at me and grins. I lower my head until our lips touch and kiss her softly. She uses her left hand to caress my face and pull me more into the kiss.

We left the closet when the next bell rang and it was time for our last class. While we were walking to class we ran into Kyla and Aiden. Kyla was talking, using wild animations, and Aiden was grinning the whole time. They look good together, as strange as that is. I don't know what it is about them together, but they just seem to fit each other. It's like they glow when they are together.

"Move it Thelma and Louise" yells a random cheerleader. I pull Jessica to one side, not looking to start something with the wolves. They walk right up to Kyla and Aiden. "We heard Kyle is hurt and here you are with this arsonist"

"He's not an arsonist, his name is Aiden" Kyla defends. "Plus Kyle is no concern of min because me and him are through" That's all Kyla says before walking away with Aiden who waves at us as he passes.

"He's happy" Jessica says sadly.

"What's wrong with that? It's about time he gets his chance"

"Since when are you pro Kyla?"

"I'm pro Aiden's happiness, big difference" I state.

"I am too it's just that…"

"Excuse me, Jessica?" Jessica is cut off and we turn around to find the owner of the voice, Amy.

"Hi Amy" Jessica replies politely. Amy doesn't say anything at first she just stares… at me. I'm positive she is and it looks like she is trying to read me. She looks me up and down then looks into my eyes. "Amy? Did you want something?" Jessica questions. I'm still confused as to why this girl is observing me like I'm her science project. Amy finally breaks out of her trance and answers Jessica.

"You have my drawing notebook"

"Oh yeah it's in my locker. Let me run and get it, it will only take a minute or two, I swear that it's close" Jessica points down the hall for emphasis.

"I'll go with you" Amy declares.

"Okay, Ashes I'll see you later" Jessica kisses me on my cheek and starts to walk to her locker. Amy stands there for a minute before saying something low enough for my ears only.

"You're only as healthy as the number of secrets you keep"

She walks away to catch up with Jessica and I stand in that same spot until the late bell rings.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry about the long wait, but thanks to everyone who left a review, they rock my world.

Tiniest Notion

I'm in my last class and the teacher is talking, but I can't seem to focus. My mind is racing with thoughts of Spencer and Amy, trying to figure out their connection. I wonder if Jessica knows anything about Amy since they are friends. The bell rings and everyone in class, but me, gets up and leaves. Jessica and Aiden come back in the class when they realize I'm still there.

"Something on your mind Ashes?" Jessica asks

"What do you know about Amy?" she seems confused as to why I would ask but she answers my question.

"Um… Her last name is Carlin"

"Is that all you know?"

"She doesn't talk much so I don't really know… Wait she does have a picture of her family on the inside of her sketch book" Jessica mentions. "I saw it once, but she covered it up before I got a good look. She's a very secretive person"

"Sounds like someone else I know" I mumble.

"Come on Ashes we have to walk Aide to practice" Jessica declares. She holds her hand out and I get my stuff together before grabbing her hand. Aiden walks next to us and he still has the same goofy grin from earlier. I nudge him while we walk to try to break him out of it. He shakes his head and looks at me. I'm about to ask him something when none other then Kyla comes towards us.

"Hi Aiden" she gives a small wave when she speaks. She stops in front of Aiden and they do the staring thing they always do. I'm starting to suspect that they are having a conversation with their eyes. "Hi Ashley and Jessica" she says without looking our way.

"So you do see us" I say sarcastically.

She smiles and shakes her head at me. It's awkward for a long time, but only for me and Jessica because we were standing there like idiots.

"I guess Jessica and I will be going then" Jessica doesn't budge when I try to pull her away. "Jesse". She continues to watch them and I'm trying to figure out what she's thinking. "Jesse" I say a little softer. She turns her head and gives me a half smile.

"Walk me to Art Club Ashes?"

"Don't I always?" I ask in a joking manner. "Bye Aiden and Kyla". They don't look away from each other when I speak. I take Jessica's hand and kiss it while we walk to her class. She looks like her mind is somewhere else, her face contorted in thought. I try to bring her back by spinning her around unexpectedly. She is shocked by my sudden outburst, but kind of goes along with it.

"What are you doing Ashes?" I dip her in my arms before answering her.

"Dancing, what does it look like?" I pull her back up and do different tango moves I've seen in movies.

"Hallway dancing" she says while I spin her out then into my arms.

"Is there any other kind?" I spin her out and then start to dance and walk her to class. She starts to laugh whole heartedly and I laugh too. Other kids in the hallway look at us as though we've lost our minds. We don't mind, we welcome an audience. I spin her around and around until we land in front of her class. "Thank you for the dance Ms. Dennison" I say while bowing. She giggles and curtseys.

"Why you are more than welcome Ms. Davies"

I lean against the wall next to her class and we just look at each other. "See you later Jesse". She walks into the classroom and I start to walk away. I don't get two steps away before she yells my name. When I turn around I'm met with a tackle and we both fall to the ground. I look up at her confused and she kisses my nose.

"Thank you Ashes" she says before getting up and running back into class. I sit up on my elbows and stare after her.

I'm back at the park and I fiddle with my keys while I walk up the hiking path. When I get to the top I see Spencer playing a guitar and I hang back to watch. I realize she is also singing so I walk over to the ledge where she is and take a seat next to her. She doesn't stop like anybody else would have, she just keeps playing.

"I've been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines, been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds. I wonder what might happen if I left this all behind. Would the wind be at my back? Could I get you off my mind, this time" she sings beautifully, something you wouldn't expect. I've heard her voice before, but this is completely different. She stops singing but keeps playing the same beat.

"You have a nice voice" I note. She smiles at me and looks down at her guitar while she continues to play. I remember that song from a movie I saw and even though the guy was amazing at singing it, he had nothing on Spencer. She stops playing and sets the guitar aside.

"Did you enjoy your free performance?" she asks.

"Yes, I did. Where did you learn to play?"

"Self taught right here"

"Impressive"

"I tend to be" she replies. We sit there for a couple of minutes in silence. "Do you play?" She says out of nowhere.

"Yes I do, my dad taught me"

"Well then" she hands the guitar to me and waits patiently.

"You want me to play?"

"No, I want you to hold it for me" she states sarcastically. "Come on, I'm sure you sound amazing."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Do you play from your heart?" she questions.

"Every note" I respond.

"Then you sound amazing"

"How about tomorrow you bring your guitar, I'll bring mine, and we'll play together?" She knows I'm stalling, but she allows it by nodding her head in agreement. We sit there for a few minutes until she speaks.

"Are you ready to get some coffee?"

"Yeah I've been training all morning for it. Those cups are abnormally large it's freakish" I joke. Spencer stands up and dusts her self off.

"It takes a champ to drink it everyday" She extends her hands down to me and I take them. I take notice that her hands are very smooth and warm. When she pulls me up we end up with our faces an inch from each other. She smirks at our closeness and I instantly feel uncomfortable. I turn my head to the side and she gives a low laugh. "I'm not going to kiss you"

"I didn't say you were going to" I whisper while looking down. There is a long silence between us and I can tell she is staring at me, I feel her eyes.

"I'm nineteen" she says "I'm turning twenty"

"Why are telling me this?"

"To make it less awkward, plus you wanted to know" she states nonchalantly.

"Thank you" I reply.

"Your welcome, now let's get some heart attack causing coffee" she nods in the direction of the car and we walk off.

We reach the coffee place and go to the same booth we were in the day before. The same boy as yesterday comes to our table.

"Hey, Glen isn't it?" I ask. He looks caught off by my voice, but he still answers me.

"Yes its Glen. Can I take your order?" he seems like he is in a rush, but there is only me and Spencer.

"Why is this place so empty?" I inquire.

"Because we're closed" he mumbles. I barely heard him and I'm sure Spencer did because she clears her throat very loudly. "I mean, because no one really knows about this place" he corrects himself.

"We'll have two cups of coffee" Spencer states. Glen doesn't move he just stares at her.

"Is that all?" he asks. Spencer just nods her head and Glen starts to walk away.

"Glen?" I call out. He stops to look at me, waiting for me to say what I was going to say. "What's your last name?"

"Carlin" he says before walking away.


	15. Chapter 15

Tiniest Notion

"Don't go there" Spencer states calmly.

"Is he your brother?" She shakes her head at my question in a way that let know that she wished I didn't go there, but I have to. "Is Amy your sister?" She freezes at that question and for once her calm exterior faltered. "You all look so much alike"

"I told you I don't have any siblings" Glen comes over to our table at this point and sets down two cups of coffee. He leaves just as quickly as he came and I go back to interrogating.

"What's your last name?" I ask while leaning over the table. She regains her composure and chuckles.

"Drink your coffee Ashley Davies"

"Give me answers Spencer Carlin" I shoot back.

"Not my last name"

"I will get up from this table right now if you don't tell me your last name" I threaten, hoping she wants me to stay bad enough. She scoots back in her seat and challenges me with her eyes.

"Then by all means, get up and go" she starts "You won't get any answers from me just because you throw a hissy fit when something doesn't go your way. I will not play childish games with you because I am not a child. I don't have to tell you anything… I'm not your girlfriend. Who, by the way, you haven't told about our coffee meetings" I visibly deflate at the thought of that last sentence. "Now I would love if you continue to accompany me, but if you don't that's fine too." She reaches for her cup and takes a long sip from it. I slide out of the booth and stand up. Spencer's demeanor didn't change as I started walking to the door. When I step outside the building, I see Glen leaning against the wall smoking.

"That's bad for your health you know" I affirm.

"I could say the same about you hanging out with Spencer" he retorts. I stare at him and take him all in. He looks like he goes to the gym, like one of the jocks at my school. There is stubble on his face and he looks like he hasn't shaved in days, but it kind of works for him. He looks around Spencer's age, but I can't determine who is older. I observe his clothes and I see he isn't wearing his apron. Instead he is wearing a red shirt with the words Slacker across it and light blue jeans. He notices me looking at him intently and throws his cigarette on the floor before stepping on it. I watch as he starts to walk inside his job, when his hand reaches for the doorknob he stops. "How old are you?" he says without turning around to face me.

"I'm seventeen" my voice is shaky when I speak, but I don't know why.

"Seventeen" he repeats, this time he turns around and walks back towards me. I freeze as he towers over me and gazes into my eyes. He moves his hand to touch the side of my face and I flinch. He gives a soft chuckle much like Spencer's. "I'm not going to hurt you", he whispers. His voice is gentle when he speaks and I believe his words. He takes his hand and runs it through my hair. "You are beautiful". It doesn't sound like he is coming on to me its more like he's stating a fact. "Listen here kid, don't take this personally, but once you leave here don't come back. You are way too young to be talking to Spencer. She doesn't remember how fragile you are at that age"

"I can take care of myself"

He smiles at me and I can tell he is a sweet guy. "I never said you couldn't, you appear to be a smart girl. So use your brain kid and stay away" He takes a step away from me and gives a small wave. Glen then proceeds to walk back into the coffee place. As soon as he walks in, I see Spencer waiting on him. I wait to see what happens and watch as they appear to argue. Glen makes wild gestures with his hands and points outside the door. Spencer pokes him in his chest and he slaps her hand away. My cell phone rings and I reach into my pocket for it. I flip it open and answer it, already knowing who it is.

"Hey Jesse"

"Can you come get me please Ashes?" her voice is low when she speaks. I sense her need for me and I rush to my car. In a matter of fifteen minutes I'm at her house and thoughts of Spencer are long forgotten. I turn off my engine and get out of the car. My footsteps are swift as I run around to the back of the house. When I reach the back door I hear yelling going on. I look through the kitchen window and I see Mr. Dennison and Jessica. He is holding her by her shoulders and shaking her. I feel anger rise in me and I am about to break down the door when I hear something snap behind me. My body turns slowly to see Aiden standing there. He is wearing boxers and a black T shirt. His hair is flat, not having their usual spikes in them.

"Isn't it kind of early for pajamas" I speak and sign to him.

He signs back that he was tired and about to go to sleep when he heard the fighting. Aiden hates arguing, it makes him uncomfortable so I can understand that he came out here to escape it. He's been doing this since we were little. I look back at the window and I'm about to go in when I feel Aiden's hand. He signs for me to stay outside before he walks into the house through the door. I watch from the window as Mr. Dennison's attention is torn away from Jessica and is on Aiden.

"What the hell were you doing outside?" he yells. Aiden doesn't respond he only looks down at the floor. "I know you hear me dummy. I'm talking to you so I answer me" Aiden continues to hold his silence and this makes Mr. Dennison even more upset. "Get upstairs and wait for me to come up". Aiden nods his head and walks out of the kitchen. He stops when he gets near Jessica and they share a look. I know he is letting her know I'm here because he nods his head to the side. "I don't have all day" Mr. Dennison shouts. Aiden walks out of my sight and Mr. Dennison follows him after saying something to Jessica. Jessica runs out of the house and straight into my arms.

"Hey Ashes" she says with a smile while tears are falling down her cheeks.

"Hi Jesse" I respond. She buries her head into my shoulders and I put my hand on the back of her head.

"Let's go to the park Ashes"

The park is empty when we get there and you can hear the squeaking of the swings going back and forth in the breeze. Jessica runs ahead of me and sits on the swing. She takes off her shoes and sets them on the side. I trail behind her and take off my shoes too.

"Remember when we were kids and we came here everyday" Jessica says. "Your dad would chase us all through here". I go behind her and start pushing her lightly. She swings her legs back and forth to go higher. "I miss him Ashes"

"I miss him too" I respond.

"I miss my mom too" she replies while gaining more momentum.

"I miss her too"

When she gets high enough, Jesse jumps off of the swing. She flies for a short amount of time before landing on her feet. I laugh and then applaud her. She takes a bow before falling on the ground in the sand, laughing her tail off. I walk over to her and lay down next to her. Jessica laces her fingers with mines and I kiss her hand.

"Do you want to play tag?" she asks.


	16. Chapter 16

Tiniest Notion

It's been hours and we are still at the park sitting on a bench. Jessica is lying on my lap and drifting in and out of sleep. She got tired after we ran around the park playing kiss tag. I've asked her countless times already if she wanted to back to my house, but she continues to decline my offer. I made a compromise agreeing we could stay if she wore the blanket I keep in the trunk.

"Ashes" Jessica mumbles out drowsily.

"Yeah Jesse" I whisper.

"Would you ever lie to me?" she questions. We are making eye contact and I can see there is something on her mind.

"Never" I respond.

"Would you ever hurt me?"

"Never" I repeat.

"That's a lie Ashes" I'm confused by her words, but I stay silent. "No matter what you will always hurt the person you love". I watch as her eyes glaze over with unshed tears. "I've been thinking about this a lot. The idea of hurting the one you love and why it happens. I figure the more you love someone the more painful it will be when they hurt you. Its probably because when you love someone you hold such high standards for the other person and you believe they will keep you safe. You convince yourself that, that person will be… everything you've ever needed. So when that person makes a mistake, if they drop the ball its disappointing… its heartbreaking. Its an indescribable pain which words cannot fully describe."

"What? Where is this coming from?" I ask.

She rubs her eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. "I was thinking about my dad and how much he hurts me"

"You don't have to keep letting him hit you, we can…" My sentence is interrupted by Jessica.

"It's not the physical stuff, it's emotional. I think about how much he's hurting me and then I think about you"

"Is that a good thing?" I ask. She turns her head to the side and ignores my question.

"I love you more than him and I feel like dying when he hurts me. So I keep asking myself how I will survive if you hurt me. I keep trying to prepare myself for the hurt." This time she lets her tears fall, but I'm quick to wipe them.

"Jesse I would never hurt you, I swear." I'm trying to keep my composure, but its difficult when you see someone like Jessica cry. "I don't know much Jesse, but I know I'd hurt myself before I'd even come close to hurting you."

"I know you mean well Ashes, but…"

"No, no buts. I've been in love with you since I can remember. We've been dating since we were eight. I have never hurt you in that time except for the pudding incident of 99' and I said sorry a million times." Jessica shows a faint smile at the memory of our first couple fight. I run my fingers through her hair and she relaxes in the touch. "Jesse, you're safe with me and you know it. That's why you sleep in my bed every night." I take my hands and sign the words I love you to her.

"Why don't you say it Ashley?" She uses my full first name so I know she is serious. I keep quiet, truly not knowing the reason because in my heart of hearts I know I love her more than anything.

"I don't know" is all I can come up with. She nods her head not getting angry with the answer like most girls would have.

"I worry that you don't say it because you don't love me." She turns on her side while on my lap and strokes my knee.

"You know I do"

"I know" she responds. "Can we go back to your house now?" I nod my head and she gets up. She takes one hand and pulls the blanket tighter, she holds her other hand out to me. I lightly grab her hand and stand up. We are standing face to face and Jessica looks me dead into my eyes. "I'll never stop telling you I love you… even if you never say it back." She places a soft kiss and pulls back slowly allowing me to revel in her lips. She opens up her blanket, inviting me into her warmth. I get into the blanket with her and we walk back to my car.

We arrive at my house in a short amount of time and for the first time in awhile Jessica use my front door. I open the door for her to go in first and I follow behind her. The last thing I was expecting was to see my mom downstairs drinking out of a coffee cup. She looks up to see who came in through the door and makes a confused face.

"Ashley." She says it in a questioning tone. The kind of tone that asked what the hell was Jessica doing in her house.

"Mother, Jessica is spending the night." I speak quickly and start pulling Jessica towards the stairs.

"Does her father know about this?" I clench my jaw in frustration, wondering why she just doesn't let me go on about my business.

"Yes he knows Mrs. Davies" Jessica states respectively.

"Excuse me dear, but I was speaking to my daughter. This is a mother daughter matter. Maybe if you didn't drive your own mother away you would know about…"

"Mother!" I yell, interrupting her in the process.

"It's fine Ashes" Jessica coos. "If you don't want me to stay in your house I understand. I'll leave if I am causing you any inconvenience." Jessica continues to be respectful to my mother and I don't see how she does it. I look to my mother to see her face change, caught off guard by Jessica's reply.

"Um… no… its fine." My mother is still in shock.

"Thank you for your kindness Mrs. Davies" Jessica speaks softly before taking my hand and leading me upstairs. As soon as we get into my room I close the door behind us.

"How can you be so nice to her Jesse?" When I turn around I'm surprised to see Jessica standing right in front of me. She cups the side of my face with her hands and pulls me to her. Our lips collide and I envelop her into my arms. She breaks our contact to form words.

"I don't want to talk about that." I nod my head up and down before kissing her again. She walks backwards to the bed and we fall back on it. She pulls away to catch her breath and I start to tenderly kiss her neck. A small moan leaves her lips and tugs on the bottom of my shirt. I take that as my cue to take it off and while I do that she proceeds to take of hers. Her lips find me again in haste and we slowly move up the bed until her head hit's the headboard. She lets out a groan and I pull back immediately, concern written all over my face.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Do you need ice? Should I stop? Oh god I'm calling a…" My panic mode is stopped by her lips. She pulls back with a smile on her face.

"I'm fine, really Ashes." She lets the words out huskily. I believe her words and got back to my assault on her lips. After a few minutes jeans are discarded and undergarments follow, minutes after that we are a tangled mess of arms and legs, heat radiating off of our bodies. This continues until I'm on top of her and I stop my hands previous actions. "What Ashes?" she says while out of breath. I stare at her for a moment, taking her in. Her eyes are glazed over with passion and her hair is sticking to her face, she looks beautiful. This would be the perfect time for me to say it, to let her know that I do love her and she doesn't have to wait to hear it.

"Nothing" Is the word that ends up leaving my lips. I lean back down and recapture her lips.

Movement in my bed wakes me up the next morning. I blink my eyes open to see a sleeping and fully dressed Jessica. She is wearing boxers and a tank top, which makes me smile. Jessica never likes to sleep naked, I figure its because she doesn't like to feel exposed. I become surprised to see her lying in my bed.

"Take a picture, it last longer" I hear her mumble into her pillow.

"I would, but I worry that by time I get back you'll be gone." She lets out a muffled laugh before turning to face me.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dad's out of town today remember? This means I can ride with you to school."

"Lucky me" I say before leaning to give her a kiss. The door to my room bursts open and Kyla runs in. She screams and I look down to realize I'm still naked. I quickly reach for the covers and pull the up on me. "Kyla!"

"I am so, so, sorry. I'll just be going" She covers her eyes and reaches blindly for the exit. She finds an opening and slips into it.

"Kyla" I yell.

"Yes" she replies.

"You're in my closet"

"Oh… If you don't mind can I stay in here? I've already seen way more of you then I ever need to see in my life."

"Yeah… sure" I say, really not looking forward to another peep show starring me. Jessica is on the side of me in a fit of giggles. I sit up on my elbows and glare at her. "Do you find this funny?" She shakes her head side to side while holding her hand over her mouth, trying to hide her smile. I take a pillow and hit her with it, which in turn started a pillow fight.


	17. Chapter 17

Tiniest Notion

Jessica and I took our shower together and got ready for school. On the drive there Jessica was telling me about how much fun this weekend is going to be. I smile at how excited she is about this.

"We can watch Fried Green Tomatoes", Jessica says. I shake my head while keeping my attention on the road. Fried Green Tomatoes is Jessica's favorite movie; she's seen it over a thousand times. She has also made me watch it with her every time; I'm the one who bought her the movie. Actually I bought her two copies, one for her house and one for mines. I also got her two copies of the book.

"Jesse, don't you ever get tired of watching that movie?" I ask knowing exactly what she is going to say.

"That's like asking if I ever get tired of you" she replies. I glance away from the road to look at her.

"Do you?" I inquire. My attention returns back to the road.

"Never"

I look back at her and she is leaning against the window while staring at me.

We pull up to the school to see Aiden waiting for us. I get out of the car first and walk over to Jessica's side to let her out.

"Thank you" she says while getting out of the car. I shut the door and she offers me her hand. "So are you going to visit your dad tonight?" she asks while we are walking towards Aiden.

"Um… I don't know." I haven't thought about visiting my dad and I miss talking to him. Normally I never miss, but I've been busy with Spencer. I start to wonder if I should stop, just to avoid Spencer. After all Glen did tell me to stay away from her and he means well. Then again I can't stop talking to my dad, it keeps me close to him. " Yeah, I am."

"Well… would you mind if I came with?" I stop walking and Jessica turns to stand in front of me. "I know, I know… I never ask and it's been an unspoken rule between us that I don't ask to go or ask you not to go. Its just that I would really appreciate if you let me go this one time and I swear I'll never ask again for as long as I live." I don't even think I heard what she just said. All I keep thinking is I wonder if Spencer will be there. I secretly pray that she won't be there.

"Yes"

"Yes" she repeats my answer with enthusiasm.

"Yes" I repeat. She jumps into my arms and leaves a trail of kisses on my face.

"I swear I'll be quiet, it will be like I'm not even there"

"I hope not because that would defeat the purpose of you coming", I joke. I hear a horn honk and look to see Kyla in her car.

"You two getting married or something?" Kyla shouts over her running engine. I'm about to answer her when she holds her finger up, signaling me to wait one minute. She then proceeds to pull her car into the spot next to me. Aiden jogs over to her car to open the door for her and she gets out. We got a surprise when Kyla pecks Aiden on the lips. She pulls back immediately shocked at her actions. "I… uh… I didn't mean to like… I'm sorry." Aiden stands in the same spot while Kyla walks towards me. Its quiet for a long time and one thing I can't take awkward silences. Aiden finally comes out of his stupor and takes a couple of steps so he is next to Kyla. They both avoid eye contact from each other.

"We're not getting married!", I shout randomly. Jessica raises her eyebrows at me, while Kyla and Aiden just stare. Suddenly I realize how dumb I look yelling. "You know… because Kyla asked if we were and… yeah we're not." I swing my arms in front of me and clap which is a nervous habit of mines.

"Okay…" Kyla stresses the word. "I'm going to go to my locker, I'll see you later Jessica… Ashley." She starts to walk away and Aiden shrugs his shoulders before following her.

"Ashes" Jessica says.

"Yeah" I answer.

"You are strange"

"I know." Jessica grabs onto my arm and leans on it.

"I still love you though", she replies. I smile at her and we walk towards our first class together.

Lunch came by quickly and I am sitting with Jessica in the quad. I am straddling the bench and Jessica is eating a burger and fries.

"I bet you I can do it", I challenge. Jessica continues to eat her food and I wait for her to speak, knowing she doesn't talk with her mouth full.

"If I throw the fry and you don't catch it then that would be wasting money", Jessica explains.

"Come on, please… I promise I'm an expert"

"At fry catching?"

"And other things", I wiggle my eyebrows at her and she slaps my arm playfully.

"Okay, okay one fry." She holds the fry in the air. "You ready?" I nod my head at her and she throws it in the air. She watches as I lean backwards and catch the fry in my mouth. Jessica claps her hands for me and I bow while eating the fry. "I'm impressed"

"I'm impressive"

"I'll say", Jessica whispers. "Let's see if you can get this one Ms. Expert." She puts a fry halfway in her mouth and leaves it there. I lean in and bite the fry so our lips touch. The kiss taste salty and her lips are greasy from the food, but she still tastes great. I pull away and finish eating the fry.

"My favorite food, fries with a hint of Jessica." She giggles before placing her hand gently on my face and I move closer to her. Jessica moves closer and I close the gap with my lips. We kiss at a slow pace with our eyes closed and Jessica bites my bottom lip. I hear someone clear their throat and feel Jessica's lips leave mines.

"Hello", Jessica speaks, but my eyes are still closed from the kiss. "What can I help you with Amy?" I open my eyes at the name and look to see Amy holding her sketchbook.

"I was just wondering if I could talk to you alone Jessica?" Amy puts her sketchbook down on the table. Jessica shakes her head and excuses herself from the table. They walk far enough away so I can't hear them and I take this as an opportunity. I reach for the sketchbook and go through the pages. The first couple of sketches are of random people she must know. I stop when I find a sketch of what I think is Spencer. There are words scribbled all over her picture; liar, user, heartbreaker are all on one side. Loving, caring, trustworthy, amazing, and my sister are the words written on the other side. Sister? I knew Spencer was lying. I keep going through the book and I find the picture Jessica told me she saw. In the picture there are nine people and I immediately recognize three of them. Glen, Amy, and Spencer are all in the picture with their arms around each other smiling. They all look so happy in the picture and it makes me wonder are they still like that. I flip the picture over and on the back of it are the words 'The Family'. This is Spencer's family… they are beautiful. I quickly put the picture back in the sketch book and put the sketchbook back where I found it. Jessica and Amy come back shortly after.

"Leaving me for another artist now?" I jokingly ask Jessica. She laughs at my joke, but Amy keeps a straight face. "Do you ever laugh?" I ask her.

"When something's funny" she quips.

"Fair enough" I have this sneaking suspicion Amy doesn't like me. "So is everything alright Jesse?" I move my other leg over the bench so I can lean my body against the table.

"Yeah, Amy just wanted to know if we could be partners", Jessica answers. She skips over to me and sits on my lap.

"Life partners?" I kid. Jessica smiles at me and kisses my cheek. "Aw my lips are lonely." She giggles before kissing my pecking my lips quickly.

"I have to go do something" Amy speaks and I remember that she is still here. She grabs her sketchbook and walks away. Aiden and Kyla come up to the table after her.

"Guess who the newest member of King High's football team is?" Kyla proclaims.

"Aiden you made it?" Jessica questions. Aiden nods his head in response and Jessica runs to hug him. "I'm so proud of you Aide." I get up and pound fist with him.

"When's your first game?" I question.

"Next week." Kyla answers for him.

"We should celebrate, lets all go out tonight", Jessica suggest.

"Sounds good to me… I am invited right?" Kyla asks.

"Of course", Jessica replies. The bell rings which mean we all have to go to class. We say goodbye to each other and head to our next period.


	18. Chapter 18

Tiniest Notion

The last bell rings and I hurry to get out of class to avoid the teacher asking about my homework assignment. I wait outside the door for Jessica and she is laughing on her way out with Aiden behind her.

"You forgot to do your homework, didn't you?" Jessica ask.

"It's hard to do homework when I have a very attractive girlfriend coming over every night", I respond.

"Maybe I should stop coming over then"

"Don't you dare" I grab her by her waist and pull her in for a kiss.

"You two are sickeningly cute." I look towards the voice to see Kyla.

"Aw is that jealousy I hear?" I inquire.

"Over you? Never", she jokes.

"Just go ahead and steal Aiden, like I know you want to", I quip. She laughs before taking Aiden by the arm and pulling him away. He waves bye to us with a grin on his face. "We've lost him to the cheerleader."

"Well think of it this way, better her than Sherry."

"Good point"

"So are you ready to go?"

"You're going to miss art class?"

"I told you I was going with you. So let's go." Jessica takes my hand and drags me to the car.

We pull up to my spot and I turn off the engine. I sit in the car for a minute, feeling awkward about Jessica being in the car. After a few more minutes I feel her soft hand cover mines.

"If you don't want me to go, I won't." I can hear the sincerity in her voice and it makes me feel better.

"No… I want you to come"

"Then let's go." I nod my head and we both get out of the car. She walks around from her side and takes my hand in hers. We walk up the path and I look around for Spencer and relax when she is nowhere in site. Jessica leans on my shoulder and we walk over to the edge of the cliff to sit down.

"Hey dad", I start.

"Hello Mr. Davies", Jessica throws in.

"Sorry about you know what", I say referring to my lack of conversations with him. "Jesse came up with me today as you can see. I know it shocked me too. Things have been the same pretty much, nothing new. Aiden made the football team and has something going on with Kyla. Yes, I do mean Kyla as in my sister."

"Ashes I'm cold" Jessica stops me from speaking.

"Okay, I'll get you a jacket, be right back Dad" I stand up and run down to the car. When I get back Jessica is talking so I take my time so I can hear what she's saying.

"I miss you Mr. Davies", Jessica says. "Life is hard without you around; it must be even harder for Ashes." She looks at the ground below her when she speaks. "I have a hard time looking at Ashes sometimes because she looks so much like you. It must be even harder for Mrs. Davies or Kyla. Ashes doesn't realize it, but she's not the only one who is still hurting." She wipes her face and I assume she is crying. "I remember when I was crying on the sidewalk because Aiden broke my paints. I was six… and you came and sat next to me. When I told you what happened you took me out and bought me a bunch of art supplies. I still have the paints you bought me; I only use it for pictures of Ashes. You're the reason I paint to this day. You told me, after you bought the supplies, that I would be an amazing painter and to make sure to give you my first masterpiece. I showed up the next day with a picture of you, it wasn't the best, but you said it would be your favorite portrait." She sniffles and puts her head in her hands. "Gosh I feel so dumb crying over you as if you were my dad." I take this time to interrupt.

"He always said you were his daughter." I take my previous seat next to her and put a jacket over her. "I keep wondering when I'll finally let go and stop coming here. It's been years Jesse and I haven't taken one step towards letting go." Jessica gives my hand a squeeze and kisses my cheek.

"Take your time Ashes, you will one day." She takes the keys to the car out of my hand and starts walking to the car. I put my head in my hands and close my eyes. A hand is placed on my shoulder and I look up expecting Jessica, but seeing Spencer. "What do you want?"

"I'm sorry", she whispers. I consider giving her a hard time, but I can't bring myself to do it.

"Okay" is all I can say. She takes a seat next to me and I look at her. I don't know what it is, but she looks different. Her hair is tied into a messy bun; her eyes are a brighter blue. She is wearing a red Fight Club t shirt with light blue jeans and flip-flops. There is no hoodie like she usually wears. "Something is different about you." She takes a look at herself and smirks.

"I'm not gloomy today"

"Yeah, that's it. I'm not sure how I feel about not gloomy you, kills the mystery." She gives off a light laugh and I notice this time her happiness reaches her eyes.

"Would you prefer if I changed my clothes?"

"I don't know yet, you seem nicer this way"

"I'm not nice the other way?" she questions.

"You scare me and intrigue me." I speak honestly and she gazes into my eyes.

"I'm a scary person"

"So I've heard"

"We all can't be nice like your girlfriend." If I didn't know any better I'd swear she was jealous. "She's pretty by the way."

"She's beautiful", I say while looking at the scenery in front of me.

"How did I know you would say that?"

"Because it's true", I respond. "You lied to me"

"Which time?" I look back at her.

"Glen is your brother and you have a sister named Amy"

"I know", is her only response.

"Do you have any other siblings?"

"You know I do"

"I know, but I wanted to see if you would lie again." I stand up and dust myself off, getting ready to head to the car where Jessica is. "Glen is a nice guy."

"I know"

"He told me that you're bad for me, to stay away from you"

"I know", she shifts awkwardly.

"Give me one reason not to." I know I was warned to stay away, but there is something about her that I can't leave alone. She doesn't answer right away so I start the walk back to the car.

"I can't stop thinking about you", she yells. I turn around and see her staring at me, silently begging that that's a good enough reason.

"See you tomorrow" I shout back before walking away.


	19. Chapter 19

Tiniest Notion

A few hours later and we are all at a club called Grey. We are sitting in a booth with Aiden and Kyla on one side and Jessica and I on the other. Kyla is moving her head to the music and staring longingly at the dance floor. I know the only reason Aiden hasn't asked Kyla to dance is because… he can't. It's not like Jessica and I never tried to teach him, he just can't get the rhythm. I look away from Kyla to stare inside my glass, full of a roman coke. I'm not big on drinking; it reminds me of Mr. Dennison because he drinks a lot. Jessica, however, drinks more than me. I monitor her though, always stopping her when I feel she's had enough. Right now she is on drink number one and so am I. The difference is this will be my only drink. Aiden and Kyla are both drinking too. The bartender never checks I.D. I asked her about it once and she replied that if she didn't sell it to us someone else would.

"I love this song", Kyla shouts. I listen to the song to realize it's that it's by Usher. It's called Love in This Club if I remember correctly. "Dance with me Aiden?" she says it in a tone that is practically begging. Aiden looks up at me and I shrug my shoulders. Kyla gets out of the booth and offers Aiden her hand. He accepts and they head off to the dance floor. I watch as Kyla starts dancing, but Aiden stands still. Kyla whispers something in his ear before putting his hands on her waist. She wraps her arms around his neck and they start to sway.

"So when are you going to ask me to dance Ms. Davies?" Jessica's voice breaks me out of my trance.

"Wanna dance?" I question.

"That wasn't a very romantic way of asking, so no." I'm about to ask her again when some girl walks up to us. She leans into the light over our table and I immediately recognize the girl it's…

"Amy, what are you doing here?" Jessica asks. I am getting really tired of seeing this girl; I swear she is stalking us.

"I come here every night", Amy responds. I fight the urge to call her a liar, but the word is on the tip of my tongue. Jessica places her hand on my knee and rubs the area. This is one of her many techniques she uses to calm me down.

"You're dressed different", Jessica starts.

"Like a slut." I try to hide my words with a cough. Jessica doesn't look at me, but she does squeeze my knee. Amy glares at me, but quickly turns her attention back to Jessica. Its not as if I'm lying, the girl is wearing a skirt so short I could see the inside of her…

"Would you like to dance Jesse?" I'm broken out of my thoughts by two things. One, Amy just asked my girlfriend to dance. Two, she just used my nickname for her. It's taking everything in me not to break my glass over her head. I keep reminding myself that this is Spencer's sister and I don't want to be on Spencer's bad side.

"Um… Sure?" I stare incredulously at Jessica and she shrugs in response. Amy snatches her out of the booth and drags her to the dance floor. Jessica mouths a sorry back to me and I just push my drink away from me.

"Please let there be a fast song next", I say out loud to no one really. Then the next song starts and it turns out to be Touch My Body by Mariah Carey. I look over to see Amy pull Jessica's hips closer to her. Jessica goes along with the movement and if this was a cartoon my head would have exploded. I am so wrapped up in watching Jessica that I don't see Aiden and Kyla come back to the table.

"Am I seeing things or is Amy Carlin dancing with your wife?" Kyla asks while scooting back into the booth.

"She's not my wife." Any other day I would go along with the wife thing, but I'm too mad to think.

"Psh, please, you two have been dating since you were in the womb." Aiden grins at Kyla's joke. "I didn't even know you two knew other girls existed." I continue to stare and ignore Kyla's words. There is too much going on through my mind. I'm weighing the pros and cons of acting on jealousy. On one hand I can walk over there and rip Amy's grubby hands off of my girlfriend. On the other, I can keep sitting here like an ass. That's enough logic for me to get up. I slide out of the booth and ignore Kyla's shouts of letting it go. When I reach them Amy leans in and Jessica backs away. I step in between them and lightly push Amy away.

"What the hell?" I yell.

"Ashes calm down." Jessica is trying to keep me from doing something that will get me in trouble, but I don't care.

"Oh now you care about her, that's funny because a couple of days ago you were having coffee with my sister." If there is one thing that I hate, it's getting told on. Kyla knows first hand from when she told our dad about me eating candy before dinner; I sat on her face until she cried. So you can imagine that being told on to Jesse really pissed me off. I push Amy again and she pushes me back. My hand is made into a fist and I'm about to swing when Jessica steps in the middle.

"I want to go home." Jessica is trying to end this, but I look over to Amy and see a smug look on her face. I move my hand again, truly considering hitting her. "Ashes! I want to go home." She moves in my line of vision and I know she is begging me to let it go… so I do. I walk away from both of them and leave the club. The cold air hits my face and I walk over to my car to sit on the hood. A few minutes pass before Jessica comes out with her arms folded across her chest. She stops a couple of feet away from me. "Aiden and Kyla are staying since they have my car." Jessica and Aiden share her car since they never go places without each other. If I'm around then Aiden gets to use her car and go wherever he pleases.

"Let's go." I hop off of the car and unlock the doors. We both get in and I speed off to her house.

We reach her house in silence and I turn off the engine. I want to say something, but she gets out of the car and enters her house. She leaves the front door open for me, so I get out of the car. I get into her house and walk upstairs to her room. Jessica's room is filled with paintings, pictures of us, and my songs written to her. There isn't a speck of wall to be seen. I love her room because it's so creative. I walk into her room to see her pacing back and forth.

"Who is she?" she asks when the pacing stops.

"I don't know." It's an honest answer because I have no idea who Spencer really is. Jessica sits on her bed and runs her fingers through her hair.

"You've been lying to me." I don't reply to her, instead I lean against the frame of her door. "What's her name?"

"Spencer"

"Is she pretty?" There is fear evident in her voice. She's afraid of me leaving her for some random girl.

"Yes"

"Prettier than me? Never mind, of course she's prettier than me. You wouldn't be sneaking around with her if she looked like a walrus." She's pacing again and I don't know what to say.

"I'm not cheating; I wouldn't do that to you. Let's not forget, that you were about to kiss Amy in the club." I know that's not the best thing to say right now, but I can't stop it now.

"I wasn't about to kiss her, you saw me pull away"

"Would you have done it if I wasn't there?" Jessica shakes her head and I see tears falling freely down her face.

"You have some nerve testing my loyalty"

"And you can test mines?" My voice is getting louder, but I don't care. "I have never, ever, done anything to hurt you. We had this talk Jesse, give me a break. I protect you every night, I ignore your dad beating the crap out of you, I don't call the cops when you show up bruised to my house. Not once in our time being together, have I ever acknowledged any other girl, but you. You are the only person I have ever been with…ever"

"I'm obviously not the last though. You think I don't notice? When you drift off into your own little world? Those times I look into your eyes and I know you aren't here with me. I'm losing you and there is nothing I can do to stop it." She chokes up on her words and takes a pause to control herself before speaking again. "You make it seem like you're obligated to be with me."

"You almost kissed someone else!" I shout. "I'm getting the third degree for hanging out with a friend and you were about to cheat."

"If she was just a friend, you wouldn't have kept her a secret."

"I just met her"

"Not a excuse", she retorts. Silence fills the air as I take steps in the room. Jessica shakes her head back and forth. "What are we doing?"

"Fighting", I answer. She glances up at me, tear steaks down her cheeks.

"We don't fight"

"I know"

"We never fight", she repeats.

"I know", is again my response. I take a seat on the bed next to her.

"What's wrong with us?"

"Couples fight"

"Not us"

"Even us" The silence envelopes us again and no words are spoken for, what feels like forever. Hours pass and we hear Aiden come home and close his door to his room. I get up and walk out of her room.

"Ashes" I come back in the room, but lean against the wall by the door. "Where are you going?"

"Sleep on the couch" I stick my hands in the pockets of my jeans and concentrate on the floor.

"Why?" I shrug my shoulders in response. This is a first for us and I don't know what to do. I could walk over there and tell her everything will be okay, but something is holding me back. "Please don't", she begs "If you sleep on the couch that means there is something wrong." She takes in a deep breath. "At least if you sleep in the bed with me… we can pretend everything is okay."

"I don't want to pretend." It's true, I hate pretending everything is fine and dandy when in reality, its not. "This isn't just any fight Jesse. You think I don't want to be with you, when I do." I look up from the floor and glance at her. Her gaze becomes too much so I look all around the room, anywhere, but at her. "I shouldn't have to convince you that I love you and I want to marry you. I've been telling you this since we were little. Only difference is, you didn't question it back then." I take a long pause. "Yeah, okay, I met a girl, but that doesn't mean anything." Jessica stands up and folds her arms.

"I'm sorry"

"I know and I'm sorry too" with that last statement I walk out of her room and down the hall. I stop in front of Aiden's door and pause before softly tapping on it. It takes him a couple of minutes, but he cracks open the door. He leans the top part of his body out and gives me a confused look. "We had a fight." He nods his head and opens the door for me to come in. I walk in slowly and take a look around his room. Aiden's room is not as fancy as Jessica's, his is more simple. He has a few posters on the wall and only two pictures on his wall. One is of his whole family. Mr. and Mrs. Dennison are hugging while and five year old Jessica and Aiden are opening Christmas gifts. They all look so happy and I remember that family. The other picture is a close up on Jessica, Aiden, and me. This was taken at the beach; we were around six, right before Mrs. Dennison left. We are all cheesing big for the camera and our hair is wet from playing in the water. I remember when he put the pictures up a few years ago.

_(Flashback 10 years ago)_

_A seven year old Aiden is looking through the family photo album. Jessica and I just sit in his room and watch him, it's been strange since Aiden doesn't talk. _

"_What's he looking for?" I ask Jessica._

"_I have no idea", is her response. He finally stops and takes out a picture and observes it. "What's that Aide?" He doesn't respond, he only gets up and walks over to his wall. Jessica and I watch as he takes a thumbtack and pins the picture to the wall. Jessica stands up and walks over to get a good look at the picture. I see worry come over her face and I walk over to see why. The picture is of their whole family on Christmas opening presents. "She's not coming back Aiden." Aiden hits the wall with so much force it makes both Jessica and I jump. He looks at her with hurt in his eyes and Jessica shakes her head. "I'm sorry Aide; I meant to say she will." His features soften and he walks back over to the photo album._

"_Why did you tell him that?" I ask._

"_Because he needs to believe that. My mom always said some people need the lies because the truth is too much for them. Aiden is one of those people." I swear this girl is a smart; she's like Yoda from Star Wars. Aiden comes back over to the wall and the next picture he puts up is of the three of us. He takes a step back and just stares at the two pictures. "It's perfect Aide"_

_(Flashback Ends)_

Deep down I know Aiden hasn't given up hope that his mom will come back. The fact that the picture is still up is proof of that. I feel Aiden put his hand on my shoulder. He points to the bed and signs, asking if I want to sleep there. "Yeah, if you don't mind, I was going to sleep on the couch, but…" He nods, understanding that I didn't want to be alone. "Can I borrow a shirt?" I watch as he walks over to his drawer and pulls out a white shirt. He throws it to me and turns around to give me privacy. I take off my clothes and put on the shirt, I had on boy shorts under my jeans so I don't need bottoms. The shirt is big on me, but it doesn't matter. "Done" Aiden turns around and walks over to the bed. He gets in on one side and I get in on the other. I pull the covers up tight on me and try hard not to cry. A few tears slip out and I wipe them while sniffling. Then out of nowhere I feel Aiden's arm come around me. It isn't in the coming on to me kind of way; he's just letting me know that he's there. I love that about Aiden, the fact that he never questions anything… he's just there. Jessica and he both have that quality, but they express it in different ways. Aiden expresses his in actions only. I never told Jessica this, but there are things that I can only talk to Aiden about. Aiden and I share a bond, we both hold on to people who we know are not coming back.

I feel his arm loosen around me after a while and I know he's fallen asleep. He's never been one for staying up all night. It doesn't take long for my eyelids to close themselves.

Morning comes and I feel someone running their fingers through my hair. My eyes flutter open and I see Jessica leaning over me. I close my eyes again and I hear her sigh. The bed dips as she climbs over me and hugs me from behind. I realize Aiden must be out of bed, he's a morning person.

"You have the most beautiful eyes. They look brown, but if you really look they are hazel." I don't say anything and she kisses my shoulder. Then she takes her hand and tangles it in my hair. "Remember how you use to hate your curls. I always thought they fit you, they are wild, like you." I turn around to look at her and she has her hair in a ponytail.

"I always though you and Aiden were lucky. Dark brown hair and greenish eyes? Those two combined are pretty hot." Their hair looks black in some light and I was always jealous of that.

"What are we going to do?"

"Dye my hair to match yours?"

"I mean about us"

"I know what you mean." The room gets quiet and I brush a strand of hair that fell out of Jessica's ponytail, behind her ears. She closes her eyes at my touch. I take my hand and brush my knuckles softly down her cheek.

"Please", Jessica whispers. "Let's put this stupid fight behind us. Last night almost broke me." She moves away from my touch and looks at the pillow.

"Okay." Truth is I can't take it either. She climbs over me and gets out of bed. I get out of the bed too and we walk back to her room. We walk in and she closes the door after us. She grabs my wrist and pulls me into bed with her. We lie down on the bed and I sit up against her headboard. She lays her head on my lap and stares up at me.

"I'm scared"

"I know" I caress her cheek.

"I figured you knew, you know everything"

"Only when it comes to you"

"Hmm let's see if this is true." She sticks her tongue and appears to be thinking. "What is my favorite color?"

"Rainbow, even though I told you it isn't technically a color"

"It is too, but next question… favorite holiday?"

"Christmas" I don't give a reason for that one to avoid bringing up her mom. "I prefer Halloween myself"

"I know because you like to do bad things while dressed up"

"Got that right" I wiggle my eyebrows at her and she slightly shoves my arm.

"Perve. Okay, next question… favorite movie?"

"You're not even trying to make this hard, it's Fried Green Tomatoes"

"Speaking of that movie, let's watch it" She flashes a grin and I realize she just tricked me.

"Jesse", I whine. "How about we stay in bed and do other things?" She taps her finger on her head and pretends to think.

"Watch a movie or fool around with my girlfriend, tough call there." I start to pout and she cups my face with her hands. "Aww, in that case I choose the movie" She giggles and gets off of the bed to go over to her DVD player. She bends down in front of me and looks back at me. You haven't seen cute until you see Jessica wearing a wife beater and her Transformers underwear that she gets from the little boys section at the store. She sticks her tongue out at me and I smirk.

"What are you smirking about?" I don't answer her, instead I jump off of the bed and she runs. She screams loudly and I chase her into the hall. I follow her down the steps, skipping a couple of them to catch up to her. She runs into her kitchen and when I follow in after her I see her standing there. "Don't you dare take another step Ashley Davies" I smirk before moving forward. "I'm warning you" I walk forward and she steps backward, this continues until I have her pinned between me and the counter.

"Now what was that about warning me?" I whisper. She smiles at me and plays with the hem of my boy shorts. All of a sudden I feel something cold in my shorts… extremely cold. "Ahh!" I jump back and Jessica runs away. It doesn't take long for me to realize she put ice down my shorts. I reach into my shorts to dig it out when I hear the back door open and Aiden walks in. He looks up to see me with my hand in my underwear. "Its not what it looks like, I swear." He puts both of his hands in the air and shakes his head with a smile on his face. "Aide, I swear…" He shakes his head and walks out of the room. "There was ice in my shorts!" He is gone by now. "I swear when I catch that girl", I mumble to myself.

"Did that cool you off?" I look up to see Jessica giggling in the kitchen doorway. She looks innocently at me and I don't waste time chasing after her.


	20. Chapter 20

Tiniest Notion

Jessica and I spent most of the day watching the same movie over and over again. We are currently on our fourth time of watching it and Jessica's fourth time of crying. I can never understand how she keeps crying like she doesn't know what happens in the end. We've been lying in bed so long I think my arm is going to fall asleep because Jessica has been lying on it.

"I love this movie." Jessica sniffles and I pass her a tissue.

"You don't say?" I say in a sarcastic manner. She glares at me and I give her my biggest smile.

"If you hate it so much then why are you watching it with me?"

"Key words, with you. I love spending time with you." She snuggles closer to me and I check the time on the cable box. Its four o clock so I decide that its time for me to go see Spencer.

"You have to go", Jessica speaks softly.

"Yeah, are you going to be okay?"

"Yup, I'll just lay here and watch TV", she says in a cheery voice. I know she's trying not to have me worried about her, but I will anyway.

"Why don't you hang out with Aiden?"

"Because he is dating your sister now and wants to spend every waking moment with her." My jaw drops and Jessica closes my mouth for me.

"When did this happen? I mean, I know they were flirting, but when did it become… you know… official"

"I saw them kissing this morning and confronted them. Turns out it happened last night after we left"

"Hmm" I mull over the idea of Kyla and Aiden dating. If you think about it they are perfect for each other.

"Get going and don't worry about me. I'm a big girl; I can take care of myself." I pout at her and she laughs. "Go, before I change my mind and keep you all to myself." I smile and lean in to kiss her, but she stops me. "Brush your teeth before you and while you're in there take a shower" I feign hurt and push her off of me in a playful way. "I love you Ashes, but I'll love you more when you're clean"

"You're one to talk; maybe you should get in after me"

"Or I could get in with you." Jessica wiggles her eyebrows and I'm quick to snatch her arm and drag her to the bathroom.

About an hour and a half later we finally come out of the bathroom. We would have stayed longer, but I really have to go. I look in her drawers for clothes I've left here previously.

"I moved them to the bottom drawer", Jessica states.

I nod my head before opening the bottom drawer. There is a good number of choices, but I go with what is most comfortable. I put on some camouflage cargo pants and a green fitted t shirt. Jessica is still in her towel, staring at me.

"What?" I question.

"Nothing, I just think you look hot right now."

"Oh really?" I raise one of my eyebrows at her and she throws a pillow at me.

"Yes really." I run and jump on the bed next to her.

"Is that all you were thinking?" I lie down and prop my elbow up so I can lean on my hand.

"I was also thinking about how lucky I am to have you"

"And?" Jessica turns me over and straddles my waist.

"How I can't wait until we have a place of our own"

"Hmm" Words aren't easy to form when a naked girl is on top of you. I look over at the clock and see that I'm late.

"Fine… go." I peck her lips and lift her off of me. Jessica is pretty light, even though she eats more than me and Aiden put together. She pouts as I grab my keys and leave her room. When I get outside I hear banging and turn to see Jessica in the window downstairs. She signs I love you and I laugh before returning the gesture. After she disappears from sight I get in my car and drive off.

I pull up into my normal parking spot and get out of the car. The strange thing is Spencer's car is right next to me with Spencer leaning against it. She is twirling her keys around her finger and smirking.

"Get in", is the first thing she says.

"But my dad…"

"No buts just get in. You want to know more about me, then get in the car." I look at her black Porsche and then her. "I promise it will be worth it." She adds a smile at the end of her sentence and I give in. I reach to open the passenger's side door, but she stops me. "Wait, put this on" She is holding a blindfold and I look at her like she is crazy. "Its nothing freaky I swear, just trust me"

"Okay, but if something happens to me I just want you to know people will notice if I'm missing" She smiles again and I realize how beautiful her smile is. I fall under her spell and allow her to cover my eyes with the cloth. Her touch is light and lingers on my face. After she ties the strings I feel her hands cup my face.

"Are you ready?" she whispers so softly that it makes my knees weak. I can't find my voice so I just nod my head. The sound of the car door opening catches my ears. She puts me in the car gently and closes it. I hear her get in on the other side and start the engine. The car hums and she starts to drive. After a few minutes she speaks again "So I hear you pushed my sister"

"She deserved it, trying to kiss my girlfriend", I state bluntly. There is a long pause on her end.

"She doesn't like your girlfriend, just so you know. She just hates you"

"I've done nothing to her, why would she hate me?"

"She has a reason, but it's not valid"

"Did I do something to her that I'm not aware of?"

"Yes"

"What is it?"

"You'll find out later. We're here." The car stops and the engine shuts off.

"Where is here exactly?"

"Take off the blindfold and see" I untie the blindfold and see that we are in a gated community. Everything is eerily quiet and I wonder if his is the part where the axe maniac comes out. "I know the quiet may seem creepy at first, but you grow to love it" She pulls into a driveway and gets out of the car. I reach for my door handle, but she opens the door for me. I get out of the car and watch as she takes off the hoodie she was wearing. Underneath is a black tank top to go with her black jeans. She lets her hair down out of a holder and it falls down her shoulders. I watch in awe as she shakes it free and runs her fingers through it. She notices me staring and smiles.

"Back to the gloomy look?" I say to get her from saying something about my wandering eyes.

"Habit", she says with a shrug. She holds her hand out for me and I hesitate before accepting. We walk to the front door and she stops us. "Okay let me warn you, this is my mother's house and today is my birthday and inside is a surprise birthday party for me"

"Why do you know about your own surprise birthday? And happy birthday jerk, you should have told me. Now I look like a loser with no present."

"To answer your first question, it's impossible to surprise me. Don't worry about the present thing. You just owe me one." She winks at me and I feel my cheeks get hot. "Are you ready?" I nod my head in response and she reaches for the door handle. I squeeze her hand and she looks back at me with a smirk. She opens the door and walks in, with me in tow. We walk into a pitch black house and all of a sudden the lights come on and people jump out.

"Surprise!" They all shout. Spencer smirks at them and they all groan. "She knew already, that kills the fun", somebody yells. There are a total of ten people and I figure this is a party for close family. An older version of Spencer walks up to us with an older dark haired man next to her.

"I don't even know why I bother if you know there is a party." She holds out her arms and Spencer lets go of my hand to hug her. "Happy birthday honey"

"Thanks mom", Spencer replies. I realize that this woman is her mother so the guy next to her must be Spencer's father. "Thanks dad" Spencer hugs the man and my suspicions are confirmed.

"Who is the pretty young lady next to you Spencer?" Spencer's mom points to me and Spencer looks at me before turning back to her mom.

"Ashley Davies, meet my parents"

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Carlin." I hold out my hand and they look at me strangely. My hand is put down by Mrs. Carlin and I am soon enveloped in a hug. Mrs. Carlin lets me go after nearly killing me and Mr. Carlin hugs me next.

"Nice to meet you Ashley, I'm Paula and this is Arthur. Let me introduce you to everyone else." She takes me by the hand and drags me away from Spencer. Mr. Carlin, however, stays behind to talk to Spencer about something. "Ashley this is Clay and his girlfriend Chelsea." An African American boy and girl are standing in front me. They smile warmly at me and I feel relaxed being around them. "Clay is Spencer's older brother and before you ask, he is adopted. He is also an amazing young man, makes a mom proud." Clay grins at the comment and Chelsea rubs his back.

"I wouldn't say all of that", he says. He is very well dressed, wearing a white button down and black slacks.

"I would", Chelsea interrupts. "She smiles at her boyfriend, then me. "Nice to meet you Ashley"

"Nice to meet you too", is my reply.

"Okay now on to the rest of the family." Mrs. Carlin pulls me away from the happy couple and over to a Latino girl. She is talking to some guy, but I cant see his face. Mrs. Carlin taps the girl and she turns around, revealing Glen as the guy she is talking to. "This, my dear, is Madison and…"

"Glen", I finish for her. Glen looks somewhat angry at me appearance at this party.

"You know Glen?" Mrs. Carlin questions.

"Yeah, he works at this coffee place Spencer took me to"

"So you've been to my shop. You're the reason Spencer has been in it after hours." Mrs. Carlin smiles and Glen gives me a look I cant place.

"I guess so." Things seem a little clearer now and that brings a smile to my face.

"What are you smiling about?" Glen sneers. The Latino girl backhands him in the stomach and then smiles at me.

"I'm Madison, Glen's wife and it's nice to meet you…"

"Ashley", I finish for her.

"Ashley", she repeats to herself. "Maybe that's what we should name the baby Glen"

"It sounds like something you would name a girl who doesn't listen", he retorts. He stares at me for a long time and I become uncomfortable, so I look at his clothes. I notice there must be a black theme or something because Glen is wearing a black button down, with black jeans. Spencer and him must be more alike then anyone else. They both give off that stay away vibe at first site. Mrs. Carlin senses the tension and pulls me away.

"Darling, it appears that you are Glen's bad side", she whispers.

"I don't understand why." That's a lie, I know, but I don't want Mrs. Carlin to not like me. She seems so nice, even to a complete stranger.

"I should let you know something darling. When it comes to lies, I can always spot them." She smiles at me and Spencer appears out of nowhere.

"Having fun?" Spencer asks.

"Yeah, your mom…" I look around, but Spencer's mom is nowhere in sight. "She was right here. Well anyway, she was introducing me to your family"

"Did you meet them all?"

"I didn't see Amy" I have no urge to see her either. There is a chance that if I do I might hurt her and that would make a bad impression with Spencer's family.

"Did you see Rowan?"

"Rowan?" I give her a confused look and she smiles.

"She is talking about me" I turn around to see a young boy with black hair. His hair is cut short, but enough for him to spike up. He is dressed just like Glen, but he actually smiles. He is Latino like Madison and I wonder if he is her little brother. "Hi, I'm Rowan, Spencer's son" I think I'm getting older because I'm hearing wrong.

"Did you say you were Spencer's son?" I ask.

"Yes I am", he replies happily. He then walks over to Spencer and hugs her. "Happy birthday Spencer" She hugs him and stares at me.

"Hey Rowan, how about you go upstairs and get Amy?" He nods his head and grins at me before speeding off to some unknown destination.

"Son?" I ask.

"Let's go outside where it isn't so loud." She takes my hand and leads me to a glass door which leads to the backyard. There is a hammock which she sits me down on. I almost fall out of it, but she catches me. "Careful" I regain my composure and sit on the hammock with her beside me.

"I'm sorry, how old are you again?" This is the first of many questions I about to fire at her.

"I'm twenty now"

"How old is Rowan?"

"He is thirteen"

"That is mathematically impossible for him to be your son"

"He's adopted", she says nonchalantly. This covers my 'aren't you gay' question.

"How did that come about?"

"Long story involving his sister, I'll tell you another day." I accept that answer and I start to swing in the hammock.

"Rowan huh?" I smile when Spencer chuckles at the name.

"He's named after some guy his biological mom had a crush on."

"It's an interesting name", I joke.

"Yeah, he gets that a lot." Spencer stares at the sky and I make a bold move to hold her hand. She looks down at our newly laced fingers, than looks at me. "You're beautiful and I am completely jealous of your girlfriend." I'm taken back at her words and I pull my hand away at the thought of Jessica. "I knew you would do that. You don't seem like a cheater, too loyal for that." She moves to lie down on the hammock. "I dreamt of you last night and the night before that and every night since I've met you."

"Why are you being so honest?"

"Because you want me to be" She pats the spot next to her and I lie down next to her. I lean against her to keep from tilting the thing over. Music starts to play loudly from inside the house, but Spencer makes no effort to move.

"Tell me something about you", I whisper.

"What do you want to know?" she whispers back.

"Why do you come to my cliffs?"

"I didn't realize you own it"

"Just answer"

"Here is the thing; I'll be one hundred percent honest with you always. It will have to be in my own time though; most of your questions won't be answered until later." I nod my head, agreeing to her terms.

"Glen says you're dangerous to my health"

"I am." She doesn't hesitate in her response. "You shouldn't even be here right now."

"Then why am I?"

"Like I said before… I can't stop thinking about you"

"Oh", is all I can say. We stop talking after that and I busy myself with Spencer's fingers. I notice there is a pale spot on her ring finger where a ring must have been.

"Spencer?"

"Hmm", she answers.

"Where is the ring that was on this finger?" She gives me a confused look.

"Around my neck" I notice a piece of string around her neck that disappears in her shirt. My fingers trail the string and pull it out of her shirt. A silver ring hangs from the end of it and I inspect the jewelry. Spencer's hand grabs mines and I glance at her. She shakes her head and I leave it alone. In the background, a song plays that I've never heard before. It gets louder and all I hear at first is the intro.

"Would you like to dance?" Spencer asks.

"You dance?"

"Is that shocking?"

"Honestly? Yes" She chuckles and I love the sound even more.

"Get up" I follow her instructions and trip out of the hammock. She laughs and gets out after me. Spencer bends down and is eye level with me.

_Wise enough, wise man'll tell you a lie_

_Window broke, torn up screens_

"Careful", she whispers.

_Who'd have thought that you'd dream_

_Of a single tragic scene_

Spencer helps me up and proceeds to put her hands on my hips.

_I just wanna sing a song with you_

I put my arms around her neck and she starts to sway us.

_I just wanna take it off with you_

She takes my hands from around her neck and spins me out.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_You are all I need_

She spins me back in and I end up with my back to her front.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_You're the sweet to my mean._

She moves us side to side in the same position.

_Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand_

_I can help you to stand_

_Saved it up for this dance_

Spencer spins me out again and twirls me in a circle before bringing me back to her.

_Tell me all the things you can_

I'm facing her again and she has the most intense stare I've ever felt.

_I just wanna sing a song with you_

_I just wanna be the one that's true_

Her eyes make me feel like she knows everything that's in me. This is why I break away from her gaze.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_You're the secret I keep_

_Cause Blue Eyes_

"What's wrong?" she whispers.

_All the lights on and you are alive_

_But you can't point the way to your heart_

I don't answer so she takes my chin in her fingers to make me look at her. "What's wrong?" she whispers again.

_So sublime, when the stars are aligned_

_But you don't know_

I look into her eyes and fall into them.

_You don't know the greatness you are_

I feel like I'm drowning in blue, but I don't want to be saved.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_You are destiny's scene_

"Ashley" The sound of my name brings me back. She has this concerned look on her face.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_I just want to be the one_

"Where did you go?" she questions.

_I just wanna sing a song with you_

_I just wanna get it on with you_

"I love your eyes." It's a random statement, but it had to be said.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_You're the secret I keep_

"Who sings this song?" Another random question, but like the first one it had to be asked.

_Cause Blue Eyes_

_I just wanna sing a song with you_

She doesn't answer me instead she leans in and captures my lips.

_I just wanna sing a song with you_

Her kiss ignites fires all over my body. Spencer's lips skillfully claim mines and I can't help, but kiss back.

_I just wanna sing a song with you_

The song ends and so does our kiss. Spencer leans her forehead against mines and looks into my eyes. I close them and run my tongue over my lips. My head is spinning from the contact with her and I feel something… different. Something bigger then what I feel when Jessica kisses me. Jessica… I start to panic when I realize what I've just done. My eyelids shoot open and I pull away from Spencer. "I shouldn't have done that", I say.

"I kissed you remember"

"You shouldn't have done that", I correct.

"Maybe, but I'm not sorry for doing it" She turns back into the Spencer that reminds me of Glen.

"I have a girlfriend"

"I don't recall bringing her up", she retorts.

"She should be brought up, I love her", I whisper in a harsh manner.

"Have you told her that?" I'm about to turn this into a full blown argument when Amy appears. Spencer doesn't notice her, but I do. I see her staring at us in disbelief and I wonder how long she has been there. Spencer turns around to see what I'm looking at. "Amy", she starts. Amy doesn't respond, she just shakes her head and disappears back inside the house. Spencer glances at me before following after her sister. I tail behind Spencer and we walk inside the house to see Rowan by the door.

"What about my sister?" he inquires.

"Rowan"

"I thought you love her, how can you forget about her and kiss this girl." I have never been so confused in my life and it must show.

"Because she's selfish and never thinks about anyone else", Amy yells from in the hallway. "You promised Spencer, you said that no one else would be brought into this family."

"Amy, I am an adult"

"So that means you can lie? You said it would just be us and you would focus on us."

"I am"

"You're focusing on something, but it isn't this family. Its some slut that cheats on a girlfriend that loves her." I'm about to intervene when Spencer speaks for me.

"She's not a slut, I kissed her"

"Who kissed who honey?" Spencer's mom appears in the hallway with a smile on her face. "Did I miss something?"

"Yeah" Rowan is the one speaking now. "Spencer is a liar" He runs out of the hallway and soon the front door slams. Amy shakes her head before running after him. Mrs. Carlin looks after her running daughter, then back at Spencer.

"I know you mean well honey", is all she says before walking back into the main room where the party is.

"Spencer" I speak for the first time since Amy caught us.

"I should get you home", she says before walking into the room her mother went into. I follow behind her, but I'm stopped by Glen.

"Do you always go against good advice?" he asks. I have no answer for him so instead I look at my shoes. "Don't fall for an illusion" With those words said, Glen leaves me alone and I look for Spencer.


	21. Chapter 21

Tiniest Notion

The car ride back is an awkward one. Between the kiss and getting called a slut, I just don't know what to say. Spencer insisted I still wear the blindfold so that doesn't help. I move my hand and blindly feel for Spencer's.

"It's on the wheel"

"What?" I reply. I know what she is talking about, but I need to hear her voice.

"Both of my hands on the wheel even if I did have a free hand; I wouldn't let you hold it." She's being cold to me and I miss the Spencer that grabbed my hand before the party.

"Why is that?"

"Because holding your hand would make it harder"

"Make what harder?" I hear the engine cut off and I realize that we have stopped.

"Telling you to get out of my car" I feel her hands untie the blindfold and I come face to face with the saddest blue eyes I've ever seen. Spencer leans in close enough to the point where our lips barely touch. She closes her eyes and leans her forehead against mines.

"Spencer", I whisper. She doesn't open her eyes, she just tightens them. "Spencer." She opens her eyes and at this moment they remind me of Jessica's, holding the slightest bit of innocence. "Why is Glen so against you?"

"He's not against me, just the idea of you with me"

"Glen and you are just alike"

"We are siblings", she says in a duh tone.

"Not all siblings are alike, look at you and Amy." Or me and Kyla, I think to myself. Spencer pulls away from me and sits back in her seat. She grips the wheel and stares off somewhere.

"I wish I was like Amy", she states. "Amy wouldn't have done what I did, she is a better person than I could ever hope to be"

"You have a warped vision of what makes a good person." Spencer hits the horn and I jump from the noise. "Plus you seem like an amazing person."

"If you think that maybe you're the warped one"

"You're taking care of some girl's little brother while she is god knows where. So yeah, I think you are."

"How do you know I didn't do something to her? How do you know its not my fault that she is gone?" Spencer yells. She turns to glare at me and her facial expression is fierce.

"Did you?" I whisper. "Is that why you adopted him?" Spencer looks away from me and focuses her attention on the steering wheel.

"Ashley, why did you kiss me back?" I sigh to myself before looking out the window.

"I wanted to know what your lips feel like", I confess.

"Was it everything you thought it would be?" She says it sarcastically and it bothers me.

"If I said yes, would you do it again" I don't know where the courage to ask came from, but I'm not about to take it back. My head turns slowly to see Spencer's reaction. She looks as she is having an internal debate. "It's a yes or…" I'm cut off by a pair of lips that I've become addicted to feeling. I think it's because I know her kisses are rare, something I won't get too often and that's if I get another one. Spencer doesn't tease like Jessica; she doesn't bite or lick my lips. She kisses them like she is trying to savor the flavor. Her hand land on my thigh and I almost explode from her gentle touch. Spencer's lips leave mines for air, but I'm quick to claim them back. I know that if either of us stops kissing long enough our thoughts will get in the way. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to think about the consequences. I just want to keep kissing Spencer until I die of lack of oxygen. Spencer, however, has different plans because she pulls away completely.

"You should go", she says calmly. I'm desperately searching for words to save the moment, anything that will get her wonderful taste back on my lips. "Don't say anything, just go. I can't do this with you Ashley. You have a girlfriend and I'm… meant to be alone. Go home and be with Jessica and forget about me."

"Um… I guess" I want to be mad at her for kissing me one second and kicking me out the next. Then again I am the one doing wrong, so can I really be mad at her? I reach for the door handle, but I'm stopped by Spencer.

"Let me get that." She opens her door to get out, but I stop her this time.

"I can open the door for myself"

"I know", she replies. She still gets out of the car and comes around to open my door. I get out with her assistance and step out of the way while she closes the door.

"You make it hard to hate you when you're being so polite" I stick my hands in my pants and kick the dirt below my feet. She chuckles to herself and looks me straight into my eyes.

"Drive safely…… Ashley Davies" The way she says my name attracts me to her more than I can explain. I'm about to go in for another kiss, but Spencer walks back around the car to get in the driver's side. Within minutes I am watching her Porsche's taillights fade away. I stand in the same spot, replaying tonight through my head.

"I am so confused", I say to myself.

I arrive at Jessica's house, hesitant to go inside. The thought of seeing Jessica after being with Spencer… I just don't know. I decide to get out of the car and go into the house. The front door is open so I just walk in. I look around and see a movie playing on the TV. Thinking that someone forgot to turn it off, I walk over to shut it off. I hear strange noises and when I look towards the sound I see Kyla and Aiden kissing.

"What in the…" Kyla jumps off of Aiden and they scramble to fix themselves. "I mean I heard you to were together, but wow"

"I… we… I should get home" Kyla stutters. I hold my hands up and start walking towards the stairs.

"Don't stop on my account" I reach the stairs and start up them. Halfway up the stairs I stop and look back at them. Aiden is brushing Kyla's hair behind her ear and she is giggling.

"You are really something special Aiden Dennison", Kyla says. Aiden pecks her lips and she pushes him back down on the couch. I have this strange feeling that they will be together for a long time. Slowly, but surely I walk up the stairs and to Jessica's room. She is asleep on the bed and the DVD is still playing. I walk over to the bed and lay down in front of her. Her eyes flutter open and she gives a small smile.

"Hey you", she whispers with a raspy voice.

"Hey", I whisper back. "How long have you been sleep?" She turns her head to look at the clock.

"A couple of hours, I missed you Ashes"

"I know you did", I reply.

"Did you miss me too?"

"You should go back to sleep Jesse"

"I will when you tell me you missed me", she responds. She drags her fingers across my arm.

"Yeah, I missed you"

"Good to know." With that said she kisses me and goes back to sleep. I stay awake uncomfortable with the lie I told.

Morning came and I'm lying in Jessica's bed trying to avoid getting up. All last night I kept thinking of Spencer and wishing I could see her again, thinking of those ocean blue eyes and mysterious demeanor. I wondered about her lips and how they managed to convey feelings I've never felt before. Those thoughts plague me again at this moment. I need to see Spencer right now, but I know I shouldn't. On the side of me there is a note from Jessica saying she went out with Aiden to get some fresh air. The note ends with her telling me she will be back in a couple of hours and she loves me. Her note has a heart at the bottom with XOXO next to it. I remember when I use to love getting these notes and I saved every single one of them. Now I'm looking at her note and feeling nothing, but guilt. Guilt for letting someone be close to me in a way that only Jessica should, being kissed by someone who wasn't my girlfriend, even more guilt for liking the kiss. My thoughts soon leave Jessica and focus fully on Spencer. I try to think of everything I know about her and come to realize it isn't much. The only way to find out more is to talk to her, but I'm sure she wants nothing to do with me. I wonder if I should let it go, let her go and go back to the way things were before. Then I realize it is way too late for that so I get up and get ready to leave the house and see Spencer.

The drive to the cliffs is a short one thanks to my running a few red lights. I park close enough to walk, but far away enough so Spencer cant see my car. My feet make noise against the gravel as I make my way into the parking area. Spencer's Porsche catches my eye and I become excited at the fact that she is here. I walk up the hiking path and see Spencer sitting on the edge of the cliff, playing her guitar. She strums a tune that sounds familiar so I stay behind and listen.

"Love of mine, someday you will die, but I'll be close behind. I'll follow you into the dark. No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white. Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied and illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark." She keeps playing the same chords, but stops singing. "I know you are there"

"Is that why you come here? To sing?"

"And to think, it's a great thinking spot, but you already know that" I walk towards her and sit down as close as possible. "What are you doing here?"

"My original plan was to lie and tell you that I'm here to talk to my dad, but I can't." She sighs, but continues to play. "I came here because I really wanted to see you." Spencer doesn't say anything she just nods her head. "Say something"

"You have a girlfriend", she says in a monotone.

"I know, but does that really mean we can't… I don't know… hang out?" Spencer keeps playing random chords. "I just really don't want to stop seeing you." I stop her from playing and grab her hand.

"What would you tell Jessica?"

"The truth… that I'm hanging out with you"

"I'm not much fun." She looks at me with a smirk on her face. I grin at her comment.

"I'll be the judge of that." She shakes her head and let's go of my hand, to put the guitar on the side of her.

"Ashley Davies, you are one persistent girl", Spencer jokes.

"Is that a good thing?" I question.

"Yeah it is"

"So… what are you doing today? If you don't mind me asking"

"My family is having a barbeque", she states.

"That's nice, is today a special occasion?"

"Its Sunday, my family has a barbeque every Sunday. My parents started this tradition a couple of years ago when we all started to move out of the house. They said they wanted to make sure that we didn't drift apart as a family" I nod my head and secretly wish that I had a family tradition like that.

"Why aren't you there now?"

"I was hoping my date would show up", she replies. I visibly deflate and feel disappointed, even though I have no right to.

"That's cool… you're going on a date, that's good. Dates are a good thing they allow us to meet new people and form new relationships" I clap my hands together and rub them. "You would probably want to get out there in the dating world" Spencer chuckles and I stare are her in confusion.

"Are you done?" she asks. I nod my head and she reaches behind her to pull out the blindfold. "Good because you were going to make us late" I grin at her and immediately feel stupid for my rant. "Don't feel stupid for the rant, it was cute" She stands up with her guitar in hand and offers me the hand with the blindfold in it. I take her hand and she pulls me up so I end up close to her face. "We have to stop meeting like this", she jokes.

"Let's get to your car" She shakes her head in agreement and we start walking to her car.

"Speaking of your car, how can you afford it?"

"That's a pretty blunt question"

"I'm just curious"

"My family is wealthy; we own a lot of businesses in L.A." This information catches me off guard.

"How did you come into all this money Miss Carlin?" I nudge her with my shoulder, but she doesn't seem fazed by it.

"My family has always had money; it started with my great grandparents. They invested into some stocks and by time it got to my grandparents the stock was worth a lot of money. My grandparents sold the stocks and invested in some businesses, passed those down to my parents"

"So what do your parents do with all this money?" We reach the car and she puts the blindfold over my eyes.

"They put majority of it into trust funds for Amy, Clay, Glen, and I. We all got our money when we turned eighteen, you know, except for Amy" She ties the blindfold and helps me into the car. I wait for her to open the driver's side and get in. When she gets into the car she continues talking while she drives. "We put a lot of money into grants and donating to charity. Once a year we even send an aspiring artist to attend school in Paris. It's a full ride and the only thing we ask in return is that they attend a couple of family Sundays"

"Wow that's amazing. You family is really generous, but if they have all that money, why work? At the coffee house"

"My mom really wanted a place that would serve as a getaway for people. She also requested that only family work there"

"So you, Glen, Clay, and Amy work there?"

"And Madison and Chelsea… we're here." I remove the blindfold and frown.

"What's wrong?" Spencer asks.

"Yesterday" Spencer shakes her head in comprehension.

"It was just yesterday that that whole mess happened. Don't you think its too soon to be bringing me around again?"

"I admit that yesterday wasn't the best, but I talked to Rowan and Amy" I roll my eyes at the mention of Amy. "Rowan promised to be on his best behavior if you ever came around again"

"And Amy?"

"Amy promised she wouldn't verbalize her thoughts, but will continue to give you dirty looks"

"I can deal with dirty looks, but what about Glen?" She looks puzzled.

"What about Glen?"

"Is he going to continue to tell me to stay away from you?" She doesn't miss a beat in responding.

"Yes and he is right in doing so" I scrunch my face up in a frown and she sighs. "But if it would make you feel better, I'll ask if he can lay off a little"

"A little?"

"Yes a little, he's only looking out for your best interest. You can't really be mad at him for doing that" She's right, he really does seem like a nice guy. "He is a nice guy" I look at Spencer with an eyebrow raised.

"Can you read my mind?"

"No, but I wish I could, not just yours, but everyone's. Then I could figure out what my family really thinks of me, of the things I've done" Spencer lies her head on the steering wheel and lets out another sigh. I take my hand and rub small circles on her back.

"It can't possibly be that bad", Spencer flinches from me with a visible scowl.

"What do you know?" her voice just got a little higher, but I don't let it bother me.

"I know that someone who sings so beautifully can't possibly be that bad"

"You really are young" she whispers before getting out of the car. She comes around and opens my door. I get out of the car and take a minute to look at what she's wearing. It's the same hoodie and another pair of black jeans.

"Is it a rule in your family that everyone wear black or something?"

"Not everyone in my family wears black all the time. Amy, Chelsea, and Madison don't wear it all the time. What's wrong with wearing black?" She looks down at her apparel.

"Looks like you're going to a funeral" We start walking to the front door.

"Who knows? Maybe I am" We reach the front door and stand in front of it.

"Okay, but can you at least get rid of the hoodie. I like your hair out in the open" She takes off the hoodie and underneath is a plain black shirt. I laugh at the plainness of her shirt and she tilts her head in confusion. There are certain moments in my life that made a huge impact on my life. My first kiss with Jessica, the first time she said I love you, my dad dying, but I'm telling you right now that none of those things seem to compare to right now. When Spencer tilts her head and the sun catches the side of her face I swear to you my world shook. I thought her kisses were amazing, but wow, seeing her do that one move accompanied by a small smile that practically knocked me on my ass. At this moment I knew that Spencer Carlin was no joke, she would be the end of me. This girl would kill my relationship and most likely break my heart, but I couldn't care less.

"Are you okay?" Spencer questions. I try to shake out of the trance, but I can't.

"No", is all I say before taking a step forward and kissing her. She seems shocked by the sudden action, but it quickly passes and she wraps her arms around me. I kiss her with more passion than I knew existed in me. She tries to pull away, but I cup her face and pull her more into it.

"Spencer"

Spencer finally breaks free and gazes into my eyes. I don't break eye contact; my gaze is just as intense. I'm out of breath so my breathing is heavy, her breaths match mines.

"Spencer" She looks away to look towards the voice that interrupted our kiss. I recognize the person to be Rowan, in his swimming trunks. He looks hurt for the most part, but tries to hide it. "We were waiting on you, I got worried. Hello Ashley"

"Hi Rowan"

"Are you coming inside?" he asks in a begging kind of way. Spencer pulls away completely and walks towards the door. She walks up and hugs Rowan before motioning for me to follow her. I start to walk inside when Rowan stops me; he closes the door and looks at me. His eyes rake over every part of my body and I instantly feel uncomfortable.

"Rowan?"

"She likes you a lot, she didn't tell me, but I know. I haven't seen her, this happy since my sister. She may not show it… or any emotion at all really, but she is. Don't hurt her okay? She's all I have" I take this opportunity to fish for answers.

"What happened to your sister?" Rowan appears put off by my question; as if I wasn't suppose to ask.

"You don't know already?" I shake my head side to side. "My sister is…"

"Rowan" Spencer's voice cuts him off mid sentence. "Your grandparents need help setting up out there, how about you go see what you can do?" Rowan looks at Spencer and nods his head and heads inside the house. "Plan on staying out here forever?" Spencer inquires.

"No, I was just talking to Rowan" Spencer pulls me inside and closes the door behind me. "Spencer what happened to Rowan's sister?"

"She met the wrong girl" Spencer says nonchalantly. She takes my hand and takes me to the backyard where we had our first kiss. When we step outside I see Mr. Carlin at the grill with Mrs. Carlin hanging onto him, laughing at something he said. Amy and Rowan are playing in a pool I didn't recognize before. Clay and Glen are tossing around a football while Madison and Chelsea watch them. Spencer takes me over to her parents and they turn to us with a smile on their face.

"Spencer honey, I see the beautiful Ashley is back. Glad to see Amy didn't scare you off dear, she has a tendency to do that. Our paperboy actually went on strike because of her", Mrs. Carlin jokes. Spencer hugs her parents and I mimic her actions. "Go relax, the food will be ready soon" Spencer pulls me away from her parents and over to the hammock we were in the night before. This time I get in with ease and Spencer lies next to me.

"I like your parents" I murmur. Spencer positions her left arm around my shoulders and I lean into her. She hums in response and I settle into her chest.

"Hey Glen, what do you think about an adult dating a high school girl?" Amy's voice attracts my attention and I try to peer over Spencer's chest to watch her.

"I think that if that adult was truly an adult, they wouldn't date a child" Spencer's eyes stay closed through out this whole exchange between Amy and Glen. "Right, Spencer?" Spencer eyelids stay closed, but she opens her mouth.

"I think some people are too involved in other people's business", she responds.

"And I think some people need to be in other people's business. Then maybe certain things wouldn't happen which causes certain people's parents to pay a lot of money to bail that certain person out of trouble" Glen proclaims.

"Glen", Mr. Carlin shouts. I look at Spencer and she's not even breaking a sweat.

"No dad, we were all finally getting over it and she brings this girl around. This girl who has no idea about anything, do you expect me to stand by and watch something happen to her too?" Then just as quick as lightning, Spencer is up and standing in front of Glen. I'm in shock at how smoothly she got up from the hammock, I barely felt it. They have some sort of staring contest and neither of them back down. "Tell me Spencer, how do you live with yourself? Knowing what you did"

"Glen I advise you to leave this subject alone" I get off the hammock and walk over to the two siblings. Glen looks like he is thinking about Spencer's words.

"I still don't get how mom and dad would help you hide what you did. If it were up to me you would be in jail with all the other criminals" I expected some sort of fight or any reaction from Spencer, but she just takes a step back.

"You and me both" she replies. With that said Spencer walks back into the house.


	22. Chapter 22

Tiniest Notion

I follow Spencer into the house and into the kitchen. Spencer goes to the fridge, opens it, and bends down to get a better look in it. It bothers me how calm she is pretending to be. Inside she must have a battle raging, at any minute she's going to explode and say…

"Are you thirsty?" That's not what I was expecting at all. "We have Sprite"

"What thefuck Spencer?"

"I take it you are a 7up girl"

"I know it's none of my business…" Spencer comes out of the fridge with two Cokes and holds them up for my approval. "Yeah that's fine. I know it's none of my business, but why did you let Glen talk to you that way"

"What way?" She hands me my Coke with a napkin around it.

"Like you're the scum of the earth" Spencer goes to the counter and leans against it. "And don't give me anyshit about you deserve it"

"This will all blow over; don't even give it another thought. Yeah, Glen said things, but that's Glen. He can be a little much, but at the end of the day he's still my brother" Spencer takes another sip of her drink.

"Spencer, if we are going to be together I need to know what happened to Rowan's sister. I mean really know, not just the bits and pieces" Spencer tenses up and her face turns stone.

"We aren't going to be anything, you understand" She puts a death grip on the soda can. "I don't need to tell you anything. I'm not your girlfriend"

"Then what do you call it? Because in between you telling me you like me and the kisses, I'm pretty damn confused"

"You kissed me" I put my drink on the kitchen table and walk out of the kitchen. I don't get very far before I feel Spencer's hand grip around my wrist. Her grasp is strong, but she loosens it when I tense up. "I'm sorry, but where do you think you are going?"

"I'm leaving" I attempt to pull away, but the hold gets tighter once again. "Let go of me Spencer" She lightly pushes me against a nearby wall and I see something in her eyes I can't place. She places both of her hands on my shoulders to hold me in place.

"You have no idea where you are, how do you expect to get home?" Her voice is a harsh whisper. "Don't be stupid, Ashley" At this point I am actually scared of her and I consider yelling for someone.

"Spencer, you're hurting me" As soon as those words leave my lips Spencer changes. She gets this far away look in her eye and I wonder where she just went. I feel her hands leave me and she takes steps back.

"You could get lost out here" I don't know what to say to her, she almost hurt me, but somehow I still feel the need to console her. "Do you want to go back home?" She sounds remorseful and I know she doesn't want me to go.

"I'd rather go outside and taste your father's barbeque" Spencer smirks and presents me with her hand. I take it and we walk back into the yard with the rest of the family.

Over the next couple of weeks Spencer and I continue to get closer while Jessica and I drift further apart. Cheating is a strange thing; it makes you more paranoid then necessary and makes you feel like the lowest form of scum. At the same time it makes you feel more alive then ever, like having a secret only you and the other person know. For me that other person is Spencer, the stunning and mysterious Spencer. She still keeps her secrets, but let's loose on rare occasions. Her kisses happen more often and are more affectionate. The anger still peers its head every once in awhile, but I think she's learning to trust me. The more Spencer and I get along the more Jessica and I fight. Last week is a good example of our relationship lately.

_(Flashback to Last Week)_

_Jessica and I walk through the halls together holding hands. I see Amy heading our way so I quickly drop Jessica's hand and put some distance between us. I don't want Amy to report what she sees back to Spence. Even though Spencer and I aren't together, I still don't want to hurt her. When Amy passes us by, I move back over to Jessica and continue walking, but Jessica stops. _

"_What was that about?" she questions. _

"_What are you talking about?" I pretend to have no idea what she is talking about._

"_That stunt you just pulled, letting go of my hand in front of Amy. Was there a reason behind that?" _

"_You're over reacting Jesse" I try to put a handon her waist, but she pushes it away._

"_No, I'm not. Lately all you do is pull away from me. You know how scared I am of losing you and you still continue to act like this" People in the hallways stop heading in their destinations and start watching us. I grow uncomfortable with all the extra attention, but Jessica doesn't seem to notice or she doesn't care._

"_Jesse, you're making a scene", I whisper harshly._

"_Good", she yells. "This seems like the only way to get your attention" She faces the crowd and holds her hands out in the air. "Step right up people and witness the end" She turns around to face me with tears framing her eyes. "Of our relationship"_

"_Jesse", I sigh. _

"_You promised, you said you wouldn't hurt me"_

"_And I haven't!" I say, my voice getting higher._

"_You haven't! What the hell would you call this?"_

"_You over reacting, you sure everything is okay at home?" I lower my voice on the last part. Jessica opens her mouth, but no words come out right away._

"_Don't you dare fucking compare what's going on at my house, to what's going on with us" She starts to walk away and the fear of losing her settles in my stomach._

"_I love you", I shout. She stops her walking and looks back at me. A small smile plays on her lips and I know I just ended our fight. The crowd disperses and Jessica walks over to me and kisses my lips. _

"_Thank you" She wraps her arms around my neck and I put my arms around her waist. "I needed to hear that" _

_(End of Flashback)_

Ever since that day, when we would have our fights, I'd tell her I love her and everything would be fine for the time being. I know its wrong, but I figure there isn't any harm because in the end everybody is happy.

Right now I'm waiting outside of the bathroom for Jessica because she had to go before her art class. I see Amy walking in my direction and I give her a small wave. Amy and I aren't exactly friends, but over the last couple of weeks I think she's warmed up a little. The only time she seems really upset is when I'm with Jessica. Today she doesn't wave back; instead she keeps walking right on by me. I walk after her and call after her.

"Amy… Amy… Amy wait up" She stops her movements to spin around and glare at me.

"You are one selfish ass" I'm taken aback by her words. "Talk about having your cake and eating it too"

"Huh?" I'm not exactly sure what she means because honestly who doesnt eat cake if they have it.

"You have Jessica and Spencer, great packaged deal. Keep your girlfriend and your mistress"

"It's not like that"

"What is it like then? Do you even realize who you are hurting?" I hang my head in shame and she scoffs. "Spencer knows about your little love declaration, I told her this morning" My eyes almost fall out of their socket.

"I don't love Jessica" I state firmly.

"Could've fooled me", she retorts.

"Yeah… me too" I turn around to find Jessica standing there. She heard me and I urgently search for the words to explain. Behind me I hear the footsteps of what I'm sure are Amy, leaving the scene.

"Jesse" She shakes her head and I can see tears falling down her face.

"Go ahead Ashley, say something that's going to fix everything" She strides over to me and stares me down. "Tell me another lie; tell me you want me and only me. Tell me I'm your world, tell me you love me. Better yet, tell me that I matter to you more than Spencer. Come on Ashley, tell me everything I want to hear, everything you don't mean" I bite my lip and close my eyes. "No! You don't get to be hurt. You didn't just have your heart broken… I did" Her voice starts to shake and I reach for her hand, but she steps out of my reach. "You know what? I'm done with this, with you. You can keep my heart, my paintings, and every memory we've ever had because I don't want them. Our first kiss, date, and every single moment that meant everything to me" I feel my heart burn and for a second I cant breathe. I have never been dumped before because Jessica is the only person I've ever dated, but I have a feeling that is what's coming.

"I love you" At this moment I think I mean it. I don't want to lose Jessica; she's the only thing I've ever known. She chuckles in an I-cant-believe-you said-that way.

"If you only knew how much I wish you meant that" She rushes up to me and captures me in a kiss and I realize this is a goodbye kiss. Her lips suck my bottom lip and her hands pull my head more into the kiss. I remember kissing her for the first time when I was eight years old. How nervous I was at that moment. I remember a lot of things, between me and her. I feel her lips leaving mines and she leans into my ear. "You know what's funny? I can't even hate you. I love you Ashes" She backs away from me and sprints to the parking lot. I look around me before chasing after her. Aiden and Kyla are by the car kissing when I run past them. They stop and yell what's going on behind me, but I ignore them, needing to reach Jessica. The engine is revving when I get to her and she puts the car in reverse. I reach the car and bang on the window.

"I'm sorry Jessica, don't go!" I yell. She looks at me before speeding off. "I can fix this Jesse", I scream after her, but she's long gone. Aiden and Kyla come up behind me. I put my hands on my face before running them through my hair. Aiden gets in front of me and starts signing. Asking me what I did to make his sister so mad. I don't bother answering him, instead I get in my car and head to the one person I know is waiting on me.

When I get to the cliffs I race up the hiking path to see Spencer waiting. She takes one look at me and knows something is wrong. I race towards her and before she can ask what's wrong my lips are on hers. She senses my need and kisses back with equal passion. I pull back and look into confused eyes.

"Let's go back to my place" Spencer nods her head in agreement and we go back to our cars. I speed back to my house with Spencer's car right on my tail and we reach there in minutes. She gets out of her car and walks over to me. I get out of my car and kiss her before she starts to talk again. We kiss and walk towards my front door at the same time. I don't see any other cars in the driveway so I know that we are alone. The only time we break apart is to open my front door and after I do that we go back to kissing. Closing the front door with my foot, I drag Spencer up the stairs to my room. She breaks the kiss to look around when we are inside of my room.

"Nice paintings" I look around to be reminded of Jessica. This whole room is filled with her so to get her out of my head, I kiss Spencer again. We fumble our clothes off and stumble towards my bed. I hit the bed with a thud and Spencer climbs on the bed and hovers over me. "Are you sure about this?" she asks with concern. I take the time to look at Spencer and process what is going on. I'm about to have sex with Spencer Carlin. I'm no longer thinking about Jessica, I'm concentrating on this beautiful mystery above me. Her bright blue eyes have darkened a few shades and her breaths are hard. I come to the conclusion that Spencer really does care about me. She could possibly love me and I might have a future with her.

"You're so much better then you know" She smiles an actual smile at my declaration. I lean up and we make eye contact. She closes the gap between our lips and pushes me lightly down on the bed. When her lips leave mines they go to my neck. I gasp when her knee accidently slips and rubs against my center. She pulls apart with an evil smirk and now I don't think it was an accident. I run my hands over her chest and she leans back into my neck. Her tongue licks my neck before the sucking ensues. I feel that familiar knee against me again and I try to make more contact with it. There is a chorus of heavy pants and I want more every second. Having sex with Spencer is nothing like having sex with Jessica. With Jessica everything is playful and not so serious, but with Spencer, it feels like the world is about the end and this is the last thing we will ever do. She does things to me that cause reactions I didn't know I had. Every sense is heightened and I'm fully conscious of all her movements. Her mouth leaves my neck and returns to my lips. Spencer's hands run themselves over my bare body and I shudder from the touch. I take charge and flip us over and she is shocked at my switching, but a smile is still present on her lips. She places her hands on my neck and pulls me into another kiss. Her tongue slides across my bottom lip and I graciously accept her request for entry. The kisses get more impassioned and I feel the heat between us. She flips us again so she is once again on top, without breaking our kiss. I do not try to fix it because I find it attractive how possessive she is of her position. Spencer pulls away from our kiss and pecks my lips before heading down. She pecks my neck and my chest as her hands run up my body. Her tongue runs down my stomach and right to where I need her most.

/

A few hours and hummed hallelujahs later, Spencer and I are lying underneath my covers together. I tangle myself into her so basically she is stuck in her spot. She plays with my hair and I'm lying on her chest listening to her heart beat.

"Find anything?" she jokingly whispers.

"Shh" I respond. I hear the beating, letting me know that this isn't a dream and Spencer really is lying in my bed, with me. "I like it, the beating"

"Me too, lets me know I'm alive" I look up to her and she is smirking.

"Did you know your heart is talking to me?" Spencer rolls her eyes and chuckles.

"What is it saying?"

"That it only beats like this when I'm around"

"Beats like what?"

"Fast" I whisper.

"Leave it to my heart to rat me out" I laugh softly at her comment. "Its dark outside" I look towards the window to see that she is right.

"We've been busy"

"That we have" Silence overtakes us, but it is fine by me. I enjoy Spencer's wondering fingers and her fast heartbeat. Spencer starts to hum softly and I try to figure out the song. She must have read my mind because she starts to sing it softly. "Been up all night staring at you, wondering what's on your mind. I've been this way with so many before, but this feels like the first time. You want the sunrise, to go back to bed, I want to make you laugh" I turn my head to watch her as she sings, I love her voice. "Mess up my bed with me, kick off the covers, I'm waiting. Every word you say, I think I should write down" She caresses my face and my eyes close from contact. "I don't want to forget come daylight. Happy to lay here, just happy to be here, I'm happy to know you. Play me a song, your newest one, please leave your taste on my tongue. Paperweight on my back, cover me like a blanket. Mess up my bed with me, kick off the covers, I'm waiting" Her voice is soothing, like listening to the ocean and it is slowly luring me into sleep. "Every word you say, I think I should write down, don't want to forget come daylight. And no need to worry, that's wasting time and no need to wonder what's been on my mind. It's you, it's you. Every word you say I think I should write down, don't want to forget come daylight. I give up, I let you win, you win cause I'm not counting. You made it back to sleep again, wonder what you're dreaming" She stops singing and I am almost asleep when I hear someone banging on my door. I groan and Spencer chuckles.

"There is nothing funny about somebody ruining this moment" She takes her hand and pretends to zip her mouth shut. I get off of her and look for something to wear. A pair of boxers and a wife beater is my final choice. The knocking gets louder and I rush out of my room, making sure to close the door behind me. Kyla is already heading down the stairs and I wonder when she got home and if she heard me and Spencer. I follow behind her and she opens the front door to a broken Aiden. He walks inside and I sign to him, asking him what's wrong and he opens his mouth, about to speak his first words in years.

"Jesse's dead" The words don't sink in immediately, they floats in the air. I shake my head in disbelief because there is no way my Jessica, my Jesse, is dead. My chest is constricting and I am about to pass out.

"How?" That is the only word I can get out right now. Aiden's eyes are filled with tears.

"She w-w-was o-o-on her way h-h-here and… and… and, damn it" Aiden is frustrated, causing the tears to come more. "Her car crashed Ashley. M-m-my sister's dead, she's gone. Oh my god my sisters dead" The words seem as if they are just hitting him now that he is telling me. He leans against the wall by the door and falls down it. I want to comfort him, but I still can't believe it. Kyla takes a seat next to Aiden and holds him during his breakdown. That's when it really strikes me; Jessica will never hold me again. I run upstairs to seek solace in Spencer, only to find my bed empty. I see a note on the bed with the word Ashley on top. When I open it there is only one word present… goodbye. I throw the note and hear Aiden behind me.

"Was that Spencer that just left?" he asks.

"Aiden" I whisper guiltily. He shakes his head and runs out of the house. "Aiden!" I call after him. When I hear the door slam I rush to find my phone to see if I can call Jessica. Maybe Aiden got it wrong and she is just hurt. I find my phone in my discarded jeans and I turn it on to see I have one voice mail. I call my voicemail and hear Jessica's voice.

"Hey… I guess you're busy so I'll try to make it short. I'm sorry Ashley, you're right… maybe we can work this out. We belong together; I believe this with everything I have in me. Hey if you don't like my driving go around buddy!" I smile at her yelling at a rude driver. "Sorry about that, so yeah I'm heading over right now, so we can talk. I really love you Ashes and I made a huge mistake just giving up on us today. Couples fight, just like you said, I guess I'm just not use to us fighting. Well I think your answer machine is going to cut me off so I'll wrap this up. I love you and I hope one day you feel the same about me. Ashley Davies I want to marry you because you're right Jessica Davies sounds better then Jessica Dennison, Bye Ashes" The phone hangs up and I drop my cell to the floor. Anger takes over my body and I start to throw everything in my room. My guitar flies across the room and drawers fall on the floor. I throw things until I become exhausted and I sit on the floor. I see Kyla in my doorway and she stares at me in pity.

"She still wanted to marry me Kyla" I speak softly. Kyla rushes over to me and I let everything out. The tears keep coming and I grip Kyla for dear life as she whispers that it's going to be alright in my ear. A couple of tears hit my arm and I know Kyla is crying too. Thoughts and memories of Jessica are plaguing me, but there is one thing she said that keeps repeating in my head.

"_You promise you'll protect me Ashes?"_


	23. Chapter 23

Thanks for all the comments and here is the next chapter.

Tiniest Notion

I remember how I cried for days when my dad died, how it seemed like nothing would ever hurt as bad as losing him. Everybody kept saying that that pain would fade and everything would be okay, Jessica use to tell me that. I only believed that because I had Jessica, my rock. This time I don't believe that I'll be okay. No matter how many times Kyla whispers it in my ear; the thoughts in my head are contradicting her. I can't stop my tears, I tried hours ago, but they keep coming. Kyla is being a better sister then I've ever been to her. She's been lying on the floor with me the whole night.

"Ashley, Ashley, let's get you to bed okay? You can't sleep on this floor" Kyla coos. I hear what she is saying, but the words aren't processing. Kyla must know this because she takes initiative and helps me into the bed. "Where do you keep your clothes?" I don't say anything, but I watch as she searches my drawers. She pulls out a Vote for Pedro shirt and some boxers before walking towards me.

"That's Jesse's shirt" My voice is cracked, but she still hears me. She goes to put the shirt back and brings back a camouflage wifebeater. Kyla dresses me and tucks me under the covers. She heads to the window to close it, but I stop her. "Leave it open." She nods thoughtfully and starts to walk out of my room. "Stay with me… please" She shakes her head and moves towards the bed, carefully positioning herself behind me. "How did Aiden know Spencer was here?"

"We saw her leaving from the backyard and getting into her car. He asked me who she was and I said Spencer, I'm sorry"

"It's fine, but how did you…"

"I heard you say it when I came up the stairs" Hearing her say that causes me to cry harder. "Shh, its okay… it's okay"

"No it's not, Aiden hates me, Spencer left me, I cheated on Jesse, and Jesse's dead. That hurts more then anything, what am I suppose to do without her?" I continue crying and Kyla rubs my shoulders.

"I can't guarantee everything will be fine sis, but I can promise you that I will be right here. I'm not going anywhere Ashley" I turn my body around to look at Kyla.

"I love you, you know that right? Even though we've had our problems, you are my sister and I care about you" Kyla tears up and I receive a shocking hug.

"I love you too"

/

_I wake up in a cold sweat and search my room. It's dark and I see a figure come over and sit next to me on the bed._

_"Shh it's fine, you were just having a bad dream" The figure leans forward and the light from the moon is shinned on her._

_"Jesse?" She smiles at me, her teeth shinning brightly._

_"Hey Ashes" I lurch forward and grab a hold of her tightly. She embraces me and I shed tears on her shoulder blade. "Ashes it's fine, everything is okay. Are you okay?"_

_"I'm so much better now"_

_"That's good to hear, I hate to see you sad. I've only seen you upset like this when your dad passed" She runs her hands through my hair and I relax in her touch._

_"Jesse I have to tell you something"_

_"Well then tell me" I take hold of both her hands._

_"I'm so sorry about everything, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" She pecks my lips to cease my rambling._

_"You can't Ashes" I look at her with a confused expression on my face. "This is a dream Ashes. Don't you understand I'm dead?"_

Just like that I am brought to the waking world. The sun is shinning and Kyla is nowhere in site. I look over at the clock and see that it is eight a.m. I'm late for school. There is a debate going on in my head, if I should go or not. I make the decision to go to school, just to get out of this room of memories. When I look around my room the evidence of my breakdown last night isn't there anymore. I figure Kyla cleaned it up and store it in my memory to thank her later. About half an hour later I walk downstairs to see my mother sitting at the table. I walk past her and head for the door.

"Ashley, honey, I'm sorry about Jessica" I stop dead in my tracks, but I don't turn around. "I know you may feel hurt, but…" I spin around and stare at her incredulously.

"You didn't even like her mother, don't you dare try to feed me some crap about caring" I storm out of the house before she can get another word in. She yells after me, but I'm already in my car heading to school. The drive there is nerve-wracking and I go out of my way to avoid the street I know Jessica took to my house. I'm not prepared to see the crash site. It takes longer then usual, but I finally get to school and park in my usual spot. I go to the office to get a late slip and I'm confronted by a sea of sad faces. I walk up to the lady at the front desk and lean on the counter. "I'm here to get a tardy slip" She shakes her head and places her hands on top of mines.

"You're excused today sweetie", she soothes. "I'm so sorry about your little friend. She was such a dear, always came in here with a smile on her face" It's true, Jessica rarely had a frown on her face. She's one of those people who can't help, but be nice.

"Thank you", I whisper.

"You're welcome dear" I walk out of the office and bump into Sherry, one of the cheerleaders. I brace myself for a rude comment referring to me being a lonely lesbian, but it doesn't come.

"I'm sorry, you know, about Jessica and the hard time I gave you two" After she says those words she breezes on by me. I walk to my class and open the door as quietly as possible. It doesn't matter because everybody turns to stare at me.

"Sorry I'm late, I…" I start. The teacher shakes her head and motions for me to sit down. I see Aiden in his normal seat, but he avoids eye contact. "Aiden, I…"

"Sit down please Miss Davies" I look at the teacher and shake my head. I reach my seat and stare at the empty desk in front of me. It's weird, I still expect her to be in her seat and turn around to smile at me. I've been staring at this seat the whole class period, sometimes pretending Jessica is in the bathroom or she's late for school. The bell rings and I see Aiden bolt out of his chair, but I'm right behind him.

"Aiden" He keeps walking and doesn't look back. "Aiden, Aiden, damn it talk to me" He swivels around glares at me. "Aiden please don't be mad, I'm sorry okay. I'm so sorry, you know I would never deliberately hurt her" He stays silent. "I know you can talk Aiden, please talk to me" He gets close to me and whispers so only I can hear him.

"She died because of you, it's your fault… everything is your fault. I have nobody now, nobody. The only person who took care of me is gone. I have no mother or father and now no sister. Then to find out that you, the person who swore undying love to my sister, your best friend… cheated on her that kills Ashley"

"Aiden"

"No, you wanted to talk to me, let's talk. Let's talk about how after my dad found out he beat me, about how my last spoken words to my sister happened years ago. I never told her all the things I wanted to say. She will never ever come back and that Ashley, that right there is your fault. You didn't realize how amazing my sister was so you cheated on her with the first slut you met"

"Spencer is not a slut" I know this is the wrong time to be defending her, but I feel I have to.

"I can't believe you. Spencer wasn't there when your father died, when you cried your eyes out for weeks, Jessica was… Jesse was" He walks over to a locker and hits it, causing me to jump. Aiden comes back towards me and stares me down. "From this point on, you're dead to me. I don't ever want to speak to you again" Aiden walks away from me and leaves me behind. It takes everything in me not to scream my heart out.

Lunch comes and I'm sitting under the tree Jessica and I use to share. It has the perfect view of Aiden and Kyla, who are sitting by a nearby lunch table. I never considered before how lonely life would be if I didn't have Jessica or Aiden. My whole existence I expected them to always be there, permanent fixtures in my life. All I can do at this moment is long for the days of tag and camp outs. If this is how one day is going without them, I don't know how I'll survive the rest of my life. Aiden occasionally makes eye contact with me and I know he didn't mean what he said earlier. He isn't the type of guy to hold grudges; it's not in his nature.

"_My mom always said some people need the lies because the truth is too much for them. Aiden is one of those people."_

Jessica's words ring true and I know Aiden needs space. He can't possibly blame me for Jesse's death because that would mean I'm not the only who thinks that way. I watch as Kyla massages Aiden's back, comforting him no doubt. I feel envious and I don't know if it's because Aiden has Kyla or vice versa. My thoughts trail back to Spencer and I have so many different thoughts about her. On one hand I hate her for leaving me like that or the other I'm grateful she wasn't in my bed when Aiden came upstairs. The bell rings for lunch to end, but the principle comes out with his megaphone and stops everybody.

"Attention", Principal Campbell starts. "I'm sure you have all heard about Jessica Dennison"

"I didn't! What happened?" A random student shouts.

"She croaked" Kyle answers. The blood running through my veins heats up and I contemplate hitting him; after all there is no reason for me to be at school.

"How did she croak?" I watch as Aiden tenses up and Kyla whispers in his ear.

"She crashed"

"That's enough!" The Principal Campbell yells. "You two boys will meet me in my office. Now back to I was saying, due to the untimely demise of Jessica Dennison there will be counseling available" I scoff at this, nobody even knew her. "There will be slips given to excuse these students from missing class" This time I watch Aiden shake his head. No doubt about it there will be those students pretending to grieve, pretending they hung out with her when half of them didn't know her last name. They don't know she loved pop rocks and Fried Green Tomatoes. They don't know that even though she claims to hate the show, you can still catch her watching The Hills. They don't know that she hates pudding because of past incidents. Aiden must be thinking the same as me because I see him storm off. Kyla chases after him and they both pass a depressed looking Amy. She looks in my direction and her eyes bug out before she darts in the opposite direction. I go after her and end up slamming her into the nearby lockers.

"Leave it alone Ashley", she shouts. "Don't ask me why she left last night or anything for that matter. I'm not supposed to talk to you" I stare at her in disbelief.

"What did she mean by goodbye? Please tell me she meant a temporary goodbye, as in see you later" Amy shakes her head at me and I see a couple of tears spill.

"She left. Spencer asked our parents to watch Rowan for awhile and she left. She took all her things and left notes saying she wish she could stay"

"Where did she go?" Amy avoids my eyes and I push her into the lockers again. "Please Amy, tell me where she went"

"You can't find her; she doesn't want to be found"

"Is this because I slept with her?" Amy gives me a bewildered look and I become conscious of the fact that I just told something I shouldn't have.

"Is this before or after Jessica died?" I'm about to give her another shove when I hear a tender voice behind me. I turn around and see Miss Collins, Jessica's art teacher.

"Ashley, is it? Can I see you for a minute?" I shake my head in agreement and let go of Amy. Miss Collins leads me into her classroom and over to a section with a two easels. "Jessica was going to participate in an art show. She painted these pictures, she didn't get to start on the rest of hers" She takes the covers off the two pictures. I recognize one as Aiden, but it's not just any painting of him. One half of thebody is a younger Aiden dressed in jeans and a football jersey. The other half is Aiden as he is now, except he is wearing his football gear, holding a helmet. Aiden is in the middle of the football field with a smile on his face. I'm astounded at how the two pictures mix into each other so nicely.

"Wow", I whisper.

"Personally, I like her other one better" I look at the other drawing and this time the person is me. Just like Aiden's mines is comprised of a younger me and an older me. I'm sitting on steps and the younger me is holding half a guitar and an older me is holding the neck end. My curls are perfectly done and she even added music notes around me. There is no smile on my face, only a look of pure rock star mentality. "That girl was talented; she could do things with a paint brush that I've never seen before"

"Yeah", I breathe out. "She wanted to go to New York and paint there" She had told me once when we were fifteen. Her statement was followed by 'Would you go with me?' and I told her she had no other choice.

"I plan on giving Aiden his, but I wanted to know did you want yours?" Miss Collins tilts her head with her question and it reminds me of a certain blond. I do not speak words, I just nod my head and she hands the painting over. When I leave the classroom I see Amy standing outside of it.

"If you go to the cliffs now… you can see her before she leaves" Amy shakes her head and leaves me with the information. I walk around and try to make a decision on what I want to do. When I find myself in front of my car, I realize the decision has been made for me. I place the painting carefully in the back seat and speed off to the cliffs.

Spencer is where Amy said she would be when I get there. She is at the top of the hiking path and I charge after her. Before I know it I push Spencer to the floor and she lands with a thud. She dusts herself off and tries to get up, but I push her again.

"Where thefuck did you go last night? Do you have any fucking clue what happened? Jessica died and I fucking needed you, I still need you. Now I hear this bullshit about you leaving and maybe not coming back?" She stands up, but this time I swing at her and the force of my blow causes her to fall again. I'm never one for violence, but I'm just so pissed that I can't think clearly. It doesn't register that I just hit Spencer Carlin, my mystery beauty. She's stronger then she looks because she just gets right back up. I get ready to hit her again, but she stops my hand and places them on my sides.

"Is that out of your system?" she calmly states.

"I hate you" My words don't put her off; she merely rolls her eyes at them. "Aiden hates me, Jessica is dead, and it's your fault" Once again her face doesn't change. "Tell me, what's your damn secret?" I know I just got off topic, but I might as well put it all out there.

"You're only mad because of what happened. Attack me and Amy all you want, but its not going to solve anything"

"What would you know about this? Just because some girl went missing because you two had an argument doesn't mean you know about this. You have no idea what it's like to be to blame for someone's death"

"It's not your fault Davies"

"Screw you", I spit out. This time Spencer yanks both of my arms and drags me to her car and shoves me in. At this point I'm thinking I pushed my luck and now she is going to kill me. I think some part of me would be grateful if she did. Spencer gets in the car and drives off, back into the city area. About an hour later we are in front of a hospital and Spencer gets out of the car. I wait on my side until she opens my door and pulls me out. I stumble as she pulls me into the hospital and past confused doctors and nurses. We go up some stairs until we reach a patient ward. I'm still lagging behind Spencer until she stops at a window into a patient's room.

"There" She points inside. I look through the glass and see a Latina girl lying down with tubes connected to her. She is beautiful, with bangs descending down her forehead. She looks peaceful, which adds to her obvious beauty.

"Who is she?" I sigh. I gaze at Spencer and she too is admiring this beauty.

"Her name is Carmen; she's my fiancée and Rowan's sister"

"What's wrong with her?" I question. Spencer never looks away from this girl, but still answers.

"She's in a coma, nonresponsive" Her voice doesn't waver when she speaks. I stay silent, waiting for more information. "I've loved Carmen since the first moment I saw her. As cliché as it sounds, she captured my soul with once glance. She was a painter, a brilliant one. My parents recognized her talent and gave her our annual scholarship. I was fourteen at the time and she was seventeen, way too old for me, but I didn't care. We weren't romantic at the time, she only acknowledged me as some stuck up girl with money at her fingertips. I made many advances at her, but she didn't pay them any mind. At first I figured she must not be gay, but then I saw her at a local gay club that would let me in because I was a Carlin so my age didn't matter. She explained I wasn't her type and I asked her what her type was" Spencer appears to be having a flashback. "She didn't answer me; she left me standing alone at that club. Carmen left for Paris the next year and my heart ached for months. She would come to only one family dinner that year, which was fine by my parents. That day she attended dinner, I made sure to look my best. I wanted her to realize I had grown in a year and that I'm the one for her. She showed up and started talking about Cindy, some other girl in her art class. I stormed off in the middle of her story and she chased after me" Spencer smiles a smile that I have never seen. I assume this is a smile only Carmen gets, that I'm just a bystander to. "I got my first kiss that night, in the mist of my tears, she kissed me. She told me Cindy was no comparison to me and that maybe when I was older we could be together. I asked her is that what her type was? Older? She grinned and shook her head confirming my suspicion" Spencer glances towards me then goes back to admiring Carmen. "That year Carmen's parents died and she was left with Rowan. She hated the thought of him being in a foster home. She moved in with my family with Rowan and I couldn't have been happier, not at her parents' death, but at the fact she would be living with me in a sense. My Carmen was finally with me and we could be together right? We didn't end up dating at the time. She told me she needed someone older now that she had Rowan, someone more stable. What could be more stable then a girl from money? She told me that's not what she meant. This made me heated and I started acting out. I did worst in school and I treated everyone like crap. My temper was appalling and I had countless physical interactions. I also got more involved in drugs, burning up my parents' money on temporary pleasures. This went on for a year until Carmen stepped in. She found me doing drugs in my room and went off on me. Telling me I was ungrateful and a brat and no one could stand me. She told me I disappointed her and I was breaking her heart. Then she kissed me and I was so thrown off. She said she was sorry for putting us off, but I needed to change if I wanted us to happen"

"I'm guessing you changed", I interrupt. Spencer smirks and chuckles a little.

"Yes I did, the next day I talked to my family and they put me in rehab. Carmen and Rowan visited me on every visitor's day. When I got out she was the one that picked me up. We must have kissed for hours, just happy to be together. I told my family about me and Carmen and they said they already knew. The fact that I was gay didn't even cause them to blink an eye. They loved me regardless and having Carmen was a bonus" She places her hands on the glass and her fingers trace Carmen's outline. "The first time we had sex was completely unplanned. She was painting a portrait of me and I moved my head, frustrating her. She threw her brush at me and I threw a bucket of paint on her. This continued until we were lying on the floor laughing our asses off. I stared at her and things got serious, she kissed me. Things became more heated and before I knew it I was having my first time. She guided me the whole time and even though it wasn't the most romantic place or setting, it still felt like it was. To this day, I can't look at paints without thinking about that moment. Two years later I proposed to her and she accepted, my heart had never felt happiness like that before" I think its endearing how she speaks of Carmen with pure adoration. She speaks as if this girl is the light at the end of her tunnel, her sunshine, her moon, her everything. I find myself becoming jealous for countless reasons, one mainly being because I wanted her to speak of me like that.

"So how did the coma happen?"

"No couple stays happy forever, you know?" I think this question is rhetorical so I don't say anything. "We moved in together the day after my proposal. We thought things would be wonderful, but that's a common mistake people make. We started to fight a lot, mainly because of jealousy on both of our ends. I still had anger issues so that didn't help our situation. One day I was in the tabloids, some lie about me sleeping with this supermodel. Carmen was so angry when I got home. She was in her room throwing things into suitcases" For a minute I feel like I'm watching the scene unfold. "I barged into her room and she kept saying she couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't the girl she fell in love with, I was some monster. I threw her suitcase against the wall and everything fell out. She was terrified and I felt angrier because this was my fiancée, she's not supposed to be afraid of me. Carmen walked out of her room and I followed her until we reached the stairs. She was halfway down when I pushed her against the wall. That's when she struggled to get free, but I was too livid to mind my actions" I watch her face visibly grimace and I know what happened. "I hit her, can you believe that? I hit my love. She looked shocked and then she slapped me and ran downstairs. I ran after her and dragged her away from the door, she screamed the whole way to our living room. I grabbed her shoulders and shook her, yelling that she couldn't leave me, I wouldn't have it. She pushed me so I backhanded her and she fell… hitting our living room table on the way down" I don't know why, but I move away from Spencer upon hearing this. "There was so much blood; I thought I had killed her. I panicked and called my mother. She came over and we took Carmen to the hospital, I was arrested an hour later. Parents all have the same reaction when their child is in trouble; they all want to protect them. My parents were no different; they bailed me out and sent me to Europe. They pulled a couple of strings to keep it out of the news, they spent thousands of dollars making sure I wouldn't serve any time and no one would know a thing. They hired a high powered attorney and he told me to say Carmen slipped on a rug. With the help from my parent's money everybody believed me. She was pronounced brain dead last year and I took custody over Rowan, which was also done by the same attorney. He knew what I did, but for some reason he didn't blame me. I wish he would, I wish he would scream and shout and hate me. After all, I killed his sister didn't I? Since she has no family left my parents had the decision to keep her on life support. They wanted to take her off, saying she wouldn't come back, but I can't have that. I begged them to keep her on support, telling them I would pay any cost and they agreed. Everyone in my family slowly changed around me, being sure to be extra kind… except Glen. He told me flat out that I should have served time and mommy and daddy's money wouldn't help next time. Deep down I appreciated him for that, that he didn't put a smile on his face and pretend I wasn't at fault. There became this unspoken pact that I would stay away from anybody who wasn't family. I haven't made any human contact, besides my family, since then… until you" She gazes at me and my heart aches for her. "Every morning I hate myself and I consider ending it all… every morning. I try to find other people to blame, but in the end it's just me. So I know a little something about fault. I know that you, like me, blame yourself. The only difference is you didn't do anything. Yes, it is tragic that she died and yes, us sleeping together made it that much worst" She walks over to me and cups my face. "But don't you dare blame yourself or anybody else"

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because I won't be able to tell you later" Spencer eyes bores into mines.

"So you are leaving" Spencer kisses my forehead and hands me her keys.

"Keep the car, there is a limo waiting outside to take me to the airport. I don't think I'll be back"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Drive to your car with mines"

"That's not what I mean"

"I know what you mean, you know the story. You've seen my outburst; I'm no good for you. Don't worry though because Aiden won't be mad forever. He loves you too much and you two are all you got"

"How did you know?" Spencer chuckles and shakes her head.

"It's impossible to surprise me remember?" she jokes. "Goodbye Ashley Davies" Spencer walks away from me and disappears down the corridor. I turn back and walk up closer to Carmen's window. For the longest time I just stand there and watch her. I wonder what if she was awake would she blame Spencer. She doesn't seem like that type from what Spencer told me. After awhile I decide to leave and drive Spencer's car back to the cliffs. While driving I look inside her dashboard, but her whole car is wiped clean of any existence of Spencer. Its weird driving her car back and I take a detour to her mother's coffee shop, this time my visit is during her hours. I walk in to see only a few other people there. Glen is pouring somebody's coffee and Madison is taking a couples' order. I walk over to the booth Spencer had shared with me before and take a seat.

"You look lost" I look up to the voice to find Clay's girlfriend Chelsea. She, like the others is in an apron and her hair is done up and she has a pen behind her ear. She is wearing a yellow tank top which goes perfectly with her skin.

"I know where I am" I reply wearily.

"Not what I meant" She takes a seat on the other side of the table facing me. "Tell me about it"

"You don't even know me that well" I watch as she beams and sets her hands on the table.

"I've been watching you at our family gatherings. I've seen how you are around Spencer and I've gathered that you are a sweet girl with good intentions, who ends up in bad situations. Spencer talks about you all the time" I raise my eyebrows at her in disbelief at Spencer talking a lot. "She only talks that much when she's around me. I guess I'm kind of like her best friend"

"That's nice; to have best friends… it's good"

"Maddie, can we get some coffee over here?" She points at our table.

"I don't want any coffee" I mummer.

"It always helps to talk when you're drinking something"


	24. Chapter 24

Okay this one is done in a different point of view, this may happen once in awhile.

Tiniest Notion (Amy's P.O.V.)

No one notices the invisible kid, I know this first hand. Everyone thinks that because I'm not a major player in the drama of our lives that I don't know anything. The truth is I know a hell of a lot more then I let on. Right now I'm just walking into the back entrance of my mother's shop. School was too depressing to stay, with everyone pretending to be completely heartbroken. While they have no idea what it's like for the people who actually knew Jessica. I knew her and even I know that what I'm feeling cannot compare to Ashley or Aiden's pain.

"Hey sweetie, you're out of school early." My mother greets me with a kiss on the forehead.

"I couldn't stay a second longer, it was too much" My mother nods her head, understanding my situation. I walk to the back and grab an apron before proceeding to put it on.

"Ashley is out there" I stop my movements after hearing these words.

"Why?" I say this while staring out of the small window in the kitchen and watching her from behind talk to Chelsea. She makes these wild hand gestures and I see Chelsea laugh.

"Why do you think Amy? She needs someone to talk to and we seem to be the last option." I continue to watch Ashley talk and then she starts to cry. "Spencer left you know" I close my eyes and try to fight back tears. Ever since I was able to talk Spencer was always there to listen to me. She would stay up with me for hours, hot chocolate in our laps, and just listen. She never talked much, but that has always been fine by me. Even now, when she talks even less, she still has those hot chocolate nights with me. She was the one that taught me to play piano and spoke to me the differences in music. It is because of her that I've become obsessed with acoustics. Spencer would take me into the backyard and sit me on the grass. She would speak to me the wonders of being in love and make me both dread and welcome it. Her words were few, but their meaning was powerful. I still can't believe she left and it hurts that I won't be seeing her for awhile.

"She's a coward." My voice drips with venom. My mother ignores it though and goes to cut a piece of cake.

"She's doing what she feels is right. Your sister has always been one to believe the world is a better place without her" I watch as my mother puts her hands on the counter in front of her and sigh. "I really wish she didn't think that way"

"Mom…" She hands me a piece of cheesecake.

"Give this to Ashley, tell her it's on the house and refill her cup. After you do that I want you to go home because I'm not going to have you working with a broken heart." I take the plate and go through the double doors and walk towards Ashley.

"She was mad at me for days; it took forever to get the pudding out." I know what Ashley's talking about. The pudding incident of 99' is a story Jessica told me many times. She told me about how upset she was at the fact that Ashley…

"Amy, join us, we were just talking", Chelsea offers. She is always the polite one, making sure Glen and I behave during church. Chelsea even works here everyday, even though she doesn't have to. She and Madison are both similar, always taking a motherly feel to someone younger. I'm not surprised at all with her talking to Ashley, she told me once she felt bad for the girl who had become infatuated with my sister. Ashley looks over to me and waits for my answer. I know it would be uncomfortable for her so I shake my head.

"I'm just going to go home." Chelsea looks at me with sad eyes.

"Don't mope okay?" I nod my head and start to walk away. "She left something for you, it's in your room" I perk up at the idea of Spencer leaving me a gift. Spencer is always the type to let you know that even when she leaves she's thinking of you. I am walking away when I feel a gentle grasp on my wrist. When I turn around I am faced with a regretful Ashley. She takes her hand back and rubs her neck with one hand while the other is placed in her back pocket.

"Sorry about earlier"

"It's fine, no harm done." She stands there for a couple of minutes, rocking back and forth on her heels. After a couple more minutes she opens her mouth.

"Were you there?" I'm not like Spencer, I can't read minds. I asked her how she does it one time and she said she doesn't and I need to stop watching TV. "When she painted that painting" I know which one she is talking about, it was Jessica's favorite. I remember when she painted it.

(_Flashback A Couple Weeks Ago_)

_I sit on a stool behind Jessica and watch as she skillfully outlines her portrait of what seems to be Ashley. She has been attentively painting this for the past couple of days. _

"_She doesn't deserve you, you know" She doesn't stop her movements, but her face does express amusement. _

"_How do you figure this Miss Carlin?" _

"_She doesn't seem like she's willing to do anything for you" I roll my eyes and mumble the next part "And she's screwing my sister" _

"_What was that?" She turns to look at me and I shrug my shoulders. She goes back to painting and I rock myself on the stool. "A few years ago, when I was like ten, I caught the flu. It was horrible and for days I was in so much pain. I think I cried that whole time and there was only one thing I wanted besides Ashley, who happened to stay with me the whole time. She refused to leave my side, even though my dad and her mom scolded her for it. Anyway, back to what I was saying the one thing I wanted was pickles, as strange as that seems. I told my dad, but he was my dad so he didn't have much concern and Aiden was being Aiden. Ashley on the other hand kissed my forehead and told me she would be back" I smile thinking I know where this is going. "About an hour later she comes back carrying this wagon with like twenty jars of pickles. I asked her how she got them since we weren't allowed to go past our block and the store was quite a distance away for walking. She explained how she stole Kyla's old wagon and knocked on every neighbor's door asking for pickles. She told them it was my last dying request and sure enough they gave her what they had. We spent that whole day lying in bed eating pickles" She stops and glances over to me. "To this day I can never eat a pickle again" She puts her paint brush in nearby water and stands in front of me. "So while you may think she doesn't deserve me, it is exactly the opposite"_

"_How do you know there isn't someone else out there for you?" I'm not implying myself because I do not wish to be involved with Jessica. Not saying that I'm straight or gay, I'm open to any kind of love._

"_There could be, but I don't want them. My future is right here in this painting."_

(_Flashback Ends_)

I look into Ashley's eyes and I think I see the girl Jessica always spoke so highly of, the little girl that went door to door for and hour to get her girlfriend a pickle.

"She loved you" I say those words and then I walk out the way I came in. My mother yells an "I Love You" after me and I respond appropriately. I get into my white Expedition and drive home. This car was a gift from Spencer, at first I loved it, that was until I found out I'd be paying its worth in gas. When I get home I open the door to hear my father and Rowan in the kitchen cooking.

"Do you think she's coming back?" I hear Rowan ask.

"Of course kiddo, you're her world" My father is never one to look at the bad side.

"Good because there is this girl at school named Amber and I need her advice"

"You can ask me you know"

"No offense Papa, but I'd rather get it from someone more experienced" I hear Rowan laugh and run out of the kitchen with my dad behind him. "Hi Amy" They stop when they see me.

"Sweetie", my dad starts.

"Hey dad"

"Spencer left you something in your room", he says. I run upstairs and I hear Rowan's footsteps behind me. When I reach my room I open the door and lying on a new table is a laptop. There is a webcam on top of it and a note taped to it. I open the note and read it;

_Hey lil sis, _

_I know you're upset right now, you think I abandoned you and I kind of did, but hey if you ever need me at all I'm there. I don't care if you stubbed your toe I'll be back before the whimper of pain even leaves your lips. I got you this laptop; it comes with a web cam. This way I figure we can continue our late night discussions. I can also kind of be there to help you with your piano, computers do wonders. I have to go now; I have something that needs to be done. Take care of Rowan for me, I love you Marshmallow. _

_P.S. Be on at eleven._

"She got me one too and a guitar to woo my girl" He laughs at the end of his sentence. "Her words not mine"

"Are you mad at her Row?" He walks over and takes a seat on my bed. I take a seat next to him and he bounces a little on the bed.

"For what exactly?" he questions.

"For leaving you" I reply.

"She's coming back" Rowan says it like it is the most obvious statement in the world. I watch him as he bounces on the bed again. He's wearing black shorts and a black wifebeater. His hair is made into a fauxhawk and I laugh internally at how much he tries to be like Glen and Spencer, the dark and sulky ones of the family.

"How do you know?" He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a string I have seen Spencer wear ever since Carmen was in a coma. It was the one that had Spencer's ring around it.

"I asked her for insurance", he shrugs his shoulders. "I needed to make sure that I wasn't going to lose her, that she wouldn't abandon me. It's not as if I don't love spending time with the rest of the family, it's just Spencer" I shake my head fully understanding how big of a role Spencer plays.

"Hey kiddies" Glen leans against my bedroom door.

"I'm not a kid Glen" My voice is firm and shows annoyance.

"Yeah, sure kid, Mom wanted me to come home and check on you two" He walks more into the room and over to the laptop. I watch as he reads the note then scoffs. "She always though she could buy forgiveness. Sticks her kid with her grandparents while she acts like a child" Rowan tenses up next to me, he hates when Glen talks about Spencer, but he doesn't like it when Glen is mad at him. I decide to help him out and defend my sister.

"Leave her alone, you swear you're perfect. You are just like her" Glen's face contorts in anger.

"I didn't kill anyone"

"Neither did she", I retort. Rowan starts to move uncomfortably. "But you both had drugs in common"

"Rowan go downstairs and hang with grandpa" Rowan complies and gives me a small wave before leaving.

"You have nerve talking about Spencer in front of Rowan" I stand up and walk over to Glen.

"She's not good person Amy" He says my name as if I can't hear him.

"She's better then you", I shout. "You, who have done nothing, but make sure she's miserable. You're the one that told me to make Ashley feel guilty about Jessica. I acted like an ass to her because you told me it would help Spencer. You made me believe that Spencer would be better off. Jessica is dead now Glen, she's dead. Ashley has nobody now and you convinced the one person she would have had left, that she should disappear. Then when she does what you say, you get mad. She can't win with you can she?"

"I didn't tell her to leave Rowan", Glen whispers.

"She couldn't take him" Glen looks confused at my statement. "I overheard her and Mom and Dad talking. Apparently a condition of her keeping Rowan is she doesn't go far with him without someone else with them" There is an awkward silence between us and Glen uses this to overlook my laptop.

"Did they tell you exactly what happened? The crash I mean" Glen whispers.

"No, why?" Glen looks sadly at me before shaking the visible emotion off of his face.

"I was just curious if they had suspects or something. In case someone crashed into her or caused her to crash herself" I stare unbelievably at Glen while he squirms under my gaze.

"How did you know it was a crash? I only told mom and dad when I called from school" Glen's face hardens and he starts backing out of my room.

"They told me" He says simply. Glen walks out of my room and I contemplate the idea of him knowing more then he's letting on. That thought doesn't pass and I spend most of my day thinking of Glen.

At eleven I am faithfully waiting on my laptop with hot cocoa nearby. I'm checking out the other features and silently thanking Spencer for having everything set up. My only job is to get on AOL instant messaging. I sign in and an invite pops up.

**NinjaSpence invites you to a video session.**

I accept the invitation and I'm greeted with my sister's face. She smirks at me and sits back in her chair. I can't tell where she is and I know she planned it that way. Spencer is freakishly wise; she is always steps ahead of everyone else. She's studied every culture and religion from her various trips she takes out of state. Along the way she has learned martial arts her favorite being jujutsu. I once called her a ninja because of her ability to move so quietly and unseen, which explains her screen name. She says she isn't that good, but from what I've seen she's not bad either. She explained that it takes a few years to perfect the art and she is merely a beginner. I never knew how she learned or where, but I know it happened around the time she stopped doing drugs. The rehab center said she should find something to keep her busy, so she did. Carmen, apparently, thought it was sexy and I recall many disturbing nights of them "wrestling".

"Hey sis", Spencer's voice breaks me out of my thoughts.

"Come back home", I respond without even thinking. Spencer wears a look of concern on her face.

"Did something happen? Are you okay?"

"No", I start, tears forming in my eyes. "I miss my big sister" Spencer breathes a sigh of relief and smiles warmly.

"You know I would have stayed if I could have. Right now isn't a good time though, with everything going on" I nod my head, aware of what she means.

"You're girlfriend tried to beat me up today" Spencer chuckles.

"Well she actually hit me" I laugh a bit at the idea of someone like Ashley taking on my sister. "But Amy she isn't my girlfriend"

"Yeah, but you do love her" Spencer's face becomes serious and it reminds of Glen.

"I love Carmen"

"And Carmen's gone" Spencer relaxes and takes a sip of the cocoa on the side of her.

"Tell me about your day" She's changing the subject and I know her well enough to know to leave it alone.

"I went to school, found out Jessica died, told you, mom, and dad. Ashley Davies tried to beat me up and then she was at mom's shop. Which I'm sure you know because I saw your limo outside of it when I pulled up" Spencer smirks at me. "You are such a stalker"

"How is Jessica's brother? Aiden was it" I think back to the one and only time I spoke to Aiden today.

_(Flashback Earlier Today)_

_I walk into the art room to talk to talk to Miss Collins. The whole day so far sucks and I need to go home. When I walk into the room I see Aiden sitting on a stool, staring at the portrait of him. He appears to be studying it intently and I almost walk out of the room before he speaks._

"_She was brilliant" His words shock me because like everyone else I believed he couldn't speak. Jessica never explained fully why he stopped talking so I thought it was something medical. I don't know if I should say anything yet so I keep quiet. "I'll never get to tell her that" I make a bold move and walk over to take a seat next to him. "It's weird that she's gone, I feel so empty. This morning I went downstairs and expected to see her humming while she made breakfast. There was noise coming from the kitchen so I thought it was some horrible dream. I thought it was Jess, but it turned out it was my dad. He was making a huge mess trying to cook. When he saw me I expected him to say something, anything at all, but he just ignored me" There is a huge part of me that wants so badly to hold him and tell him everything will be fine. Jessica told me how fragile he is, how much he depended on her. Ever since they were little, Jessica took care of him. "She used to cook me breakfast and sit down to eat with me. She made it feel like a full family even though it was just me and her. How am I supposed to continue without her?" He looks at me, like I have the answer to the question he's asking. I wish I did, I wish I had Spencer's words, the ones that could calm the most irrational person. Spencer would probably tell him that in the end everything would be fine. She would say it in such a poetic way that you felt like an angel was consoling you. I decide to use something I heard Spencer say to Rowan once._

"_You don't, she never leaves you. She stays in the exact same place she's always been, your heart" It sounded better when I heard Spencer say it, when I say it I sound like an after school special. It must be suffice because Aiden seems to accept my answer. "You always have Kyla and Ashley too"_

"_Ashley is a traitor" His voice is firm. I know why he thinks this; it's no secret to me that Spencer and Ashley slept together. Spencer had woken me up when she got home, telling me she made a mistake._

"_Well how long has she been this traitor?" I know this is such a parent thing to do, but it's worth a try._

"_I don't know" He shrugs for added effect._

"_How long has she been your friend?" He looks at me and then at his painting. I figure he is mulling over my words as we sit there._

"_You know the movie, Butterfly Effect?" I shake my head in a yes fashion. "You know how that guy could just read something from the past or look at a video and he would instantly be there" I repeat my earlier movement. "I wish I could do that with pictures"_

"_Which memory would you go to?" He smiles for the first time since I walked in._

"_Our day at the beach, if I could I'd just go back in time and keep repeating that day"_

"_Eventually you would get tired of it" Aiden glances at me and although his smile is gone there is still evidence of it being there in his eyes._

"_Not if it was the best day of my life" He stands up and grabs the painting and starts walking out of the room. "Don't tell anyone about me speaking please"_

_(Flashback Ends)_

"He's broken" I reply, Spencer takes another sip of her cocoa.

"Aren't we all?"


	25. Chapter 25

Tiniest Notion

What do you do when your first love dies and your other girl leaves you?Drink until you can't feel your legs. It's a shame that I'm not that type, I opt for talking to a girl I barely know instead. Most of our conversation I've either cried or talked about Jessica, right now I'm doing both.

"I didn't deserve her or Aiden" Chelsea stares sadly at me. "I cheated on my girlfriend. She was everything to me and she died thinking I didn't love her. I risked my future for some coward girl"

"Spencer really isn't that bad" I scoff at her and wiggle around in my seat.

"How did you meet Clay?" I know it's completely off topic, but I can't stand talking about everything bad in my life. Chelsea beams and I prepare myself for storytelling.

"You know about the Carlin grant? Where they send one aspiring artist to Europe?"

"Yeah"

"Well I won it one year, after…" She frowns a bit, most likely debating on telling me what I already know.

"Carmen", I finish. She shakes her head up and continues.

"Clay dropped wine on one of my favorite pieces, at my art show" I find myself holding back a giggle. "I watched him as he fumbled to hide it and then when I confronted him he practically offered to buy all my pieces. Somewhere in between his overuse of the word sorry and his flailing hands, I became interested. We made an agreement that he would take me out to dinner, in return for destroying my work. Then he would apologize profusely over strawberry cheesecake" She laughs out loud and I join in. "At the end of our first date, before the kiss, he presented me with a sculpture similar to mines, but very crappy" This does nothing to stop my laughter. "He said he wanted to try to make me a new one and if I didn't like it he could pay someone to make one. I thought it was so cute that I just had to kiss him" She sighs and leans back in her seat. "I love him so much; he's not like other guys where he stops being sweet after the first date. He continues to pursue even though he already has me. That's the thing about the Carlin kids, they're impossible to resist" I look away from Chelsea and suddenly become interested in my coffee. "But you already know that"

"Is it wrong that I'm still torn?" I speak softly. "That even though my girlfriend is dead, I still can't choose in between grieving and getting Spencer back, even though I never technically had her"

"Give yourself some time Ashley" She puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Get over one thing before you start tackling another. Spencer will be back, I swear to you, but when she comes, don't you want to be ready for her?" I slide out of the booth and Chelsea repeats my action. We stand face to face before I attack her with a hug. She holds me for a few minutes and then I pull away.

"Thanks for everything"

"No problem hun" I walk out of the diner and over to Spencer's car. I get the surprise of a lifetime when I see her car gone and my car in its place.

"How in the hell?"

"Tow truck brought your car, took Spencer's" I look behind me and see Madison. "Just trying to make life easier on you" She walks over to me and holds out her hand. I drop Spencer's keys in them and she clasps them tightly. "Do me a favor?"

"Okay" I figure I can trust her.

"Spend ten minutes in your car before driving away. I want you to just sit there, by yourself" I stare at her in confusion, but she smiles in return. "Saves you the trouble of having to pull over later" I say a thank you before walking over to my car. I get in and put the key in the ignition, but I don't turn the car or make any effort to move like I promised Madison. After five minutes of nothing happening I start to think that Madison is crazy and turn on my car. I fumble in my car for a CD and find one by the passenger's side. My eyes don't even glance at the title as I put it into the player.

_Aim, snap, fall_

_The bitter wind weaved its way_

_Through the tree so tall_

_Colors invading sight_

_I think I found my new addiction tonight_

I pull the lever on the side of my seat to let it down some. I place my hands over my face and run them up through my hair.

_The phone call_

_Left me paralyzed from the waist down_

_The pureness of it all_

Before I know it, there is a fresh batch of tears streaming down my face. I must look crazy to the outside viewer.

_And then your siren begins to sing_

Some girl who started her engine and started crying.

_I know this may be redundant_

_But I think it bares repeating_

Then again, they wouldn't know that this is Jessica's CD. The Spill Canvas was her favorite band and this CD was her favorite.

_I think I've found my better half_

_I swear I found my better half_

My car door opens and Madison leans in the opening, holding her belly.

"Carmen was my best friend", she starts. "When the doctor told us that she was brain dead and there was nothing else they could do" I'm still crying, but Madison is rubbing my leg. "When they confirmed my fear that she was gone for good, I cried. Although her body is still around, Carmen is gone this thought settled in and I kept crying until I was positive I was done. So I got in my car and drove around, intending to go home. Halfway through the drive my phone rang and I picked up my phone. It was Spencer calling and I had set my phone so when someone calls a picture pops up" She takes a brief pause. "It was a picture of Spencer and Carmen, one of the cutest ones of them I'd say"

_I think I've found my better half_

_I swear I found my better half_

"So what happened?" I manage to say though my sobs. She reaches over me and turns off the car.

"The tears came down so hard that I had to pull over" She smiles at me and wipes my tears. "I don't know if anybody told you this, but its okay. Not the situation you're in, but the way you react to it… is okay"

"Are all you Carlins this nice?" I attempt to joke.

"Only when we see someone as lost as we are" She closes the door and I turn on the car to roll down the window. Madison leans in the window and I sit up in my seat. "Go home, try to sleep, and if things seem unbearable tomorrow, ask Amy for a ride"

"I can drive myself home"

"No one said anything about your house" She reaches in and pats my shoulder before walking away.

/

About an hour later I'm walking into my house. I try to sneak in, but when I reach the stairs, long and behold, there she was. She has her head in her hands and I lean against the wall because this seems like it might take awhile.

"Your father was the love of my life", she starts. "That man was it for me, I knew it from the moment I heard him sing" I scoff and she looks up at me with unshed tears in her eyes. "I don't care if you believe me Ashley" She points to herself. "I know that I loved your father, I loved him" She shakes her head. "So I know how you feel with Jesse"

"You are not allowed to call her that", I seethe. "You don't know because you're the one who pulled dad's plug" My mother chuckles with anger.

"Do you honestly think I wanted him dead? Do you think that little of me?" She takes a pause, seemingly collecting herself. "Everyday Ashley, everyday I wish it was me instead of him. That man was an amazing husband and father. Pulling that plug was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but I had no choice. I was not going to let your father wilt away in a damn hospital that is not what he wanted"

"Spencer hasn't pulled the plug on her fiancée" I know she doesn't know who Spencer is, but I continue. "She is keeping her alive on a machine because when you love somebody you do whatever it takes to keep them around" I'm getting emotional and my cracking voice proves that.

"That's where you have it half wrong" She stands up. "Yes, when you love somebody you do whatever it takes to keep them, but you also have to know when to let go. Sometimes… you have to let go, it takes a strong person to let go of someone they love. Tell me this, is this Spencer strong?" It takes me a minute to think back on everything I know about Spencer. She's a twenty year old who spends most of her time hiding. She holds on to her brain dead fiancée which seems to cause trouble with her family. I guess Spencer wasn't the best example. "Is the way Spencer is… how you want me to be?" I picture my mother behaving like Spencer. Although, I'm sure Spencer is a great parent, I wouldn't want my mother like that. "I'm sorry angel, I'm so sorry about how I treated that poor girl. It's just her mother was my best friend and I let my anger for Abigail leaving cloud my judgment. I can't apologize enough for treating that girl so badly… for treating you so badly for loving her. I know you loved her like I loved your father. I promise to be a better parent, if you promise to let me" I gaze into my mother's eyes, somewhere in those tears I see the mother I loved before my father died.

"Don't leave me", I plead. My mother rushes to hug me and holds me, running her fingers through my hair. In the same way Jessica had done so many times to comfort me.

"Never Angel"

/

There are a lot of people I thought I would end up needing Kyla, Aiden, Spencer, and Jessica. Never in my years of living did I think I would need my mother. We've been sitting on the couch and I've been asking her questions of anything that pops to mind.

"Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? I heard that it's going to be on Thursday", she speaks softly.

"I'm not sure if I should go, Aiden hates me" My mother face contorts in bewilderment.

"Aiden is your best friend sweetie" She rubs my arm and I find myself falling asleep. "That boy could never be mad at you, plus your sister is going"

"She's Aiden's girlfriend, that's different"

"What happened to Kyle? Kyle and Kyla I thought that was cute"

"Now its Aiden and Kyla, which I have to admit is cuter" I look up at my mother who seems off in her own world.

"I knew that boy was in love with her. Ever since that day he went after Kyla's bracelet that fell in the deep end of the pool, knowing he couldn't swim in that deep yet"

"Yeah he spent the whole day in the pool, wouldn't let anyone get it" He finally got the offending jewelry around eight o clock at night. His whole body looked pruny, but Kyla thanked him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. You never saw such a big smile on a nine year old. "Mom"

"Hmm"

"I wish I was six, before all the bad stuff happened" I sit up and my mother hugs me.

"I know sweetie" We hear the front door close and Kyla walks in and freezes at the sight of us. I break apart from my mom and we both stare at Kyla.

"Does this mean we're going to be okay?" she asks. Me and my mother look at each other before looking back at Kyla.

"Yes honey" My mother starts "We're going to be fine" Kyla hugs her self and walks over to us. She hugs our mother then me and for once since Dad died we feel like a family.

/

_I'm lying in bed, staring at green eyes that are looking just as intense as ever. Both of us are lying on our sides with our hands flat under our heads. She mouths the word hi to me and I do the same back._

_"You can't stay here", she whispers. "This is a dream and soon you'll have to join the real world"_

_"The real world doesn't have you" She lets out a chuckle and shakes her head._

_"It has Spencer though" My face frowns up at the mention of the blonde._

_"This is a no Spencer zone so no talking about her. It is only me and you right now, no one else"_

_"It's your dream, if I mention her it's because you're thinking of her" She takes her hands and makes fake quotations. "In our "just us" time"_

_"Okay, okay, I'm sorry"_

_"It's fine Ashes. I'm dead remember?" My face frowns up again. "But it's not your fault, there is someone else to blame" The shock is evident on my face, but all Jessica does is strokes my cheek with her fingers. "How is life?"_

_"Horrible"_

_"Ashes", she threatens._

_"It's been a couple of days since me and mom became fixed. Your funeral is tomorrow", I murmur the last part._

_"Are you going?"_

_"Is that even a question?"_

_"I wasn't sure, you seem so wrapped up in trying to keep my alive. I wasn't sure if you were ready for the truth"_

_"They are excusing everyone who wishes to go from school tomorrow"_

_"Figures" Jessica pecks my lips and gets off of the bed. She heads over to the window and opens it._

_"Don't go" Jessica sighs to herself._

_"You know our rule Ashes" I nod knowingly. She puts her leg out of the window and sits in the opening for a minute._

_"Why do you always go out of the window?" Every time I come into this dreamland she leaves the same way. She smiles and giggles like I just told the funniest joke._

_"I always leave this way silly" She is almost out of the window when I call out her name._

_"Jesse" She pokes her head back in. "I love you" I both say and sign._

_"I love you too", she responds. She climbs out of the window and my eyes flutter open, leaving my dream world._

I check the clock and it reads nine o' clock. Jessica's funeral is at eleven. I get up and sit at the edge of my bed, my eyes look towards my window to discover it is still open. Since that night I told Kyla to leave the window open nobody has bothered to touch it.

"Hey sis" I look to my right to see Kyla in my doorway.

"Hi", I mumble.

"Aiden asked me to ride with him and his father to the funeral, but I didn't want to go if you wanted me to leave with you" Kyla is a very considerate person and that's one of the traits I admire about her.

"Go with Aiden, he needs you"

"You sure?" I shake my head up and down. Kyla walks over to me and hugs me tightly. "I'm here for you sis" I repeat my earlier motion and she walks out of the room. It becomes so quiet in my room that I can hear the wind through my window. I close my eyes and fall into another memory.

_(Flashback Three Years Ago)_

_A fourteen year old Jessica pulls a resistant me towards the Ferris wheel line. We've been here for a couple hours and the whole time she's been begging me to get on the Ferris wheel. I'm not a fan of heights so I've been telling her no, but now I'm letting her have her way. I take in her appearance and she drags me. She's wearing a jean skirt and a green tank top. I told her to take a sweater, but she said it would mess up her outfit. I chose to wear ripped jeans, a Beatles shirt, and a grey hoodie. She attracted most of the guy's attention though. Even though Jessica and I were holding hands and kissing they still saw the need to ask if she was single. I honestly believe it's her eyes, they we're piercing. If you weren't ready they would surprise you and cause all body functions to cease. _

"_How many tickets is it?" Jessica asks the attendant. He doesn't bother looking at her, he just points to a sign that reads five tickets each. I hand him ten tickets and he pulls a lever that rotates the Ferris wheel. Jessica pulls me towards the seats and sits down, but I hesitate. _

"_What's wrong?" Jessica asks with concern._

"_I don't want to die without telling my family I love them" She shakes her head and pulls me down on the seat. We get locked in and the guy pulls the same lever and before I know it we're moving._

"_Oh my god Ashes, can you believe this view?" She asks when we stop and the seats rock a little._

"_Yeah it's amazing", I say quickly. Jessica giggles and rubs my thigh._

"_Babe" _

"_Yes"_

"_How can you see the view with your eyes closed?" Her giggling continues, but even louder._

"_My eyes aren't closed; I'm just taking a very long blink." I feel her hand grab mines and her thumb rubs soothing circles on the back of my hand. _

"_Ashes…" she pleads._

"_What if I fall?"_

"_I'll catch you"_

"_What if you can't?" I hear her hum to herself, most likely thinking of an answer._

"_Then we'll both fall" I open my eyes and laugh._

"_That's sweet… in a morbid kind of way" Jessica takes my hand and pulls it behind her so my arm is around her. I take this as my cue and I pull her closer to me._

"_You were right"_

"_Hmm" I mumble._

"_I should have brought a jacket" I pull away from her and take off my sweater to hand to her. She takes it and puts it on herself before snuggling back into me. _

"_Ashley"_

_(Flashback Ends)_

I am broken out of my memory by my mother's voice. My eyes snap open and I look to my bedroom door. I take in my mother's appearance; she is wearing a black strap dress with black heels. One thing I've never been able to grasp is the idea of wearing black to a funeral. I know it's supposed to show respect or mourning, but who decided this. Who was the person that said if you didn't wear this depressing color that you didn't miss or respect the person that died? At my dad's funeral everyone was forbidden to wear all black. My father was all about celebrating life so that's what we did. His funeral was kind of like a huge goodbye party; my dad would have loved it. I wore his Purple Venom vest, the name of his band, over my black tank top and light jeans. Jessica and Aiden also sported Purple Venom vests; it was our thing to him.

"You should get ready dear" She strolls over to me and takes a seat beside me. "What are you going to wear? You have that nice black dress grandma sent you last year"

"I'm not wearing all black, Mom"

"But Ashley…"

"No" I cut her off. "That's not what she would have wanted" My mother nods her head and walks over to my closet and pulls out articles of clothing. She goes to my drawers and pulls out something else.

"She would like that", she says before leaving my room. I look at the outfit she selected and smile to myself.

/

About an hour later I'm fully dressed. I'm wearing a black tank top and the Purple Venom vest that never fit me as a child, but now fits perfectly. I chose my nicest skirt to try to dress it up. My mother is waiting patiently downstairs when I come down.

"Kyla left?" I question.

"Yes, I had to practically force her out. She felt so bad about leaving you" I saunter over to her and she puts a comforting arm around my shoulders. "Ready to go?"

"No, but it's now or never"

Funerals have the scariest silence you will ever hear. It's the type of silence that shouldn't exist because it doesn't seem humane. I can hear the grass squish under my feet as I climb up the small hill with my mother. We walk towards a group in black and a preacher near a casket. I smile to myself when I see Aiden also wearing his vest.

"Looks like you're still best friends to me", my mother whispers in my ear. I watch as Aiden fixes pictures on a stand and places Jessica's Purple Venom vest over the coffin. When I get closer I am shocked to see some of the pictures have me in them. The beach picture, their Christmas picture and a picture of Jessica and me alone is all present. Mr. Dennison is taking sips out of a hidden flask. I grimace at the idea of him being drunk. My mother walks ahead of me, but I stay back. I'm suddenly uneasy; the fear that Aiden doesn't want me here is creeping into my mind. It paralyzes me and keeps me from joining the rest of the people. I decide to stay away, but within hearing distance. There is a tree nearby so I opt to lean against it and watch.

"Welcome everyone, we gather here today to celebrate the life of Miss Jessica Dennison. She was taken from us too young and this angel will be dearly missed", the preacher starts. "She was a sweet and gentle soul, a key part of the Dennison family. Her father remembers her as his princess" I try to keep from scoffing. "I say we all thank God for the time we did get with his angel" A few sniffles can be heard from what I'm guessing is Jessica's father's side of the family. "Jessica Dennison loved her family and most importantly her girlfriend Ashley" Aiden looks behind him and our eyes meet for one second and I see my friend, who's just hurting. He looks back ahead and Kyla places a consoling hand on his shoulder. I feel someone watching me and turn to my right to see fleeing blond hair. Curiosity gets the best of me and I chase after the girl. When I catch my heart sinks a little because it isn't the blond I was hoping for.

"Hey Amy" Tears are falling down her face and she sniffs before wiping them away.

"She told me to stay away and I was, but she was my friend. I had to say goodbye, I just had to" Then she does the unexpected and leans into me. Sobs rack her body as she clings to my vest. I wrap my arms around her and just hold her, consoling her like I knew Jessica would want me to. "I'm sorry Ashley, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you two"

"Shh", I coo. I find myself whispering words of kindness into her ear. We break apart when people start passing us by. Amy mouths a thank you and walks away from me, like this moment didn't just happen. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to see Kyla. She nods her head towards Aiden who is alone standing in front of Jessica's coffin. I comprehend what she's saying and walk towards him.

"I never told you this, but you were all that I needed" I hear him talk to his sister, as he rubs his hand on the casket. "There aren't enough words to describe how grateful I am that I got you as a sister. For seventeen years I had you, you took care of me, you loved me, and you were the only family I ever needed, besides Ashley" He lets out a weak laugh. "Dad says it'll be the same as it was with mom. He said that day by day I'll forget little things. Your face, your voice, just you all together" I watch as tears slowly cascade down his cheek. "I don't want to forget you sis. I'm so afraid that one day I'll wake up and not remember you no matter how hard I try. I want to remember you as if you were still here. I've slept in your room every night just to be able to smell you. It fades though, the scent, and one day it won't be there at all. What do I do then?"

"You have your memories" I interrupt. Aiden doesn't move when I place my hand in his and link our fingers. "They give you comfort along with certain people. I guess that's probably why losing my dad didn't hurt as much as this, I had Jessica and you" Aiden lets go of my hand and walks over to the other side of the coffin.

"Mr. Dennison we have to lower the body". The groundskeeper comes out of nowhere and speaks up. Aiden nods his head and the two of us watch as they lower the body. "Are you sure you want to leave the vest?" he questions. Aiden once again shakes his head they continue to crank the lever until her coffin reaches the end of the grave. My eyes burn with tears and it takes everything in me not to jump in there with her. Aiden takes a couple of steps to a mound of dirt and grabs a handful. He goes over to the grave, looks into the hole, and drops the sand.

"I love you Jesse, I wish I would have actually spoken it" He dusts off his hands and gives me one final look before walking away. Kyla waits for him under the tree and he gives one more glance behind him, towards me. It doesn't last long as his head looks forward again. He reaches Kyla and she embraces him before they both walk off together. When they leave my sight I walk over to the same mound of dirt and take a seat on the side of her grave.

"Can I have just a few minutes?" The groundskeeper appears as if he is going to deny my request so I add, "Please?" He shakes his head and walks away. I take the dirt and sprinkle it into the grave. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to get runaway and get married remember? We were supposed to go somewhere where no one could find us, but Aiden. We were going to have a family with two kids. I was going to play my music while you painted portraits of me. It was going to be me and you forever Jesse" I sniff and my voice gets shakier. "You aren't supposed to be here. Jesse I swear I love you and I'll say it a million times if you come back. I swear I will never hurt you again and we can go back to the old us, pop rocks and all. I'll watch Fried Green Tomatoes until we wear the movie out. I'll read the book to you until the pages fall out, then I'll staple them back together and keep reading" A moment passes where I say nothing at all and I can feel the wind blowing through my hair. The groundskeeper is on his way back so I kiss my hand and place my hand on her tombstone. I trace her name on the tombstone. "There is this guy, Orlando Battista, he was an author I guess, I don't know. He once said that the greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive. I really wish that I would have told you everyday" I take a pause to collect myself before finishing. "Because in case you were wondering, you are everything to me", I quote one of her favorite Spill Canvas songs. I then proceed to get up and dust myself off. "What are they doing with the pictures?" I ask the groundskeeper.

"The boy said he wanted to leave them for a couple of days", he says with a shrug. I give a low thank you and walk back over to the parking lot. The biggest surprise is my mother's car isn't in the lot; the only car left is Amy's Expedition, with Amy leaning against it. I walk over to her and notice her face has turned a shade of red, most likely from her crying.

"I hope you don't mind, I told your mom that I'd take you home" I'm skeptic at first and she notices. "I'm sorry; you just look like you need a friend or something" When I don't say anything she speaks again. "Because I could use one myself"

"Okay", I weakly respond. She presses the unlock button on her keys and I go to the passenger side of the car. I'm not use to such big car so I have some trouble, but I do get in. Amy chuckles a little and it is similar to Spencer's laugh. She starts the car and backs out of her parking spot.

"My family is having a dinner" She says while turning the wheel to straighten out the tires. "My parents feel the family should be together and be there for me, minus Spencer. She has her own ways of being there for me" Amy drives to the exit of the parking lot and looks both ways before turning. "I was wondering if you wanted to join us even though Spencer won't be there"

"Sounds good", I mumble. I stare out the window and watch the scenery as it passes by. "Where is the blindfold?" I turn to face Amy and she looks confused.

"Ashley don't you think it's a little too early in our friendship for kinky talk?" I crack a smile for the first time all day.

"Spencer always blindfolded me" Amy appears in thought while she stares ahead.

"She probably didn't want you to know where my parents live"

"Why is that?" Amy takes a quick glance my way.

"Because she lives next door" I'm in shock at that news, but then again it seems like something Spencer would do.

"Why the blindfold though?" I see a smirk present on Amy's face.

"If you knew where she lived, what would stop you from showing up randomly to talk? This way she gets to keep some kind of boundaries"

"So why aren't you blindfolding me?"

"I'm not Spencer"


	26. Chapter 26

Sorry about the delay people, but thank you sooo much for the comments, they help alot. So here is the next post. R&R

Tiniest Notion

It's weird actually seeing the way to Amy's house, turns out it's not that far from the cliffs. I watch as she stops the car and waits for the gates of her community open and she drives in. We drive a little before we reach the house and she pulls up to the driveway. Amy gets out of the car and I do the same. I walk over to her side and lightly take hold of her elbow.

"Which house?" Amy's eyes tell me my answer when she looks at the house on the left. She walks up to her front door and I follow. The door opens without delay and there stands Paula Carlin, who is quick to take hold of Amy and hug her. Amy leans into her mother and I can tell Paula Carlin is a great mother. You can see it in the way she holds her children, in the way she hasn't judged Spencer for being gay or her mistakes, in the way she treats me. She is the image you get when you think of a kind and understanding mother.

"Honey how was it?"

"Hard", Amy responds.

"I know it was dear" Mrs. Carlin takes notice of me and holds out her other arm, signaling me to join them. "Ashley" I walk into her arms and she holds us both and rubs our heads. She pulls away after a couple of minutes and leads us into the house where we are hugged again by Mr. Carlin. I start thinking about how Mr. and Mrs. Carlin are made for each other. They share the same qualities, but still manage to be different.

"Dinner is ready, you girls go take a seat" We shake our heads and walk into the dining room I had passed a couple of times before, but never took notice of. The seating arrangement goes; Mr. and Mrs. Carlin on the ends of the tables. Glen, Madison, Chelsea and Clay sat on one side, Rowan, Amy and me on the other. All of the family greeted me with hellos and sad eyes, including Glen. Everyone starts grabbing each other's hand and I figure out that they say grace before dinner.

"Dear heavenly father we come to you today to give thanks for this wonderful meal that has been prepared for us and to ask you to watch over Jessica Dennison. Take care of her family and friends, all that were affected by her life. We ask that you also watch over Spencer, wherever she is. In Jesus name we pray, amen", Mrs. Carlin finishes. There is a collective amen from all of us and then food starts passing. I eye the lasagna and salad on the table and watch as the family passes around plates. Without any action on my part, a plate of food is in front of me and I look to my left to see a grinning Mr. Carlin.

"I'm sorry about your friend Ashley", Mr. Carlin says sympathetically.

"Actually she was my girlfriend", I correct. He smiles warmly at me.

"Sorry, I thought you and Spencer were…"

"Honey, can you pass the bread?" Mrs. Carlin interrupts and I'm grateful I don't have to explain that situation. Mr. Carlin passes me the bread and I pass it to Amy who passes it to Rowan to hands it to his grandmother. I'm confused when I see bread already on her plate, but I understand when she winks at me. Dinner is going smoothly and the Carlins talk about different things. Clay and Chelsea talk about how work is going (turns out Clay owns a business, which one? I'm not sure). Glen and Madison talk about the pregnancy and Rowan talks about his crush at school. I find myself joining in their conversations like I've known them forever. Jessica's death is still on my mind though, but that's to be expected. I'm just happy that it seems like I won't be alone, I can understand how Jessica and Amy were friends. Amy is a funny, smart, and talented girl. I've learned she can play a little guitar and right now she's talking about her favorite instrument being piano.

"I love playing, something about just pulls me in" She takes a bite of her food and swallows it before continuing to talk. I must say that the way she talks about music is enthralling. "Spencer taught me everything I know about music and playing"

"You should play something for Ashley before she leaves", Mrs. Carlin suggests.

"Yeah I'd like to hear something", I agree.

"Music room is locked", Amy responds.

"I'm sure you can unlock it", Mrs. Carlin presses.

"Not until Spencer comes back", Amy finishes. The subject is dropped straight away. We finish dinner and I offer to help with dishes.

"Don't be silly dear, you're a guest" Mr. and Mr. Carlin get up and gather everyone's plates. They leave to the kitchen and return a few minutes later.

"We should be getting home Mom, Chelsea has to wake up early", Clay announces. Clay and Chelsea stand up and Clay reaches for Chelsea's hand. They walk hand and hand to Clay's parents and hug them goodbye. On their way out they wave to the rest of us.

"Oh yeah, sweetheart we have our doctor's appointment for the baby tomorrow morning" Glen nods to his wife and then they get up. "Mom, Dad, we have to go. We have to get the doctor's tomorrow"

"Okay Maddie", Mrs. Carlin replies. They all hug and Madison tosses a goodbye to Amy and I before they both leave. Mr. and Mrs. Carlin, Amy, and I all sit at the table in silence.

"Tomorrow's the football game, am I safe in assuming Aiden isn't playing?" Mrs. Carlin asks me. Tomorrow was supposed to be a big day for Aiden. It was going to be the first time he would be on the field. His previous games mainly consisted of him making best friends with the bench.

"Mom", Amy interrupts.

"I wouldn't know Mrs. Carlin", I respond. "Aiden isn't speaking to me" I look down at the wooden dining table, but I can feel Mrs. Carlin's sympathetic eyes. She scoots her chair back and stands up from the table.

"Amy dear, can I get your help in the kitchen?" Amy nods her head and gets up from the table. When they leave the room I look up at Mr. Carlin.

"Would you like to see some family photos?" he asks. I don't understand how pictures will make me feel better, but I whisper a yes anyway. He stands up and motions with his hand for me to follow him. I scoot my chair back and follow suit. "It's just through this door", he explains as we walk down the hallway Spencer and I had our encounter in. He opens a door on his left and we walk into what I assume is their room for family memories. There is a large shelf, full of trophies, and framed photos cover every speck of wall. "As you can see, we overdo things sometimes." I shake my head in agreement as I walk slowly around the room, my fingertips lingering over the photos with Spencer in them.

"She could've been a model", I say out loud to myself. Mr. Carlin laughs and I presume he heard me.

"No, not Spencer, we tried it already"

"What happened?"

"Nothing, she flat out refused from even the suggestion. She just gave us a "no thank you" and we left it there" I spot a photo of interest across the room and saunter over to it. In the photo there was Spencer, Carmen, and another girl I've never seen before. She has dark red hair and a eyebrow piercing. You can also see her tongue piercing because of the simple fact she is sticking her tongue out in the picture.

"Who is she?" Mr. Carlin takes a look at the picture and sighs.

"That is Connor" I scrunch my face up and point again to the girl.

"Her name is Connor" I half ask and half state. Mr. Carlin shakes his head and smiles.

"Her parents really wanted a boy" I laugh and he continues to talk. "We call her CJ though, she prefers it"

"Why CJ?"

"Because she's a junior" I'm torn in between being shocked and laughing. "Her parents were so sure she was going to be a boy that they told the nurse the name beforehand because they were excited"

"So where is this CJ?" I ask. Mr. Carlin intakes his breath and runs his hand through his hair.

"Spencer pulled away from a lot of people after the incident, CJ being one of them. It broke CJ's heart, they use to always have each other's backs and then one day… poof, it disappeared. I hear things about her, with both her parents being in the entertainment industry she always seems to find attention. Spencer never talks about her anymore, but I know she hears the stories and worries" I move my hand to run my fingers over Spencer's face in the picture. "If I didn't know any better I'd think you are falling in love with my daughter" I can't deny that I feel something for my blue eyed mystery.

"Carlin kids are impossible to resist", I quote Chelsea. Mr. Carlin scrunches his face, not understanding what I mean. "How does she do it?" Mr. Carlin continues with his bemused expression and I feel the need to elaborate. "No offense Mr. Carlin"

"Call me Arthur", he interrupts me.

"Arthur", I say trying to get used to the name. "Your daughter used to do drugs, she's secretive, she lies, she pretty much killed someone" There is a hint of sorrow in his eyes as I list Spencer's flaws. "But for some reason I still think she's sweet, caring, and trustworthy. Even though her actions have proved the opposite of what I think, I can't help, but fall under her spell. I can't help falling for her and I hate myself so much because I honestly believe that if I would have stopped seeing her like originally planned, I would be holding my girlfriend right now instead of mourning her"

"I know this isn't what you want to hear, but Jessica's death was fate. Whether or not you were with Spencer had nothing to do with it. Maybe Spencer is meant to help you cope with her death"

"She's doing a great job at that" Arthur's face becomes serious and I assume I said the wrong thing.

"Are you trying to tell me that you never ran before? Or at least had the urge to?"

"Knock, knock." Amy both announces her presence and saves me from an awkward conversation. "Ashley, are you ready for me to drop you off?" I shake my head in response and start heading towards Amy.

"Thanks for keeping me company Arthur"

"No problem, it was a pleasure." He bows in an old fashion manner and I can't help the smile creeping up onto my face. I walk out of the door into the hallway with Amy and she pauses so I can walk ahead of her.

"Hey can I use your restroom?" I've been holding it since dinner and I don't think I can last another second.

"Yeah, of course" She looks around thoughtfully. "Actually our downstairs bathroom isn't working so you should probably use the one upstairs. It's the last room down the hall on the left." I speak a soft thank you to the younger Carlin and make my way to the restroom. When I reach the top of the stairs I easily spot what I'm looking for, but something else catches my eye. I spot an open door that leads to what must be Amy's room. Curiosity gets the best of me and before I know it I'm looking through her stuff. I notice an open laptop on a desk against her wall and sit down in the chair in front of it. My fingers instinctively go to the mouse and I start invading Amy's privacy even further. I can't explain why I did it, but I did and it was too late to go back. She is still logged onto her aim and I see a name that captivates me instantly.

NinjaSpence

I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I know enough to know that that is Spencer. I press random buttons and before I know it I'm greeted with Spencer on my screen.

"Is something wrong Am…?" Spencer realizes that it isn't her sister and for the first time I see Spencer in shock. I can't say that there isn't surprise present on my face. She looks amazing; her hair is in a loose pony tail and from the little I can see I notice she is in a sports bra. "Not Amy"

"Not Amy", I repeat.

"Can't say I was expecting this"

"I can't say I was either"

"Where is Amy?"

"Where are you?" She leans back in her chair and I can't deny the gasp that slips through my lips. She doesn't have any abs, but her toned stomach is doing wonders to me. The fact that the sweat from her working out is making her stomach glisten isn't helping. Spencer is no doubt perfection beautifully sculpted in human form.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you staring is rude in any country?" I slightly blush from being caught.

"So you're out of the country", she doesn't vocalize her response, but she does nod. "Where?"

"How was the funeral?"

"That is no doubt the dumbest question in the English language. I mean, how good can a funeral be? In the end the person is still dead, nothing is changed. Funerals don't' do anything when you think about it. You can't exactly say they give you closure because it takes some people years to get over someone" I take a pause in my rant to look at Spencer and I see a trace of a smirk forming.

"When I asked, how was the funeral? I meant how are you doing?"

"I miss her" I sigh.

"That is to be exp…"

"I miss you", I finish.

"Ashley, I…"

"I'm not done yet. I miss you being here for me in your own little way. I miss you touching me and whispering in my ear. I know I shouldn't be saying this because of Jessica, but I think I miss Jessica because she was my best friend and first girlfriend and that's something to miss, my first love. I miss you because I'm falling for you and you could be…"

**Video Session with NinjaSpence Has Ended**

"What just happened?" I wonder out loud.

"I was thinking the same thing" I hear Amy's voice behind me and I can tell that this is going to take a lot of explaining. "I know this, us being friends, is new, but you could help it by not going through my things"

"Amy I am so sorry"

"I know"

"I just got curious"

"I figured"

"It will never happen again"

"I'm sure" Okay maybe she isn't as mad as I thought she was. I wonder why, she did just catch me in her stuff; nevertheless she is acting nonchalant about it. "You get this free pass because you're my only friend right now. Plus I would miss Spencer too if I lost all contact so I get it. Come on; go to the bathroom so I can get you home"

It's an hour later and I'm sitting in Amy's car outside of my house. The car ride was filled with idle chit chat and a couple of laughs. Amy is almost like a mini Spencer and she is also outgoing. We are currently making plans to attend Aiden's football game. Amy says just because someone says they want you gone that doesn't mean they mean it.

"You can come over to my house after the game, spend the night if you want" I shake my head in agreement, but I continue staring out of my window. "Still expecting her to come over huh?"

"I can't help it, ever since birth we've been seeing each other everyday" I turn my head slightly to look at Amy. "I'm not sure about anything anymore"

"I think everyone is feeling that way", she responds. I get out of the car and shut the door. Amy rolls down the window so I lean my head in it. "Goodnight Ashley"

"Night Amy" I say as I walk backwards in my driveway before turning around (for fear I might fall) and going into my house. "Hey Mom" I greet my mother who is sitting on the couch drinking coffee.

"Hi honey" I walk over to her and peck her cheek before heading up the stairs. "How are you?" I hear her call out behind me.

"I'm okay", I yell back. I walk into my room and stop short in my doorway. Kyla is asleep on my bed holding a photo album. I feel a sense of happiness that my sister waited up for me as long as she could. She stirs a little and I change for bed prior to removing the photo album from Kyla's hand. As I turn the pages I notice that this is an album I've never seen before.

"It was Jessica's" I look at Kyla to see her barely awake. "Aiden said you could have it, he can't bear to look at it" Kyla scoots over and pats the empty space beside her. I lie down beside her and we look through the pages. "He is really torn up Sis, when he wasn't crying he was just sitting there. It must be hard to lose your twin, someone you came into this world with"

"Yeah, Jessica loved him so much", I add.

"She loved you too" I curl up against Kyla and close my eyes. "I should go so you can sleep" She makes a move to get up, but I quickly stop it.

"Sleep in here tonight please" Kyla murmurs an okay and we both fall asleep together.

/

I'm in a position where I find myself every night since the accident, in Jessica's arms. She is running her hand softly up and down my arm. We are lying contently on my bed like we have done so many times before, but this time seems especially different.

"I should go", she sighs. I grip her waist tighter and she giggles. "Ashes" I loosen my grip and she gets up while I sit up against my headboard.

"I'm sorry… for everything"

"I know, you've said it a million times" Jessica moves around my room looking for something.

"I feel like I haven't said it enough, like if I said it more…"

"I might come back", she finishes for me. Jessica plops down on my bed and puts her hand on my leg. "I'm sorry too, for leaving you"

"Mr. Carlin says there was nothing I could have done to save you"

"Mr. Carlin is a smart man" She gets up from the bed and walks over to me and kisses me.

"Please don't go", I plead.

"I'm already gone, this right here… it's just a dream that you will eventually wake up from"

"Please", I beg one last time.

"You know if I was here I wouldn't want this for you." She gets up and heads, for the first time, to the door of my room.

"You're not coming back are you?" Jesse shakes her head, confirming what I wish wasn't true. "I love you Jesse" I say for what very well is the last time.

"I know, I think we both know I loved you too" After she speaks these words she walks out of my door and closes it behind her.

I wake up out of my dream and Kyla stirs from my movements. She quickly gets back into her deep sleep. After I'm sure she is deep in sleep I slowly get out of the bed and walk to the window. I look out of the window and I can see an eight year old Jessica staring up to me from the bottom. She's wearing what she wore the first time she kissed me. I give her a small wave and she waves wildly before skipping off into the darkness. "Bye Jesse", I whisper as I close my window for the first time in ten years.


	27. Chapter 27

Tiniest Notion

I wake Kyla up for the first time this morning; she was too far gone in dream land to be my alarm clock. She gives me a quick hug before leaving the room to go get ready for school. I get up and look through my drawers for a shirt to wear. In the end I decide on this shirt that has a For Rent by the Hour sign on it. I go through my many pairs of jeans and settle on my blue ones with holes in them. My black and red converses complete my outfit so with clothes and shoes in hand I head to the bathroom. A good hour later I am out of the shower and ready to go to school. I bump into Kyla in the hallway and notice she is wearing her cheerleader uniform.

"What?" She questions because of my long staring contest.

"You've been so nice to me I almost forgot you were a cheerleader" I laugh when she hits my shoulder playfully. "So I was thinking… if you don't have to be there a special time to steal souls and kick kittens with the rest of your cheer friends… do you want to ride to school with me?"

"You just can't ask nicely can you?" Kyla giggles and I shrug my shoulders. "I would Sis, but I told Aiden I'd pick him up for school" I'm a little disappointed, but I try not to let it show on my face. I stick my hands in my jeans and kick at imaginary dirt and nod my hand.

"I get it; he's your boyfriend and all"

"We can do something after if…" I cut her short before she can finish.

"Actually Amy and I are planning on going to the football game then I'm spending the night at her house"

"Oh okay, that's good that you have a new friend"

"Yeah" There is a long silence between us until Kyla randomly yells.

"I have an idea!"

"Okay…" I egg her on.

"How about I drive you to school in my car and we pick up Aiden, then you can ride with Amy to her house?" I contemplate Kyla's idea, seeing the advantages.

"Sounds good to me" She smiles and claps her hands together.

"Great. Let me get my purse and my keys and we can go if you're ready?"

"Yeah I'm ready, let me just grab a few things too" I run to my room and pack a bag with enough clothes for two days. My cell phone charger catches my eye and I put it in the bag right away; I've been known to forget it. When I'm sure I have everything I take my duffle bag and head downstairs. My mother is at the kitchen table when I reach the bottom of the stairs. She sees me and holds up some cereal.

"Great way to start your day", she says half jokingly. I laugh at her attempt to be a mother.

"Normally when parents say that they have a warm breakfast on the table" My mother shrugs her should indifferently.

"Last time I cooked you left" Kyla brushes past me to kiss our mother on the cheek and heads for the door.

"I'm spending the weekend over Amy's house is that's okay with you", I half ask and half tell.

"Yeah sure sweetie, just make sure you doing that thing with the phone"

"Call?" I grin while I say it.

"Yeah, that" She shakes her head and goes back to the newspaper that is resting on the table. I keep smiling as I walk out of the door. Kyla honks the horn and I race to the car putting my bag in her trunk before getting into the back seat.

"Why aren't you sitting up front?" My sister questions me.

"Less chance of getting dirty looks from Aiden", I slump my shoulders at the idea of avoiding my best friend. Kyla starts the engine and looks at me from the rearview mirror.

"He misses you, you know"

"He doesn't act like it", I counter.

"He lost his sister Ash and as much as it hurts you I'm sure he's in different pain" She pulls out of our driveway and I take this chance to lay out in the backseat. "Jessica was all he had, plus with what happens at his house I'm sure he felt safe when she was around and now she's gone"

"I know, I know, I know", I repeat in a monotone voice. Driving to Aiden's house is a short drive considering we are on the same street. Aiden is waiting outside his house with his backpack over his shoulders, unlike me and Kyla he takes his books home everyday. He walks to the car, but pauses when he sees me in the backseat. I watch as Kyla give him a pointed look and he walks grudgingly to the car. He gets in and settles his backpack in front of his feet while Kyla starts driving.

"Hey baby", Kyla greets. Aiden signs a hello and leans in to peck her cheek. There is a faint blush on Kyla's cheek and I smile to myself at the fact that Kyla has the same reaction Aiden has had for years whenever she spoke to him. "Ashley is just riding to school with us. We're alone on the way back" Aiden nods his head and I catch his eyes in the rearview mirror. I'm the first to look away and focus on my fingers, suddenly finding my cuticles interesting. "Did you decide if you were playing?" Aiden starts signing, but I choose not to look at what he's saying. "Babe you know I'm a beginner with the signing. Can I have words please?" Aiden settles for shaking his head in a yes fashion and I wonder if he speaks when they're alone. "Will you be talking at school?" He shrugs his shoulders and I can tell this is something he isn't willing to discuss in front of me. Lucky for me we pull up into King High's parking lot. It makes me think of all the times Jessica and Aiden waited for me at my spot, our spot I guess you could say. I feel like I took all those times for granted. When the car stops I sit up and get out of the car, leaving the two lovers to talk. I walk through the sea of people who have most likely forgotten about Jessica's death by now and head to my locker. Amy is waiting in front of it with two cups of coffee in hand.

"I asked my mom if she could make some of her famous coffee to go", she starts. "That's what friends do right?" My lips turn up into a small smirk and I nod my head.

"Morning Amy"

"Good morning Ashley" I take books for my first few classes and Amy and I start walking. "What's your full name?" She asks randomly.

"Ashley Davies" I answer as we walk through the hallways. She appears to mull a thought over before talking again.

"No middle name"

"Middle names are over rated", I quip.

"Okay fair enough" She stops walking and I do too. "Amelia Carlin"

"Amelia?" I question with one eyebrow raised.

"I'm not a fan of it either" I bite my bottom lip and shake my head side to side.

"I like it, I think I'll call you that" I hold out my hand and she takes it. "Nice to meet you Amelia Carlin"

"Likewise Ashley Davies" The bell rings and I let go of Amy's hand.

"I should get to class, see you at lunch Amelia?" She tries to fight a smile and says she will. I walk the opposite way from where we were heading and walk into the classroom. Aiden and Kyla are kissing outside the classroom. I come to the conclusion that he is playing today from the fact that he changed into his football jersey. They look perfect for each other and their matching school spirit outfits only emphasizes this. I sit in my normal seat and look at Jessica's empty desk. Aiden comes in, in the middle of my staring and follows my line of eyesight. He seems like he feels bad for me at first and then he goes back to his normal blank look.

/

I'm sitting at a lunch table by myself. I make sure to sit somewhat close to Aiden and Kyla just to be near them. Amy walks over towards me holding something behind her back. I think she's trying a little hard, but then again the girl never had a friend before besides Jessica.

"I didn't know how this lunch thing works", she greets.

"Relax Amelia, we're friends it's not like dating" She laughs and takes a seat beside me, placing a bag of in n Out on the table. "But if you want to buy me In n Out every lunch I won't object"

"Slow down rockstar who said any of this was for you?" She says this as she hands me a burger and fries. "To be truthful I didn't buy it, my mom dropped it off for us"

"She does this a lot?" I ask as I take a bite out of my burger.

"Sometimes, depends on what she wakes up to" Amy picks up a fry and hangs it lazily in between her fingers. "If there is no drama then she's in a good mood"

"How can there be drama in a family that kind?" Amy's earlier smile slowly falls into a frown.

"Did you forget about my ex criminal slash druggie sister and my current druggie brother Glen?"

"He's still on drugs?" I know I seem nosey, but anyone in this same situation would pry also.

"Might be, no one just quits like that. There's that saying that old habits die hard" Amy reaches into the bag and pulls out two cans of Sprite. "Sprite" She holds out a can to me. "Or are you a 7up girl?" She laughs and I'm brought back into the memory of Spencer saying the same joke. The difference is when Spencer said it she made it sound… different.

"Sprite is fine. What was Glen like when he was my age?" Amy bites into her hamburger and chews thoughtfully.

"He was preppy, active in school; he was actually captain of his school's basketball team. Granted he got beat up at school like crazy, he was no Spencer" She takes another chunk of food into her mouth.

"Glen? He doesn't seem like the type to take that" I take a sip of my soda and watch Amy attack her burger again. That girl can really eat.

"He was a rich prep, nobody likes those. Everyone, but Spencer went to public school" She finally takes a break from eating and wipes her mouth. "At public school, as you know, kids tend to be harsher to the extremely rich or famous. Glen was rich so they hated him and made sure to show him that hate everyday. They actually injured his leg so bad that he had to give up basketball. He took up drugs immediately after and it went from the small stuff like pills to the big stuff like…" She makes a motion of injecting something into her arm. I shake my head, understanding what she's saying. "Spencer was clean by then and was with Carmen in case you were wondering. So Glen was alone, Madison was in the picture, but she took a break from him until he got clean and my parents just couldn't deal with another addict. They sent him away and he came back citing that he was clean. The rest is history really"

"Why didn't Spencer go to public school?" Even though I am interested in Glen' story I can't help, but think back to the other blond. Amy laughs and shakes her head side to side. She takes a gulp of her soda and turns her attention back to me.

"Grandpa and Grandma Carlin", she says with an eye roll. "They love Spencer more then any of us and they let it be known. It was them who really covered up Spencer's scandal and to this day they refuse to acknowledge it happened. They had her go to private school because they believe Spencer will be the next Donald Trump. Something about how she is a born leader and they will make sure that she will end up in her rightful place, next to them."

"Wow"

"That's not all; they are even picking out her future bride. Grandpa and Grandma Carlin were ecstatic about Spencer being gay. In their words "A man can only hold you down, you need a wife to take care of the household things, but still manage to make you look good in events. A woman who will make you apart of the most feared power couple" I say they are reaching for too much"

"Why Spencer though?" I throw in.

"Why not Spencer she is the perfect candidate. Clay isn't blood, even though we love him like he is, and Glen… well he married a nobody and is a screw up. These are their words not mines by the way"

"What about you?"

"They said I don't have the looks or the talent Spencer has. In their eyes I'm just like Madison or Chelsea" She looks down and I swear I hear a sniffle.

"What does Spencer say about her future?" I put a soothing hand on her shoulder.

"After Carmen's incident, she said that if they want her future, they can have it" She picks up her trash and stands up. "It's a sad thing when you stop caring about your future"

Amy's words on stuck in my head during sixth period. Why would Spencer just not care like that? She can't possibly let her grandparents decide who she ends up with. Would her grandparents find me acceptable? Why do I even care, I'm not ready for anything right now. The teacher asks us to pass out class work forward and I look down to discover that I only wrote one word.

Spencer.

The bell rings and I rush out of class to avoid being asked about my work. I've been carrying my duffle bag to every class so I wouldn't have to get it later. Amy is waiting outside of my classroom, at ease against a wall nearby.

"What kind of girls do your grandparents like?" Amy chuckles and eyes me up and down.

"My grandparents don't swing that way", she jokes.

"Seriously Amelia" Amy looks caught off guard by me saying her real name. We start walking and she rubs with back of her head with her right hand.

"You're not from the right kind of money Ashley"

"What do you mean? I'm a rock star's daughter" I ask as we walk towards her car.

"That's exactly why; in some rich people's eyes that is the lowest form of rich. Do you get what I'm saying? It's like being the janitor of the rich society" I scowl and stop walking; Amy grabs my hand and holds it. "Hey, those people are idiots"

"Those people are your grandparents"

"I stand by my statement" I let a smile slip through and I look at Amy's hand still in mines.

"We should go Amelia" I walk towards her car and she follows behind me. We get to the car and she unlocks it so we both get in. In the car ride to Amy's house I play with her iPod, her music ranging from Billie Holiday to Seether. Her musical taste is various and all over the place, but I like it. I stop when I see my dad's band on there. "You liked his music"

"Correction, I like his music. Music never dies my dear friend" We get to her driveway and I notice Spencer's car is present, but I remember that she did leave it here. Paula greets us when we walk inside the house.

"Mom shouldn't you be at the shop?" Amy asks her bubbly mother.

"Sweetie, if I wanted to work all the time, I'd be a doctor. Ashley, there are brownies in the kitchen if you want them dear. Hot out of the oven" Amy leads the way and we go into the kitchen. She hands me a plate with a brownie on it and I drop my duffle bag before accepting it. I take a bite into the chocolate treat.

"I love… these plates. Mickey Mouse plates are like gold" Amy laughs at my randomness.

"How's the brownie?"

"Eh, I'm not a brownie fan, that's one desert I can live without" Amy shrugs and we put our brownies in the trash and head out of the room. I turn back when I hear something from the trashcan.

"Ashley… noooooo love me" I hear from the trashcan.

"Amelia did you hear that?" I ask.

"Hear what?" She responds.

"Nothing" I shake my head and we head up to Amy's room. Amy pulls a key out of her pocket and unlocks her door. "Is the lock necessary?" Amy looks at me intently.

"You tell me" She opens the door and we walk in. The laptop is still on the same desk, but this time it's closed. "Put your bag in the closet" I follow her instructions and take note of her clothes in the closet. Her closet is how I pictured it would be, full of average clothes. There is nothing too special, but none the less Amy is cute in anything. She reminds me of a younger A.J. Cook, before Final Destination and all of that. Back when she was in the movie with Kristin Dunst about the five sisters. Amy would probably look more like her if she wore contacts more often, but then again the glasses add to her look. "So the game is at seven, we have time to kill"

"What's on the agenda until then?"

"Bad movie marathon? It may not sound fun, but it's the bad movies that truly make you feel good" She laughs and jumps onto her bed landing flat on her back. Amy pats the empty space next to her and I join her on the bed.

/

Three and a half hours later Amy and I are lying at opposite ends of her queen sized bed. She is leaning against the headboard while I'm at the foot of the bed. I'm lying on my back with my head hanging over the edge and staring at what seems to be one of worst movies ever.

"What the hell was in that mist? Is it an octopus?" I ask Amy. "It's like… It's like… What the… Is that all? Is it over? Did I really just sit here and watch this whole movie?" I imagine my face contorting in the most unflattering ways. "But why?" I question not really knowing what to say. "Why? Why would they do that? Why would they make this movie?" I sit up and regret it after the head rush. Amy is eating out of a bowl that we mixed popcorn and M&Ms in.

"Yeah I said the same thing", Amy replies. I move over to her side and sit next to her. She offers me the bowl and I take a handful of, what by now, must be chocolate covered popcorn. "We should be leaving soon; the game starts in about forty five minutes"

"I'm not so sure about leaving now, mist covered monsters and all", I joke. Amy giggles and puts the bowl we are eating out of, on her nightstand.

"Hmm", Amy mumbles.

"What?" I inquire.

"Its not torture", she answer.

"What isn't?"

"Being your friend", Amy says casually.

"Same here"

"I imagined whips and chains"

"I thought those were good things" Amy grins and I can't help, but have one on my face.

"We should get ready"

"For whips and chains, isn't it a little early in the friendship" Amy lightly pushes me and sticks her tongue out at me.

"Is this whole trying to be funny thing something you do a lot?" I shrug my shoulders in response. "Let's get going" I shake my head and we look for our shoes and Amy's keys before heading out. While walking to Amy's car we begin a shoving match, reverting to little kid behavior. I look over to where Spencer's car was before only to discover it now gone.

"Who moved the car?" Amy stops walking and confusion washes over her face.

"Don't know", she says. She walks over to her truck and unlocks the doors. I take this as my cue to get in. Amy pulls out of the driveway and heads for the exit gate. She opts for taking a short cut, but she never speeds. We reach our destination in a good amount of time, leaving us a chance to get snacks and good seats. Amy points to the field and I look to see Aiden and Kyla holding each other.

"They make a cute couple", Amy states the obvious.

"Yeah they do", I whisper sadly.

"They look like they make each other happy, Aiden needs that" I shake my head in agreement and eat a nacho. "Did she make you happy like that?" Amy turns her head to look at me. I can't tell if she means Jessica or Spencer, but I decide the answer was the same either way.

"Every second I was with her", I answer. The whistle blows and the people surrounding us all stand up and cheer. Amy and I slowly stand and we start clapping for Aiden. We see him kiss Kyla and run out on the field. He places his helmet on his head as he's on the way to his teammates. They all stare at him when he reaches them. I can't hear the conversation from my spot in the stands, but it doesn't seem good. The team collectively claps and gets into formation on the field. I see Aiden's number, 7, on the outside left, he has his head down and looks ready to take off. The play starts and Aiden takes off and the balls heads his way. He catches it and his teammates that appear to be blocking for him slow their pace to a jog. I'm not a football expert, but this can't be good. Sure enough, like I suspected the guys from the other team all tackle Aiden.

"What the hell they let that happen", Amy yells at the top of her lungs. I find myself yelling at the coach with the many profanities I know. "Quite a mouth on you Davies" I blush and continue my screaming at the idiot coach. Aiden gets up slowly and the team retries the same play, only to get the same result. It doesn't take a genius to realize that the team cares more about hurting Aiden then winning. A good number of people start to leave by half time, not wanting to see this cruel plan play out.

The game ends and we lost which isn't really a surprise. When the coach dismisses them the rest of the football players make sure to shoulder check Aiden on the way to the locker rooms. I watch him as he heads into the locker room last, wishing I could comfort my one time best friend. Amy tugs on my hand and starts heading down the bleachers. I follow closely behind and we stop when we reach the cheerleaders.

"Your boyfriend costs us the game", Sherry announces. The other cheerleaders agree and they all crowd around my younger sibling. This doesn't intimidate Kyla because she stands her ground with her arms folded across her chest.

"I thought you had to have some kind of brains to be on the squad, but maybe I'm wrong", Kyla says with anger evident in her voice. "My boyfriend, Aiden, did nothing. He is a better man then most of these little boys on the team" Kyla takes slow steps until she's right in Sherry's face. "You may have been too idiotic to notice, but my boyfriend was set up by his teammates. I am damn proud that he even stuck it out in the game for as long as he did"

"Face it Kyla, your little mime boy is nothing more then a let down" Amy and I watch as Sherry smirks before being pushed to the ground by Kyla. We rush to her aide when we see the other cheerleaders try to pull her off of Sherry. I push a couple of the girls off of her and Amy does the same. One of the girls tries to jump in again, but I stand in her way.

"You jump in, I jump in and I guarantee that if I get involved my foot is going to cheer its way up your ass", I threaten. It works because a few of the girls back out all together.

"Little help Ashley", Amy groans. She is struggling to keep the two girls apart; I jump in and grab Kyla while she gets Sherry.

"We're voting you out; make sure you return your pom poms", Sherry yells while fighting to get out of Amy's reach.

"I'll return them down your pretty little throat if Ashley lets go", Kyla shouts back. I start to wonder if Mom knows about Kyla's anger issues. That last comment made me a little nervous and I'm on her side. Aiden comes out just in time and when Kyla sees him she stops her ranting and raving. He walks over to us and I let Kyla go. Aiden signs "thank you" to me and I respond with "anytime". He takes Kyla's hand and they walk away, but not before Kyla flips off all of the cheerleaders. Sherry breaks free from Amy's hold and storms off with her minions. Amy shrugs at me and walks off to her car and I follow.

Amy's neighborhood is quiet when we drive to her house, benefits of living in a gated community. We pull up to her driveway and I see the last person I expected to see. Sitting Indian style on top of her car is Spencer Carlin in the flesh. It takes everything in me not to run out of the car and jump into her arms.

"She's here", Amy speaks softly.

"Yeah, she is", I whisper.

"Go… I understand" I check Amy's face for any hint of a lie and I see nothing, but an honest face. She unlocks the doors and I get out, practically jogging to Spencer's car. I reach her and she looks more gorgeous then she ever has. Her hair is blonder in some parts now and in a loose ponytail. Wherever she was must have been sunny because she has a more evident tan. Black is still in her wardrobe, but only in her pants. Her shirt is bright red and her ring shines from the string on her neck.

"I think blue is more your color" I skip saying hello knowing it isn't necessary. Spencer turns her head at the sound of my voice. When her eyes meet mine I am put into shock. Her eyes are brighter then they've ever been, dazzling me into a stupor. She doesn't give the impression of being shocked; instead she is calm just like the other times.

"Ashley Davies", she breathes. I get the unnecessary urge to wake everyone in the neighborhood and tell them that that was my name she spoke. "As I live and breathe"

"You look different", I state the obvious. She smirks and my heart beats rapidly making me realize how much I've missed her smirk.

"I'm the same, it's just the fact that you missed me that's making you think I'm different" She pats the space beside her and I waste no time in getting up there to be close to her.

"I've missed being close to you", I admit pathetically. She chuckles, at my stupidity no doubt, and places her hand on my knee. "And your laugh"

"Amy not enough Carlin for you", she jokes.

"Amy is fine, I just already had a favorite Carlin" Spencer frowns and takes her hand from my knee. "Why are you back?" Spencer sighs loudly and drags her fingers in a circle on her car. All of a sudden there are sirens and I look up to see two police cars in the distance.

"No matter what happens from this point on, it's not Amy's fault. She has nothing to do with anything" Spencer's voice is composed and low. "And neither do you" The police cars get closer and I feel an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Spencer gazes in her lap and then into my questioning eyes. "Someone has to pay for the crime" The police cars pulls up to us and Amy, Rowan, Paula, Arthur, and their neighbors all come outside to see what the noise is about. A single officer from the first car gets out and two come from the other car.

"Spencer Carlin", a male officer with a booming voice questions. Spencer looks into my eyes, but I'm in too much panic to know if she's trying to say something.

"Yes", she says coolly. The Carlin clan that was behind us is now on the side of the car, just as confused as I am.

"I'm Officer Campbell and you are under arrest for the murder of Jessica Dennison" I'm almost positive I just stopped breathing. Gasps are heard from various people as Spencer climbs down from her car. The officer snaps and points to Spencer and the other officers push her against the car and handcuff her. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law" Spencer stares at me the whole time while they frisk her. "You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one…"

"She can afford one", a teary eyed Paula interrupts.

"I know my rights", Spencer adds.

"We couldn't get you on the Garcia case, but we have you now", Officer Campbell grabs Spencer and turns her to face him. "Rich people like you make me sick and this time you're going away for life" Spencer doesn't show any emotion, she just takes it all in. "What? This girl tried to leave you too?"

"I want your badge officer, I will not have you speaking to my daughter this way", Arthur's firm voice comes into the conversation. I get off the car and stand next to Amy who has yet to say a word.

"What's a badge number going to do when your daughter's going to prison?" He sneers as he pulls Spencer away from her car and over to his patrol car. Officer Campbell opens the door, but before Spencer gets in she looks down the road at something. The Officer, losing patience with her, then shoves her into the car. The rest of the officers get in their car and the two cars then drive away. Rowan runs a few steps after then before realizing it's useless.

"We can get dressed now and make it to the station before they get anything out of her", Arthur suggest to his wife. She nods and they make their way inside with Rowan in tow. Amy stares in the same direction Spencer had just looked in and whispers the words that I know are true.

"She didn't do it" I follow her line of vision and see a suspicious looking Glen Carlin watching us. He realizes we are looking and turns the car around prior to speeding away.


	28. Chapter 28

Tiniest Notion

At eleven o clock pm the lives of everyone I know was turned upside-down; at eleven o clock pm Spencer Carlin was officially charged with murder. Mr. and Mrs. Carlin took us all down to the station and we are currently waiting. Clay, Chelsea, and a very pissed off Madison came about an hour ago. No one is saying anything to each other yet, but various questions run through my mind. The most important one being, why hasn't Spencer told the police that she was with me that night? Another one that just sneaked up on me is where is Glen? The police told us that a witness came forward and said that they saw another car chasing Jessica's down. Then they saw the car crash and the assailant got out of their car and messed around in Jessica's before speeding off. The witness managed to get the license plate before the car left and it turns out the car is in Spencer's name.

"Arthur, they can't do this to our baby. She wouldn't go this far, I mean she didn't even really know the girl", Paula rants.

"We'll figure something out honey", Arthur adds.

"We need to do something right now. That's our baby in there, our little baby girl" Paula finally cracks and falls into Arthur's arms. He holds her tight and sways with her in his arms. I look towards Clay and Chelsea, watching them do the same thing, but Clay is also holding Madison. Rowan went in search of a bathroom a little while ago and Amy… Amy has taken the quiet route. I lean back into my seat and try to process the idea of my sweet Jessica being intentionally harmed. Aiden pops into my mind and I wonder if he knows about this. My question is answered when I see the tall raven haired boy walk in through the station doors with his father in tow. They all walk up to the front desk and the secretary points them to the chairs, the same thing she did to us. Aiden takes one look at me and I see his green eyes cloud over with anger. Mr. Dennison just stares at me.

"So you get rides from the killer's family?" Aiden signs to me. Everyone else watches us even though I'm sure they don't speak sign.

"She didn't do it and you know it", I sign back. "She was with me that night, remember? The night you started the 'I Hate Ashley Davies' club" His face turns a light shade of red and his hands flailing through the air with no sign in them. He's frustrated and it shows when he turns around and throws a nearby chair. The Carlin family, although clueless to what's happening, jumps to my defense. They all crowd around me from someone I never thought I needed to be protected from. Aiden sees this and he starts signing again.

"If she didn't do it", he starts. "She's covering for the person that did and that makes her just as guilty. These people don't even know you, they aren't your family. Jessica and I were there when your real family wasn't even speaking to you. She was like your wife and I was your brother and you turned on us. You left us for some wifebeater, who put someone she claimed to love in a hospital", he finishes. I forget to sign and actually speak words.

"She didn't mean to do it, it was an accident and she's paid her dues" I hear low growls behind and I realize I let it slip that Spencer was the topic of our discussion. "You and me Aide", I go back to signing. "We're still family. I loved your sister more then life itself, she was my everything… besides you. Stop punishing me because I don't think I can take it. Stop making me tell you things that you already know because it hurts to repeat them", I slow down my rapid, anger based signing. "Stop hating me Aide… please stop hating me. It's hard enough living without her, don't make me live without my best friend… my brother too" Aiden's eyes lose their anger and appear pitiful now.

"Spencer Carlin", an officer interrupts, catching everyone's attention in the process.

"Yes" Paula answers. "How much is bail? We'll pay whatever it costs"

"It doesn't work like that ma'am" The Old Italian sounding officer responds. "She confessed to the crime and everything. There will just be a sentencing and she will no doubt get life without possibility of parole. Sad thing is, I don't think she done it, she seemed like she was covering for someone. She even told us that a…" He pauses to check his pocket for a notepad and reads the name. "Ashley Davies might try to give a false alibi, saying that they slept together that night" He takes another pause to think about something and then speaks again. "Another funny thing is she didn't seem to know much about what happened. We filled most of it in for her"

"Shouldn't that tell you something?" Amy speaks for the first time since we got here.

"Hey, the car spotted at the accident was in her name. Plus we have a witness saying they saw blonde hair and someone dressed in all black" I read the name tag on his shirt and find out his name is Dan so I have a name for the idiot. "If she says she did it then who are we to say she didn't"

"The police!" Amy yells and Clay has to calm her down.

"Don't blame me because you have a loon in your family", Dan spits back.

"Spencer is not a loon… you pig", Rowan's voice is heard from the entrance of the halfway nearby. "She didn't do this bacon breath" The young boy, reminding me of a younger Aiden, gets into the cop's face, well the closest a kid can get. Mr. Carlin tries to settle the thirteen year old down, but he's failing miserably.

"How old are you son?" Dan asks.

"Old enough to know a farm animal when I see one" Amy cuts in and grabs Rowan, dragging him outside against his will. Officer Dan turns to walk away and mumbles beneath his breath.

"I blame the parents", he adds a scuff at the end of his sentence. The tensions flair higher and I look to Aiden. He avoids my eye contact at first, but then he looks at me and I see tears rimming his eyes.

"Your daughter killed my daughter and for that I'll make sure she pays", Mr. Dennison threatens. He then looks to me and points his finger. "Of all people, I never would have figured it'd be you to cause my daughter harm" He leans in close and now only I can hear him. "When I use to hit her, she would sob your name. She said you were going to marry her and take her away. If she only could see you now… you're the scum of the earth kid, just like me" He pulls away a little before leaning back in. "At least she knew where I stood" He moves away and grabs Aiden's neck roughly previous to pulling him out of the station. I stay rooted in my spot, I hear someone asking me questions, but I'm not listening. An urge comes over me, making me look into the hallway Rowan had come out of. I glance and see Spencer Carlin in handcuffs being hauled off by officers. She is going the opposite direction, but she turns around to meet my gaze. Even the possibility of her being involved with my girlfriend's death doesn't keep my heart from aching for her. It doesn't keep my body from begging to be close to her. It doesn't keep my tears from falling for her. The sound of the doors opening attracts my attention and I see Amy and Rowan come in. They are being followed by a very tall older man with grey hair and a business suit on. Dangling on his arm is a very short and old blonde lady. She is wearing, what I deem, a very unnecessary purple dress with a mink around her neck. They stroll up to Arthur and Paula with very determined looks on their faces.

"None of this would have ever happened if you let us raise her", the obnoxious woman greets them. It doesn't take Einstein to know that these are the grandparents. "Spencer was ours; she was going to be something big and still will be when I get through. She cannot go to prison for killing this nobody, I won't stand for it" My fist clenches and I think I drew blood. Amy stands up to her grandparents and speaks.

"She wasn't a nobody she was my friend, she was Ashley's girlfriend", she defends. Grandma Carlin looks amused and dismisses Amy with the wave of her hand.

"And who is this Ashley?" Grandma Carlin questions.

"I'm Ashley and you have no right to talk about Jessica like that", I announce. I don't know where my courage came from, but I wish I had it when Mr. Dennison was here. Grandma Carlin circles me like a predator and looks me over.

"What is your business here child? This is barely a family thing", she snubs me.

"Spencer is our daughter mom", Arthur addresses the stuck up woman.

"Your daughter, yes, but Spencer is ours. She is the best thing to ever happen to us and we will not… I repeat… will not give her up. We got her out of one scandal, we can manage another" Grandpa Carlin agrees with his wife with a nod of the head. We all look to the hallway when we hear footsteps and we see Spencer, heading for the exit. "Spencer, dear", Grandma Carlin calls after Spencer. The handcuffed blonde looks at her relative. "I will not fail you, everything will happen just as we planned" I don't know if its her words or her perfume, but being next to Granma Carlin suddenly makes me physically sick. Spencer shakes her head and is dragged out of the building. As a group we all stay in one spot, not looking each other in the eye. "If one hair on her head is touched, I will destroy all of you" Grandma Carlin makes a point to move her index finger across the room.

"We're your family", Paula puts in. Both the grandparents laugh like snobs do.

"No", Grandpa Carlin speaks for the first time. "The only family I care about is the one Spencer will make. Honestly Son, can you do anything right?" He looks down on Arthur who avoids his eye contact. Feeling out of my place myself, I walk out of the station. The cool air hits my face and I attempt to take a deep breath, but it feels like something is stuck in my throat. I rush to a corner and let out the contents of my stomach. After awhile, they become dry heaves.

"It's our fault isn't it?" I hear Amy's voice and feel her gentle hands on my back. "All this pain you're experiencing, it's because of my family" I stand up straight and turn to face her.

"Amelia…"

"This is one of those situations where you were better off not knowing us" Amy takes small steps to the curb and sits down. I take a seat next to her and place a hand on her thigh. Our eyes meet and I see that she is regretting something. "I understand if you don't want to be friends" I rub my thumb softly across her thigh.

"I want us to be friends; honestly I thought we were friends awhile ago before…" I stop my hand and hang my head. Amy places her hand on top of mines and grips it. A few minutes pass and somehow my fingers end up entwined with Amy's. We don't discuss it, I guess because we both know it's about comfort and nothing else. I wonder briefly if things would have been easier if I fell in love with the younger Carlin instead or better yet, I never cheated on Jessica. I shake the thoughts from my head and lay on Amy's shoulder.

"Dollar for your thoughts?" she asks.

"I thought it was a penny", I reply.

"I'm richer then that", she jokes. I laugh at her attempt and she places her other hand on top of mines. We hear the doors open behind us and watch the Grandma and Grandpa Carlin storm out. About two minutes later the other Carlins follow. They stop when they see the position I'm in with their daughter. "Calm down everyone" Amy breathes. She glances at me before letting go of my hand. "It's not like that" I nod my head in agreement and stand up. Amy follows my lead and walks over to her parents, being hugged instantly. Chelsea pulls me aside and everyone else walks ahead.

"Remember what I said about Carlin kids?" she questions. I shake my head, remembering her warning of how easy it is to fall for them. "It applies to all of them" She wraps her arm in mine and drags me toward the rest of the group.

/

It's about four a.m. when I wake up the next morning. I've never been up this early before and I find that four a.m. is an eerie time. It's complete darkness, but at the same time it's suppose to be morning. The window in Amy's room is open and seeing that her bed is directly under her window I can look outside and see the sky. I feel the wind blow and if it wasn't for Amy's two heavy blankets I'm sure I would be cold. Amy stirs next to me and slowly cuddles next to me. We aren't supposed to be in the same bed, there is a sleeping bag on the floor with my name on it. We watched TV in her bed and unknowingly fell asleep. I would move to the sleeping bag now if it wasn't for her body being so close to mines. Sleeping with her like this reminds me of the times Jessica would crawl into my bed and we'd end our days together. I guess that's another reason I am still in Amy Carlin's bed… I miss having someone there. Kyla is okay at being there, but she's my sister. She doesn't rub my stomach in her sleep and whispers she loves me because we're siblings and it might scar me for life. Amy, however, could do these things, but I don't think our friendship will take that turn. My thoughts drift to Spencer and I wonder if she's wishing she had someone to hold her while she's in that cold cell. I wonder if she wishes it was me holding her or if she wishes for Carmen. She shouldn't be in that cell to begin with, she should be with me. We should be lying together and she should be singing me to sleep.

"_Find anything?" she jokingly whispers. _

"_Shh" I respond. I hear the beating, letting me know that this isn't a dream and Spencer really is lying in my bed, with me. "I like it, the beating"_

"_Me too, lets me know I'm alive" I look up to her and she is smirking. _

"_Did you know your heart is talking to me?" Spencer rolls her eyes and chuckles._

"_What is it saying?" _

"_That it only beats like this when I'm around" _

"_Beats like what?"_

"_Fast" I whisper. _

"_Leave it to my heart to rat me out"_

I think back to that memory and wish that the world could've ended right then, with me in Spencer's arms. It would have been too perfect though, too easy. I'm sure I'm not the only person to long for the easy route, but I doubt there is one when it comes to love. It wouldn't really be love if it was that easy, would it? Amy turns over and places her arms around me. I don't object, I just go back to sleep.

I wake up again, only this time Amy is looking me dead in the eyes. It's really weird that she's watching me, but I try to be polite.

"Morning Amelia and good morning Amelia's hand" I look down at the hand resting under my shirt. Amy blushes a deep color of red and removes her hand.

"Sorry, I just woke up and I was curious how we got into this position" She rolls far away from me and I giggle at her embarrassment. We lie like that for the rest of the day, leaving for meals and to change the movie in the DVD player. I'd like to think that after recent events, this was us taking a break from everything.

/

Weeks pass with Spencer still not home, they had a hearing and she was convicted to life without possibility of parole. It devastated everyone, but I don't think anyone held it together better then Rowan. The young boy never once showed any emotion and Amy told me how nervous that made her. She said that he was slowly becoming like Spencer when it comes to emotion, choosing to keep everything bottled up. He even stopped hanging around Glen, who had become like a ghost with his rare visits. I remember the last time I saw Glen Carlin; I was visiting Spencer in prison.

"_Spencer I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen" I hear Glen sobbing as I walk up to them. Spencer's visiting area is outside and I think the fact that she seemed to get special privileges was because she was a Carlin. The guard warned me that someone else was there, but I had lied to him and said it was my relative. I decide to stay a good distance away, but still in hearing distance. "I've been trying to think of a way to keep us both out of here. I even talked to Grandma and Grandpa if there was anyway you could get out without someone else confessing. I have to do something, I can't have you paying for my mistakes" Spencer reaches for Glen's hands and he allows her to hold them before breaking down in tears. I can't believe this was the same Glen I had been scared of at one time._

"_Glen…" Spencer speaks._

"_It's killing me inside to know you're in here when you didn't do it. Madison and I have been rocky because I'm so distant. But I can't, I can't be what she needs when I'm not right. God Spence, I'm suppose to be your older brother, I'm suppose to protect you… not the other way around"_

"_You have a wife and a kid on the way; you can't be where I am. They need you and I get that. I'm sure you would do the same thing if it were reversed", she reasons._

"_That's the thing; I don't think I would of. You were always the stronger one. Please Sis, let me fix this" Spencer shakes her head and keeps her composure even though I'm sure him calling her sis must have meant something to her. _

"_Glen I'll be fine" A loud thud is heard as Glen bangs his fist down._

"_No damn it. Tell me what to do Sis, just tell me what to do because I'm dying" He continues to weep like I've never seen and even though this should upset me because it confirms that he committed the crime… I can't help, but feel bad for the guy. "I didn't mean to hurt her I swear that was not the intention. She just freaked and I wanted her to stop… to calm down" _

"_I know you don't have to explain anything to me. Would you do me a favor as my brother?" Glen nods his head and wipes his face. _

"_Anything" is his response._

"_Tell no one, I want you to keep this secret like no other secret. Glen, I'm serious… look at me" They share a gaze. "No one" He shakes his head and then leaves in a hurry. _

I'm sure anyone with common sense would have gone to the police right then in there, but I couldn't without talking to Spencer about it. I'm planning on going later today to see her, but I have to think of something to tell Amy.

Oh Amy.

She's been great these past weeks and practically attached at my hip. We sleep over each others houses, but nothing more then a friendship is going on. Kyla loves her, she loves that someone has managed to keep me going while she keeps Aiden going. I rarely see my dark haired ex best friend; he's taken to avoiding me quite well. He was dropped from the football team; the coach said he can't risk anymore games. Now he just spends his days with Kyla, the only time they are apart is when they sleep. I even question that sometimes, suspecting that some nights he spends here. My mother has taken the protective root and makes Kyla leave her door open some nights. My mother is someone else who loves Amy and often suspects us of being a couple. I told my mother that my heart isn't ready. The Carlins have already made up their mind that something is going on, but it's really not. Amy has just been a friend to me. She gives me space when needed and unlike another Carlin she shares her feelings, dreams, and everything in between. We talk about everything and every once in awhile I thank Jessica for showing me such a wonderful person. I told my dad about everything, making the first visit in a long time. I've limited the visits now to once a week; Amy says its better that way. Currently Amy and I are lying on her hammock in her backyard. Her arm is around me and my fingers are moving in a piano fashion on her stomach.

"Did you know Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants?" Amy randomly says.

"Where did you hear this?" I ask.

"Some guy, somewhere" She shrugs her shoulders and I feel her bare feet make contact with mines. I kick her feet lightly and she takes one of mines hostage in hers. "No violence", she whines. I laugh and we start this pushing game which I'm sure is a bad idea.

"Let go of me", I both giggle and cry out. She tries to get on top to pin me, but we both end up falling off of the hammock and onto the hard cement. "Ow", I yell when we hit the ground. Amy grins at me from her position on top.

"Funny seeing you here", she kids. The moment becomes serious and I move from under her. I hear a frustrated sigh leave her lips. "I was kidding Ashley"

"I know", I reply. "I have somewhere to be, I'll see you later Amelia" She waves me off and I take off through the Carlin house and to my car. I start the engine and speed off, ignoring the speed limits on my way to my destination. Amy and I have these moments a lot lately, where things become awkward for us… well for me. She usually leaves me alone for the rest of the day, knowing I'll be back when I'm over it. It takes nearly an hour, but I get to Spencer's new home. I go through the usual routine and when I walk into the visitor's courtyard. Spencer is waiting, in her orange jumpsuit, looking beautiful as always. She looks in my direction and I give a mall wave before walking over to her. I take a seat and place my arms on the table separating us.

"Ashley Davies", she greets.

"Spencer Carlin", I counter. She smirks at me and I take it that she's happy to see me.

"To what do I owe one of your rare visits?"

"I just wanted to know how long you were planning on serving Glen's prison sentence", I get straight to the point.

"I knew that was you" The smirk is still present on her perfectly sculpted face.

"You're family is in shambles without you, Rowan is in shambles without you" Spencer leans forward and I admire how the sun catches her and makes her appear angelic.

"And you Ashley Davies? How are you without me" I cautiously move my hand on top of her.

"I'm in shambles, but I have your sister" The smirk leaves her face for a second, but she is quick to put it back up.

"How is that relationship?"

"She's a good friend", I try to ease any jealousy she might feel.

"Is that all she is?"

"For now", I say honestly. "I'm not ready to be with anyone until I know how you feel about me, until I know what's going on between us"

"Ashley"

"I can't move on until I know that it's impossible for you to love me, that I'm fighting a lost war with you" I take a deep breath in. "But I'm not here to talk about us, I'm here to know why you insist on taking on somebody else's responsibility"

"Do you think you could be happy with her?" Spencer asks randomly.

"That's not answering my question", I counter.

"Do you think you could be happy with her?" she presses.

"I think… I could. Amelia doesn't seem like she wants to hurt me"

"Amelia? I haven't heard anyone call her that in awhile" Spencer averts my eyes and finds something interesting in the wood.

"Well I like her name"

"And her", Spencer adds.

"And her", I agree. "But I don't think you would hurt me either" Spencer scoffs and takes her hands back from mines.

"Did you miss the part where I put my fiancée in a coma?"

"You didn't mean to"

"Doesn't matter around here" Spencer looks behind her and I follow her vision to see a group of women making threatening gestures to her. "They have an interesting way of greeting a girl", she jokes. "I'm not going to tell you to be with Amy because we both know I like you… a lot. I am going to tell you that the smart move would be to be with Amy, she's not in jail" Spencer waves to the guard and he comes over to get her. "Nice seeing you Ashley Davies" The guard stands next to Spencer as she gets up and he puts cuffs on her wrist and arms. "By the way you look beautiful today" I blush and the guard finishes with Spencer and gets ready to haul her off.

"Wait", I plead. The guard lets Spencer wait and I walk over to her and press my lips against hers. It wasn't passionate or anything, it was just a kiss that reminded me of the first and last night we had sex.

I left the prison with lots of thoughts on my mind, mainly Spencer and Amy. Normally whenever I have a problem I turn to my best friend, but the only friend I have at the moment is part dilemma. This is why I decided to come to the cliffs, to talk to my father. When I get there I sit down on the edge and start talking.

"Sorry about my absence Dad, things have been crazy which you probably already know. I really don't know what to do right now, I'm lost Dad" I try to keep from crying, from being weak. "I miss you and Jesse Dad"

"I miss them too" I turn around at the sound of the familiar voice and it's none other then Aiden. "It seems like tragedy follows us huh?"

"Aiden, what are you doing here?" I'm partially shocked he isn't pushing me off this ledge.

"Is it dumb that I missed my best friend?"

"No" I shake my head. "Not at all" I pat the space beside me and he takes a seat. "How did you know I was here?" Aiden laughs like I just asked the dumbest question in this world.

"You've been coming here since we were kids, since your dad died. I know you Ashes…. And I also know that you would have never intentionally hurt Jesse", he confesses. "It's just that when I found out about this Spencer and the fact that Jesse died, thinking the one person she wanted to spend her life with was cheating" I cringe at that last sentence. "It hurt, but then again I know that Jesse would have forgave you eventually because that's the way she is" Aiden mock laughs and rubs his hand across his eyes. "Was, that's the way she was" I raise my hand to comfort him, but he shakes his head so I don't. "The main thing I'm trying to say is I know this Spencer had to be pretty damn special because you loved my sister"

"More then anything", I add. Aiden puts his arm around me and I lean onto his comforting shoulder. "Promise not to leave me again Aide" He uses the hand that's not around me and holds out his pinky. I give him my pinky and we make a non verbal swear.

"So what have I missed?"

"My love triangle with Spencer and Amy"

"Juicy", he jokes and we both laugh.

"Aiden", I say.

"Yes"

"You talking kind of freaks me out", Aiden chuckles.

"Yeah, me too"


	29. Chapter 29

Tiniest Notion

(Spencer's Rare P.O.V.)

"One hundred and twelve, one hundred and thirteen, one hundred and fourteen", I whisper to myself as I count the drops of water from my sink. It's weird, I always knew I would go to jail, but not for a crime I didn't commit. The first night I came here I cursed Glen for being so dumb; I cursed myself for keeping my name on the car I gave him. After a couple of nights though, I got over it. I accepted that this was my punishment for hurting the only person who truly loved me.

Carmen.

Oh my Carmen, my beautiful fiancée, my love, my heart, and everything in between. After I took in Rowan, there were days when I wish the kid would take revenge against me. That he would smother me with a pillow and say that it was for his sister. When I realized that wasn't happening, it left me disappointed in a way. For the longest time the only thing I ever wanted to do was pay for the wrong I've done. Now I'm actually doing it, but I feel like I'm going crazy in the process. My eyelids start feeling heavy in the middle of my thoughts so I close them.

_"Let me go Spencer!"_

"You can't leave me Carmen I won't let you. You're my fiancée for Christ sakes"

"Am I really Spencer? Or am I just some prize for you to show off at those stupid functions? This is Carmen, she's an artist and I managed to screw her, high five"

-SLAP-  
  
I wake up out of the memory and sit up in my cell, appreciative that my grandparents got me a one person cell. The same thing happens every time I sleep, I dream of the fight that cost me more then anyone would know. I get off of the bed and get down into push up position (something I like to do to clear my head).

"One", I count off.

_"Oh my god baby, I love it. My very own art studio"_

"Two"

_"I'm glad Carm, I live to make you happy"_

"Three"

_"You know what would make me really happy?" Carmen walks slowly towards me and wraps her arms around my neck._

"Four"

"_What babe? I'll do anything"_

"Five"

_"I want a family, little Spencers included"_

"Six"

_"I like little Spencers", I say while pecking her lips._

"Seven"

_"Me too", she says with a smile and nodding her head. The kisses continue until we lay down on the floor._

"Eight", I shake myself out of that memory, but another one gets me.

_"Don't you walk away from me Carmen", I grab her before she reaches the bottom of the stairs._

"Nine"

_"Stop it Spencer I'm not kidding. I'm taking Rowan and we're leaving" Carmen snatches her arm away and goes down the stairs I stop her again and slap her. She slaps me back and we just stand there._

"Ten"

_"I'm so sorry baby, please don't go, I'll buy you a new ring, something bigger", I plead. She continues down the stairs and I go after her and pin her up against a wall._

"Eleven"

_"That's your problem Spencer. You go around thinking you can throw money at everyone one", she pushes me off. "Hey baby, I'm sorry about last night, here have a car", she pushes me again._

"Twelve"

_"Have a house, a studio, anything, but please don't make me talk about my feelings", she punctuates her sentence with another push and now we are in the living room._

"Thirteen"

_"Please don't make me admit how much of a jealous psycho I can be or how many times I've hurt you", her voice drips with sarcasm._

"Fourteen"

_"Spencer, you have issues. You get crazy jealous for no reason when you were the one caught in the tabloids. You only open up when you want to and it doesn't work like that baby. And you hit me in our room upstairs, you hit me again on the way down and you have nerve to ask me to stay?"_

"Fifteen"

_"God…I love you, you don't even know how much I love you"  
_  
"Sixteen"

_"But I can't do it Spencer, I can't. I'm tired… and I'm done"_

"Seventeen"

_She tries to walk away, but something comes over me and I grab her. She pushes me off and I hit her. Her head flies to the side and her hair flows as she hits the ground. _

"Eighteen"

_"Carm", I whisper as I shake her body. "Baby, come on wake up"  
_  
I get up and pace around the cell hitting the cell wall as I repeatedly approach it.

_"Don't do this to me baby, I'm sorry. You can leave if you want just please don't be dead", I kneel down next to her and run my fingers through her blood soaked hair_.

My fingers shake as I rake them through my hair, the feeling of losing my mind clouding my mind.

_"Oh god, oh god, oh god", I fumble with my cell phone as I dial the one person I know can help. They pick up and I try to hold it together. "Mom… I messed up…"_

I take a more violent approach as I start beating my head, trying to knock the memory out.

_"I'm sorry she fell into a coma", the doctor says sympathetically._

Why can't I be right? Why does screwing up come so naturally to me?

_"Carm baby, you have to wake up. We're supposed to get married, I promise to get help if you just show me those gorgeous brown eyes"_

I toss the cheap imitation mattress off of my bed and throw the cover. More thoughts of my love come to my mind and I wish there was a rope so I could end everything right now.

_"Hi, I'm Carmen", a petite brunette holds out her hand for me to shake._

Would she be better off if I didn't shake her hand?

_"I'm glad you're out of that hospital Spencerella. I don't like seeing you hurt", she says as we walk to her car._

If she hadn't picked me up that day?

_"I love you Spencer Carlin"_

If she hadn't said those words?

_"You and me forever Spencer, I love you"_

Those words.

_"I love you"_

I need something, anything at this point to keep me sane.

_"I'm Ashley"_

Ashley Davies, how could I forget about her and that face?

_"So tell me about yourself Spencer…"_

Little did she know she was my turning point. That girl stirred something in me that I was positive died a long time.

_"I love your eyes."_

The night I danced with Ashley, when I held her it may sound cheesy, but I felt static.

_"Find anything?" I jokingly whisper._

"Shh" she responds. She listens a little while longer and I love feeling her body against mines. Having her listen to my heart like it's the most important thing she's ever heard "I like it, the beating"

"Me too, lets me know I'm alive", I smirk with my comment.

"Did you know your heart is talking to me?"She looks up to me with puppy dog eyes and I try to resist asking her to stay here with me forever. Instead I roll my eyes and laugh.

"What is it saying?"

"That it only beats like this when I'm around"

I knew that was true, there were days when I thought my heart was planning its escape, it would beat so hard. My theory is my heart knows a good thing when it sees it. So whenever Ashley is around it can't help, but want to jump into her arms for her to take anywhere she pleases. I honestly didn't think I had a heart, I was fooled into thinking it was with Carmen laying in that bed, waiting to be brought back, like her.

She reminds me of what Carmen was like, believing in the good in me. But even Carmen gave up and that's what Ashley will do.

My biggest fear is what if Ashley tried to leave me? Would I hurt her too? God I hope not. Other people may think that I forgot about what I did and I don't care. The other prisoners try to jump me everyday just to 'supposedly' remind me of what I did. What they don't get is I pay everyday.

I pay every single day. I pay every time I have to look into Rowan's eyes and have to see his sister. I pay every time he flinches when I get mad even if it's not directed to him. I have to pay every time my family walks on eggshells with me. I pay when my brother makes his comments or Amy says something about who I am. I pay when I visit Carmen and never see her make a change in her status. Most of all I pay every moment I spend with Ashley. I pay every time I have to watch my touches with her. . When I grabbed her and she was actually scared of me. I want so badly to attempt some kind of relationship with her, but I can't trust myself, because there are moments when I get so pissed off with her that I want to hurt her. Those are the times when I have to take days away from her. Just even more proof that I am not good enough for her.

Amy is good for her. As much as I hate the idea of my little sister being with someone I'm falling in love with, she's healthier for Ashley. Ashley won't have to worry when they fight. She wouldn't have to pull teeth with my sister. Amy is open with people; she always says what she's feeling.

Damn it's hard trying to be selfless.


	30. Chapter 30

**Sorry about the long delay in my posting. There was alot of stuff going on in my life, mainly the whole me failing three out of five classes. I'll try to update more often because I know what direction I want the story to go in. Thanks for everyone who reviewed every chapter and to everyone else. Here is the next chapter.**

**I do not own anything but the Jesse/Amy/Rowan and the plot.**

Tiniest Notion

Aiden and I are still at the cliffs, we haven't made much of an effort to leave. It's been awhile since we've been together so we're just taking this time to enjoy it. We've been talking mostly about Amy and how confused I am, but I'm ready for a change of topic.

"So have you always been talking? Or was the first time the night Jesse…" I drift off on the last part.

"I talked if I was alone; just to make sure I still had a voice", he responds.

"Do you talk to Kyla?"

"Not right after that night, it took me awhile, but she was patient" He sighs and then swings his legs that are hanging off of the ledge. "I still prefer not to talk and she get's that too. Your sister is a wonderful person Ash"

"Yeah I realize that", I reply. "I've always wandered what she did to make you so crazy over her"

"Did you know when my mom left Kyla came to talk to me?" I shake my head indicating that I had no idea. I always thought that Kyla didn't care about that. "Yeah I was sitting by myself on your front steps waiting on you and Jesse and she came by. She sat next to me and she told me to just ask Santa for a new mommy" I laugh at the ridiculousness of her request, but it makes sense that she would say that, she was only like five. "She made me laugh and I hadn't even smiled since my mom left. Since that moment I've always felt… happy, she's always made me happy, even when she wasn't trying. Kyla is the epitome of everything I've ever wanted in life" I watch Aiden as he sort of glows while talking about my sister. "Love should be like that, the person you're with should be everything you want in life, if that makes any sense"

"Does Kyla know this?"

"I told her I loved her before I even knew what it meant" Aiden has got to be the sweetest guy there is. "I even told her about my dad"

"You told her?" Aiden laughs at the face I make.

"Yes I did, I don't want to keep any secrets from her. She was very upset when I told her, like I imagined she would be"

"So now I have an accomplice for my plan to tie your dad to railroad tracks?" Aiden laughs and sticks his hands in his pockets.

"I'm moving out Ash", he states. "I'm not going to take it anymore, I don't deserve this" His voice is firm and I think he is saying more for himself. "It wasn't my fault and I'm not going to pay for something I had no control over"

"Kyla tell you this?" If she did then I owe my sister much more then I thought.

"Yeah she did", he nods his head. "She was the one who suggested we get a place"

"We?"

"Yeah Kyla wanted me to tell you, she and I are moving in together" I open my mouth to speak, but Aiden stops me. "I know we're young and when you're young and in love it most likely won't work, but its different Ash. This is going to work because we want it to and we'll do what it takes. I am so ready to make your sister the happiest woman alive. This isn't like asking for her hand in marriage… right now. She won't move in until she's a senior and I'm going to a community college near here so it works"

"Aiden, she's my little sister"

"And I love her and I'm ready to offer her everything I have"

"I know which is why I'm okay with this idea" Aiden hugs me and I almost fall over from the force. "Okay, but how are you going to get this idea past my mother? How are you going to get a place without being eighteen?"

"We've talked about it and we're going to use both of our money and ask your mom to help us get it. We'll say it's just for me and then we'll tell her the rest when the time comes"

"As long as you're happy Aide"

"I am"

Aiden left the cliffs after a couple more hours, saying he had to get to Kyla. I stayed a few more minutes, waiting for what, I don't know. I'm driving home when I decide to take the route I know that will cause me to pass Jesse's accident scene. I've been avoiding that way since her accident, but now I want to see it. What I don't expect to see when I get there is Glen Carlin's car. I pull over and get out of my car; he's sitting on the sidewalk with a bottle of tequila and what seems to be a gun. I'm cautious when I go over to him and stand a couple of steps away.

"I miss the drugs", he says before taking a drink from the bottle. I don't say anything, still very aware of his gun. "It's such bullshit, how Spencer was able to forget such a euphoric feeling. How she was able to go on with life without even falling off the wagon once. There are so many temptations, but she just kept on with life. I keep falling and climbing on and falling and climbing on and falling and all of a sudden my wagon is a sports car and I'm having a hard time catching it"

"Then run faster", I say with a shrug. I have no sympathy for the guy that killed my girlfriend.

"I do, I fucking run until I can't breathe, but it doesn't work" He takes another sip. "You know I did it don't you", he says into the bottle. I don't say anything and he laughs. "I guess I can cancel out a career as a hitman", he jokes. In anger I take a step towards him, but he pulls the gun on me. "I'm already going to hell, I have nothing to lose" I take a step back and he lowers the gun. "I'm sorry", he speaks softly. He pats the space next to him and I cautiously take a seat. "I used to be a good guy. My family used to be proud of me; I was something to be proud of." He glances at me and then focuses his attention on his bottle. I doubt I'm the person he should be talking to, but I let him continue. "I used to make Madison proud", he takes another sip. "I lost more then the ability to play basketball when I got injured. I disappeared in my own family; it felt like I wasn't even there. Spencer was never invisible, she had potential", he says the last part with a hint of sarcasm.

"You're jealous of her aren't you?" I look intently at Glen and he stares back at me.

"She'll always be the favorite." He shakes his head. "She killed someone and they didn't love her any less. You'd think they would be able to appreciate me a little bit more at that point"

"It looks like you are one for one now", I state coldly.

"I deserved that" Silence overtakes us and he just keeps drinking. "I'm not a murderer; at least I never intended to be one. I just wanted, needed someone else to see the flaws in Spencer like I do. I needed to know I wasn't crazy, that Spencer isn't the angel everyone pegs her to be. Amy told me you had a girlfriend, a very sweet girl from what I heard" My body tenses and he moves his head side to side. "Don't get mad, let me finish please, then you can have your way. I thought… I thought if this girl is truly everything Amy says she is, then she would know. She would know that you shouldn't be hanging out with Spencer. She would tell you to stop and you would listen to her" He finishes the bottle and throws it in the street. It smashes against the ground. "I found out where she lived from Amy. I went to her house, but there wasn't a car in the driveway so I drove around. I drove by this park close to here and there she was. This girl all by herself, crying" Tears gather in my eyes as I picture the scene he's painting. "I had this feeling it was Jessica so I got out of my car and walked towards her. She was sitting on this swing crying her heart out and I felt bad. I asked her if she was okay and she said something like "She hasn't come yet." She asked me if relationships were easy and I told her the good ones aren't. I asked her for her name and she said Jessica, but everyone calls me Jesse. She reached out her hand, she had small hands, and I shook it. I explained to her that my name was Glen and then I told her you were hanging out with the wrong people. She said you know what's best for you and then told me goodbye. I chased after her to try to beg her to make you stop" He closes his eyes and I do the same. "She got in her car and was dialing on her phone"

"She was calling me", I whisper.

"I didn't know that, I thought she was calling the police. I thought she was thinking I was some crazy guy trying to hurt her and that wasn't the case" He clenches his teeth and the gun. "I was trying to help her and she thought I wanted to hurt her. It made me mad because here was another person who thought I was the bad one", he speaks through his clenched teeth. "I got in my car and chased after her, she freaked…"

"What happened next?" I say with closed eyes, bracing myself.

"I just got so tired of being treated like the bad guy, so I decided to actually be one" He takes a deep breath. "I rammed her hard and she veered off. After she crashed I tried to see if there was anything I could do, but she was dead. She died on impact and I ran. I ran and the next day I got the car fixed so no one would know what I did" I release my breath and tackle Glen to the ground.

"You bastard, you greedy fucking bastard, you killed my girlfriend", I yell while pounding his face. He starts thrashing around, but I continue.

"I'm sorry okay I'm sorry" He pulls the gun up and points it at me. I stop my assault and sit back with wide eyes. "I am so sorry, I'm sorry" He shakes his head and cocks the gun. "I'm sorry", he whispers with a broken voice.


	31. Chapter 31

Tiniest Notion (Aiden's POV)

I've been sitting with Kyla on her bed, not doing anything in particular, just talking. I told her about my talk with Ashley and she's happy for me.

"Was she surprised?" Kyla asks while cuddling into me.

"Yeah she was", I respond while wrapping my arms around her. "You smell like shower" Kyla giggles and I brush my fingers through her hair.

"Is that a good thing?" She looks up at me.

"Yes, very good, although I would love you if you smelled like gym shorts" I kiss the top of her head.

(Amy's POV)

I'm sitting on my hammock staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I haven't talked to Ashley all day and needless to say it's killing me. It's my fault really for being so aggressive in our friendship. She is amazing and sometimes I can't help myself, but it is not my fault we landed on each other. It was fate's fault, it's pushing us together and she won't let it happen. Rowan comes out of the house and walks over towards me.

"I thought about committing a crime to go to prison so I could be with Spencer", he says before sitting on the hammock. It sways a little, but he's light so I don't worry.

"You do realize that guys go to different prison right?" I laugh when I say this to him.

"Yeah and I figure I can fix that part and just be a lesbian right? But I'm still not old enough to go anywhere, but juvie" We both laugh and I give Rowan a weird look.

"Willing to get a sex change huh?"

"Well you seem to have adjusted to yours so well I just thought…", he giggles and gets off of the hammock. I chase him around our backyard and he continues laughing.

"You won't need a sex change when I'm done with you", I joke.

(Paula's POV)

Amy and Rowan are playing outside and it's just me and Arthur in the kitchen. Arthur is working on a new recipe and I'm helping well more like taste testing. He's flying around the kitchen and I smile at how happy this makes my husband.

"We should buy a restaurant", I say while eating the shrimp he just cooked.

"Depends, will you be eating the food before I get to use it there too?" He turns his attention from stirring something in a pot to smile at me.

"I'm taste testing", I offer a weak excuse. He shakes his head and adds some cooked sausage to his pot. "I'm serious Arthur, I have something for me, you should have something for you" He used to be social worker, but quit when the stress at home became too much. It's not like he needed to work anyway, it's just nice to have something to do. I walk over to him and hug him from behind. "We can call it Arthur's Haven" I kiss his back and hold him tighter.

"Paula's Place"

"Carlin Clan"

"Amy's Attic"

"Ooo I like that one, but let's not build Amy's head up any higher then it is" Arthur turns around and kisses me softly.

"Just like her mother" I swat his arm and he chuckles before holding me in his arms. I love this man; he has got to be the gentlest man I've ever known. "Taste this; it will dazzle your taste buds" He takes a wooden spoon on the side of him and dips it the pot and brings it to my lips. There is some rice on the spoon and I taste it. It tastes amazing just like all of his cooking.

"Mmm, consider me dazzled Arthur Carlin"

(Madison's POV)

I wish he would come home, not this shell he is now, but the old Glen. When I first saw him he was a basketball star at our high school, so full of himself. In all honesty the thing that attracted me to him was his body, back then it was something to be envious of. He stayed in the gym and I would watch him from the bleachers. He would mostly be trying to get away from the guys that constantly beat him up. I hated those jerks for hurting him, but I was thankful because that led to this time we'd spend together. Everyday at lunch it would be just me and him and the sound of his basketball.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump went the basketball and my heart, both in sync. He never said anything about me being there, he told me later that he figured I was always waiting on someone. I was… I was waiting on him to drop that ball and pick me up. One day he did though, he spoke to me.

_(Flashback Five Years Ago)_

"_If I make this" he speaks and it echoes throughout the gym. I'm the only one here so I guess it's safe to assume he's talking to me. I watch him with curious eyes, but he doesn't look at me. "We're going to spend the rest of our life together" He jumps and releases the ball from the three point line. It goes in with nothing, but net. He smirks and looks at me in the stands. "I guess we should get started then" _

_(Flashback Ends)_

We started dating and we were together until the incident where some guys messed up Glen's leg. He pulled away and chose drugs; I was forced to leave him because I didn't like seeing my Glen, the one from the gym, so messed up. He got clean and we got back together and eventually got married. Now he's acting just like that old Glen and I really don't want to leave him because we have a kid.

I just need him to come home right now.

(Clay's POV)

"What are we doing here?" Chelsea asks. She walks around the gallery where we first met and she looks beautiful in her green dress. My woman loves bright colors and I've boiled it down to the fact that she is an artist. Colors are her life and plus they make her so happy. I look down at my beige khakis and my white shirt; I'm working on my wardrobe. "You look great baby, don't worry"

"Isn't that my line?" She smirks at me and grabs the end of her dress and starts twirling. I love how she is my exact opposite. Where I'm shy, she shines confidence. That's my favorite thing about her, she doesn't care what anyone thinks and I love that about her. She's such a beautiful person and you can tell that before you even talk to her. I swear the day I ruined her art was the best day of my life.

"Come on", she says. I walk towards her with my hands in my pocket and she holds her hands out. When I'm close enough she wraps her arms around my neck and I pull my hands out of my pockets to wrap them around her waist. She starts to sway and she moves to her own beat.

"Ahh so we're dancing to a Chelsea mix", I say.

"Uh huh, number one album for some time now", she jokes.

(Aiden's POV)

"I don't want to smell like gym shorts", Kyla says while scrunching up her nose. I kiss her nose and then her lips. It slowly turns into a make out session, we never go too far. We always stick with kissing. Kyla slips her hand underneath my shirt, but I pull it out and pull away. "What is it Aiden? Is it because you're a virgin because if so don't worry it's a turn on" I shake my head and sign the word no. "Can we not go back to signing? We were finally getting somewhere. Just talk to me"

"I don't want you to see", I whisper. It doesn't take her more then a second to realize what I'm talking about. "Can we just wait awhile? I swear it won't be long"

"Take all the time you need, I'm here"

(Amy's POV)

"I want her to come home", Rowan declares. We are lying on the grass, tired from running. "I miss her"

"I miss her too Rowan"

"You seem like the only other one" I stare at Rowan as he watches the sky.

"People care Rowan; life just has to go on. We're all doing the best we can to keep living. Deep down we're all hurting and I'm sure when Spencer comes back we can all be truly happy"

"We can all go back to normal", he adds.

"Or at least our version of it"

(Paula's POV)

"I keep setting a place for Spencer at the table", I say sadly. Arthur comes up behind me while I stare at the family table.

"Keep setting the place then, our daughter's coming home I promise" He rests his head on my shoulder and I lean my own head back.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because God wouldn't have given me such an amazing family, just to take them away" He pecks my neck and I set the plate down where Spencer would have sat.

(Madison's POV)

"Don't worry baby, your daddy will be home soon", I rub my stomach and talk to my angel. "Your daddy loves you very much and your mommy does too" I hold my hand on one spot of my stomach and the baby kicks. I could relax if he would walk through that door; all I need is for him to walk through that door.

(Clay's POV)

"I love this song", Chelsea coos. We're still dancing to the silence, well there is a song going on it's just in Chelsea's head.

"Should I be worried about your mental health?" I joke.

"You're just mad because you can't here the song", she sighs.

"Can I at least get a hum?"

(Aiden's POV)

Kyla had fallen asleep sometime during me holding her. She tangled herself in me so it's impossible to get up without waking her up. I think this is a Davies thing because I can recall one time where the Davies lock kept Jesse from getting home in time and she got in trouble. I've decided that it doesn't matter to me, I'll get home when I get home because I've never been more content. I have my best friend back and the girl of my dreams is snoring softly on my chest. I just wish my sister could be here so she could know that I'm okay. Kyla mumbles something and then takes a hold of my shirt. The house phone rings and I would answer it except for the whole talking deal. Kyla wakes up and turns over to answer the cordless that is in her room.

"Hello?"

(Amy's POV)

Rowan and I go inside the house to watch TV. We talked a little while longer about Spencer and then decided to leave it alone. Rowan is stretched out on the sofa while I'm in the loveseat. We're in the middle of watching Scrubs when the phone rings…

(Paula's POV)

The phone rings and I go to get in since the kids seem to be enthralled in god knows what. I don't check the caller id which is a bad habit of mines and I pick up the phone.

"Carlin residence"

(Madison's POV)

I'm officially worried, Glen said he wouldn't be out late. He said he just needed some time away and I gave that to him, but he still isn't home and it is really late. Being in this house alone scares me because it's just so quiet. The house phone rings and I speed walk towards it the best I can with my belly.

"Hello?"

(Clay's POV)

Chelsea's humming tenderly to me and I agree that this is the best song.

(Unknown POV)

Oh god.


	32. Chapter 32

Okay so I'm not even going to lie... I've been lazy. This post has been done for about a month and everytime I get ready to put it up I get online and completely forget about what I was going to do. So I was on my friend's live and someone who reads the story happens to know my friend and told her to tell me to post so here I am with my life story. Anywho.... here is your next post I hope you like it.

Tiniest Notion

I'm sitting and wondering at what point exactly my life went wrong. When did my life become some Lifetime movie? There is an annoying noise in my ear and I realize someone is snapping in front of my face and I shake my head.

"Miss Davies", a police officer addresses me.

"I'm sorry what were you saying?"

"I said…" I stop listening after those two words and I think back to what happened.

_(Flashback to the Shooting)_

_Glen points the gun to his head and I lunge at him. He is caught off guard and we both fall to the floor. The gun goes off in between us and Glen's eyes bulge. _

"_Glen", I don't recognize my own voice, it sounds so terrified. I roll off of him and lay next to him. I see I'm covered in blood and start panicking. "Oh god, oh god" I feel around my stomach and lift up my shirt to see that I'm fine. I look over towards Glen and his body is shaking and there is blood covering his clothes. I kneel next to him and lift up his shirt. When I do I see the wound I expected to be on me. _

"_Is-s it b-b-bad?" his voice shakes and I contemplate telling him the truth._

"_You're going to be fine", I lie well technically I don't know. He forms some semblance of a chuckle. _

"_You're a bad liar", his strained voice states. I pull my phone out of my pocket and struggle to remember the damn number for the police. I finally remember and dial, getting an operator on the first ring._

"_Hello I need an ambulance" _

"_What happened?" a lady asks me. I wonder how that is important. If I need a fucking ambulance does it really matter what happened. _

"_My… friend… is shot" I didn't have time to break down Glen's exact ties to me. "He's dying and I need help" She asks for my location and I give it to her. _

"_What should I do? There is so much blood" _

"_Is he conscious?" she asks. I look down at Glen and watch as his eyelids start to close before he opens them._

"_Barely"_

"_Apply pressure to his wound. Try to keep him awake, but if he goes unconscious and stops breathing you will need to do CPR" I nod my head and I realize she can't see me._

"_I will", I reply before hanging up the phone. I don't wait to see if she says anything else because Glen's eyes glaze over. He reminds me of a child at this moment, he's just so scared. "You'll be fine Glen, just stay awake"_

"_I d-deserve to die"_

"_No you deserve to go to jail, no one deserves to die" I apply some pressure to his wound and I almost throw up because all of the blood. "You have Madison remember, you're having a kid"_

"_A girl", he whispers._

"_A girl", I repeat._

"_If I live… I-I'm telling the p-police I d-did it" He places his bloody hand over mines. "If I d-don't you t-tell them" He rubs his hand on mines. _

"_Glen…" I beg, I beg him not to leave me right now, for him not to leave his family. I honestly believe that he didn't mean for his life to end up like this. His life just took some turns I don't think he was ready for. _

"_You k-know who I r-really w-wanted to b-be proud?" he asks me. I shake my head and tears fall freely from my eyes to Glen's chest. "Spencer… all I w-wanted was t-to be her big brother. He takes a breath and then winces. "She never let me…never needed me" I hear the ambulance come and Glen closes his eyes. _

"_Glen… Glen…Glen" I call his name, but he still doesn't move._

_(Flashback End)_

"Miss… Miss… Miss Davies", the same officer calls my name.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said why did he have a gun?" I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath.

"I don't know…" I answer. I hear a chorus of footsteps and soon the Carlin family appears at the nurses' station.

"My son, he was… he was shot. I need to see him, his name is Glen Carlin", Mrs. Carlin pleas to the head nurse.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Carlin, but he is in surgery right now, that young lady over there is waiting on him too. You can wait over there" All eyes turn to me and everyone appears to be confused. Arthur walks towards me with his family behind him.

"Ashley? What happened? Whose blood is that?" I look down at my own blood stained clothes. Madison comes forward and touches my shirt.

"Is this Glen's blood?" she tilts her head to the side and stares me dead in my eyes. I nod my head and her lip quivers, she appears like she is about to cry. "But how? Why?" her voice quakes.

"Excuse me Miss", the officer from earlier speaks up. "My name is Officer Baker and this young lady was with Mr. Carlin earlier tonight" I'm not really listening to the officer; instead I am watching Madison who is in turn watching me. "He pulled a gun on this young lady and there was a struggle before the gun went off and he was shot"

"Is it true? Was he trying to kill you?" Madison doesn't even seem to be acknowledging Officer Baker; instead she has her full focus on me. I don't know how to answer her question. Is it worse to here someone was trying to kill someone else… or themselves?

"He was drunk and he pointed the gun at himself" Madison straightens her posture and I go on. "I tried to stop him and…" I leave the sentence open.

"He tried to kill himself" She states rather then questions. I nod my head and the room gets awkwardly silent. Madison covers her face with her hands and mumbles something I can't hear. Clay, Chelsea, and Rowan all sit down in the hospital chairs. Mr. and Mrs. Carlin hold each other and Amy just looks at me.

"Amelia…" I call her name and she embraces me. I wrap my arms around her neck and hers are around my waist. We stand like that until I notice Aiden and Kyla running into the waiting room.

"My sister, Ashley Davies, I'm looking for her", my sister's voice is full of fear. I pull away from Amy, but she stays close. Her arm firmly around my waist.

"Kyla" I say loud enough for her to look. Her face appears relieved and she runs to hold me. Aiden follows behind her, but stand awkwardly behind my sister.

"I thought something happened to you", she murmurs into my neck. I feel my shirt getting wet and I realize she's crying. I place my hand on the back of her head. She hugs me tighter and I feel myself about to cry. "I was so scared" I hold out my other arm and Aiden doesn't waste anytime hugging me. His grip is tight, but I don't say anything due to the circumstances. Amy continues to stay close, but quiet. We hear a throat clear and everyone turns to the source. There is a doctor waiting and it seems like everyone in the hospital quiets down to see what he has to say. Madison takes a couple of steps forward and the doctor walks towards her.

"I'm Dr. Scribons, are you related to a…" he checks his chart "Glen Carlin"

"I'm his wife", Madison answers. This seems to work for him because he continues talking.

"You're husband suffered a puncture wound to his abdomen. Lucky for him it missed any major organs and we were able to save him" Everyone releases a collective breath. "He's sleeping, side effects of the drugs we gave him. He can have one visitor at a time" Madison looks back at Mr. and Mrs. Carlin and they nod their heads for her to go. Dr. Scribons takes her to see Glen and we all sit down. Amy sits on one side of me with Kyla on the other. Aiden is on Kyla's other side with his arm around her. His knee is bouncing up and down, but Kyla stills it with her hand. I forgot how awkward it must be for Aiden to hang around the people who were involved with his sister's death.

"My family just keeps fucking up your life", Amy sighs. I rest my hand on her thigh.

"Amelia"

"There is nothing you can say that proves the opposite" I don't say anything and she places her hand over mines. "I'm sorry I'm greedy. That I keep you involved in my life and after all of this I have no intention of letting you go without a fight" My eyes watch our fingers intertwine and I can feel Amy's eyes on me. "You're like my best friend and I don't think I could go on very long without hearing your whiny voice"

"Yeah because your bitch rants are so attractive", I joke back. "None of this is your fault and I don't blame you at all Amelia" Amy leans her head on my shoulder and we both get comfortable for a long wait.

**/**

"Ashley…Ashley… Ashley… Ashy" I open my eyes to see a sea of blue. Amy is about an inch from my face and gazing at me. I put my hand on her face and push her back.

"Ass, you know I hate when you say my name like that"

"Is it my fault your parents gave you a name that can be twisted in so many ways?" She smiles and it almost makes me forget I'm sitting in this damn uncomfortable chair. I left my head up only to feel a pain in my neck.

"Fuck these chairs", I complain while grabbing my neck. Amy is just watching me with a shit eating grin. "Why doesn't your neck hurt?"

"When you come here enough you learn new tricks" I can hear the hint of sadness in her voice when she speaks. I look around the room to see that there is only Kyla, Aiden, and Mr. Carlin left in the room.

"Where is everyone?"

"Well Madison is in the room with Glen, he woke up awhile ago. Clay and Chelsea went home, they were both exhausted. My mom took Rowan to school and yeah that's about it" I try to find a more comfy position in the chair and I realize some draped a jacket over me. Amy takes notice of my confused expression. "I hope you don't mind, you seemed cold. I know from experience that is can become freezing in here" She wraps her right arm around me and I lean into her. Madison comes out and eyes me and Amy.

"Ashley um Glen would like to talk to you" She points behind her. I get up out of my chair and Amy takes the jacket from me. Hesitantly I walk over towards Madison and together we go to Glen's room. Glen is sitting upright when we walk in, hooked up to a machine. Madison takes her place in a chair on the side of him. Feeling out of place I just stand near the door. Glen sighs and turns his head to face Madison.

"Maddie", he takes a hold of her and Madison grips it tightly. "You know I love you"

"I love you too", she says with teary eyes. "We love you" she places a hand over her stomach. Glen bites his bottom lip.

"I love her too", he whispers. "I did a bad thing baby" I shift awkwardly as I watch Glen start to cry for the second time.

"Its okay honey, we can get through this", Madison speaks while tears cascade down her cheeks. "We can get you help and therapy" Glen shakes his head, but Madison continues. "We can go back to the way we used to be"

"Maddie", Glen tries to interrupt.

"We can get passed this"

"Maddie"

"And we can be a real family again"

"Maddie", Glen gets louder, but then winces. I assume it's because that must have hurt him to yell.

"Glen, are you okay?" Madison reaches for the button to call the nurse, but Glen stops her.

"I killed Jessica Dennison", Glen says it slowly so the words will register. Madison pulls her hand away from Glen's and sits back in her seat. Glen looks to me with begging eyes. "I am so sorry and I know no matter how many times I say that it still won't matter. It won't bring her back, but if I could I'd die in her place. I will never forget her or stop hating myself for it because I saw it that night" My eyes start to water, but I wipe them quickly. "I saw what made people love her and I still took that. The guilt I feel is eating me alive and I deserve that. I was so wrong" Glen turns his attention from me to Madison. She avoids his eye contact, but he continues. "So wrong", his voice lowers. "And I'll pay for it, I'll do my time in jail and do it without complaint as long as I know Spencer is out and you still love me", he finishes.

"I knew it", Madison whispers. She takes a deep breath and sits up as much as she can. "I knew Spencer wouldn't have done it, couldn't have done it. I knew you were acting strange, but I ignored it" Glen looks away and stares guiltily at his fingers. "Look at me damn it", she commands. Glen obeys while I watch on. "How could you do this? To me to your family to that boy's family to her" Madison points to me. "What? Did we all not suffer enough for you so you decided to add something to our plate?" Glen doesn't answer and Madison uses the chair arms to help herself up. "I don't know what to do Glen because I can't stop loving you…" Glen reaches for her hand again, but she pulls away. "But I can't forgive you either" She walks past me and out of the room; I follow behind her, not willing to be in the same room with Glen again. Madison stops only a couple of feet from the door, the part of her that's in love with him no willing to go far. She stands against a wall and I stand in front of her.

"Madison", I say her name and that's about it.

"I'm going to be there for him, just not now" She mock chuckles and gazes at me. "You must think I'm an idiot for still being with him" I shake my head in a no fashion. "I can't stop loving him, you don't even know how much I wish I could right now. I wish I was strong enough to leave him, but my love for him is stronger then anything else. He's committed the worse crime ever, but I still want to hold him and tell him it will be alright. Because no matter how much he's changed I'm still in love with the boy he was in high school" She shakes her head. "I'm sorry about Jessica and I hope you don't hate me for sticking by Glen, but I'm too far gone" She walks away from me and back into the room. It's times like these where I wish you could control who you love. I wish the person didn't just have to walk up…

"You okay Ashley", Amy jolts me from my thoughts. She has her hand on my shoulder and the way she is looking at me right now is exactly how Jesse used to look at me.

"Amelia…"

"Oh this can't be good"

"I need a break, from you from all of this", Amy's face falls a little, but she covers it up.

"Okay", she says. I open my mouth, but she places her hand over it. "It's okay, but you should go before I resort to begging" I nod my head and hold out my arms to hug her and she moves into my arms. "Don't stay away too long", she whispers in my ear. We break apart and I walk away, feeling a little more at ease.


	33. Chapter 33

Okay so here is the thing I thought I'd be able to update more, but the classes that I needed to pass to stay at my college, I failed one and I've been trying to find ways to stay in the school. Sorry I've been sucky and I can't promise when my next post is because my advisor just told me I have to get my teacher to agree to something I'm sure he wont and that means I have to go the eight hours back up to my school and see what I can do to stay there. All in all I may or may not be screwed so I'm hoping for the not screwed part. So here is the next post, if it's sucky I'm sorry I havent been in the right state of mind to write and I promise the next post will make up for it. Thanks for the reviews they cheer me up when I get them.

Tiniest Notion

"The Davies girls are up by three and it's the final quarter. It's a sad beating there is no way Aiden Dennison can come back from this. He'll have to leave the country and grow a beard because no one will ever respect him again"

"Ash stop the sports casting and just pass the ball already", Aiden whines. We are at the park playing basketball with Aiden. It's Kyla and I against Aiden and we finally have the upper hand. The boy is good and if he wanted to he could join the team at school, but we all know that's not for the best. I pass the ball to Kyla and she just runs holding the ball. "Traveling!" Aiden yells. "My ball"

"Street rules sucka", I yell back while trying to bump Aiden with my shoulder, but he doesn't move. Kyla keeps running and laughing and she hands the ball back to me. Aiden grabs her and picks her up. "Cheating", I shout.

"Street rules sucka", he repeats my earlier statement. He puts Kyla down and goes for me.

"Computer blue Ky, computer blue" She laughs at my Dave Chapelle reference and runs around with her hands up. "Computer blue" I throw the ball and she catches it and shoots it. It goes in and we celebrate with the chicken dance. "Hell yeah"

"Wants some pancakes bitch?" Kyla yells and we both burst up laughing. We all fall to the floor holding our stomachs and then the laughter dies down. I'm out of breath from cheating at this game and laughing. "I think there's gravel in my ass", Kyla says randomly. Aiden and I look at each other before laughing some more.

This is how it's been lately, just the three of us trying to live our lives as drama free as possible. Sure there is the downside of always waiting for the storm to come, but we try not to think about the serious stuff. Aiden even started talking, even if it is only to me and Kyla. We just have fun and appreciate the things we do have. I haven't seen any Carlins for weeks and I haven't gone to the cliffs. Last I heard Spencer was at home with Rowan.

"You two are cheaters", Aiden breathes out.

"Hey watch your mouth" Kyla replies. She holds out her hand for Aiden and he reaches back, but they are too far. I stop watching them and close my eyes, content on falling asleep on this hard ground. A dark figure settles over me and I open my eyes to see Rowan staring down at me.

"You're strange", he states. His hair has grown out a little more so it is in his eyes as he stares down at me.

"It happens", I shrug with my response. I look at him holding a soccer ball firmly in his left arm. He is wearing green basketball shorts and a white t shirt that appears to be covered in grass stains.

"You stopped coming around", he says.

"I needed some time with my family", he nods as if he understands how important that is.

"That the family?" He nods towards Kyla and Aiden who are now next to each other sitting Indian style.

"I'm Kyla, Ashley's sister", Kyla announces. Rowan shakes her hand. "This is Aiden, he doesn't talk" Rowan puts the soccer ball on the ground and starts signing. It takes Aiden by surprise, but he signs back introducing himself to Rowan.

"You sign?" I ask him.

"Yeah my sis and Spencer made me take classes" He shrugs his shoulders. "She misses you, you know?" When I don't say anything he clarifies. "Amy"

"Hey Rowan what did I tell you about talking to st…" She trails off and I'm locked in a staring contest with none other then Spencer Carlin. She looks so good in her basketball shorts and white wifebeater. Is it weird that her whole sweaty outfit is turning me on? "Hello Ashley" She glances a Kyla and Aiden before holding out her hand to Kyla. "Spencer Carlin", she says with confidence when she shakes my sister's hand. "Nice to meet you", she finishes while shaking Aiden's.

"Aiden doesn't talk Spence", Rowan mentions. Spencer knows this, but she pretends she doesn't for Rowan or for me I'm not sure. "Can I invite them to my party?" Rowan looks at Spencer with hopeful eyes and she ruffles her fingers through his hair.

"It's up to you, I told you it's your party… anything goes" Rowan grins at this and I realize this is the first time I've seen him truly happy. Spencer makes him this way and I know that he is in the right hands with her. Rowan faces us proudly.

"I'm fourteen today and I'm having a party. It would be great if you guys can come we're moving soon you know?" My face visibly falls and I give a hard stare to Spencer.

"Rowan how about you work on your footwork"

"You could always just ask to speak to Ashley alone", he scoffs. Rowan takes his ball and puts it on the ground, kicking it all the way back to the field. I look at Kyla and Aiden and they get the hint to follow him.

"You're moving?" I start.

"Not far, we'll still be in L.A. I just think it's time we got out of that house" Spencer smoothly walks over and takes a seat next to me. I turn my head to the side to face her and I'm met with bright blue eyes. Spencer's hair is pulled back into a ponytail which adds to her current beauty.

"I miss you", I confess.

"Amy misses you", she says, not missing a beat. "All she does is mope around and I'm almost positive that she is in love with you"

"Spencer…"

"Do you love her?" She asks me with a hint of sadness.

"I love certain things about her. I love that she'll tell me anything the first time I ask. I love that she doesn't play games and she's ready to be with me as soon as I ask" Spencer averts her eyes and stares at the gravel. "I love that there are absolutely no secrets between us, there's just us" I answer as honestly as possible. "I keep putting myself out there for you, but you keep pushing me away. I may be young, but I won't be played with. I finally have my life somewhat together after what happened. So if I let you in it I need to know you won't bail on me"

"Ashley I…"

_**Kill the lights**_

_**These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks**_

_**It feels right**_

_**All these asphyxiated, self medicated take the white pill you'll feel alright **_

Spencer's cell phone interrupts us and I watch as she picks it up. I didn't even know Spencer owned a cell phone.

"Never would have pegged you for a 3Oh!3 fan", I comment. Spencer smiles as she greets the caller.

"Hey Amy" I move to get up and give her alone time, but she motions for me to stay seated. "I'm at the park with Rowan…Yeah we're coming… and we're bringing guest" Spencer gives me a pointed look and says goodbye before hanging up.

"I can't go see Amelia"

"Why not? She misses you and I'm sure you miss her"

"Stop ignoring the main issue between us"

"What's the main issue?"

"Lately I've been thinking. I've been thinking that I've always been ready for you, for us, even when I didn't know it. All of the drama that happened when Jesse was alive and then afterwards… I was still prepared to be with you and take all the shit that came with it. Then Amelia came along and I realize she is playing the exact same role I am, only the leading lady is different". Spencer stares at the ground. I question if my words actually reached her because there is no response.

"I want to be with you, but there is Rowan to think about and Amy and so many other things"

"Why can you just leave it at you want to be with me? Why can't we just leave it there?" I don't care if she senses my annoyance at this moment.

"Because I am an adult Ashley!" Spencer's voice rises to unnecessary octaves. She must realize this because she clears her throat. "I can't just do what I want. I can't ignore the issues at hand; one of us has to think about the future"

"I think about the future, difference is when I think about it, it involves you"

"I forgot how cliché kids are at your age"

"Like you're so much older, you can't even buy alcohol for goodness sakes"

"I can leave the country without my parent's permission, how about you?"

"I can leave the country without talking it over with my parole officer" There is a long silence between us as we both avoid eye contact. "I just want to be with you and I don't know how to deal with you not wanting me too. We had it Spencer, we were together or something along those lines and things went so wrong… so fucking wrong. Now we're just going around in circles. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself with you"

"Your childhood sweetheart died Ashley, after finding out you were cheating on her. That's what went so fucking wrong. I'm no expert, but that should be grounds for breaking anything off. Have you ever considered that we don't belong together?" Spencer's eyes are conveying a message that I can't decipher, or maybe it's just that I don't want to.

"No, because all it takes is for me to be around you to know that that's a lie. We're meant to be something epic Spencer Carlin, something people compare their love to" She stares at me wordlessly and I don't know who leaned in first, I don't care, but somehow our lips connected. No, saying our lips connected don't quite cover it, it's more like we connected. She was telling me with her lips that she wouldn't fight it anymore; she would let whatever happens happen. We pull away and she smirks at me.

"Be my date to Rowan's party?" she asks with confidence.

"Only if you dance with me"

"I can arrange that"

/

Aiden, Kyla, and I are standing outside the Carlin household; it's around seven in the evening. After the park we went home to change into something more fitting and that smells less bad. We even all got a gift for him, even though the boy has everything in the world. Aiden suggested we get him goal posts for his new home and a new ball. It was a lot to carry which is why we made Aiden carry it. I knock on the door and I am greeted by Paula. She grins at me before engulfing me into a hug that almost knocks the wind out of me.

"Oh Ashley, it's so good to see you. I mean Spencer said you were coming, but she could have been wrong" I raise my eyebrows at her. "Yes I know that was unlikely, but regardless it's good to see you Dear. You had a mother worried about you; you kind of dropped off of the radar"

"Sorry Mrs. Carlin, I just needed to get away" She nods with understanding before looking behind me at Kyla and Aiden. "Excuse my manners, this is my sister Kyla and her boyfriend, my best friend, Aiden" In all of this drama I forgot to consider how Aiden would feel going over the parents of the guy that killed his sister's house. He shifts uncomfortably and Kyla wraps her arms around his waist while smiling at Mrs. Carlin.

"Hi, it's nice seeing you again", she says kindly. Aiden smiles, but you can see his discomfort. "Sorry, he doesn't speak. If you know sign language he can sign" Mrs. Carlin shakes her head sadly.

"No, I don't know any sign. I know who you are Aiden, I know it must have took a lot on your part to come here today and I want you to know how sincerely sorry I am. My son took something precious from you and this whole family owes you so much" Aiden's eyes start to water and he shakes his head before walking away, gifts in hand. Kyla murmurs an apology before going after him. I am about to follow when I feel a light grip on my arm.

"Going somewhere Davies?" I turn to see Amelia smiling at me. I smile and hug her; she returns the hug with enthusiasm. "I've missed you Rockstar"

"I've missed you too" I bury my head in the crook of her neck and take a deep breath, my nostrils fill with her scent and it comforts me. There is no doubt that I've missed this girl. "How have you been?"

"I've had better days", she replies with her smile firmly in place. "Life has certainly been lacking a certain brunette" If I wasn't so sure about Spencer, Amelia would definitely have my heart.

"I'm sorry Amelia I just…"

"No need to explain Davies", she cuts me off. "You can make it up to me by dancing with me" She pulls me into the house despite my protests. The house is crowded with people, something I'm not used to. A good number of them are kids Rowan's age running around the house. "The adults are just people who think they are friends of Spencer's. The only one who is right is CJ, the girl standing against the wall with Spencer"

"I thought her and CJ stopped talking", I look at the bombshell red head standing next to Spencer. Her hair is long and wavy and her face screams model, but with a bad girl edge. She looks like she's matured since the last photo I've seen of her. She and Spencer stand against the wall looking like they are too cool for the rest of the party. I feel a tinge of jealousy at how perfect they look together.

"Yeah, when Spencer was in jail she wrote to CJ and they made up. Ever since Spencer got out they've been inseparable. I think Spencer missed her as much as she missed Spencer" Amy pulls us into the crowd of people that are dancing. We start to dance and I must say that I'm impressed with Amy's moves. Her hands go to my waist and mines go around her neck and we move together in sync. There are no words to the song, just a techno beat. I look over Amy's shoulder and see CJ covering her ears and Spencer is smirking and staring straight at me. Her eyes are intense and I wonder if it's truly me she's staring at or if she's just looking at the crowd. Something in her eyes is telling me though that it's the first one. CJ takes her hands from her ears and follows Spencer's gaze to me. She leans into Spencer's ear and says something. Without taking her eyes off of me she replies to CJ and CJ shakes her head and watches me. Spencer's look becomes too much for me and I look between me and Amy and put my full focus on dancing with her. The song changes into something slower and we change our dancing to fit the song.

I look at Amy and realize she's been watching me this whole time, but it looks as though her mind is elsewhere.

The look she is giving let's me know that something bad is about to happen.

"Ashley", she whispers.

"Please don't Amy"

"And here I thought you knew me, because if you did you wouldn't ask me to ignore this"

"Please don't" I beg in a whisper, my instinct to run kicking in because that's what everyone longs to do when life gets complicated. So here I am begging Amy not to make me run, but she's right I do know Amy and I know she won't let this go.

"I wouldn't even dream of bringing this up if I wasn't sure you felt the same way about me Davies. But you do, I saw it in your eyes at the hospital, I know you love me too", she says confidently. She stops dancing which in turn stops me from dancing.

"We were meant to be friends Amy, the best of friends", is my cop out answer. It's all I can offer because I know which Carlin I want.

"That's not enough"

"It has to be, I love Spencer" Amy's face falls at my declaration, but she quickly wipes the emotion from her face and when she does that it reminds me of Spencer.

"Amy", I whisper.

"Say you don't love me".

"You know I can't do that because we both know I do"

"Then be with me Ashley", she's pleading and I know my next words will be the equivalent to kicking a puppy.

"I can't because I want to be with Spencer, I just want her", suddenly my voice is very loud and I realize it's because the music stopped and all eyes are on me and the youngest Carlin. I search for Spencer, but she is nowhere in site. Rowan and all of his friends come into the room and stop most likely curious as to why everyone stopped dancing.

"Party's over. Everyone out" Spencer's voice sounds from behind me and it causes people to trip over themselves trying to get out. It's obvious that respect for Spencer just came naturally for anyone outside of the family. Rowan's face falls as he says goodbye to his friends and all that is left is the Carlins and me. When the place is completely clear Amy speaks.

"You don't even love her like I do"

"Stop being childish Amy", Spencer counters.

"I'm not fucking being childish, this is how someone in love acts. You of anyone should know this after the way you acted with Carmen"

"How did she treat my sister?" Rowan's voice is challenging, in a way daring Amy to say something bad about Spencer.

"Maybe we all should just call it a night", Paula says trying to keep the peace. Arthur nods his head in support and I wish Kyla and Aiden would come back to stand at my side. CJ has her arms around Rowan and it seems like she is trying to get him to leave the room.

"I don't want to leave; for once I don't want to be kept in the dark. No one wants to tell me anything and I'm sick of it" He rips himself out of CJ's grip and stands between Amy and Spencer.

"Rowan, go get your stuff and take it home", Spencer's voice is soft with Rowan.

"No, no one leaves until Ashley decides", Amy brings up my name and we're brought back to the issue at hand.

"Amy I choose Spencer, I'm sorry" Tears form in my eyes and all I want is for this to end.

"What makes Spencer so god damn special? I promise I can be what you need" Amy starts to cry and I want to hug her, hold her like she did for me at the hospital. I want to tell her it will all be okay and all of this drama will pass, but I can't… because right now it seems like it never will. All of this bad shit will never stop and we're all doomed to feel endless pain.

"I can't…" I shake my head and get out of that house as fast as humanly possible.


	34. Chapter 34

**Okay so the next chapter after this is already done and ready, but I just need one of my friends to read it, but I expect it to be up next week. Thanks for all the reviews and the nice comments made. I was kicked out of school, but it's all good. Oh and Spencer is not supernatural just so you know. She is just a very weird and mysterious girl. I'd thank everyone for reviews individually, but I have a hard time remembering things like screen names. Oh and Grumpy get your ass on aim if you want to talk to me lol jk (but no seriously). So I'll stop boring you and let you read the chapter, sorry if its not the best, but I worked on it for awhile. Plus my girlfriend threatened me so it caused me to put it up sooner.**

Tiniest Notion (Spencer's POV)

Saying I fucked up would not even cover this situation. I knew I should have left Ashley alone; I should have followed my instincts and told her to get lost. I knew from the first day at the cliffs that this was a bad idea. I've always tried to act with my head instead of my heart because hearts can be misleading. Thinking with my heart got Carmen put in a hospital, but Ashley wouldn't have it. She demanded I use something I've tried so desperately not to since Carmen's accident. Now I'm stuck in a stand off with my baby sister while Ashley ran off with her friends in tow.

"Amy she's just a girl" I'm trying to reason with her, to stop this confrontation from getting nasty. But this is so far from the truth because if Ashley was just a girl we wouldn't be fighting over her. I wouldn't have gotten so damn happy when she openly expressed that it was me she wanted.

"You know that's a lie" Amy sees right through my lie. I wonder if I am truly willing to fight my sister, the one I used to have late night talks with, and the one who I taught how to play the instrument she loves so dearly today. I love Amy, she's always been such a sweet level headed girl, but this took her by surprise. Yes I spoke to her about love, but I don't think she grasped what it was really capable of until this moment. "I hate you"

"You don't mean that" I hope she doesn't mean that, it might kill me if she did. Our family surrounds us, knowing better then to interfere in something this big. We've always had a rule in this family; if it's something that truly needs to be discussed… we wouldn't get in the way. But I'm sure they are worried because this is the baby of the family we are talking about. I don't want to hurt Amy, but I couldn't stand by and listen, Ashley seemed so helpless. It's funny how I've become her protector after all of this. This is a new position for me to be in. Rowan is no longer here, I had CJ take him home after Ashley left so that only the older Carlins where left. "I think I love her" That's as far as I'm willing to admit right now, it would take too much for me to tell the truth, for me to admit this girl had me from the beginning.

"You think!?" Amy half questions, half states. Please don't push it Sis. "I can say I love her Spencer, I love her so damn much"

"I know"

"Then why won't you let her go"

"Because I need her"

"You had Carmen, you had your chance and you blew it. I deserve Ashley let me have her" Her whole life I've given Amy anything she's ever wanted from me, but she's asking too much this time. She's asking me for something I just cannot give her.

"I can't, she's not a trophy Amy"

"You know what I mean"

"And you know I can't do it, I won't do it" I say the last part with conviction.

"You'll regret this when she winds up in the bed next to Carmen" Amy pushes past me and goes upstairs. My parents shake their heads and my mother finally speaks.

"What happened to my children?"

"They grew up" I say before leaving the house and walking next door to my home. The door is open and I walk in to see CJ standing at the bottom of the stairs, staring up them. All the houses are built the same around here. "How is he doing?" I walk over to her and hug her. She returns it and we part. I've missed her; she is truly one of the few people that knew both me and Carmen very well.

"He doesn't understand Spencer; you can't keep expecting him to just accept anything anymore. He's at an age where he needs to know exactly what happened and what's going on. All the kid knows is you put his sister in the hospital and suddenly his happy little world is all fucked up. Talk to him, because the kid is smart, he's older now and if you don't tell him he'll end up hating you" She looks sadly at me. "We both know you don't want that. I've seen you with him, this kid is your world" She kisses my cheek and leaves me alone to face Rowan. "She's cute by the way", she tosses over her shoulder.

"She's beautiful", I mutter familiar words. I walk up the stairs and towards his room. I hear the familiar voice of Carmen as I slowly open his door. Rowan is sitting on his bed watching the TV screen. One of our old home videos plays and you can see Rowan, Carmen, in Carmen's art studio. After seeing her in the hospital so many times I almost forgot how beautiful she was. I trained myself to avoid these videos, pictures, everything. I'm holding the camera as Carmen takes Rowan's hand and she helps him paint.

"_Remember to take your time, art shouldn't be rushed"_ Her voice sounds throughout Rowan's room, due to his surround sound set up. I miss her voice, I miss touching her and holding. At the same time I'm sure Rowan misses his big sister. _"There you go, you'll be a little Picasso in no time" _

"_Or a little David Becham" _Rowan looks at me and smiles at my soccer reference.

"_We'll just see about that Miss Carlin" _

"I miss her", I speak loud enough for Rowan to hear me. He turns to face me and I move to take a seat on the bed next to him.

"Me too", he replies.

"I love you Rowboat, always will"

"I love you too Spencerella" I smirk at his use of the name his sister called me.

"I wish you didn't, it would be easier"

"Or harder" He counters. CJ wasn't exaggerating Rowan is a smart kid. We stay quiet for a couple more minutes until I get the courage to bring up a topic that has been off limits for years.

"Ask me" Rowan looks confused so I decide to elaborate. "Ask me about what happened with your sister" He seems hesitant at first and I don't blame him for it one bit.

"What happened? I want to know everything" He takes a second to think. "I need to know everything", he corrects himself.

"You know…" I walk into his room and take a seat next to him on his bed. "I ask myself that question everyday I wake up without Carmen. What I did… it doesn't make sense, violence never does. For so long I've tried to decide did I hit her because I loved her too much or not enough. I still don't even know. I just came home one day and she was packing her things and your things" I look at Rowan to see that I have his full attention. "She told me she was leaving me, that I wasn't good to her basically and I lost control and hit her, three times" My vision gets blurry and I wipe my eyes to fix it when I discover I'm crying. I can't even remember the last time I cried and here I am about to break down in front of the one person I need to be strong for. "Third times caused her to hit the table and that's why she's in the hospital"

"She's dead", he doesn't phrase it as a question so I'm not sure what to say to him. I don't want to lie to him about something he has every right to know.

"Her body is still here… but the things that made her Carmen, the things we loved about her they are gone. She's gone" Tears fall down my cheeks, but I fight to keep control. Rowan puts his head in his hands and cries silently.

"I knew she was, I've always known. She doesn't even look like herself anymore" He mumbles into his hands. He head rises violently and he glares at me. "Why are you keeping her here? She wouldn't have wanted this you know that. Let her go" He yells the last part and shoves me. I don't move much which causes him to shove me again. "LET HER GO!" He shoves me again. "LET HER GO!" He shoves me again, but this time I take his hands and pull him into me. He cries into my chest as I rub his head. He's right, she didn't want this, but I am so scared to take her off of life support because then she really will be gone. I'm scared of what life will be completely without her. "Please Spencer", he begs. "Don't make her stay here like this… Promise me" More tears fall down my face as I whisper the hardest words I've ever spoken.

"I promise"

(Ashley's POV)

I wake up to hear someone ringing our doorbell at the ungodly hour of eight in the morning. When I don't hear anyone in the house making an effort to get up, I do it myself. I look through our peephole to see who it is, but whoever it is has a hood on their head covering their eyes. When I open the door the hooded figure looks up and it is none other then Spencer Carlin.

In the flesh.

At my door.

Staring at me like I'm crazy.

Oh wait that is because I haven't said anything yet. "Hey" My raspy voice surprises both of us; she clears her throat before speaking.

"Hey" I notice how her eyes have a certain puffiness that usually comes from crying. "I know it's early and all, but I need you… " She pulls her hood off of her head and I think this is the most vulnerable I have seen her and will see her. She doesn't need to explain any more then that and I know she knows that.

"Yeah, just give me a minute and I'll throw something on"

"Can I wait inside?" She points inside for emphasis. I nod my head so hard that I gave myself a headache. She goes inside and I close the door behind her. I notice she is in her usual black attire, but I don't question it. I take the steps two at a time to my room and change into a pair of sweats and a Jimi Hendrix t shirt. When I'm done changing I realize I left the door open and there is Spencer watching me. "I'm sorry about last night", she says. Last night… after I left I came home and cried until I hiccupped and then got ice cream with Kyla. Aiden didn't come home with us, but I have a feeling he sneaked later on in the night.

"Its okay" because it is, she didn't do anything to begin with. Spencer walks around my room looking at various things.

"I told Amy I wasn't giving you up" I continue watching her and she looks up at me. "If you're willing to be with me I'm willing to try" I grin and she smiles before shaking her head. "I want to be with you Ashley, but I can't promise it will be easy"

"Yeah because it's been a walk in the park until now" I joke. I walk over to her and place my hands on her cheek so she looks at me. "I'm not going anywhere" Her face falls. "And I wont let you go anywhere either" I lean in and place a soft kiss on her lips. It doesn't go any further then that.

"I need to take care of something. I want to do it today if you don't mind spending the day with me" She picks up a picture of Jesse, Aiden, and I and looks it over. "You are so lucky"

"Why is that?"

"Because she looks like she was amazing her whole life"

/

The destination we end up at is unfamiliar in the sense of I've never been there, but I know a prison when I see one.

"You don't have to come in; I don't expect you to. I just need to fix things with Glen, he's my brother"

"I'll go with you", I reply. I'm willing to do this because I know she needs me. We get out of the car and walk hand in hand to the prison gate. The guards give Spencer dirty looks, but that's about all they can do to a Carlin besides lock them up, even that proves to be difficult. We sign in and they escort us to the courtyard. We see Glen with his head on the table in front of him looking worn out. When we reach him he looks up and there are dark circles around his eyes. He looks shocked to see us as we sit down.

"Spencer", the exhaustion is evident in his voice.

"Glen"

"Ashley" He looks over at me.

"Hey Glen", I respond, not trying to be apart of this one word conversation. "How are you?"

"I'm not anyone's bitch yet"

"That's always a good thing", I add not sure if I should smile. Spencer has yet to say a word so I put a hand on her knee to help her out.

"I'm sorry", she says.

"Why are you sorry?" Glen asks with confusion and personally he's not alone with that.

"I never once told you how important you are to me, how much I look up to you", she explains. "You are my older brother, nothing against Clay because I love him too, but you and me are blood"

"I've been a shitty brother to you Spence, Clay hasn't"

"Clay wasn't the one who cracked my door open every night when Mom and Dad started closing it because I told them I wasn't scared of the dark anymore even though I was. You always thought I didn't see you, but I did and I started looking for you every night. Glen you may think no one else notices you, but I do. You should know that I will always notice you" There is a long silence between them.

"You never came to any of my games"

"The first time you ever played your team your team lost, but you had the most points in a game in that school's history, the first championship you played your team won 63-50, every game you would make sure Madison was there, I have seen every game you have ever played… you're my big brother did you honestly think I wasn't there?"

"I let you down" Glen and Spencer take a hold of each other's hands. "I fucked up so bad"

"I know, I have too, it doesn't mean I love you any less and I hope the same goes for you. Regardless of what you think I will always need my big brother" Glen manages a smile. "I pulled the plug on Carmen today…" I clean my ears trying to see if I heard correctly. Spencer pulled the plug on Carmen? When? Why?

"Wow Sis…What made you decide to do it?"

"Rowan" Spencer clears her throat and takes one hand from Glen and places it on top of mines. "We talked last night, he thought I was holding her against her will and I realized I was, I was doing exactly what I did when she tried to leave me. I'm done making her unhappy", she says with a hint of sadness. "So I asked Mom and Dad and they talked to the hospital and pulled the plug. We're just waiting on her to…" Glen drops her hand and quickly pulls his sister into his arms.

"Hey Prisoner", a guard yells.

"Fuck off" Glen replies. He holds Spencer and returns the hug; light sobs come from her mouth. The guard hears this and let's Glen get away with his actions. "I'm here Sis; it's going to be okay I promise" They sway side to side as Glen holds her tight. It must suck that when they finally get their shit together, Glen is in here for life. I watch as all the other prisoners are told to their time is up, but the guards seem hesitant to stop Glen's moment.

"Times up Carlin", that same guard says. Glen pulls away from Spencer and wipes her tears before leaning in and whispering something. Spencer nods her head and Glen moves away from her. The guard comes up and cuffs him.

"Take care of my sister Ashley" The guard starts to pull him away, but he stops walking. "Ashley… it does sound like a good name for a girl" The guard shoves him forward and Glen continues walking.

"What did he say?"

"That he'll always crack the door for me when it gets too dark"

/

"Why didn't you tell me you pulled the plug on Carmen?" I ask as soon as we get in the car and Spencer starts the car.

"Because this was something I needed to do… for me and Rowan"

"Still… this is huge and I thought… I thought that something that big you would tell me"

"Ashley can we not do this? This was a decision I needed to make and I need to know that you will just accept it" I don't say anything and she finds her answer in my silence.


	35. Chapter 35

**Thanks for the reviews, some of them made me laugh. They help alot with my confidence in my chapters. Sorry for the delay, I hope you like this new chapter.**

Tiniest Notion

It's been more then a couple of days since Spencer pulled Carmen's plug and Carmen has yet to pass, not that I'm hoping for it, but I hate seeing what it does to Spencer. Amelia left, only Mr. and Mrs. Carlin know where she is. Apparently they worked out something with the school where she can graduate without being there. She left without any goodbyes which I'm beginning to think is a trait of the Carlins. In between her being gone and waiting on Carmen to die Spencer has been a complete wreck. Though she covers it well around Rowan I can see right through her façade. When we are together most of the time she doesn't say anything, she just sits there and watches me. She tries though, for me she tries to pretend like she's happy. She picks me up from school everyday, making my car useless, and even eats lunch at the school with me. Kyla and Aiden found it weird and awkward at first, but then they realized how not there she really is and it became for sad to watch then anything. Spencer and Rowan moved, but they moved so they are equal distance from me and their family, most likely done on purpose. She goes to visit Madison often to help with the anything she might need, taking on the responsibility of her brother. Combine that with the fact that Spencer's been working with her grandfather on god knows what and you have one stressed Carlin that not even CJ could make smile a real smile.

"Clay and Chelsea got engaged", Spencer says with indifference as I clean my room. It had gotten ridiculously dirty in the past weeks, so much so that an odor was forming. So for the sake for Spencer and I's health I decided to have a cleaning day.

"That's great, did they set a date?" I don't hear anything so I look over to the window sill where Spencer is sitting. She is staring at her cell phone and I give up hope on her having heard me. I put down the pile of clothes I had gathered and walk over to Spencer. She closes her phone quickly and looks at me with a fake smile.

"Need help Love?" I sigh at how hard she tries to put up a front.

"I know you're waiting on the hospital to call" I leave out the part where I think she's waiting on Amelia too. She shakes her head and places her hands on my hips.

"It smells horrid in here let me give you a hand" She stands up and leans in to kiss me. Right when our lips are about to touch her phone rings and she jumps back so quickly a gust of air hits my face. "Spencer Carlin", she answers. "What flavor?.... They don't make a pickled flavor ice cream Madison… Okay… Okay… I'll be there in an hour give or take" She hangs up the phone and gives me a look that says 'I hope you understand'.

"Go help Madison, I don't mind sharing my girlfriend" Spencer smiles, what seems to be her first real smile in awhile, the same smile she gave me in the beginning when we met. Even though we never discussed what we are I've started thinking of her as my girlfriend.

"I'm sorry I've been such a fun killer. How about tonight I'll ask my mom and dad to keep Rowan and I'll bring some movies, some food, and we'll make a night of it? I'll even sleep over", she coaxes.

"Will you stay long enough in the morning to officially meet my mother?" She had been avoiding doing it for some time now and I was tired of telling my mother that Spencer wasn't imaginary, even though it does feel like it occasionally.

"Yes, you have my word" That's enough for me so I kiss her and walk to my front door.

"See you later", I call after her when she walks to her car.

"Of course you will", she replies. I close my door and take a seat downstairs, needing a break. The front door opens and I assume its Aiden, he has a key now. Kyla has been in her room all day so I don't expect anymore then a hello from him. I look to the side and watch as he takes a seat next to me.

"Hello to you too", I jokingly greet him. He doesn't say anything so I pinch his side only to have him grimace. "Aide, what's wrong?"

"I thought things were good, I was stupid. He was just being so nice, treating me like he loved me again" I already know he is speaking of his father and I feel my blood boil. Kyla and Aiden had put off their plans to move in momentarily. "He found out I was sneaking out at night, he confronted me"

"Aiden", I whisper. He looks at me lifts his shirt so I can see the large purple bruise occupying his side.

"It's okay Ashley because I finally did it. I stood up to him, I fought back, I wish I could have done it when Jesse was still alive, but I did it" He pulls his shirt down then leans back against the couch. "I stood up for myself"

"Aiden did… did you kill him?" I'm not condoning him, but if so we should probably talk to the experts and see what the Carlins would do. Aiden gives chuckles.

"No, he's still living, unfortunately, but now he knows. He knows I'm a man now and I'm not going to take his shit anymore" He glances in my direction with a smile and I attack him with a hug. He winces and I pull back.

"Sorry Aide"

"It's okay, just gonna take awhile to heal" And for some reason I don't think he was just talking about his bruise. "I feel like we haven't been spending enough alone time together", he says randomly. It's true, there was a time where I spent everyday with him and every second I didn't spend with Jesse was spent with him.

"You got your dream girl; I understand that can cut into best friend time"

"It shouldn't though", he glances in my direction. "We should spend Wednesday together, after school. We'll do something, just you and me"

"That sounds like a plan" Aiden nods his head before we are interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Hey boyfriend, where you been all day?" Kyla skips down the stairs and plops herself in Aiden's lap. He doesn't flinch and I can tell he's become an expert at this. Kyla wraps her arms around his neck and he reciprocates the move around her waist. "Hey sis, where's Sweeney Todd?" Since Spencer has been brooding so much Kyla has taken to calling her names of characters from Tim Burton films.

"She's taking care of Madison and don't call her that" I hit her with a nearby pillow cushion.

"Come on Ashley, it's not like she's been the queen of fun lately"

"Kyla her fiancée is going to die any day now and her baby sister ran off. Not to mention her older brother is in jail"

"Okay, but would it kill the girl to crack a smile, she's the only person I know who can go a whole Family Guy episode without even so much as a smirk on her face. She watched the whole episode with that serious look on her face" Aiden has a look of amusement on his face about his girlfriend's comment. She's not wrong, Spencer kept a straight face and then at the end she just looked at me and said I don't get it.

"She has a lot going on Ky", I respond.

"Yeah, but it shouldn't affect ALL the time you two spend together"

And in a way, she's right.

/

Three hours later I get worried when I don't hear from Spencer. I've sent her text, but I get nothing in response. I practically crush my phone jumping on it when I hear it ring finally.

"Hello", I huff out. Aiden and Kyla stare at me like I've grown a third head, but then return back to the movie we were all watching.

"Hey it's CJ", I sigh in disappointment.

"Hey CJ", I let out tiredly.

"Sorry to be calling, I got your number from Spencer's phone. Ashley, Carmen died an hour ago…" There is a buzzing noise in my ears and her next words sound far away. All I can think about is how Spencer's doing. "Spencer isn't too good, she hasn't left the room and I was thinking maybe you…"

"I'll be there in twenty" Sure I might cause some accidents, but I'll get there. I hang up the phone and find my shoes and keys. Kyla and Aiden watch me, but I just sign to Aiden that I'll be back. I run to my car and get in before speeding off to the hospital.

Two almost accidents later, I'm walking towards Carmen's room, outside the room Rowan is in CJ's arms crying. Madison is looking through the glass window at what I assume is Spencer.

"Ashley", Rowan says prior to barreling into me. Since Spencer and I have been spending more time together I've been spending time with Rowan. The birthday present Kyla, Aiden, and I bought made him an instant fan of me. I hug him tightly as CJ and Madison watch us.

"Where are the rest of them?" I ask to no one in general.

"Paula couldn't do it so they didn't even come up here. Clay and Chelsea left a little while before you came", CJ answers. I haven't spent much time with CJ, but I don't hate her. She's been nothing, but kind to me. I nod my head and pull Rowan away from me gently. I walk over to the door of the room and open it. The first thing that catches my eye is Carmen's body, covered by a white sheet. A chill runs through my body, I never got to see Jesse's body after her death. I didn't get to see my dad's either, but now I'm grateful because even if she is covered, the idea of Carmen being under that sheet makes me stomach turn.

"I don't suggest pulling the sheet back", Spencer's voice floats to my ears. I look up and see her leaning against the wall on the far side of the room. "She doesn't look like herself… not that I expected her too… it's just… different"

"Spencer…" I sigh. I walk over to her and lean against the wall next to her. I lean on my shoulder so I can see her face clearly.

"I guarantee you that there is nothing you could say that would make me feel less like shit", she cuts me off. "Everyone has tried already, I've heard 'there was nothing you could do' and 'things will get better'"

"Have you heard 'I love you'?" I whisper tenderly. Spencer looks at me with watery blue eyes.

"I've especially heard those", there is no malice in her tone, but I can't help, but feel a little burned by that comment. I let the silence take over, not sure of what else to say. "I didn't imagine that it would feel this… painful" Spencer lifts her hand and uses the back of it to wipe her eyes. "I've sat in this room and thought of several ways I could kill myself"

"I know it feels like you don't deserve to live…" Spencer shakes her head violently and stands straight up to face me.

"No it's not that… I don't want to live without her" She clutches her chest and her eyes bare so much emotion in them that it causes me to hurt for her. "At least when she was here, she was here. I could come here and I could touch her and I could pretend she was here. I could pretend that she was just sleeping and at any second she would wake up and we would go back to the way things were. Now… she's gone and I have nothing left in me, I'm not even sure who I am without her" I reach out and take a hold of her hands, bringing her towards me. She keeps her head down and eyes closed as I run my hands softly over her cheeks.

"Spencer…" I say softly. She places her hands on my waist and buries her head in the crook of my neck.

"I love you, I swear I do. I'm just hurting and I'm so scared for you", she mumbles into my neck. I take a moment to relax at her declaration, knowing it might be the last time I hear it, knowing Spencer well enough to know that took a lot. "I'm so scared that I'll hurt you, that we'll fight and something will go wrong. That's not something you should have to worry about, dying because you left the toothpaste cap off" I laugh lightly at her choice of words.

"We don't have to worry about that, I hate when people leave the caps off of toothpaste" She chuckles, for the first time in awhile.

"Me too"

"Okay then that's one fight down, now what's you stance on towels being left on the floor" Our moment is interrupted when Rowan walks in. His head doesn't turn to look at his sister, eyes purely focused on us.

"Can we go home now Spencer?" Spencer pulls away from me and fixes her posture, going back to her usual demeanor.

"Yeah, we just have to walk Ashley to her car first"

"I'll do that" CJ offers. Spencer looks at me looking for my approval. I nod my head and she kisses my cheek before walking off with Rowan, who gives me a small wave goodbye. I walk towards CJ and we begin a slow walk to the elevator. Spencer had apparently parked on the other side of the hospital. "I used to have the biggest crush on Spencer growing up" I quirk my eyebrow at her and she shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know why, I think it was because she was always an old soul even at a young age. She didn't play any games and as you already know, started drugs early. I think it was her adult like ways that made me attracted to her, I was a whore like that", she jokes.

"What happened?"

"Nothing big really, I never told her and she found Carmen. She fell in love and slowly it became okay to just be her friend. It happens when you are young, feelings you once thought were so strong, fade a little", she gives me a pointed look after that statement.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah shoot kid I'm an open book", I grimace at her kid comment and she laughs.

"Do you love her?"

"I do and I always will. She was there for me all those nights when I tried to hurt myself over my parents. She would hold me and tell me that if no one else loved me, she did. That's why after the Carmen incident I still couldn't see her as the monster she portrayed herself as"

"Can I ask you one more thing?'

"Kid, do I look like a teacher?" I shake my head at her question. "Then just ask it, you don't have to ask to ask a question, it's unnecessary" We reach the elevator and CJ presses the ground floor.

"Why did you and Spencer stop talking?" CJ visibly tenses at my words. She leans her body against the elevator wall.

"Because I refused to hate her" The elevator doors open and I know that our conversation is over. I leave the elevator, but CJ stays behind letting me know that her escort service stops here. "I still have business here, I'll see you later kid" She holds two fingers in the air and gives me a short wave with them. The doors close and I head to my car.

I drive slowly on my way home, not seeing a reason to rush. When I get home I only see my mother's car in the driveway, I guess Kyla and Aiden went out. I walk through my front door and see my mom on the couch. She's been gone a lot lately, but she assures me that things won't be like that for much longer.

"Hey Mom", I greet her with a hug when I come in. She smiles at me and cups my face and pecks my cheek in that way that mother's do. I smiles to myself at the thought of my mom attempting to be a real mother.

"Hey sweetie, you just missed your sister" I nod my head and start heading upstairs to my room. "And Ashley" I stop to look at her watching me from the living room. "Just be there for her" I'm not sure what she is talking about, but I say okay anyway. My mom has a tendency to say random things. I open the door to my room to see Spencer Carlin sitting on my bed. She stands up quickly and puts her hands in the front pockets of her jeans.

"Your mom let me in; I promised you I would come back. Who am I to break a promise?" she explains.

"Where is Rowan?" Part of me expected this, her doing something unpredictable, I just didn't think it would be this.

"I told him I had a promise to keep and then I dropped him off at my parents" She stands nervously biting her bottom lip. I realize that she is worried about my reaction to her just showing up. I put toss my keys on my desk and slowly walk towards her. I put my hands on her neck and stoke her cheek with my thumbs. Her eyes close at my touch and I kiss her forehead. She opens her eyes and leans in, her lips connecting with mines. The softness of her kiss warms me in a way that makes me feel loved. Her arms wrap around my waist holding me close to her. Our kissing is light, switching in between long kisses and short pecks. The only sounds that can be heard are our labored breathing. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull us closer together. My heart is pounding in my chest, anticipation for the future. I'm not talking about sex wise, I'm talking about I wonder what our kids will look like type of future. Not that I'm ready for that sort of thing, I'm just ready to spend a lot more time with this Carlin. When I feel Spencer's lips on mines I feel her everywhere, something I can't recall if I had with Jessica. Spencer's right hand runs up my arm at a deliberate pace. When she reaches my hands she takes my left and pulls it from her neck. She laces our fingers together and unintentionally turns me on. I pull out of the kiss and lay my head on her shoulder, knowing that this isn't the right time. Sex has been off of our table for some time now, too much keeps happening. "If the offer is still open I'd like to stay the night"

"The offer is open for as long as you want it. Do you want clothes to sleep in?"

"I hope you don't mind, I brought my own clothes" She points to her bag sitting neatly in the corner of my room.

"Its fine" She walks over to her bag and unzips it. Spencer pulls off her t shirt revealing her bare back I want to look away to give her privacy, but she's beautiful. She pulls a white wifebeater on and unbuttons her jeans. She pulls them off with ease despite how tight fitting they look on her, underneath are her blue boxer briefs. Her hands reach into the bag again to pull out some black silky pajama bottoms. She let's her hair down from its ponytail and before she turns around I pull off my pants. I look up to see her watching me. "It gets hot sometimes", I explain. She nods her head and gets into the bed. I follow her lead, unsure if cuddling is allowed so I face away from her. I feel her arms from behind me, holding me… and then I fall asleep.


	36. Chapter 36

Tiniest Notion

I love night time.

When I was little it was because my dad would tuck me in at night. Then it became because Jesse came during the night. There was the anticipation of having her climb in through my window, something about it just seemed so… exciting. My favorite part was when I would keep my window open every once in awhile and I could feel the breeze from outside. The breeze accompanied with the faintest bit of light from outside would make me feel safe.

I feel it now as I lie in bed. Spencer opened the window when it got hot in my room; she hasn't been asleep since, neither of us has. We are sitting up, Spencer's arm wrapped tightly around me with my hand stroking it lightly. We have been talking, actually Spencer has been talking which is out of the norm so I don't mind one bit. She's been telling me stories about Carmen and even though the girlfriend part of me is raging with jealousy the friend part of me wants to listen to all of them. I want to hear about how Carmen couldn't make anything fried because the grease scared her. I want to hear about how Spencer and Carmen imitated the blues brothers in their underwear (Spencer blushed a little sharing that story with me). My favorite was the story about them taking Rowan to the beach. Spencer said Carmen pulled her out of her comfort zone and although she was always hesitant she never regretted it in the end because it felt like she was living when Carmen was around.

"It's easy to remember the good things" Spencer says after telling me one of her stories. "It's the fights and the yelling that you try to forget"

"As long as the good out weights the bad then it doesn't matter"

"And if it doesn't?" Spencer's eyes watch my hand as I continue my light touching.

"You don't have that problem" I look up at Spencer and she leans down to peck my lips.

"Tell me something about Jessica"

"Everybody she loved she loved with all of her heart. When we were kids we went to the fair and there was this Ferris wheel…" I continue talking and Spencer chimes in every now and again when I tell a story that reminds her of something. Occasionally she laughs and every time she does it shocks me and she laughs at the face I make. This is the most open she's ever been with me and I keep myself from mentioning that to her out of fear that she will close up. After we both share a laugh things get serious between us. "Do you think we will ever be fully over them?" I ask Spencer seriously.

"Love doesn't die just because the people do for all I know we would live the rest of our lives still loving them more then we love each other. They were a big part of our lives, but maybe it becomes less in love and more just love"

"You just referred to us living the rest of our lives together", I mention to her. Spencer's face changes and it appears that she is thinking to herself before she answers me.

"I guess I did" She thinks for a moment and frowns up for a minute before fixing her face. "It wouldn't be the worse thing, would it?"

"No… it wouldn't" I move so that I am straddling Spencer. I brush some hair behind her ear and kiss the side of her mouth. I pull back and Spencer has her eyes closed. "Let me know if this is too much too soon" She doesn't say anything, but something tells me that that's her giving me the go ahead. I kiss her lips softly, breaking the kiss slower and slower each time. Spencer's hands rest on my waist, but her eyes are still closed. I kiss her bottom lip and then her top lip. She kisses back, but not with enough force for it to truly be considered kissing back. Every time it seems like she is trying to savor the taste of my lips. I wrap my arms around her and pull myself close enough to kiss her earlobe. Being this close I can feel her heart beating against me. This is the most vulnerable Spencer has been with me and I'm going to revel in it. I nibble at her ear and her breathing picks up a little. Spencer's lips land on my neck and I pull back to look at her.

"I just want you to be happy", she says. The blue of her eyes is a little darker, but she looks like Glen did before he tried to shoot himself. I start to wonder what both of their lives would have been like if they had just grown up without all the bullshit. What if Glen never hurt himself and he was able to play professional basketball? What if he and Madison just met and fell in love without everything else? What if Spencer never got involved with drugs and she kept her innocence a little while longer? Maybe Carmen wouldn't have tried to leave her. The question that sticks out the most is what if Glen and Spencer didn't have to grow up so fast? If they became close and never stopped being close. "Ashley…Ashley" I shake myself out of my thoughts to see Spencer with a concerned look on her face.

"What if…" I'm cut off mid sentence by Spencer's lips. She pulls away and leans her head against mine.

"Whatever it is I don't care, I'm here with you right now" She moves her hand under my shirt and lifts it up. I raise my hands so she can get it over my head. The top half of my body is bare, but the look Spencer is giving me doesn't make me feel insecure. It's a look that let's me know that to her I am beautiful. She takes off her wifebeater and places both of our shirts on the side of the bed. I pull her pajama bottoms down and she lifts up a little to get them and her underwear all the way off. I put them in the same pile with the rest of our stuff. I stand up on the bed and she sits up to kiss my stomach. She pulls down my underwear slowly and when she gets down far enough I step out of them, holding onto her shoulders for support. I go back to straddling her and feelings of excitement rush through me.

"Is this a good idea?" I whisper.

"I don't know" Spencer says while shaking her head. I pull her into a kiss and she responds more fiercely then before. She bites my bottom lip when pulling away and I cup both sides of her face. Spencer's hands find their way to my thighs and I would be lying if I said the anticipation didn't kill me. When her fingers finally slid into me I felt more complete then I have in a long time. Every movement she made was slow and deliberate and whenever I tried to rush her she would pull out. I admit that this is much better than our first night together. Her lips kiss the down the space between my breast. I close my eyes and she slides her fingers out of me. Her hands come to my waist and she flips us so that I am underneath her. I revel in the feeling of her breast against mine. She kisses my lips and then she sucks on my neck. Spencer trails her tongue down my body and kisses my stomach. She slides her fingers back into me and I lean my head back squeezing my eyes tightly. Her touch is so intense that with every stroke she makes me want to scream how deep my love is for her. She licks my clit with such an agonizingly slow pace that I my mind draws a blank and I cannot process the things she is doing to me. Soon I am begging for release and instead of speeding up her pace she stops and climbs up my body to my ear. She whispers "Say you love me"

And I do…

/

She's not there when I wake up.

I want to be shocked, to believe that she isn't capable of loving me one second and throwing me away the next, but here I am alone. In her place lies a letter, I don't read it because part of me knows what it says. So instead I just lie back in bed and stare at the light from my clock. I don't sleep because that leaves of chance of me dreaming of something that's not Spencer. I choose to fantasize; I daydream about her walking into my room and kissing me hello. I imagine her smiling as I tell her that I thought she left and asking me how I could be so ridiculous. I imagine her lying in bed with me, arms around me tight as we fall asleep.

I don't even wipe the tears as they fall freely down my face.

I don't open the door when Kyla softly knocks on it. I don't go downstairs to eat dinner. I don't do anything that requires me to leave the last spot I shared with Spencer. Kyla calls my cell phone and occasionally I get texts and assume they are from her. Eventually she gets fed up and I watch as she attempts to climb through my window.

"It's locked Kyla", I yell from my bed.

"Then maybe you should fucking open it", she yells back.

"Why would I do that when this is teaching you such a good lesson?"

"What if I fall?"

"Then I assume you die"

"Ashley Davies Mom would not be happy with you"

"Hopefully she tries the same thing you did to yell at me and I have one less person on my ass"

"Ashes…", Kyla's voice is soft, but I would hear that name even in the softest whisper. I sigh and get up to open my window. Kyla climbs in and I have flashbacks of Jesse. "She left", Kyla states as I slump against the window sill, it's nighttime now and the breeze feels good.

"She left a letter", I reply blandly.

"What does it say?"

"I haven't read it… it's on the bed" I watch Kyla as she picks up the note off of the bed. "Read it to me please…", my voice cracks and I wipe a tear from my eye. My leg shakes out of nervousness and Kyla gives me the same look she gave when Jesse died. Like she already knew that whatever was in this letter would break me.

"Dear Ashley… I love you" She pauses to look at me, but I do not meet her gaze. "I love you in the most heartbreaking way possible. I know this isn't how you are supposed to start a letter like this, but I want that to be the first and last thing I say to you. I wish you could know how much it hurts to write every word in this letter. I want you to know that I feel sick to my stomach doing this to you. I want you to know that in a different world I would have married you; I would have loved you with unbelievable enthusiasm. I would have been everything that you are to me now. I would have been excited for our future because Davies let me tell you now that my love would have been unstoppable. You would have had anything you wanted and everything I already had to give you. We would have been perfect together and I want you to believe that like I believe that." Kyla pauses again and I just wave my hand for her to continue. "But it's not a different world and in this world I'm past the point of saving. I love you, but I would rather not have you than have what happened to Carmen repeat itself. Please don't think that this is easy for me, please don't think that this is what I want in the least, please don't think that we were a lie because we were the only truth I believed. You may think this is selfish, but I don't want you to be with anyone else. I don't want anyone else to have the side of you that I had. I don't want anyone else to know what it's like to have your love because I want to keep it. I want to keep any part of you that's possible. You will never know what it's like to have a relationship that is the epitome of everything you have ever wanted and not be able to have it. Davies you are it for me, I'm telling you now that I will never love anybody how I love you. You are my last chance at happiness, but I am not your last chance. I cannot write something that I do not mean so I won't tell you to find someone else, but I will tell you that I am not the logical choice for you. So if you find someone else, someone better, don't hesitate. I'm warning you now that I hate whoever this person ends up being. I'm warning you now that if and when I get my stuff together that I will come back for you and I will be relentless. Because Ashley Davies… I love you more then Carmen….Goodbye…" Kyla finishes and drops the letter to her side as she looks to me.

"Did she think that writing that would make it hurt less?" I fiddle with the necklace around my neck.

"I think she just wanted you to know that whatever you are feeling now… it isn't even a third of what she feels", Kyla reasons with me.

"I just want her… no one else… I just want… I want… I need her Ky", I start crying and fall to the floor. Kyla is quick to my side and she holds me. "Why would…. Why would she do that? I… I… I love her"

"I know", Kyla says to me. "Some people just think they know what's best when reality they just do more damage" I don't respond, I just continue to cry and Kyla just holds me.

(Kyla's POV)

I should have stopped her.

I should have tackled her and demanded she at least tell Ashley to her face. I knew it… I fucking knew it as soon as I saw her on the stairs. You can always tell when somebody is planning to leave for good. I looked at her face and I saw it and she knew. I stood at the top of the stairs and her halfway down with her bag in hand. It was late and I was getting water and I saw her. There was Spencer, with her hair in a mess and her face like stone. I wanted to kill her because I would have been the one to pick up Ashley's pieces that seemed to never want to stay together lately. I would have to watch my sister shut down and here Spencer was, Ashley's savior, walking out of the fucking door like it was the cool thing to do.

Fuck her!

Fuck her for doing this to Ashley during this time, fuck her for leaving when no one else has that luxury. The only thing that saved her at the time was the twitch, there was a twitch in her eye and I saw vulnerability. I saw Spencer in the way Ashley has always seen Spencer. I knew in that second that this would be Ashley's final straw, her breaking point because the heart can only break in so many ways.

At least she looked me in my eyes.

She didn't fidget or try to explain herself, she just looked me straight in the eyes. I felt like she was saying this is the situation… deal with it. Then she continued down the stairs and I had to say something.

"Don't come back" Spencer looks back to me and nods her head before leaving.

I don't want to tell Ashley because that won't make anything easier for her. I don't want her to hate me for letting the love of her life walk out on her. The letter almost made me cry, not her words, but how Ashley reacted to them. Why couldn't she just up and leave? Why did she have to leave a piece of her? I felt like my heart was breaking just from watching her.

Eventually she falls asleep and I almost follow behind her until I hear someone coming up the side of the house. I recognize the face when it gets to the window and duck in the closet as the person knocks on the side of the window, careful not to just come in. Ashley opens her eyes and I hear her ask what they are doing here.

"I missed you", they respond.

"She left me". The person seems shocked, but recovers quickly.

"She never deserved you", they reply.

"They always leave", my heart breaks at Ashley's words.

"I won't", they respond with conviction.

"But you already did Amy"

"I came back", Amy answers.

"You wouldn't have had to if you stayed"

"I wouldn't have had to if you chose me", she's blunt, but I respect her for it.

"You should have stayed and fought"

"Do you think I'm here because I have a climbing fetish?" One beat… two beats pass….

"I missed you", Ashley finally says. Amy walks over to the bed and lays down pulling Ashley close to her.

"I know Rockstar"

They fall asleep and I leave her room comforted by the fact someone else is willing to take care of her.


	37. Chapter 37

Tiniest Notion

I never understood what people meant when they told someone they would die without them.

Until now.

Because as dramatic as that sounds, that truly is the feeling. I can't even get the satisfaction of crying it out because I've run out of tears. At first I felt unbelievably depressed, would pray for school… something… anything to distract me from the fact that she left me. Now I'm at the point where everything about me feels empty and hollow and robotic. My head is never where it should be, it's taken to replaying our whole relationship.

Math has turn into counting the times Spencer said she loved me.

English is pinpointing the moment I could have done things differently.

Science is wishing I could redo those moments.

And I spend my lunch replaying our worst moments.

Amy reenrolled in school without an explanation of where she was. She just told me that she found out Carmen was gone and hopped on the first flight. She never explained why either.

"Ashley…Ashley… Ashley!" I shake out of my thoughts to look at a worried Amelia.

"Sorry, my head was somewhere else" I lean against the lockers by her. She is getting her books for her next class.

"Your head is always somewhere else. I would say you are acting like a zombie, but that would be an insult to them. At least they try to eat people, you just stand there"

"What do you expect Amy?"

"For you to fucking be over it already!" She yells it loud enough for the freshman passing us to turn back and look. "I have twenty bucks that says I can fit all of my school books up your ass if you keep eavesdropping" The kid runs away without looking back once.

"Why are you so pissed off?"

"Because I'm here, I'm right here for you Ashley and my sister isn't. I'm trying to show you that there is a better option, that there is someone waiting to love you. Yet all you can think about is my sister who is off in fucking…" Amy trails off and her eyes get big. It dawns on me that she knows where her sister is. That even though they had a fight Spencer must have kept in touch.

"Amy where is she?" Amy shakes her head and slams her locker shut.

"She doesn't want you", Amy responds before walking off to class. My anger gets the best of me and I attack the lockers nearby until I feel arms holding me from behind. "It kills me to see you like this Rockstar" Amy whispers in my ear and we both collapse to the ground. Miraculously tears appear causing me to sob so hard my body shakes. "God Ashley…"

"Please" Is all I can get out, but Amelia already knows my request and I feel her hold me tighter.

"I can't… and even if I could I wouldn't because I love you too much to give my sister the chance to do this to you again. She's causing more bad than good, why can't you see that?"

"Because I'm in love with her" and that's the best answer I have. That's the only answer I have for all of this. It's the only thing I can be absolutely sure of and that makes the pain in my heart worse.

/

"Want to watch a movie tonight Ashes?" Aiden tries to coax me by using Jesse's nickname for me, but it makes things worse. All eyes are on me at the lunch table with the exception of Amy, who knows me well enough to leave me alone.

"I don't know Aide, I'm feeling tired", I respond.

"No, you are just wallowing in self pity", Kyla says before taking a bite out of her sandwich. Aiden puts his hand on Kyla's back to calm her down, but she ignores it. "She is a bitch Ashley, if she loved you she wouldn't put you through all of this bullshit" She takes another bite of her food. I stand up immediately and knock her food off of the table. I hear Amy say my name, but I shush her.

"What the fuck do you know Ky? You have no idea how much this is fucking killing me. You don't know how much effort it takes to get my ass out of bed. How much it takes for me to just keep from giving up and dying. Fuck you! Because you have no idea what it's like to completely let someone in and let them have every single fucking part of you and have that shit thrown in your face" People around us are starting to look, but it doesn't stop me. "So yeah I'll fucking wallow all I fucking want to because my heart is totally and completely broken" I look at Amy as she watches me with worried eyes. "And I all I want right now… the only person that can end all of this is Spencer" I lean into Amy and whisper in her ear. "You have no idea how much I wish I could be in love with you" I stroke her cheek with the tips of my fingers and her eyes close. "But I'm too broken…" I walk away from the table and get as far as the parking lot before I hear my sister.

"She really hurt you didn't she?" I turn around to face her. I shake my head from side to side, using my arms to hold myself.

"There are moments… when I think of her of us and I have to remind myself to breathe" The pain in my chest comes back. "I think about how she held me and the words she said. She told me she loved me Ky, she made it seem like there would be no more running. Every single moment with her feels like torture now. The whole world just keeps going on and I'm stuck being heartbroken. I just wish it would stop for one second, just one… where I don't think of her" Kyla sighs and slowly steps towards me.

"I saw her leave" Disbelief shows on my face before being replaced with anger.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I was getting a glass of water"

"Why didn't you stop her?" Kyla ignores me and keeps talking.

"And I saw her leaving. We stared at each other and then she left. I told her to never come back"

"Ky, how could you? She probably would have if you didn't open your damn mouth" I march up to my little sister, getting in her face in the process.

"No, she wouldn't have"

"Yes! She would have"

"NO! She wouldn't. She left Ashley, she left you and as much as you are going to try to twist this and bend it, it all comes down to she left. She knew the consequences and she made her decision. Amy is here…"

"She left too", I interrupt.

"She came back"

"Spencer will too"

"Amy only left because you chose Spencer. It must have taken a lot for her to come back. She didn't even know Spencer left and she was still coming back for you. Yeah, we all know that you are hurting, but did you even consider how painful this might be for her. She is in love with you and all you can do is think about her sister" Kyla cups my face and stares into my eyes. "She is only going to be there for so long before she realizes she can find someone else" Kyla drops her hands and walks towards a patiently waiting Aiden and Amy. Aiden wraps his arm around Kyla and they walk off leaving Amy who is watching me. She points to me and makes a circle with her pointer finger and thumb. I nod my head tell let her know I am fine.

"I'm sorry I keep pushing you" She half yells while walking towards me.

"I'm sorry I've been ignoring your.." Amy waves me off.

"No worries, I've gotten use to your bullshit", she laughs causing me to crack my first smile in awhile. She holds her arms out and I walk into them.

"Tell me everything will be okay" Amy pulls away to look me in the eyes.

"You will be okay Davies"


	38. Chapter 38

_**Sorry about the delay and such with the whole taking fifty years to post. I really appreciate the **_

_**comments, I swear they were the things that got me back to writing. I feel like I should explain why it took so long, but I'm not long story type of girl so in short;**_

_**Had a girlfriend of a year**_

_**Me and said girl broke up**_

_**Nasty break up**_

_**Confrontations with her new girlfriend that did not end well**_

_**Police nonsense**_

_**Family stuff which eventually involved me having to move home**_

_**Did I forget to mention that trouble and I seem to find each other google maps status?**_

_**That is all, just felt like you should know it wasn't a whole bailing thing. Feel free to enjoy my attempt at a new chapter.**_

_**Sorry in advance if it sucks.**_

_**Oh... and I own nothing, but Jesse**_

Tiniest Notion

**(One Year Later)**

Time passed.

Prom came, I went with Amelia… as her girlfriend.

Graduation passed and it's no coincidence that Amy, Aiden, Kyla and I all got into the same school. Mr. and Mrs. Carlin donated a shit load of money for us to make sure that happened. Amelia thinks her parents are attached to me and wanted to make sure I didn't go to school too far from home. Now we are about an hour and a half from them, at Cal State Fullerton. A pretty good school if you ask me.

We all live off campus though, in a four bedroom house.

Don't get me wrong, I hope we all stay with our respective partners, but we are smart enough to plan for disaster. In case things go wrong we all agreed to have our own rooms.

Amelia and Aiden weren't the happiest about this.

Kyla and I talked it over and we just want to make sure no one would be left homeless. So far we just finished our first year and everything has been great. Life for once has been drama free.

"Remind again why I can't just move all my stuff into your room" Amy wraps her arms around me from behind and rests her head on my shoulder. Lately she has been pushing this issue more and more. I know it's only because she wants us to take the next step in our relationship.

Our relationship…

It sounds so weird, but it happened. Kyla was right, Amy stayed around and in return I let my guard down. She was patient and caring and everything I needed when I was heartbroken. I couldn't tell you at what point it happened. I remember the transition, how eventually we went from those hugs that lasted a little too long to the occasional kiss. Then one day we were making out… and it was okay. It was so easy to fall into things with Amelia. I swear sometimes that she is a gift for all of the heartache I've had.

"Because you respect my space and you don't want us to move too fast too soon"

"I said all of that?", she smiles and it makes me smile in return. I nod my head and she kisses my cheek. "Then it must be a good idea" I roll my eyes at her words. I turn around in her arms and place my head in the crook of her neck. "My mom called and she wants to talk to me so I have to go babe" I'm about to ask if I can go with before I see Amy shaking her head. "I'm sorry, but it's… about Glen"

"What about him?" Amy gives me a look that tells me she can't answer my question. "Is he at least okay?"

"I hope so", with that said she kisses my cheek and walks out of my room.

But there is still the downside of dating a Carlin… the secrets.

I know Amy hates keeping them, but I can't help, but be annoyed.

"I tell her everything Ky, I mean absolutely everything. She should not be allowed to keep this many secrets. I'm going to start a tally so she knows how uneven this is" Kyla and I are eating ice cream downstairs watching Buffy reruns on logo. She is listening to my Amy rants and letting me get my crazy out. It's hard to believe that we didn't like each other at one point; well technically she always liked me. Jesse was right about her, but then again she was almost always right. Aiden is here too, eyes focused on the screen. I feel bad for him sometimes; I know he needs more guy friends in his life.

"Maybe its you know who related and she doesn't want you to worry"

"You can say her name Kyla"

"No thanks. You ruined that happening when you would bawl your eyes out at anything with an s in it"

"Way to remind me of bad times Sis" I take the tub of rocky road out of her hand and dig my spoon into it.

"I'm just happy that you are happy. You were breaking my heart for a little bit. Amy makes you happy, don't ruin that because the girl has a secretive family" I lick the ice cream off of my spoon while nodding my head in agreement. "Besides… I heard you last night… so your sex life isn't suffering" My eyes go wide and I'm about to attack Kyla when the doorbell rings.

"Lucky bitch" I say to her while getting up to get the door. I swing the door open to see a teen aged boy standing there with his hands in his pockets. He has short black hair that is messy on purpose. He is wearing aviators and a white long sleeve shirt with a hood attached to it. He is wearing blue 511s. There is a guitar case in his hand. "Hey Rowan" He smiles and takes off his glasses.

Oh I forgot Rowan still comes around you can imagine my surprise when Amy told me that we actually moved nearby Spencer. I swear that girl does it on purpose; to be honest I was pissed at Amy when I first found out. She quickly defended herself by saying that it wasn't her place to tell. Now Rowan stops by sometimes after school and after a little bit he calls Spencer and she sends a driver to come get him. I still have yet to see her; I think we both work hard to keep it that way. She talks to Amy though, that's how the Rowan thing happened. They both agreed that he shouldn't have to lose anybody else just because Spencer and I had issues. I'm actually happy about that, I love the kid. He is my backup when Kyla isn't around for me to vent. Even though he is younger, the kid always has good advice.

"Hey Ashes" He has also taken to calling me that. Aiden calls me that occasionally and Rowan picked up on it. I didn't have the heart to tell him not to, but now I'm okay with it. He grabs his skateboard and I open the door for him to come in. He steps inside and places his guitar against a nearby wall. "Family meeting today, Spencer wanted to know if it's okay that I stay until that's over"

This is how me and Spencer communicate now… through a fifteen year old boy. Aren't we being mature? I swear sometimes I feel like we got a divorce and we share Rowan.

"Yeah of course it's fine" I walk back into the living room with Rowan in tow.

"One more thing"

"Yeah?" I ask. Rowan keeps walking towards the kitchen, waving to Kyla and Aiden on the way.

"Spencer is coming to pick me up" My eyes bug out of my head. Kyla chokes on her ice cream and stares at me. I storm into the kitchen and stare at the boy sitting on my counter eating one of the last pop tarts. I plan on yelling at him for that later.

"No" I practically yell.

"Yes", he states calmly. It's moments like this where he reminds me of Spencer and that infuriates me more.

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Ashley no matter how many times you say no my response won't change" He hops off the counter and looks in the fridge for something to drink. "It was a year ago, let it go" He stops moving in the fridge. "Déjà vu" He shakes his head and continues searching. He finds a can of Dr. Pepper and that seems to satisfy him.

"We have too much history"

"Which is why I don't understand how you two expect to keep avoiding each other" Rowan opens the can and takes a sip. He walks past me and heads to the living room, this time I follow him. He takes a seat on the couch Aiden is sitting on and I sit next to Kyla. He signs to Aiden asking what's on tv and Aiden responds with Buffy.

For some reason Rowan prefers Aiden's signing to his talking.

"Besides", Rowan continues. "You are fucking her sister, how long were you really expecting the whole 'you don't see me I don't see you' shit to work" I think I liked Rowan more when he ran away anytime I was around. It's like those moments when a person gets to comfortable around you.

"Rowan, mouth"

"Ashley, ears" He looks over at me with his eyebrows furrowing. "As in I can hear. I know all about sex and that stuff. I use to hear Spencer and Ca…" He stops talking and sips his drink again. Carmen is still a sensitive topic for him. He may have been ready for Spencer to pull the plug, but I don't think he expected to continue missing her.

"_Sometimes I forget that she's gone and it hurts all over again to remember"_ he told me once. There are days when we talk about her, he will bring over a homemade video and we will watch. He doesn't watch it with Spencer; he doesn't want her to be sad all over again.

I enjoy the time though.

Rowan's favorite video is the one with Carmen painting. I've seen it at least ten times.

"Anyway… you both are dating new people so it shouldn't be a problem", he finishes. I know it shouldn't, but my heart drops anyway. I guess a part of me figured she would be single forever, a part of me hoped for it.

Hoped that if she couldn't make it work with me she couldn't make it work with anyone.

Kyla holds out a spoon full of ice cream and I open my mouth and eat it. She gives me a look that let's me know she knows what I'm thinking. Rowan notices my silence and glances at me.

"It's not by choice, the evil ones made her do it" I know he is talking about Spencer's grandparents. They weren't lying when they said they were investing in her future. She is now a full on business woman from what I hear. "She is some daughter of this guy they are trying to merge with. Uptight bitch if you ask me"

"Rowan" I reprimand.

"I'm not sorry, she is. She complains about my guitar and I'm in a whole other wing. Another wing Ashley! How the hell can you hear anything, but your own thoughts in that house?" I smile because I know that's not his main reason. "And I'm like bitch you are not a permanent part of this house. There is bread in the kitchen that's been here longer than you" I give him a look to tell him to watch his mouth. It's weird telling him how to behave makes me feel kind of like his mom and that is awkward. "Spencer was an idiot for leaving you" He visibly slumps and keeps watching TV.

"You are definitely right there"

/

It's a little past eleven and Rowan and I are up watching the rest of the Buffy marathon. Aiden and Kyla went to "bed" a little earlier. Rowan and I thought it was in our best interest to keep watching TV.

"Fuck that Angel guy, she should have been with Spike", Rowan grabs another handful of popcorn.

"Buffy and Angel are meant to be", I respond.

"Yeah which is why they have been working out so well so far", his voice is thick with sarcasm. Spike loves her, the good and the bad. Sure he has messed up with the whole being a creeper and trying to rape her" I laugh out loud. "But he's trying to better himself, to fix himself and he is doing it for her. He got his ass handed to him so he could be more human for her. Fuck he has dedicated so much of his time to pleasing her… he loves her more than Angel" Rowan gives me a look that tells me this isn't just about vampires and slayers in love. He shrugs and continues watching. "I guess I just have a soft spot for the lost ones"

"You and me both kid" We keep watching in silence until the front door opens and in walks Amy with Spencer in tow. It's been awhile since I've seen her, but she still looks the same… just tired. She is in slacks and a button down that has been left open exposing the wifebeater underneath.

I have to admit that she is still gorgeous.

Her hair is wavy which doesn't help me trying to ignore her existence. Amy breaks me out of her spell by coming to the couch and lying flat on top of me.

"Oh how I missed you Rockstar" I giggle and stroke her hair. I can't understand how this isn't awkward for her.

"Hmm I don't feel like you missed me" She looks up and smiles at me capturing my lips in hers.

"Spencer what the hell is taking so long?" A very loud raven haired girl storms into the house. Amy and I pull apart to look at her and Amy sighs. Spencer looks at the girl with no emotion before she answers.

"Waiting on Rowan" She shrugs her shoulders and the intruder with the loud voice grabs Spencer's hand.

"But I'm tired", she whimpers.

"I told you she was a whiny bitch" Rowan whispers when he passes by us. "Bye Ashley, Amy" They head out of the door and I excuse myself from Amy before following them.

"Spencer" I call out. She tells the rest of them to go to the car and she looks at me. I forgot what it was like to have Spencer's eyes on me. I shake off the daze they put me in and she looks me up and down.

"You look good…" is all she says.

"Thanks, you too" She nods her head, eyes still trained on me.

"I'm happy for you and Amy" This time I shake my head and cross my arms.

"No you're not"

"No I'm not", she repeats. "But this is LA, it's based off of false images" She is walking away when I open my mouth. "Yes, I thought about you Ashley", she throws over her shoulders. I hate that she still knows what I'm thinking. I know I'm over her, but I still want to know that I wasn't just whatever to her.

Because she use to be my everything.


	39. Chapter 39

**I know... about damn time I updated. I found some down time and started writing up a storm, the reviews really helped. Also about the Spencer POV I thought that was cool because I was working on one and was about to scratch it until I read that review.**

**Hopefully this update does your wait justice, spashley will come no worries. **

**As for the question what is it like, I wasn't sure whether you were asking about the break up or having a girlfriend.**

**But I'll try to answer it anyway. She was my best friend in the whole world, even before all the nonsense of dating. She was annoying and strange and she had a strange fascination for puzzles. She would call me at random times in the day to ask if I wanted to color with her. She would go out and get wasted and show up at my door at three am and just walk in like she owned the place. She called me annoying nicknames that made me cringe and insist we cuddle when I didn't want to. She had a dog that used to run away everyday and I would spend half an hour chasing it with her at like six am. She would make me watch shitty movies and eat sour patch kids. She had an obsession with water and hated soda when it was reverse for me. She loved listening to "I'd Rather Go Blind" the remake by Beyonce because it was on a mix cd I made her. I hated her taste in music so I was constantly making mixes which you should never do if you ever want to not hate your ipod.**

**Anyway I'm rambling, but it's like having all those annoying things and constantly saying to yourself I can't stand being with that person Then it's gone and you're like what the fuck. You find yourself walking past that person at school or parties or in the supermarket and you pretending like you've never met.**

**But it's cool, I'm over losing the girlfriend more so missing my best friend.**

**Yeah so anyway here is your update, I'll try not to take fifty years next time.**

Tiniest Notion

"Do you still love her?" Amy asks while we are lying in bed together. I shake my head that is currently on her stomach.

"I love you"

"And I love chocolate, doesn't mean I don't care about vanilla"

"You didn't ask if I cared about her" I rub the exposed skin of Amy's stomach. "Of course I still care about her"

"If a bus was about to hit me and Spencer who would you save"

"The chicken crossing the road" Amy jiggles her leg and sighs. "You are being dumb"

"You went after her, I don't want to spend the rest of our relationship watching you chase after her" I look up at her face, my head still on her stomach.

"I love you" She is about to open her mouth when I speak first. "I love you and nothing will ever change that. Now sleep time…" Amy holds me close and we fall asleep in that position.

"_Does Amy know?"The brunette beside me asks. _

"_Know what?"I look at Jesse and she shakes her head knowing I know what she's talking about. "No, she doesn't know that I dream of you. I don't even know if it matters"_

"_Hmm" Jesse scoots closer to me on my bed. I never stopped missing her; I chopped it up to what Spencer said…_

"_**Love doesn't die just because the people do for all I know we would live the rest of our lives still loving them more than we love each other. They were a big part of our lives, but maybe it becomes less in love and more just love" **_

_I dream of Jesse quite a bit lately; she comes to me… at different ages. She never goes pass the age of seventeen of course. _

_It's unfair._

_How she will never reach eighteen._

"_I miss you", I say solemnly. Jesse just looks at me and strokes the side of my face._

"_I know Ashes… I know"_

"_You were supposed to be here, it was supposed to be us going to school. We were supposed to be living in this apartment" She shakes her head sadly, giving me a look she has given me so many times before. _

"_No… I wasn't. It may have been our plan" She gestures between the two of us. "But it wasn't meant to be Ashes"_

"_Who said?" I demand, feeling old anger rise inside of me._

"_The big guy upstairs" She sits up on the bed and pulls her legs closer to herself. "And as much as I hate it, you were meant to be with her. I saw your future and you are so happy Ashes… like you were when your dad was alive. It made everything so much better to see you that happy. It made dying…" I stiffen up at that word. "Less unfair. She is going to make you so happy…"_

"_Amy?" I ask her while sitting up. She smiles that knowing smile and shrugs her shoulders._

"_Sure", she responds. I'm about to question her answer when she gets up and I know our time is dwindling. She opens my window and puts one leg out of it. "Sorry Ashes, last call" She points up and disappears causing me to wake up._

"Hey sleepyhead, have a nice dream?" Amy stares down at me and a part of me is disappointed. I shrug it off, not wanting my girlfriend to sense my unhappiness. I am not willing to risk Amy over a stupid cryptic dream.

"Let's just say it was interesting" Amy grins and before she opens her mouth I cut her off. "And no it was not sex related"

"One day Rockstar you will have a very naughty dream about me"

"Who says I haven't already" I stick my tongue out at her and she leans in to kiss me when I turn away. She grabs my waist and pulls me in close to her as I wiggle around. She nuzzles her head into my neck making me squirm even more. "Stop! You're tickling me"

"I'm sorry I can't hear you", is mumbled into my neck. I try to escape, but her grip tightens. She knows I'm not seriously trying to get away, she knows I'm content in her arms. I finally stop wiggling and she pulls back to look at me. "You have class today" It's a statement rather than a question. Due to my tendency to oversleep I chose classes I know I can make. "I say we skip and stay here" her voice drops lower giving me a not to subtle hint.

Downside of being in a relationship and going to college is that some mornings you wake up with your significant other and you just want to never leave.

Which is the reason Amy does this to me, she knows how much better her offer is.

"No, I have to go to class", I'm grinning while I say this. She knows I'm lying, she knows I have lab today and no one notices when you're gone in lab. I'm taking ceramics for the hell of it, it's my only class today and they let you come and go as you please. Which causes me to leave quite often. Amy doesn't say anything, just stares at me. "Fuck you for being such a bad influence"

"You'll live I promise" She pulls me on top of her and captures my lips in hers.

Fuck… now I'll never make it.

/

It takes four hours before I'm able to fully stop giving into Amy. If there is one thing she is good at, it's negotiating… two if you count that thing she does with her tongue. I take a shower and get dressed before noticing that Kyla and Aiden will be back soon.

Fuck… Kyla.

She is very strict about me and school. That's how she graduated early with us, the girl was determined even before she met Aiden. I think the only reason I'm passing classes is because she is on my ass all the time. Poor Aiden, he got sick once and she stuffed him with meds and sent him to his test.

Her reasoning was that this isn't high school and a cold is no longer a reason for absences.

I tried to argue with her, but Aiden said it was fine. I think he enjoys that she cares so much, plus after they got home she gave him the full nurse treatment.

"Ashley!", Kyla yells from downstairs. My eyes widen in horror, Amy looks the same way and quickly throws clothes on. We head downstairs to see Kyla tapping her foot, waiting at the bottom. "You missed class"

"What?" I'm out of breath and I'm hoping she lets this go.

"It was cancelled", Amy throws out. I nod my head, this seems like a logical explanation. Kyla seems hesitant, but she shrugs her shoulders letting me know I'm in the clear. She walks over to our kitchen. "Don't over use that one, she'll get suspicious", Amy whispers in my ear before pecking my cheek.

/

Amy had to go about an hour ago; she still helps Paula with the shop. She has to work more now that Glen and Spencer no longer work there. Madison gave birth and being a single mom doesn't leave much extra time. Clay also became a social worker so now he has less time too. I feel bad for Amy some days which is why every once in awhile I'll take a shift. I would work more often, but it's a decent amount of driving.

Tonight is Kyla and Aiden's date night, so that just leaves me and Rowan. We continue our tradition of watching Buffy until Spencer gets here. Truly we just watch key episodes and argue, I don't even remember how this started.

"CJ is much hotter than Willow", Rowan says randomly. I nod my head because this is very true. Red heads aren't normally my type, but it works on her.

"How is she by the way?" Rowan shrugs his shoulders in response.

"She's good"

"Good" Rowan doesn't say anything, his eyes stay trained on the television. I don't speak again, we keep watching until the doorbell rings. "I got it" I open the door to see Spencer looking slightly nervous.

"My driver had a day off", she explains.

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"Do you want to come inside?" She looks around first and takes a timid step inside. Once inside Spencer goes back to her normal self.

"Where is everyone?"

"Amy isn't here" The corners of my mouth pull into a small smile. I realize that Spencer is somewhat jealous. "Where is the bitch from hell?"

"I don't know" I notice how close Spencer and I are standing. Spencer does too because she takes a step back, leaning against the now closed door. We hear noise from the kitchen and assume its Rowan getting food. "He's not too much of a hassle is he?"

"Never" It's quiet between us again and I signal Spencer to follow me. We get to the stairs and take a seat. It's silent between us and although my first intentions were to talk to her, I chicken out.

"When did it happen?" Spencer breaks the silence wringing her hands, staring at the last step. I know she is talking about me and Amy.

"After you left me"

"Ashley", she says my name and it does wonders for my heart. I don't know what exactly, but right now everything in me is rioting. I try to control myself; she only said my name for fucks sake. It's just the way she said it reminds me of happier moments.

"_I told Amy I wasn't giving you up" I continue watching her and she looks up at me. "If you're willing to be with me I'm willing to try" I grin and she smiles before shaking her head. "I want to be with you Ashley, but I can't promise it will be easy"_

I shake my head out of the memory and curse myself. Why is it so hard to get over her when she is here? We didn't see each other for a year, she broke my heart and here I am… thinking of her.

"I hate you so much" I mean to say that to myself, but it's vocalized and Spencer just nods her head.

"I know"

"I don't want you to just know. Fuck Spencer!" I choke back my tears. "You have no clue how much my heart hurts being around you… and knowing there is nothing that can be done about it"

"I think I have some idea, seeing that you are dating my sister and all"

"She was there"

"That's not a reason to be with someone" Spencer glares at me, but I'm not backing down from this.

"But it is, because I needed someone who would be there. Amy loves me and she is there for me"

"She couldn't do all that without fucking you?", she says through gritted teeth.

"You left me Spencer…you left me with nothing, but a letter saying filled with bullshit"

"It wasn't bullshit" I let out a mock laugh.

"I wonder if there was ever a time when if someone said they loved someone, it stayed that way" Spencer stands up and turns to face me.

"I wonder if there was ever a time when people didn't date their ex's sister"

"Way to be bitter"

"I could say the same to you. Don't you dare sit here and tell me you don't get some sense of satisfaction from sleeping with her. I know at some point you thought about how this might affect me… and that made you feel better. You can fool everyone else Ashley, but I will forever know you better than anyone else." There is a slight pause. "For the record, you could have come after me" She doesn't let me respond, she knows she has won. I hear the door close and I know she took Rowan and left.

That wouldn't have hurt so much if she wasn't right.


	40. Chapter 40

Tiniest Notion

(Spencer's POV)

"Baby what's on your mind?" Destiny says softly. We are in bed and she is lying on my shoulder, her hands roam my body. I don't bother telling her that I hate it when she touches me like that. I don't bother telling her a lot of things. When it comes to her I just see it as a second job, pretending to like her… it comes easy. Since I never show any emotion she just fills in the blanks however she wants.

"Nothing", my answer is short. My mind is reeling from Ashley, from seeing her. It's strange how my memories of her did her no justice.

"Okay, my father wanted me to tell you that the plan is in effect" I don't say anything; she knows that's good news. My grandparents said I was allowed to leave her as soon as everything is set in stone.

God I can't wait.

At the same time its bittersweet because when she leaves another will replace her. I know my grandfather wants me to be like him, he's ruthless. Not too long ago we bought an after school center for under privileged youths and had it torn down. Clay was so disappointed in me, he begged for me to rethink it, but I kept my face neutral and said it was out of my hands. Needless to say I don't visit home as much, no one happy with my current job choice. I could put a stop to all of this; tell them I'm done being their puppet. But the thing about being a puppet for so long is as soon as you are released, you are lost again.

I'm so sick of being lost.

I'm sick of mindless sluts with money.

I'm sick of working for my grandparents.

I'm sick of Amy with Ashley.

I'm sick of not being with Ashley.

So I do the only thing I can do, I leave a note for Rowan and get in my car to drive to CJ's house. It's not a very long drive, one of the benefits of moving is that I got to move closer to my best friend. She doesn't live in a fancy house, just a two bedroom two bath one story house. It's three am when I get there, but the good thing about CJ is we both function on the same schedule. She opens her door, wearing pajama bottoms and a wifebeater. I walk in wordlessly and head into her backyard; she appears a couple of minutes later with a six pack of Sierra Nevada. She hands me one and takes one for herself. We take a seat in the lawn chairs she has outside.

"I saw Ashley today" I take a sip of my beer.

"How did that go?" We stare at the sky, watching nothing in particular.

"She's still mad"

"Justifiable" I just take another sip of my beer and CJ does the same. The thing I love most about CJ is no matter what, she is honest with me. She doesn't just pick my side because she is my friend; she only does it if I'm actually right.

"She looks beautiful"

"I believe it" I watch CJ draw circles on the arm of her chair. "I'm worried about you"

"Me too"

"I wasn't as worried when you were with her"

"Me too" I never realized how much better I was until I left Ashley. CJ is the only person I explained everything too. I told her how I actually cried writing those words while Ashley slept nearby.

I remember every single word on that damn forsaken paper.

Of course that wasn't the last time I saw Ashley, she doesn't know it, but I was at her graduation.

_(Flashback One Year)_

_I should not be here._

_I should not be here._

_I should not be here._

"_I know what you are thinking and it's too late… we're here already" CJ says from next to me. We chose a distance far enough from curious eyes, but close enough to see. There is a tree blocking the graduates from seeing us and I'm thankful for it. I know I said I would stay away from the young brunette, but this was her special day. She's no longer a kid, she's a woman._

_I didn't have it in me to not go._

_Then add the fact that CJ promised we wouldn't get caught. It's been awhile since I've seen the younger girl and I would be lying if I said excitement wasn't coursing through me. I'm very much proud of her; I even considered getting her a gift. _

"_There she is" CJ points at the stage. I don't hear her name get called because I'm too wrapped up in seeing her. She is gorgeous in her green graduation gown. I can feel my traitorous heart banging in my chest, knowing immediately she is in my presence. "Breathe", CJ whispers._

"_She's stunning"_

"_That she is" My body begs for her and threatens to take a step forward when CJ's hand stops me. I look at the offending gesture and look towards CJ's face. She isn't looking at me and I follow her line of eyesight. Ashley is offstage hugging my sister; I don't think anything of it until I see it…_

_I watch Ashley place her lips, the lips that were once mine to kiss, on my sister's. _

_My heart drops so low that it's quite possible that it's in my shoe. There is a chance that I'm going to throw up so I step back into the shade of the tree. _

"_Spencer…"_

"_Conner" She knows this is serious because I use her first name. "I shouldn't be here" She nods in agreement and we both leave _

_(Flashback Ends)_

"She thinks it was easy" I let out a sarcastic laugh. "She honestly thinks that… leaving her didn't kill what was left of me"

"Isn't that what she's supposed to think?" I guess CJ is right, if Ashley truly knew she wouldn't have let me go so easily. "When are you planning on getting her back? Like you said you would"

"She's happy, I won't wreck that. I won't hurt Amy, I've done that enough"

"All is fair in love and war" CJ cracks open another beer and I do the same. Tonight I'll sleep here; I'm not looking forward to seeing Destiny. "It must suck to be named Destiny and still have people not want you" For the first time in awhile I let out a small laugh. "What?" CJ looks truly confused at my sudden happiness.

"You are an acquired taste", I say after I calm down. We go back to silence and drinking the occasional beer when our bottles are empty.

"Do you think Ashley knows?" CJ says after while.

"Knows what?"

"That you're still in love with her", she finishes.

"Probably not"

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Probably not" CJ and I say at the same time.


	41. Chapter 41

**So my best friend gave me a speech about the unfairness of not updating often. In return because of her speech, the wonderful reviews from people, and the fact that I get to go on vacation to visit my friends in Chico I think an update is long overdue. **

**Hopefully you enjoy.**

Tiniest Notion

"Look my class is all the way across campus and they are waiting at the exits"

"We could make a break for it through the back of the building"

"Some kids already got caught through there"

"What about Aiden?" I turn to see Kyla shaking her head. "They got him didn't they?"

"I told him to buy socks yesterday, but noooo… he thought one was enough"

"So he's a…"

"Yup, Aiden's a zombie" It's that time of year when most colleges play Humans Vs Zombies. You have to love a game that allows you to run around campus. It went on freshmen year, but since neither of us knew the campus well enough we decided not to play. Now we're sophomores and we know almost every building's in and outs. "They got him when he was leaving class, there were like three of them chasing him. It sucks because now I can't hang out during zombie hours"

"Hold on I have a text Ky" It's from Amy.

_**Sorry babe, I work for the other team now ;)**_

"Apparently he is not alone" I show the text to Kyla and she giggles. "What?"

"I'm just surprised she lasted this long"

"Shut up, okay I say we make a mad dash for it. We'll cover each other until we have to break apart. Socks ready?" Kyla and I both hold up our socks. "Go!" We flee like mad women running past a pack of zombies who proceed to chase us. "Don't throw socks, there are too many and we won't be able to pick them up fast enough" I look behind us and see Aiden smiling as he heads towards us full speed. "Aiden!"

"If you tag me we are so breaking up" Kyla's words don't deter him, he gains on us. "Aiden Dennison…. Cut this out this instant" I can tell Kyla is slowing down so I chance it and throw a sock at Aiden. It misses and I curse myself realizing I have to run in a circle to pick it up. Aiden isn't prepared when I stop and head back. I pick up my sock just in time and run. "AIDEN!" Aiden picks Kyla up, effectively ending her run as a human.

He's so not getting laid.

I round the corner and hide in one of me and Amy's make out spots. A few zombies pass me by and just when I'm about to leave my spot I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Gotcha" Amy is smirking at me when she holds her hand out for my ID card.

"You and Aiden planned this didn't you?"

"I cannot confirm or deny such things" She winks at me before throwing an arm around my shoulder. "Walk you to class?"

"I hate you"

/

"And next thing I know Amy tags me like the asshole she is" I retell the story to Kyla and Aiden. Kyla is pouting while Aiden occasionally pokes her.

"You got me out"

"It's a game Kyla" Aiden reasons.

"But what if it was real huh? What if you were really a zombie? Would you eat me first? Huh? Huh?" Kyla is in Aiden's face and I can tell that she is in fact serious about this.

"Why would I be a zombie and not you? I mean no offense, but I'm faster than you"

"Obviously not because you got out before me"

"Because I was running from three guys by myself. If you were there I would only have to outrun you"

"The man makes a point" I shoot Amy a glare for butting in.

"If you stop being mad I'll watch Rent with you tonight" That's a big sacrifice, it's a well known fact that watching that movie with Kyla is hazardous to your heath.

"And you'll sing light my candle with me?"

"You do realize that contrary to the fact that my best friend is a girl I am a man right?" Kyla goes back to pouting and Aiden sighs.

"I don't even know the words"

"It's okay we'll do a practice run"

"I miss when you didn't know I could talk" Kyla jumps up and drags Aiden away with her. Amy and I sit comfortably on the couch snuggling.

"Want to have dinner at my parents?" I lean against her and play with her fingers.

"Depends"

"I don't think Spencer will be there" I told Amy I talked to Spencer. She doesn't know the whole story, but she knows things were said. She knows that I cried myself to sleep that night. The good thing about Amy is she doesn't push. She's just there and that works for me just fine. "Come on, my family misses seeing you on a regular basis"

"Can we leave if she shows up?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Because that means she gets to you" Amy wraps her arm around me. "It means that she can make you feel something still"

"What? Pissed off?" I turn myself so I can see Amy's face better.

"You don't get it"

"Then explain it to me"

"Why do I have to?" Amy's voice gets louder and I move out of her grasp. "Fuck Ashley, I just want to bring my girlfriend around my family. I don't want to have to do espionage on my sister to make sure she isn't coming to FAMILY events"

"Did you forget that I was with her first?"

"How can I when I'm constantly being reminded?" I create some distance between me and Amy. We usually never fight like this and I don't want to start. We had this discussion already, about how it would affect other people (excluding Spencer) if we dated.

"You said you wanted to be with me anyway"

"I did" My jaw drops and Amy quickly scrambles to fix her words. "I mean I do… just… come this once for me" I don't say anything; just nod my head in response. Amy never asks for much so the least I can do is go with her.

"I love you" I don't know what compels me to say it, but I do. I need to say the words, to believe them right now.

"I love you too Ashley" Somehow the words never sound as good leaving her mouth.

/

"Ashley, honey you came. I'm so excited" Paula greets me with a hug and whispers into my ear. "She's in the living room and the bitch from hell is here. Remember to take deep breaths" She pulls away and smiles at me.

Paula is Spencer and I's number one supporter. After Spencer left me she was one of the few people who fully believed in her letter. She told me when Amy announced that we were an item that I chose the wrong Carlin. I informed her that it wasn't something I had a choice in.

"Paula! I brought the wine" CJ's voice appears from behind me.

"CJ…" Paula warns.

"Okay I brought sparkling lemonade" CJ responds sheepishly. She and Amy exchange looks before we all head to the living room. The Carlins got a larger table after they started having more family dinners.

Amy and I take seats next to Madison, Clay, and Chelsea. On the opposite side are CJ, Rowan, Random Bitch and Spencer. Paula and Arthur both sit at the heads of the table. Spencer looks up at me with an emotionless face. Rowan is grinning and CJ has to hit him upside his head.

"Hey Ashley" Clay and Chelsea both speak at the same time. They got married not too long ago, I happened to be one of Chelsea's bridesmaids. Spencer didn't make it, but she sent a gift in her place. Clay and her seem to be avoiding each other.

"This is going to be one fucked up dinner" Arthur, Paula, and Spencer all scold Rowan at the same time. He slinks into his seat, looking very embarrassed.

"Rowan we do not talk like that in this house" Arthur is sitting closer to Rowan which helps his words stick.

"Sorry", Rowan murmurs. I told him his mouth was going to get him in trouble. Paula starts passing around the food in front of us. Arthur's cooking is part of the reason I decided to come.

"I keep telling Spencer we should put him in a boarding school" Random Bitch comments and it makes my blood boil. She doesn't even know Rowan and she is trying to ship him away.

"Destiny…" Spencer's voice is calm, but firm.

"Baby, I'm just saying he's a handful. Plus he doesn't respect me at all; I refuse to be seen as the evil stepmother"

"You aren't my mother". Rowan stabs into his potatoes. "My mother is dead, my sister is dead, Ashley is dating Amy and you are just a consolation prize" CJ nearly chokes on her food.

"Rowan…" This time it doesn't seem like she cares about what he is saying.

"If I recall Spencer left Ashley" This causes my head to snap into her direction.

"Destiny, I would appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut on that issue" I give Paula a grateful smile.

"Spencer, how is work going?" Madison tries to change the subject.

"Yeah Spencer, did you put any more at risk youths on the streets?" Chelsea rubs Clay's back, but he shrugs her off and stares at Spencer. She looks him dead in the eyes, never wavering.

"I'm not having this conversation with you"

"One of them died Spencer! He got shot hanging out with the wrong people" Spencer drops her fork on her plate.

"Did I not state myself clear enough?"

"No, you didn't actually. You had the power to stop that from happening and you just looked the other way!" Amy places her hand on top of mine squeezing it for reassurance.

"Clay what is the point of this argument? The place is gone, the boy is dead. It's all been done and if this meant so much to you why didn't you buy Grandfather out?"

"You know damn well I couldn't afford to" Unfortunately it was known in the family that Clay had the least amount of money. He was the only Carlin child to go to an Ivy League college.

"Whose fault is that Clay?" Clay shakes his head and throws his napkin on his plate.

"Carmen would be ashamed if she was alive now" The comment doesn't faze Spencer, she just keeps watching Clay. "Glen would be ashamed if he knew"

"The guy who murdered that innocent girl? Oh what a shame?" Destiny decides to open her mouth not knowing how many people in this room are ready to beat her down. Spencer grabs Destiny's arm, forcing the girl to face her.

"Do not talk about my brother under any circumstances"

"Or my husband" Madison stands up. "I'm going to check on little Ashley" I can't help, but smile at her words. Madison pats my shoulders as she leaves the dining room.

"I have work tomorrow morning" Clay stands up followed by Chelsea who mumbles an apology when they leave. Spencer and CJ both ready themselves to stand up.

"Sit your asses down. You will stay until I am satisfied damn it" Paula stares at Spencer who does not return her gaze. "You caused this mess you will sit your ass through it" Spencer relaxes into her chair, but CJ stands up. "You too Conner" She sits down dejectedly. "Pass the potatoes please"

"Hey dad, dinner is really good" Amy squeezes my hand lightly.

"Yeah Arthur you should give my mom some pointers. She is in danger of being the first person to burn down a house making cereal" Arthur let's out a laugh and out of the corner of my eye I see Spencer smirk.

"Next time we should have both families here", he suggest.

"That sounds great. Amy sure knows how to keep a girl around" I give Amy an encouraging smile knowing how she gets when Spencer and I are around each other.

"So do kidnappers" CJ mutters. Rowan giggles and Amy lets go of my hand.

"I'm sorry Conner Junior is there a problem?" CJ glares at Amy.

"All I'm saying is did Spencer's car even leave the driveway before you hopped on Ashley's nuts?" Spencer throws her napkin on the table and I can tell she gives up on not being a topic of conversation. It's well known that once CJ starts it's hard to stop her.

"Honey, help me with the dishes?" Paula and Arthur grab everyone's dishes. "Rowan the trash is calling your name"

"I don't hear it" Rowan folds his arms, looking too entertained.

"That wasn't a question", Paula states. Rowan reluctantly gets up from his chair.

"All the damn money in the world and I still take out the trash" Paula snatches Rowan by the shirt and drags him away scolding him for his mouth.

"How long did you wait Amy?" CJ doesn't let up.

"None of your business" Amy leans back into her chair.

"Just like Ashley was none of your business when she was with Spencer"

"I love her"

"SO WHAT!" CJ holds her hands out and frowns at Amy. This whole conversation has "no good" written all over it. "She's your sister for god sakes"

"I loved Ashley first" Amy's eyes plead with mine to say anything.

"I have to use the restroom" Destiny excuses herself and all that is left is the four of us. I try to catch Spencer's eye, but she is effectively avoiding me. I want her to say something, to tell CJ to leave Amelia alone.

"Loving someone first doesn't entitle you to that person" I can see how CJ and Spencer work so well together. They think the same way, the only difference being CJ always says what's on her mind.

"Why do you care? Huh CJ? Spencer is free now so what does it matter to you?"

"You cheeky fucker" CJ shakes her head and stares disbelievingly at Amy. "Yes I love Spencer; she's my best friend first. You see I'm not like you, when Spencer came to me cr…" Spencer clears her throat loudly. "Upset. I didn't jump all over her because I know Spencer loves Ashley. All it takes is to be in the same room with them and you can feel it. I know you can feel it Amy"

"CJ…"

"No Ashley. Do not defend her because you are just as guilty. You could have waited" She points her finger at me and that's when I snap.

"Wait for what CJ? I almost fucking gave up on life because of Spencer" I can tell my words reach Spencer because for the first time tonight she wavers. She shows some sort of weakness and I realize that I affect her just as much. "I waited at the cliffs for weeks" I lean over the table and stare at Spencer. "Why didn't you call? You didn't even have to say anything. I just needed to know that I mattered to you"

"Ashley let's go" Amy's voice is panicked. I know she wants to leave before this goes any further. Spencer doesn't say anything and it just confirms that I don't matter to her. Amy and I get up and yell goodbyes to everyone excluding the two at the table. On my way out I hear Spencer's voice.

"Can you hear it?" Her words stop me in my tracks. I'm instantly brought back to that night that seems like ages ago.

"No…I can't" I take Amy's hand and walk out with her.

That night I cry again for the same reasons… and Amy ignores it. Only this time I wish she hadn't.


	42. Chapter 42

Tiniest Notion

Rowan stopped coming over.

When I asked Amy about it she said it was for the best. She made it sound like the battle lines were drawn. Coincidently the Buffy marathons stopped playing. Amy doesn't go to family dinners anymore; we opt to eat with my mother.

My mother is also a Spencer fan.

Amy started sleeping in her own bed, even after we have sex which is rare now. I can't help the feeling that everything I care about is falling apart. Aiden and Kyla haven't been around as much. Kyla started getting more involved in theater and Aiden decided to get involved track. A sport that doesn't entirely depend on a team. Mostly it's just me and Amy having awkward moments at home. I walk into Amy's room and she is sitting at the keyboard. I watch as her fingers dance across the keys.

"I've been missing you" Amy continues to play a song I've never heard.

"I've been here"

"Amelia… you're worrying me" I take a seat on her bed that she still hasn't made up. "You haven't been sleeping with me"

"You've been crying

"That's when I need you most"

"Me or Spencer"

"That's not fair". Amy stops playing, but never looks at me. "I love you Amy, what more do you want?"

"Why didn't you tell her that?"

"You know CJ just likes to antagonize people" Amy runs her fingers over her keyboard.

"I'm talking about Spencer. Why didn't you tell Spencer you love me?"

"I don't know", I sigh. Amy turns off her keyboard and stands up. I rush to do the same, hoping to convey that I'm here for her.

"I need you to leave" Her words cause more pain than I expected. I feel my eyes water and it feels like I can't breathe.

"Amelia… Amy… don't do this. Don't shut me out" Amy paces her room with both of her hands pulling at her hair. "I need you" The words are small, but I know she heard me.

"I just… I feel like I'm losing you to her all over again"

"You're not, I swear I'm not going anywhere" Amy stops pacing and stares into my eyes.

"What did she mean when she said can you hear it?" A small tear cascades down my face. "What does it mean Ashley?"

"Nothing, I swear it all means nothing" Just hearing those words come out of my mouth causes another tear to follow the previous. "She means nothing"

"Then who are you crying for?" I don't say anything and Amy walks over to her door. "Leave" This time I don't argue with her.

/

My fingers grip my steering wheel until my knuckles are white. I texted Rowan asking for his address which he gave to me with no questions asked. He sent a following message warning me Destiny was home, but that doesn't matter. Spencer is effectively ruining me and Amy and I won't let it happen.

My rage stays with me when I pound on Spencer's door. No one answers and I take to kicking the door. It opens a second later and there is Spencer in a white t shirt and boxers.

"Stop fucking up my relationship" I yell. Spencer folds her arms and leans against the door frame.

"I see where Rowan got his mouth"

"Do you hate me or something? First Jesse now Amy"

"You can't blame me for either of those. They were both repercussions of OUR actions" I clench my fists her words slowly flaming a fire in me. The fact that she is so calm, like she always is, is pissing me off. "Ashley go home"

"I'm not a kid Spencer"

"I can see that"

"Spencer, who's at the door?" Spencer looks behind her and I can hear her telling Destiny to go back to bed. She turns back around and I groan.

"The least you could have done was date someone better than me"

"That's impossible". She's looking at me in THAT way, the way she did back when we were together. My whole body relaxes and I feel exhausted from all of this.

"Please… just…" I'm at a loss for words because technically Spencer hasn't done anything. She has been trying to stay away. "Be honest with me" Those aren't my original words, but I need that from her. She doesn't say anything and I take a step closer. "Please say you don't love me so I can move on and be happy with Amy. This is the moment, right here… you can let me go for good. You can let me go on with my life and I won't look back. I love Amy Spencer" I say the words I wish I would have said at dinner. "I love her so much" I start crying and Spencer stands straight up.

"No" She takes a step closer to me. "I can't do that, I won't do that. I know Amy is a good girl and I know she loves you, but it's too late for her" I shake my head and back away.

"No… you're too late"

"I'm not" Spencer moves closer again. "Don't you get it? We will never be over no matter what we do. I could walk away a million times and still end up right where I started… with you. I haven't had one dream that didn't involve you. I can't go to the cliffs without feeling you there. I've had to get rid of half of my wardrobe because it smelled like your shampoo from you always laying on me"

"Don't do this" Spencer tries to move closer, but I hold a hand against her chest.

"I love you", Spencer chokes out. The tears continue to stream down my face. "And I was at your graduation Ashley" I'm shocked, but at the same time I thought I saw her or at least felt her. "I came back for you and you were with Amy"

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because seeing you two together hurt" I can't take this anymore and I turn to leave when Spencer's hand grasp my wrist. "No, you wanted the truth. You don't get to run until I'm finished"

"Let me go Spencer"

"No" And I know she's not just talking about right now. "You shouldn't be with Amy. She acts like you are a thing, not a person. I have never once heard her refer to you without making it seem like you owe it to her to be with her" Spencer's free hand strokes my cheek and my eyes flutter close. "You don't owe me anything" She's closer now; her breath feels cool against my face. "Can you feel it?" She grabs my hand and places it over her heart. "I promise it's still the same traitor it's always been" I feel her heart beat pound against my fingers. She leans in and her lips are just a whisper from mine.

"There's nothing there" I pull away completely and Spencer just stands there. For once I will be the one to leave her, I can survive it that way. I head back to my car.

"I'm not going anywhere" Spencer shouts after me. This time I hope she doesn't mean it.

/

I get home and head straight for Amy's room. She's lying in her bed, but I can tell from her breathing she isn't asleep. I climb into bed with her and she turns to face me.

"I love you Amelia Carlin", I whisper. "I told Spencer I'm in this" She doesn't respond, she just wraps an arm around me. She doesn't loosen her grip at all during the night and it's nice to know there is one Carlin that won't let me go.


	43. Chapter 43

**I'm back from my mini vacation. It was filled with fun for the most part. I got to see a few of my best friends (which is basically a group of guys with one other girl). I got to party and not be responsible for a little bit and that was a blast. I did get in trouble with this girl because she drove from chico to LA (where I live) roundtrip. Which is literally a thousand miles and she paid for my ticket to go back. But in total not including the trip I spent like six hours with her and I was there for five days. Four of those hours were when we were sleeping together (just sleeping). Needless to say she was quite pissed that I chose to go out drinking with my friends every night. Then I tried to get advice from my friends not realizing that for the most part guys give pretty shitty advice. So now I'm trying to come up with ways to make it up to her.**

**Oh and on my train ride down I met a Justin Beiber/Twilight/ Hardcore religious fan who was not happy with the fact that I personally don't care Jacob or Edward or the fact that one time she saw a Beiber fever sign and it was amazing. I was saved from her by this beautiful mexican girl, I mean my god I've never been one to believe in love at first sight, but damn. She was hot and funny and shared my same interest and she lived ten minutes from me. We proceeded to listen to music together the whole way back and she speaks spanish. This my friends is my perfect woman. **

**Then BAM she tells me she's fifteen and I pump all kinds of breaks. My friends say that due to the cosmetics business and the fact that the average mexican girl looks like a woman it is now required to ID any girl you hit on. I'm telling you, I have shitty taste in women. If they aren't crazy and threatening to kill me there is something else. Unfortunately I attract the crazies.**

**Anyway the reviews were... well great. They always make me feel better and make me work harder on writing new chapters. The ones about Amy make me laugh. Thanks for reading my rant if you did and here is the next chapter.**

Tiniest Notion

She's starting to annoy me.

Spencer that is, ever since that night she has successfully been appearing everywhere. If that's not bad enough, anytime I confront her she just laughs. She laughs! Like this situation is something to find funny.

Amy and Kyla are not amused either. Amy deals with it by walking away usually taking me with her. Kyla always tries to confront her, but Spencer usually finds a way to disappear before then. You would think that she has work to do or she would at least spend time with Destiny, but no.

"Here are my notes from that day you missed", Grace, my classmate hands them to me on our way out. She's one of the few people I talk to in the class. We are walking out of the building and to my annoyance Spencer and CJ are sitting on the benches outside.

"Damn it" The words flow out of my mouth and Grace follows my line of vision.

"She's a hottie" I shoot her a glare and she holds her hands up. Spencer is wearing blue skinny jeans and a white V neck. CJ happens to be wearing black skinnies and a regular blue shirt.

"She's my ex", I sigh.

"Why? The girl is sexy. Her friend isn't too bad herself" Spencer and CJ spot us and CJ waves. I'm starting to think she enjoys pissing me off. "Let's go over there"

"Um no, I happen to have a girlfriend and Spencer… she's…"

"Hot"

"I was going to say trouble"

"Trouble works too" Grace is smiling at the duo and they seem very amused. This is all Grace needs to drag me over to them.

"Ashley, you grace us with your presence" They should invent a word for how much CJ pisses me off.

"Not by choice"

"I told Ashley here she shouldn't avoid such good looking girls" Grace shamelessly flirts with both of them. CJ nudges Spencer who is staring at me the whole time.

"Did you hear that Spencer? We're good looking" I avoid Spencer's gaze by looking everywhere, but at her.

"You look beautiful today Ashley"

"Amy told me already, thanks"

"Amy is Ashley's girlfriend", Grace clarifies.

"You don't say? Spencer did you know Amy is Ashley's girlfriend?"

"Don't be a smartass CJ" I turn to Grace to explain. "Long story short Spencer is Amy's sister and she's stalking me"

"She doesn't look like a stalker"

"Thank you Grace" Grace swoons at Spencer's words and I wonder if that's what I looked like not too long ago. "I'm simply showing Ashley my dedication to her"

"Grace, I'm having a party to celebrate Spencer's…" CJ glances at Spencer. "Independence. We would love if you brought Ashley with you"

"I'm busy", I reply.

"You don't even know what night"

"She's attempting to blow us off CJ"

"Why are you here?" I hiss at Spencer.

"Because I love you", she says it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And I'm sick of pretending that I don't"

"Aww", Grace coos. "Ashley she's so sweet" I shake my head and I spot Amy walking with Aiden towards us.

"Amy's coming go away" The two of them look at each other and chuckle at my words.

"I'm disappointed in you if you think that will get us to go away" I attempt to give Spencer the puppy dog eyes. "You are not a canine, stop it"

"Spencer", I beg.

"Come to the party and we'll leave right now"

"Do you even have friends?" I retort.

"It's CJ's party, meaning her friends"

"You don't even like parties"

"What? Spencer here is a party animal" CJ throws an arm around Spencer. "Promise to come and we are out of your hair just in time for Amy to miss us" Amy is getting closer, but whatever Aiden is talking about is keeping her attention.

"Okay deal" I rush out.

"I'll text you the address" Spencer and CJ both get up and start walking away

"Don't let us down", CJ shouts towards me.

"I like her, she's intriguing" Amy reaches us and I fix a smile on my face. She wraps me in a hug and Aiden stares at the fleeting figures.

"Hey babe", I whisper into her ear.

/

"Grace…Grace…Grace!" I yell into the phone. "I'm not going, but I'll send you the address… Why are you complaining if you can't go either?" Grace gives me some excuse about having a test in the morning. "Because I have a girlfriend Grace, remember Amy… She is not boring" Aiden enters my room and stands by the door. "I have to go… No I won't give CJ your number… Bye Grace" I finally hang up the phone and Aiden smiles at me. "What?"

"What was that about?"

"You know how Spencer has taken to stalking me?" Aiden nods his head. "Well a couple of days ago she invited me to a party" Aiden hums and sits on my bed. He seems deep in thought and it's a minute before he finally speaks.

"I can't shake this feeling that you are with the wrong girl" Aiden's words stun me. We have never discussed how he felt about Amy. Ever since I started dating her Aiden and I have talked less. I just assumed he hated Spencer with a passion.

"I'm happy"

"Ask me how it feels to be with Kyla"

"How does it feel to be with Kyla?"

"I can honestly say she is the best thing to ever happen to me. She is everything I've ever wanted in a girlfriend and so much more. She is a friend when I need her to be and she never pushes. Every time she says she loves me… my heart just… explodes in ecstasy. I love her with every cell in my body and every inch of my soul" Aiden pauses and stares into my eyes. "Happy doesn't even begin to describe what I am with her in my life. It isn't enough to just be happy… happy is so bland. Come on Ashes, puppies make people happy"

"Aiden…"

"Tell me Amy makes you feel half as much as Kyla makes me feel" I don't say anything and Aiden nods his head. "Amy loves you for all of the wrong reasons. I've held my tongue because I didn't think Spencer was committed. She is a stand up woman Ashes, you know this"

"I can't do that to Amy"

"It's not about Amy" Aiden gets up and walks over to my closet, tossing some random clothes towards me. "Get dressed and I'll tell Kyla we're going to go bond"

"Aide"

"This isn't up for discussion. Once we get there if you want to leave we will leave"

"Why are you doing this?" My eyes plead with Aiden not to push this issue. He gives me a sympathetic look, reminding me a lot of Jesse.

"Because if I don't, you won't… and then we'll never know if you were truly meant to be with Amy" He walks out of my room and sigh before going to take a shower.

/

"Is this the house?" Aiden is pulling up near what I think is CJ's place.

"This is the address they gave me" We see lights coming from the backyard and the music is blaring loud enough for me to feel the bass. There are a few people walking up to the house, but the door stays closed. "Shit, there's no parking left" I look towards Aiden and he giggles. "What?"

"You are so excited", he replies with a grin.

"Yeah, I definitely liked you better when you were mute"

"Ashley"

"Yeah Aide"

"Tonight, just try to remember the good times" We circle the block until a space opens up in front of CJ's house. Aiden turns off the engine and we both get out of the car giving each other the once over.

Aiden is wearing regular black jeans and a grey button up. I chose to wear a pair of tight denim jeans and red tank top.

"You look good", I tell Aiden and he responds the same in sign. He holds out his arm and I link mine through his. We get to the door and knock only too see a two big men in security uniforms step out. I go to take a step back, but Aiden stands firmly.

"Ashley Davies", he states. He nods his head towards me for emphasis. One of the men groans and the other holds out his hand. Money is passed between the two before one of them explains.

"I told him you would come" One of them explains. They move out of the way to let us in and come in after us. The door is once again closed which causes me to think that this is a private party. Inside of the house there aren't a lot of people and I stare at Aiden in confusion. The same guard speaks up from behind us. "Don't worry, just wait until you get to the back"

A few people nod at us as we make our way to the back. The music is deafeningly loud and there are a mass of people. It almost looks like a rave with all of the lights and glow sticks. There is a big stage with a DJ in the corner of it and CJ tossing stuff to the crowd. She is wearing a mini skirt and what looks to be a black tank that stops way above her belly button. Aiden nudges me and points to the other side of the stage.

That's when I spot Spencer.

She's dark blue skinny jeans and a black fitted t shirt. She is wearing a black beanie to match. She looks ridiculously laid back, but still better than anyone.

This is what a fuck me outfit looks like on Spencer.

She has green glow in the dark necklace around her neck and she is handing out stuff also. A few girls are screaming at her around the stage, trying to get her attention. She doesn't pay them any mind, but still manages to look polite. That's when it happens, her head turns away from some slut in a dress and her eyes find mine. In an instant she hops off the stage and heads towards me. Various people are attempting to talk to her, but she's determined. She reaches us and greets Aiden in sign. It makes me smile that she learned something. He responds appropriately.

"You look stunning" My face heats up and I attempt to shake it off.

"I'd say the same to you, but there is just one thing" Spencer tilts her head in confusion and I reach up grabbing her beanie. I toss it to the side and a smirk appears on her face. She runs a hand through her hair to fix the mess from the beanie.

"I like it your hair" She raises an eyebrow causing me to fumble over my next words. "You know… blonde hair… it's nice" Her smirk has transformed into a full blown grin. Aiden coughs to cover up a laugh. Luckily CJ walks up to us looking very sweaty, ending my awkwardness.

I never thought I would be thankful for CJ.

"Ashley, you look sexy" I force myself not to roll my eyes. "Spencer here has been looking forward to see you all night. She's turned down quite a few offers from some very lovely ladies" Spencer's grin disappears and her hands are placed in her pockets.

"I'm sure Destiny will be glad to hear that", I retort.

"Yeah, especially seeing that this is their engagement party" My jaw drops and I feel like I can't breathe.

"Engagement party?" I whisper.

"You didn't know? Spencer proposed to Destiny at this cliff she always goes to" She proposed to Destiny at my cliffs? Our cliffs? "It was beautiful. She played guitar for her and the whole family was there and I'm totally fucking with you" Spencer and Aiden both share a laugh. "She dumped that bitch" My face feels like it's on fire and I clench my hands into fist.

"That wasn't funny", I say through gritted teeth. CJ doesn't waver and rolls her eyes.

"It just wasn't funny to you, but at least it proves you love Spencer here" That's it… I shake my head and start to walk away. "Where you going kid? The band is about to set up" I push pass the security, but as soon as I'm out of the door I feel a hand on my wrist.

"Please don't go" Spencer's voice is gentle and her fingers stroke my wrist.

"CJ's an ass" I turn to face her, pulling my hand out of her grip. She gazes into my eyes and I wonder if she heard a word I said.

"This party is about me breaking up with Destiny" I have to force myself not to smile.

"I'm with Amy"

"Have you ever considered that she wants you because I had you?"

"Have you ever considered you want me because she has me?" I retort. Spencer shakes her head and scoffs at my words. "I told Aiden I didn't want to be here"

"Why are you?" A group of girls pass by and giggle to each other. One looks back and winks at Spencer, but her attention is on me. This only fuels the fire for me.

"Fuck you, you invited me" My harsh words seem to hit her and she takes a step back.

"If you want to leave no one is stopping you" She turns around and reaches for the door knob. I'm reminded of the times that she left me. I'm reminded of her temper and the secretive side of her.

_Try to remember the good times._

Aiden's words resonate in my head. I start to remember our first dance together. I remember how she helped me with Jesse's death. I remember how her skin felt against mine and how whole I feel when she is around.

I start to remember why I love her so much.

"Touch that fucking door knob and I'll know it was all a lie" She drops her hand, but doesn't face me. "If you walk away now…"

"What Ashley?" Spencer's voice sounds desperate. This is something I have never heard from her before.

"I'll know that you don't love me as much as I love you" The words marinate between us and all other sounds are blocked out.

"What about Amy?" Tears roll down my cheek at the mention of my girlfriend.

"She was too late" Spencer whirls around at my words and pulls me in for a kiss. Her lips touch mine and a small moan escapes my lips. She doesn't rush; she merely tastes me in the beginning. My lips close around hers and my fingers tangle in her hair. Spencer's arms wrap around my waist, lighting my body on fire. Her tongue slips into my mouth, teasing my own. She pulls it back and sucks on my bottom lip.

Have you ever had one of those kisses that are so slow they feel like torture? This is what this kiss is doing to me slowly. I want more of her and all of my pulling and tugging on her clothes doesn't seem like enough.

She's not close enough.

I want her everywhere, all over me and this is a dangerous thought. I'm picturing a naked Spencer and bed sheets. I'm picturing familiar places and sensations. I'm picturing everything, but an unsuspecting blonde waiting for me at home.


	44. Chapter 44

**Okay I have come to the conclusion that since I'm out of ideas to make it up to the girl I'll just wait for her to forget. That's solid right? I hope the situation with the girl works out in your favor nwlifenwworld123. And hazeleyes I officially learned my lesson with asking my buddies for help. Thanks for the reviews everyone and I'll try to get another chapter out as soon as possible. I don't like keeping you guys waiting so I'm glad you appreciate the frequent updates. Sorry to the Amy fans, I knew there would be some people who wouldn't appreciate Spencer showing up out of the blue. It's part of the reason I didn't want Amy to cheat because I feel like she's suffered enough. I'm excited for new fans and thanks for reading and reviewing.**

**Once again you guys are amazing, thanks.**

Tiniest Notion

This is bad.

This is really bad, but so deliciously good at the same time.

Spencer's lips are on mine, something I never thought would happen again. Air is becoming a serious issue, but I don't want to pull away. If I pull away then we'll have to talk about this and I don't know if I'm ready. If I pull away we'll have to talk about Amy.

Oh god Amy…

I lightly push Spencer away, but she doesn't complain. She takes a small step away from.

"I shouldn't have done that"

"I didn't exactly say no. I can't do this to Amy, she deserves better than that" Spencer nods her head. "After Jesse… I just don't want to…"

"I understand" We stand there in silence and I force myself not to stare at Spencer's lips.

"I want to be with you Spencer; you have no idea how bad. I just can't jump into this with you and risk you leaving again. I need believe that you are going to be around" Spencer allows me to continue, knowing I'm right in what I'm saying. "So I'm going to break up with Amy because you were right… I just hopped into that"

"You haven't had a chance to be single and think through your decisions" I smile because Spencer gets it, she doesn't argue, she just lets it be. "I'm sorry" I think my jaw just dropped. She has not once apologized for what happened, at least not that I can remember. It's funny how two words can completely lift a weight off of your shoulders. "Does this mean that dates are out of the question?"

"No, you can have as many dates as you want", I grin and in return Spencer smiles.

"I'm going to hold you to that" with that said she walks back into the party and Aiden comes out. "I need to go home and talk to Amy"

"About time" Aiden responds and I punch him lightly in the shoulder.

/

I'm praying for the first time in a long time. I'm praying that Amy understands and doesn't make this hard for me because she is still my best friend, besides Aiden. I need her to be okay with what I'm going to tell her. I need her to understand. We made it home and the lights are off in the house. I'm stalling, not wanting to get out and face the young blonde inside. Aiden senses my inner debate and places a hand on my thigh.

I love how in tune Aiden is with me.

Together we walk into the house and Aiden heads for Kyla's room with a soft smile in my direction. I take the seemingly endless walk into Amy's room. She is at her piano stroking the keys softly. She plays absolutely beautifully and I wonder if Spencer is better.

"Hey" My voice is so low I wonder if she heard me over the music. She stops playing and turns to me.

"Hey babe" She looks genuinely happy to see me which makes me feel worse. I'm guessing my face is reflecting how I feel because Amy frowns. "Are you okay?"

"We have to talk" That's when Amy knows, that's when she knows that this conversation will not end well.

"This is a Spencer talk isn't it"

"No… this is a you and me talk"

"Aren't they the same thing? It always comes back to her" Amy stands up, but doesn't come near me.

"I can't be with you anymore"

"Because of her"

"No damn it! Because of me", I shout. "Sorry" I bring my voice down, attempting to not let my frustration get the best of me. "This is about me Amy"

"How am I supposed to believe that? All of a sudden you want to be single when Spencer is around"

"You're supposed to believe me because I wouldn't lie to you"

"So you say", she huffs. "I'm sure you told Jesse the same thing" That's when my anger gets the best of me and I stalk over to Amy and slap her. She recovers quickly and stares at me in shock.

"Don't you even dare pretend like you know what that relationship was like. I loved her"

"It's funny how you keep screwing people over that you love"

"You know… the more you talk the less I feel bad about doing this" My words sting more than the slap and Amy shakes her head. She walks out of the room without so much of a glance back.


	45. Chapter 45

Tiniest Notion

(Amy's POV)

I'm going to kick her ass.

Despite what Ashley said I know this is about Spencer and I'm not going to sit back and let her take Ashley from me. I know this may not be the mature thing to do or a very smart thing seeing that Spencer works out a lot with a boxing trainer.

But damn it I'm still going to kick her ass.

I was finally happy, ASHLEY was finally happy. We were together and everything in our world was perfect. Then here comes my sister who decides "oh hey, you know who I haven't fucked over in a while…Amy". I'm not going to take it this time, this time I'm going to shove my foot up her spoiled ass.

What kind of sister does that?

I know I was trying to steal Ashley away from her before, but that's because I KNOW I can make her happier. She was happier, she was smiling a lot. I'm determined to make sure Spencer never gets a chance to hurt her again. I pull my car up to her place and slam my door when I get out. I bang my fist against her doorbell and eventually Rowan opens the door in his boxers.

"Are you here to kick Spencer's ass?"

"Damn right"

"I don't think I can let you in then"

"Rowan this is serious"

"I can see that, you're wearing your angry face and all" I swear he wasn't this bad a year ago. I think at some point he may have decided to have no filter. "Is this about Ashley?"

"You know?"

"I figured. I'd tell you how, but I'm not trying to fuel your fire. You seem pretty irrational"

"Go get Spencer" I command. I'm done talking to him, he's not who I came to see.

"Did you completely forget the part where Spencer could kick your ass? That's key information"

".SPENCER"

"Did you honestly see dating Ashley working out for you in the end? I mean she cheated on a girl she was in love with for years for Spencer. What made you think you were special no offense?" It's at this moment that I wish I could punch a kid. "They are literally meant to be. You can look at them together and tell anybody who tries to date either one of them is asking for it" I feel tears forming in my eyes and my anger is slowly dwelling. "You knew that, even if you won't admit it. You knew that you were getting in between something that was destined. Yet here you are on my doorstep, looking like shit, trying to pick a fight with your sister because you feel like she took your favorite toy. When in reality you knew all along that if you started something with Ashley the possibility of you getting hurt was high"

"Rowan", Spencer's voice sounds from behind him.

"Amy's here to kick your ass", he says before walking away. There is a long silence between us as Spencer just stands there.

"Ashley's breaking up with me" My voice cracks and Spencer's face softens. "She's in love with you"

It's strange because right now all I want to do is cry in her arms. Spencer is the only sister I have. She has been there my whole life with no questions asked. I wonder who I am supposed to go to when it's my confidant that's hurt me.

"You don't deserve her" She doesn't say anything, she just stares at me. This is what I hate most about her is the fact that it's so damn hard to get a reaction from her. "I love her"

"As do I"

"I love her more"

"I'm not even going to validate that with a response" She crosses her arms and leans against her doorframe.

"I'm here to kick your ass" She chuckles and my anger returns with a fury. "I'm fucking serious"

"I believe you" She doesn't make a move so I push her. She takes a single step back as if a child was pushing her. "Don't", she warns.

"Or what?" I push her again and she repeats her previous movements.

"Amelia, I don't want to fight" There are two ways I can handle this. I can leave it be and walk away or choose the childish route. So I push her again.

I never claimed to be mature.

Spencer doesn't do anything, but look slightly annoyed. I go for another push when Spencer grabs my arms and before I know it my face meets the doorframe. The pain is searing and my hands fly up to my nose.

"Fuck" I look at Spencer and she just watches me as if to say "hey I warned you", it pisses me off. I throw a punch and once again my face meets the doorframe. She continues to hold me while I squirm to get free.

"Stop it, it's going to bruise bad enough already"

"Fuck you"

"I wish you would calm down" She lets me go and disappears for a few minutes. When she returns she is holding an ice pack. "Put this on, minimize the damage"

"It's already too great" Spencer nods her head; she knows I'm not just talking about my face. I snatch the ice pack out of her hands and nurse my wound.

"The first time I saw her, I thought it was a sign" I move the pack so I can still see her face. "I was up on those cliffs and I was thinking about Carmen. I was thinking that that was it for me, that never in my life will someone love me like she did. I was thinking that I messed up our family and Rowan's life. I was thinking about the blood and how it seemed to linger on me even after the incident. I was thinking that there is no way in hell that I'll get a second chance" Spencer looks me in the eyes the whole time. "Then I saw her, I saw her and she spoke to me and in the one moment… for the first time in I don't know how long… I felt worthy of something"

"Spencer…" I beg for her not to continue because I can't hear this.

"You have no idea… no idea… how much she saved me. That girl has the ability to make anyone feel like their worth something. You don't truly get it… because you have never been the bad one… the fucked up one" Spencer rarely curses so it takes me by surprise how harsh her voice sounded. "I'm going to be a murderer for the rest of my life… Glen too. But when she's around… she doesn't see what other people see. She doesn't see this monster that lost her temper. She sees a me that I haven't even become yet, but want to become for her. I love her and I would throw myself off of those cliffs rather than hurt her again"

"Sis…"

"That's all you get from me. I won't explain myself again because I don't owe it to you" I take that as my cue to leave and head towards my car defeated.

Because my sister loves Ashley as much as I do, if not more.

I turn around right before I go to my car and she is still watching after me. I wish this could be one of those moments where I forgive her and we become all buddy buddy, but it's not. Life doesn't work like that and neither do we. Our family has an issue with forgiveness and no one is willing to fix it. Spencer knows this. She knows that our bond has been forever broken. There will be no more sisterly talks about love. There will be no more piano lessons are hanging out. The battle lines are drawn and neither side is giving up.

"You're still my little sister", she calls after me. I know Spencer and I know that's her "I love you" to me.

"I'll never forgive you", I say because I'm hurt and stubborn.

"I know"

And that's it, I get in my car and she shuts her door.


	46. Chapter 46

**I'm glad that everyone has been enjoying the story, sorry this update is slow. I won't lie, I got caught up in reading fanfiction every night. Then I saw Scott Pilgrim which I personally loved. Oh and I started school, met an interesting girl. Why is it that when you swear off women they want to come around in armies? It's nonsense I tell you, but it's okay because I'm just going to keep dating myself. Yup you heard right, I'm dating myself (in a non conceited way of course). But thanks for the reviews although I don't know how to feel about my story slapping people in the face and giving them ice cream...seems kind of bi polar of it. **

**Anyway I love the reviews and I hope you like this chapter. The song is "She is Love", by Parachute**

Tiniest Notion

Over the past few days Amy has taken to avoiding me. I must admit I'm impressed with how determined she seems. She started working for Paula more and investing herself fully in school. The door to her room is always closed when I come home and anything I hear about her comes from Kyla.

Kyla was not happy with my decision.

Aiden had to physically keep her from going to Spencer's house. I saw Amy's face after her run in with Spencer and although I know Spencer wouldn't hurt Kyla, I didn't want Kyla to use that to her advantage.

I'm sitting in the kitchen eating leftover pizza when Amy walks in. We both freeze, hitting the awkward moment after a breakup. The point where you both just want to run anywhere that the other person isn't. She squirms awkwardly and I drop my pizza onto my plate.

"How are…"

"I just came to get something to eat" Amy cuts me off and heads towards the fridge. Neither of us speaks and the only sound comes from Amy opening the fridge. "I'm moving out"

"Amy, you don't have to move out" I turn in my chair to face her.

"I just can't be in the same house with you anymore"

"Amy…" She ignores my plea and takes her food with her out of the room. I admit not having the old Amy around makes me sad. I'm used to hearing her laugh and call me Rockstar.

I finish my food and put my dish in the sink. I grab my keys off the counter and decide to go see Spencer. It's Friday and my class for today was cancelled so I have all day free.

When I get to her house I knock on the loud enough for her to hear me no matter what room she is in. The door opens and before me is Spencer in her work attire. I frown immediately.

"You are wearing your work clothes"

"You would be correct"

"It's Friday, you said you had this Friday off" Spencer gives me an apologetic smile.

"My grandfather is still upset over Destiny, therefore he is working me to death"

"Call in sick"

"I can't just call in sick Ashley, this is my job…my life" Spencer appears slightly sad at saying those words.

"I don't care, you owe me" Spencer rolls her eyes. "Besides… you are always so serious. I think it's about time I showed you how to have true fun"

"Ashley…" I shake my head and give Spencer my serious face.

"You see this face" I point to myself. "This face is not accepting no for an answer" Spencer sighs and opens the door for me to come in. She disappears for awhile and I make myself comfortable on her couch. Over the past few days I've been visiting her and Rowan a lot. I wanted to give Amy space so she can deal. Spencer never complained, she just told me where they keep the house key.

The idea of kidnapping Rowan from school comes to mind and I decide to run it past Spencer when she gets back. After a few minutes she comes back into the room shaking her head and running her fingers through her hair.

"My grandfather is going to kill me"

"In that case I'll make sure today is extra fun" I get up from the couch and walk over to Spencer. I wrap my arms around her waist. "Now go change into something comfortable"

"My definition of comfortable or yours"

"Mine" Spencer pulls away from me and goes to get changed. "By the way we're pulling Rowan out of school"

"Not happening", she replies.

/

"I'm not helping you get him out", Spencer sits firmly in front of the steering wheel. So far I got her to drive to Rowan's school. She parked in the parking lot and said I was on my own.

"I can't just go in there. They'll know I'm not his guardian" Spencer just keeps staring ahead. "Spencer… don't make this difficult"

"This was your plan", she replies with a smirk.

"Fine, I'll get Rowan's help" I pull out my phone and text him.

**I'm trying to bust you out but Spencer won't help**

_**I'll be out in five keep the car running**_

I show Spencer the text and she just shakes her head.

"You are corrupting him"

"That's one way to look at it" We wait and sure enough, five minutes later Rowan is making a break for the car. He throws himself in and yells.

"Go…go…go" Spencer slowly starts the car and drives away at a snail's pace. "You know Spencer; you are completely defeating the purpose of having a getaway driver"

/

"Where are we?" Spencer pulls up to run down building and parks.

"It's an old ice skating rink; the owner was going out of business so my grandfather just bought it" I grin in excitement. "We are tearing it down in a couple of weeks. While I was calling my job I pulled a favor here" Rowan books it out of the car, running towards the building. "He seems excited"

"That was sweet Spencer" She looks like she is on the verge of a smile when she avoids eye contact.

"We should go; someone is waiting on us in there"

We walk in and we are greeted right away by an older man. Rowan is putting on skates on a nearby bench.

"Hello, I'm Daniel… this used to be my place" He gives us a warm smile. "Your skates are waiting on that counter and we have a hot chocolate machine set up. I'm even providing the music"

"Thanks Daniel" Spencer shakes his hand.

"I wish you would keep this place Spencer. I really think that you are wasting something good working for that heartless grandfather of yours", he says sadly.

"He's family" Daniel nods his head and Spencer pulls me towards the skates. I place mine on and Rowan walks awkwardly over to me.

"Race you", he challenges.

"You're on" I get up and we both almost trip trying to get to the ice. I'm a decent ice skater, I'm not amazing, but I'm pretty fast. Plus I rarely fall unless I'm trying to show off. Rowan is better; he skates effortlessly through the ring. I find myself chasing him around the rink; I catch him and keep him in a hold. We both laugh as he struggles to get out.

"This is ridiculous" Suddenly music starts playing. Rowan smiles in recognition and I give him a strange look. "Spencer loves this song", he explains.

_I've been beaten down__  
__I've been kicked around_

I notice Spencer isn't on the ice, she is watching us through the glass. I motion for her to come over and she shakes her head. I skate over to her and place my hands on the glass.

_But she takes it all for me_

"Come out here silly, this is supposed to be fun for everyone"

_And I lost my faith__  
__In my darkest days__  
_

"Spencer can't skate", Rowan yells from behind me. Spencer hangs her head and I frown slightly.

_But she makes me want to believe_

"I'll teach you" Spencer shakes her head.

"I'm pretty much a lost cause with skating", she jokes.

_They call her love, love, love, love, love__  
__They call her love, love, love, love, love_

"Okay screw the skates, just come out here" I start skating to the entrance and Spencer walks in the same direction. Her eyes never leave mine the whole time.

"I think I have less of a chance falling WITH the skates" I giggle and hold my hand out once we reach the opening.

_She is love, and she is all I need__  
__She's all I need__  
_

"Spencer Carlin?" I scoff. "You are the most graceful person I know"

"Unless you involve ice" Rowan jokes as he skates by again. Spencer sighs and takes my hand anyway. Right away she almost falls, but I hold her up.

_Well I had my ways__  
__They were all in vain__  
_

"I got you" I have to admit it's funny seeing Spencer this much out of her element. She tries to steady herself and I skate a circle around her.

_And she waited patiently_

"I think I found you weakness Ms. Carlin"

"This isn't my weakness" She stares at me with this unreadable expression. These are the moments when I wish I knew what she was really saying.

_It was all the same__  
__All my pride and shame__  
_

"So why take me to an ice rink if you can't skate?" Spencer loses her footing again and I grab her arm to steady her.

_But she put me on my feet__  
_

"Because Rowan told me once that you liked it" Slowly we lean into each other when we are both get hit with ice from Rowan skidding to a stop in front of us.

"Rowboat" Spencer and I yell together. He laughs and skates away, I'm hot on his tail.

_They call her love, love, love, love, love__  
__They call her love, love, love, love, love__  
__They call her love, love, love, love, love__  
__She is love, and she is all I need__  
_

I slam into him sending us both to the ground. It's painful at first and Rowan just lays flat on his back with me sprawled on top of him.

_And when that world slows down, dear__  
__And when those stars burn out here__  
__Oh she'll be there__  
__Yes she'll be there_

"You know your appearance is a lie. You are secretly heavy as fuck" I get up, but make sure to elbow him during my attempt. He starts laughing again and we hear a thud.

_They call her love, love, love, love, love__  
__They call her love, love, love, love, love_

Spencer is sitting on her ass on the ice. I get up and skate over to her, crouching down to her level.

_They call her love, love, love, love, love__  
__They call her love, love, love, love, love_

"I'm thoroughly entertained at your lack of coordination here. It's refreshing"

Spencer pulls me down and I end up sitting fully on top of her. I nuzzle my head in the crevice of her neck.

_She is love, and she is all I need__  
__She is love, and she is all I need_

"Ashley", she murmurs while holding me tightly.

_She is love_

"Hmm", is my lazy reply.

"My butt is freezing" I giggle at her words, but she doesn't move to get up. Rowan comes over to us and this time Spencer moves to snatch him down. I'm sure by now his shirt is wet, but he continues to lie on the ice.

_And she is all I need_

"I like today", he says softly. I nod my head in agreement, today is a good day. Spencer reaches from behind me and ruffles his hair. I can't help, but think no wonder Carmen looked so happy in those videos.

I would be too if I had these two.


	47. Chapter 47

Tiniest Notion

(Spencer's POV)

Contentment comes in the form of a young brunette.

It's in the form of her fingers stroking my arm as it rest over her shoulders. It's in the form of her placing light kisses on my arm.

It's in the form of just laying down on the couch with her.

We are watching TV, nothing special, but it feels like enough. Rowan is with us, doing his homework silently. It's in this moment that I know that I can see our life being this way for a long time. I know I have to be patient; I have to wait until Ashley is ready.

She's worth it though.

"I should be heading home soon", Ashley says. I try not to let my disappointment show. I admit that I've been spoiled by her continuous presence. She's here when I get home from work and if she's not, she comes after her classes.

"You can stay you know?" She looks up at me with a curious expression on her face. "I don't mean stay over as in sex, but you can stay" She turns over slightly on her stomach so she can see me better.

"Maybe next time okay?" She strokes my cheek and gives me an apologetic smile. I nod my head and she gets up, holding her hand out to me. I grab it and stand up with her help. She goes over to Rowan and messes up his hair. "Make sure that homework gets done" He moves her hand and fixes his hair.

"See you tomorrow Ashley"

I walk her to the front door and she pauses in the doorway.

"He has a soccer game tomorrow"

"He informed me"

"Are you going?" Before I can even answer Ashley sighs and shakes her head. "He doesn't want much you know? He just wants you to come"

"I have to work" I don't tell her about the business deal I have to attend. My grandfather made it clear that missing it was not an option.

"Spencer" She steps closer to me and wraps her arms around my neck. "It would mean a lot to him if you came, it would mean a lot to me" She's right which is why I shake my head.

"I'll get off early"

"Good", she pecks my lips. "I'll see you tomorrow" With that said she heads to her car and waves to me before getting in.

"So are you really coming to my game?" I turn to face Rowan.

"Yes, but I'll be a little late" He frowns and I know he knows what's going on.

"When are you going to quit?"

"It won't be long" He lowers his head and walks over towards me. Rowan and I rarely hug, but he embraces me now.

"I'm worried", he whispers. I don't respond, there is nothing I can say right now that won't be a lie and I promised myself I wouldn't lie to him.

/

Pure evil comes in the form of a sixty something year old man.

It's in the form of Arthur Carlin Senior.

"You may feel like what we are doing is wrong, but feelings have no place in this business", he states as we wait in the conference room. "This is a dog eat dog world and Spencer we are pit bulls.

I don't bother to mention how this affects families.

I don't mention the at risk youths.

I don't mention the jail time that can come of his kind of "business".

I don't mention that we could burn in hell for the evil he has done.

I just nod my head and wait for the day when I leave this job. He places a strong hand on my shoulder and stares at me.

"Think of the money, the power"

"And our souls?" I murmur. He hears me regardless and leans towards me.

"Souls don't pay bills" He removes his hand and walks around the office holding his arms out. "Look at this Spencer, we own this city. Nobody makes a move without me knowing about it. Our lives are perfect, why can't you see that?"

"I do", I lie.

"Then why would you fuck up and end things with Destiny?"

"I don't love her"

"Who told you love had a place in this?" His face hardens, but I'm not backing down from this.

"Ashley is the one I want and I plan to be with her for as long as she'll have me"

"Honestly Spencer, I thought we were past this dating below you nonsense"

"She is not below me and neither was Carmen" I say with conviction. "She is not debatable so you should get used to her"

"Between her and that boy I don't know where your head is at these days"

"They are my family; at least Ashley will be in time"

"Are you seriously considering marrying this girl?" I'm about to answer when there is a knock at the door followed by my secretary coming in.

"Mr. Carlin, Ms. Carlin… your one o clock is here" My grandfather waves her off. Two men in business suits come in after she leaves.

"Arthur", one of them greets. "Spencer"

"Fred", my grandfather responds.

"I have something you might be interested in" He snaps his fingers and the other man places a suitcase on the conference table. He proceeds to open it and inside is stacks of money.

This is getting old.

"And in return?"

He continues to talk, but I block him out. The less I know the better I feel. I'm only brought back into the conversation when I hear a throat being cleared.

"Spencer can you take care of this?" I look towards the man who I fear I'll become one day if I don't get out.

"Consider it done" He smiles and my heart drops slightly.

/

After the meeting I drive to Rowan's school. When I get to the field I spot Ashley cheering him on with Aiden clapping nearby. I walk up the bleachers and Ashley greets me with a hug.

"You made it just in time, he's on fire" Aiden nods his head in agreement and I turn towards the field. Rowan is speeding by the competition effortlessly.

I'm impressed and proud all at once.

He jukes a member of the other team and kicks the ball into the goal. He glances towards the stands and grins when he spots his cheering section. He sends a wave my way and I smile in return.

"THAT'S RIGHT ROWBOAT", Ashley shouts while clapping. A lady leans down in between us.

"Which one is yours?" I'm about to answer her when Ashley speaks.

"Number nine", Ashley beams. I can't help, but let a small smile appear. The lady nods her head and pats Ashley's back.

"You two must be proud"

Ashley and I share a look before I respond.

"We are", we answer at the same time. Ashley's hand finds mine and she laces our fingers together. She grins and I find myself doing the same and shaking my head.

She makes me ridiculously happy.


	48. Chapter 48

**Yes, I know, it's been forever. I'm really sorry about the wait. First there was the whole anniversary of my godmother's death which always gets me down this time of year because she was literally my favorite person ever. Then my mom got upset that I didn't want to talk about it and I had my little outburst of why couldn't she let things be. After that we decided to celebrate her birthday with tequila which resulted in my aunt explaining how two women can get married and have kids so what was I waiting on. I explained to her that I'm kind of like a theme park. I'm something that's fun for a short period of time. Which is always my warning for women. Speaking of which I've also had about four people tell me my ex is engaged now and asking how do I feel. **

**Well seeing as though I wasn't going to marry her, I figure someone had to. My best friend says I'll end up like Barney from How I Met Your Mother and then there was a rant about how now her and her boyfriend won't have anyone to sit on the porch with. **

**Anyway I no longer have internet, cable, or a phone so posting requires extra effort. Times are shitty lately and now facebook and letters are my only form of communication.**

**Okay back to the reviews, I'm really happy to see that so many reviewers have stayed loyal to this story and that I'm getting new ones. Thank you so much because those are a pick me up when I'm stressing about life. And to Mutt009 I'm glad to see you are back and I hope you are able to continue reading. **

**Spencer will get her life together in time I promise. I'm going to work on having this story come to an end though, I think. Also I admit that Rowan is one of my favorite characters now, I like writing him.**

**Anyway enjoy the story sorry if it sucks or has mistakes, I had to do it in a rush.**

Tiniest Notion

"Ashley, it's the least you can do"

"In case you forgot little sis, I live here too"

"In case you forgot, you completely shattered the girl's heart and didn't even feel sorry for it" Kyla woke me up at seven am this morning to try to convince me to leave the house for Amy.

No, not move out, don't make me laugh.

Amy wants to get her stuff, but without me being here. Why Amy couldn't tell me this herself? I don't know. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stalling on purpose. I don't want her to move, I don't want anybody to move. I love the set up we have here.

"Why can't she stay?" I sigh.

"Would you want to live with Spencer if she dumped you?" I don't say anything and Kyla cups my face. "Of course you would because you're a stalker"

"Bitch"

"Seriously Ash, this is hard on her. The girl she's in love with is dating her sister"

"Nothing is official yet", I mummer into the pillow I've been holding.

"But it will be and how do you think that's going to feel to Amy?" I don't respond and Kyla pats my back. "Maybe this weekend we'll do something. Just the two of us"

"You sure you don't want to hang out with Amy" I stand up and go into my bathroom, shutting the door on this conversation.

"Jealousy doesn't look good on you" I hear Kyla yell.

/

After my shower I walk down the stairs and bump into Amy on my way out. We hit one of those awkward moments again.

"You don't have to move" She shakes her head and attempts to push past me, but I stand in her way again. "You really are one of my best friends"

"Comforting" I don't miss her sarcastic tone. I move out of the way to let her go and head straight to my car.

Spencer's probably leaving for work now; maybe if I call I can catch her. I pull out my phone and call the blonde.

"_Hmph"_

"Are you still in bed?"

"_I am"_

"I thought you have work today?"

"_I don't have any meetings until ten so I thought I would just stay home until then. What's the point of being the boss if you can't take advantage of it?" _

I taught her that.

"I'm coming over to sleep with you" There is a long pause. "I mean…"

"_I know what you meant" _I can tell she's smirking right now._ "You know where the key is, come on up when you get here"_ Before I can respond she hangs up the phone.

/

When I get there I grab the key from its hiding spot and enter the house. I guess Rowan has already left for school which is a shame because I wanted to see him before hand. I walk quietly up the stairs and head for Spencer's room. I push the door open slowly so I won't wake her and spot the blonde passed out in her bed. I realize I don't have any pajamas, but then I notice some waiting for me on the bed.

I swear she's a softie.

After changing I get into the bed with her.

"You're cold", she mumbles.

"It was cold outside"

"You brought the cold inside" Sleepy Spencer is adorable really. I think it's because she's not her regular self. She pulls me towards her and lays her head in the crevice of my neck. I squirm when her breath tickles me.

"Amy's moving out today, Kyla asked me not to be there" Spencer pulls away from my neck, but stays close.

"She's gotten close to Amy?"

"Yeah, I swear she likes her better than me", I joke. She doesn't laugh or crack a smile.

"She doesn't, she's just trying to be a good friend"

"I just hate that it feels like I'm sharing my sister" I lean my fore head against hers.

"You're not. Plus you have me" I'm about to ask for how long when Spencer continues. "Forever" She leans in and pecks my lips.

"Do you have to go to work?" I whine.

"Yes, speaking of which" Spencer sits up and grabs the remote on her dresser. She turns the TV on. I look up to see that she's checking on stocks.

"Really Spencer?" I sigh. She chuckles and gets out of bed.

"I have some stocks I need to keep track of"

"Spencer Carlin always the business woman" Spencer turns and smirks at me.

"Just investing in my future" She winks at me before going into the bathroom. I hear her start the shower and I decide to take a short nap.

/

"When you get off work can you meet me at my mother's house?" I have my arms wrapped around Spencer's neck. I can tell she's about to say no so I continue. "This is really important to me Spencer. If you want to be with me, I need you to do this"

"Okay", she says simply. "Should I bring anything?"

"Just your charming personality"

"I'll pick one up on my way there"

"Spencer Carlin did you just make a joke?"

"I attempted" We are both grinning like idiots.

"It wasn't completely horrible" Spencer shakes her head and leans in to press a chaste kiss on my lips.

"See you tonight" With that said she gets into her car and drives off.

Sadly I head to school.

/

"I'd so fuck Connor"

"I think she prefers CJ" I say absentmindedly. Grace has become thoroughly obsessed with CJ ever since she showed up that day with Spencer.

"I prefer Connor"

"Is it because you're secretly straight and you want to call out a guy's name in bed without revealing your secret?"

"You don't want to go this route. There are way too many things I can make fun of you for" Grace smirks at me and I sulk in my chair. "I'm serious, what's Connor's type?"

"Spencer", I mumble.

"What?"

"Connor used to be in love with Spencer, so I guess her type is Spencer"

"You mean hot, rich, and mysterious?"

"I guess", I shrug.

"Think she'll settle for hot and easy" I chuckle and shake my head.

"Pay attention to the front slut"

"Excuse me… I prefer vertically challenged"

I question my taste in friends.

/

"Mom" I don't hear a response, but I do hear a guitar being played. The song sounds strangely familiar. I walk into the kitchen, but I am shocked at what I see.

Spencer is playing her guitar and Rowan is singing and dancing with my mother.

"_This is a call to the color blind, this is an IOU"_ Rowan appears to be dancing with my mom and I have to force myself not to laugh my ass off. _"I'm stranded behind a horizon line, tried to be something true"_ My mother is laughing like she did when my father was alive. _"Yes I'm grounded… got my wings clipped…. I'm surrounded by…all this pavement" _

Rowan sounds amazing.

My mother sees me and motions for me to join.

"_Guess I'll circle…while I'm waiting for my fears to dry" _

I reluctantly join in and Rowan takes my hand and spins me.

"_Someday I'll fly…someday I'll soar" _Rowan, my mother and I sing at the same time. _"Someday I'll be something much more. Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for"_

I stop dancing to walk over to Spencer. She's really into playing right now and I keep thinking how sexy she looks. She opens her eyes and looks up at me, her eyes smiling just for me. I mouth the words "thank you".

"No problem" she mouths back.

I look at Rowan to see my mother watching him dance. He pop and locks and she claps her hands like this is a concert.

"Dancing skills run in his family. Carmen was an amazing dancer, her mother taught her salsa", Spencer explains.

"That kid is going to have to beat the girls off with a stick", I joke. Rowan stops dancing and bows and my mother claps enthusiastically. Spencer stops playing and Rowan keeps bowing.

"Thank you…thank you…you've been too kind"

I hope his big head doesn't get stuck on the way out of the kitchen.

/

"Where did you learn to dance like that Rowan?" My mother asks during dinner. She made chicken breast with rice and a few other vegetables.

I have no idea where these culinary skills came from.

"My sister taught me how to salsa and the rest I picked up watching dance competitions" He says politely.

"With all those talents I'm sure you must have a girlfriend" Spencer watches Rowan, both of us waiting for an answer.

"I like someone"

"Who?" I blurt out. Spencer smiles and places a hand on my thigh. Rowan looks up at me and goes back to eating.

"Amber"

"The Jacobs daughter?" Rowan stares down at his plate and mumbles a response to Spencer.

"Yeah" Spencer nods her head and goes back to eating.

"I would love to meet this young lady", my mother says happily.

"Me too" I add. Rowan keeps staring at his plate with disheartened look on his face.

"Um…I'll see about it" Rowan and Spencer gaze up and their eyes meet. My mother clears her throat and glances at Spencer.

"So Spencer what are your plans for the future?"

Please don't do this Mom.

"What do you mean specifically?" Spencer questions.

"Do you plan on sticking around?"

"Mom", I chastise. She ignores me and awaits Spencer's answer.

"I do"

"Because I like you Spencer, you make Ashley happy. I also recognize that although Amy wasn't ideal, she was good for Ashley. I want her to be with someone who won't leave her and I would love for that someone to be you. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you aren't pressuring Ashley to grow up faster than needed" I fight the urge to disappear. Spencer just lightly squeezes my thigh to comfort me.

"Thank you Mrs. Davies"

"Call me Christine"

I try to fight the grin off of my face, not wanting to look like a mad woman.


	49. Chapter 49

**Yes, it's been way too long for an update. But it seems that life keeps fucking up my writing time. I had a major midterm in geography that decided my fate in the class. It sucks because I suck at it, I just don't get anything the Russian lady tells me. She starts talking and I immediately start coming up with reasons to turn to the hot girl behind me and talk to her. So far I have come up with "can I borrow a pencil?" "What was that last word she said?" "It's hot out" "Do you have the notes from last monday?" and my favorite "do you have the time?". So if anybody has any better ones you should hit me with them. **

**So anyway thanks for all the reviews, it always amazes me that people keep up with this story. I honestly love the reviews, they cause the good kind of guilt. The kind that says stop playing cod and go post. That way I can continue distracting people from unpacking or doing other important things. I appreciate the new reviewers and I'll try to update more.**

**The three chapters I'm posting are kind of short, but I needed to post them to get to the big stuff. I'm fairly certain you will appreciate the last one or hate it completely. Either way thanks for reading. Oh yeah and this chapter is for my friend Canada. Please excuse any typos and such.**

Tiniest Notion

"Is CJ seeing anyone?" Spencer looks up from her laptop.

We've been silent for the past hour. When I asked to come over Spencer said she had a ton of work to do. It was only after I begged and pleaded with promises of doing my homework did she let me. Rowan went to one of his friend's house and I honestly thought there would be no work.

"Not to my knowledge" She watches me skeptically. I try to keep my face straight especially when Spencer stares harder. "I'm not helping you get her together with your friend" I swear under my breath and Spencer's quiet laughter reaches my ears. It's annoying how well she can read people.

"We could double date?"

"Why does that sound like such a bad idea?"

"It won't be as long as CJ is into Grace" Spencer goes back to typing on her laptop. "Is she into her?"

"She met her for five seconds"

"So? Are you telling me you weren't into me the first time we met?"

"The first time we met I was kind of focused on killing myself". She looks up when I haven't said anything. "Then later on I fell head over heals"

"That's better" She shakes her head and runs her fingers through her hair. I crawl over to her and close her laptop.

"I have work to do", she argues when I take her laptop and place it on the floor. "Ashley"

"Just this one time" I beg. She still looks reluctant so I crawl into her lap. I lean in and kiss her lips.

She pulls away and I'm about to pout when I follow her line of sight. CJ is here with two bags in her hands. Is it stupid that I'm jealous that CJ has a key? She comes and goes as she pleases.

I bet Spencer would have stopped doing work for her.

"I brought groceries for dinner tonight", she explains. Spencer looks at me.

"Are you staying for dinner?" She wraps her arms around my waist, her eyes never leave mine.

"I don't want to intrude"

"You aren't" She nudges her head towards CJ. "She is", she jokes.

"Keep it up Carlin and I'll leave with the groceries" CJ starts walking towards the kitchen.

"I'm going to go home. You two have fun" She leans up and our lips meet. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull myself closer to her. I trace her bottom lip with my tongue, but she refuses access. I pull away frustrated. "Damn it Spencer"

"When you are ready to be with me I'll be ready to have sex with you"

"I wasn't asking for sex, just a decent kiss" Spencer lifts me off of her lap and stands up.

"I know what you were asking for"

"What's so hard about giving me a goodbye kiss?"

"What's so hard about being my girlfriend?" Frustration consumes me; I'm in no mood for fighting.

"I'm not ready", I say while throwing up my hands. I stand up and gather my things. Spencer watches me and groans.

"Have you ever considered that I don't want to sleep with somebody I'm not in relationship with?"

"When has that stopped you before?" The room is deathly silent. I freeze in place, knowing that I said the wrong thing. "Spencer"

"Its fine" Her tone is indecipherable which sends me into a mini panic.

"I didn't mean it" Spencer nods her head.

"We need beer Spencer" CJ's voice sounds into the living room from the kitchen.

"I'll go get some", Spencer yells back. "You should get going" Although I was the one to suggest I leave, it hurts hearing it from her. Spencer and I haven't fought in awhile and I'd hate to leave like this.

"Call me tonight", I say hopefully. Spencer shakes her head as I leave her house regretfully.

/

Kyla is at Amy's new apartment helping her get set up. Aiden said he wanted to stay and hang out with me. We ordered Chinese and watched movies all night.

Aiden has been sitting patiently, listening to my story.

"Why can't I just say yes?" I repeat for what feels like the thousandth time.

"Because before you always thought with your heart and you continuously got burned. Spencer has that effect on you. You recognize this so now you are thinking with your head. She says she will be there for you. You just want to be one hundred perfect sure this time". Aiden glances over to me, "I get why you're doing it, but you can't blame her for being slightly frustrated"

"She's frustrated! She's the one who won't sleep with me"

"Because she wants you to be hers completely first" I scoff causing Aiden to roll his eyes. "Think of it this way, she's not having sex with anybody else. She just wants you; she wants to be able to call you her girlfriend"

"And she will… in time"

The doorbell rings effectively ending our conversation. Aiden doesn't move to answer it so I get up. I open the door to see Spencer standing in front of it. She's wearing a black tank top and tight jeans. It's funny how something so simple stunned me into silence.

"I'm sick of handling things like this", she starts. "I want to be in a mature relationship with you and that involves communication. Our main issue is that we let each other walk away without talking about things. So this is me breaking that cycle" She takes a step towards me. "I'm upset that we aren't official although it's quite juvenile of me. I'm not upset at any of the comments you made, I was just shocked. I just waited so long for you Ashley…"

She doesn't get to finish because my lips are covering her mouth. She kisses back before pulling away.

"Just promise me that I'm not wasting my time. That I'm not hoping for something that will never happen"

"I promise", I whisper.

"I should be heading home" She starts backing out of the doorway. "See you tomorrow Ashley" She turns around and starts walking to her car.

"Or!" She stops and turns to face me. "You could spend the night here"

"See you tomorrow Ashley", she repeats with a smirk. She walks away and I shut the door. When I get back to my spot on the couch Aiden is smiling.

"You guys are going to work"

/

"If I got married would you be my maid of honor?" Kyla asks as she goes through hangers of shirts. This is our first sister day in awhile and Kyla wanted to go to the mall.

"Of course, I am your only friend after all" She shoots me a glare from across the racks.

"What about Aiden?" I stop to think. I never thought Kyla and I would ever become friends. I always thought if Aiden married her I would be his best man…or woman. "See…" Kyla says after a long pause on my end. "You would totally ditch me to be his best woman"

"Ky, I'm his best friend"

"You're my sister"

"I've liked him longer", I counter with a smirk. "Why does it matter anyway? Are you planning on getting married?"

"Eventually" She looks down at the clothes with a smile on her face. A smile I'm sure she reserves specifically for Aiden. "I love him so much. There are some days when I wonder what took me so long you know?" She walks around the rack, her fingers trailing the clothes. "Why did I waste so much time not being with him?"

I don't know if its fate or pure coincidence, but I get a text from Spencer.

**Still waiting…**

No Spencer… your wait is coming to an end.


	50. Chapter 50

Tiniest Notion

(Rowan's POV)

It's one am and Amber Jacobs is a bitch.

Okay usually I wouldn't use that word so openly, but it's true.

I only came to this stupid party because of her. I asked Spencer if I could spend the night at a friend's and she gave me the okay. Then I spent an hour picking out clothes and settled on grey skinny jeans and a black short sleeve button up. I look damn good, but is she paying me any mind? No. She's flirting with Anthony Phillips, student body president. I've been watching her, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her.

I don't want to brag, but I'm on the soccer team. I'm rich, I play the guitar and damn it I'm a good looking guy.

"Dude, just get over her" I turn to look at Damien. He's on the soccer team with me and he never has problems with women. He's tall and black with very short curly hair. There isn't one person at school that dislikes him. He's just a cool guy to be around.

If I had a best friend he'd be it.

"She's just trying to make me jealous" I take a sip of my vodka and lemonade. Damien made it for me. I have to admit I was skeptical at first.

"I don't think that's what she's doing" We both watch as she playfully slaps Anthony's arm. "I hear she's really a man anyway" We share a laugh.

Yeah he'd definitely be my best friend.

"I'm going to go for a walk" I stand up with a stumble, but Damien catches me.

"You sure dude?" I nod my head and make my way out of the crowded house. I keep walking until I can no longer hear the music. My hands are tucked into my jean pockets as a lame attempt to stay warm. After awhile I have no idea where I am so I sit on the sidewalk.

I notice a girl in the middle of the street. She looks about my age; she's mexican with wavy black hair. She's wearing faded jeans with a black hooded jacket that's too big for her.

She's attractive, I guess you can say.

She's dancing with glow sticks; I think she's on drugs.

But she's alluring in a way that makes you want to ask what she's doing out here.

I manage to stand up again, only stumbling slightly. I walk over to her, but she's too entranced in what she's doing. I want to say something, I just don't know what.

"How long are you going to watch me Rowan Carlin" She keeps up her graceful movements.

"Do I know you?" I rack my brain for a memory of this strange girl.

"Everyone knows Rowan Carlin", she replies with a smug smile. "Star soccer player"

"Who are you?"

"In your world I'm nobody"

"Who are you in your world?"

"Rubi, the dancer" I go to open my mouth when she cuts me off. "No, not stripper" I find myself laughing. "What are you doing on this side of town Rowan the Soccer Player?"

"I'm drunk", I respond with a shrug.

"I can see that" She walks over towards me. I'm surprised when her lips meet my own. My eyes close as soon as contact is made.

It's embarrassing, but this is only the second time I've ever been kissed. The first time happened when I was really young. I've been pining after Amber for so long that other girls have been ignored. If I was in my right mind I would push this girl away and go back to the party.

But I'm not and her lips are so soft.

I feel her lips pulling away so I open my eyes to see her staring at me with a small smile.

"Come with me Rowan the Soccer Player"

I don't ask questions I just follow her.

/

"I have a will" I look up from my cereal to see Spencer staring at me from across the table. "Just in case"

"Just in case what?" She stares long and hard at me.

"In case things don't go well"

I can't handle this conversation especially after this weekend. My mind has been consumed with Rubi and how we had sex.

I had sex with a complete stranger. This is not how I planned my first time and that makes me slightly bitter.

I planned on having Amber Jacobs.

"Why wouldn't things go right?" This conversation is not what I need this morning.

"I'm messing with some pretty big people. Also your great grandfather hates losing"

"Do you really think he would have you killed?"

"I plan for everything" She takes a sip of her coffee. "You will be a very rich boy if he does"

"That's not funny Spencer"

"I'm not laughing" There is a long pause between us. I move around the cereal around in my bowl before I speak again.

"You're all I have"

"You have the rest of the family" She stands up and folds the newspaper she had lying on the table.

"You know that's not the same as having you" Spencer grabs her keys. "You're my mom"

She freezes. I've never called Spencer my mom. It's easy to say I'm her son and to other people, but when it comes to us it's different. I can't help, but feel like she sees me as Carmen's little brother. To be honest I used to think of her as Carmen's girlfriend, but the past year… I don't know.

I catch myself wanting to call her Mom. Then I end up feeling like a traitor to my own mother.

"I'm your guardian Rowan" I nod my head, feeling angry at myself for thinking she wants to be called Mom.

"Forget it. It was stupid to think you actually cared that much" I grab my backpack and speed out of the house. The driver is holding the door open for me when I get outside.

/

"She's just giving you space" I told Damien what happened. He's been trying to cheer me up all morning. "I'm sure you just took her by surprise"

"Yeah I guess"

"So did you hear from that girl?" He also knows what happened with Rubi, but I didn't tell him her name.

"Nope, never even got her last name"

"Well what's her first?"

"Rubi" I look to the side and notice Damien stopped walking. "What?"

"You had sex with Rubi Lopez?"

"I don't know if that's her"

"Come on" He starts speed walking and I barely manage to keep up. He takes me to where the theater kids hang out and I see her. She's dancing under the tree as this guy plays the guitar. "That her?"

"Yeah…how did you know?"

"I hear she gets around" He shrugs, not knowing how much his words have crushed me.

I had my first time with the school slut. The bell rings and Damien checks his phone.

"You should get checked Buddy" He hits my chest with the back of his hand and heads off to class.

I don't go to class instead I follow Rubi as she walks with her friends to class. Eventually her friends drop off and she's by herself. I catch up to her and turn her around.

"You never told me you go here" Her eyebrows scrunch in confusion. "What? You get around so much you don't remember me?"

Yes that was a douchebag thing to say.

"First of all" She rips my arm from her grip. "How the hell did you think I knew you played soccer? Second of all where do you get off thinking you know me?"

"I know that apparently you're a slut" I'm really racking up the asshole points, but I can't stop. I've hit pissed and there's no going back.

"Wow…I'm done talking to you" She attempts to walk away, but I stand in front of her. "Move"

"I'm not like other guys. I wanted it to mean something the first time I had sex"

"I know that"

"No you don't! Because if you did you wouldn't have slept with me"

"Yes I do!" The halls are empty so luckily no one hears us yelling. "Amber Jacobs didn't deserve to be your first"

"How do you know I wanted her to be?"

"Anyone with eyes can see that you're her puppy dog. Anyone with eyes can see she doesn't feel the same way" This time she walks around me. "At least this way you had sex with someone who likes you…or used to"

/

Two weeks have passed and Rubi hasn't spoken to me since. Its funny how once you know someone you see them more than you used to. I see Rubi everywhere lately. I had Damien ask around about her and all I've found out is that she's a contemporary dancer.

My locker is actually seven away from hers. I wonder if she knows this. She's at her locker now, but she's just staring at it. Lately she's been acting weird, I've noticed that much.

"Dude do you know that you're always staring at that Lopez chick?" Damien closes my locker and leans against it.

"No I'm not" I reopen my locker and grab my science and math book. "I'm thinking of asking Amber out"

"Good luck with that. She doesn't leave Anthony's side" The bell rings and Damien pats my back. "See you in math" I nod my head and close my locker. I glance to my right and our eyes meet. She slowly makes her way over to me with her books in hand.

"I'm sorry about the other day" She starts crying and my face scrunches in confusion.

I was supposed to apologize right?

She looks up at me with glazed over brown eyes.

"I'm pregnant"


	51. Chapter 51

**Tiniest Notion**

"Rowan's missing" Before Spencer can say anymore I'm grabbing my keys to leave. I meet her at her house where she's waiting outside. "The driver went to go get him and he wasn't there. I looked all over the school Ashley"

"We're going to find him" I find myself for the first time since I met her, comforting Spencer. I wrap my arms around her waist and I can practically feel her heart thud in her chest. She's worried, that much is clear. "I'll drive"

/

We've been driving around for almost two hours trying to find him. We enlisted all of the Carlins and Kyla and Aiden. It's around six o clock when I finally get a text.

**Cliffs.**

"He's at the cliffs…Amy just texted me" I debate whether or not to say anything back. This is the first time she's said anything to me in weeks.

**Thank you.**

Spencer doesn't say anything; she's still looking out the window. She hasn't said much of anything. Where ever she is right now, it isn't here.

We reach the cliffs in no time and I'm curious how Rowan got here to begin with. I didn't even know he knew where this place was. Together we get out of the car and walk up the path that I haven't been to in a year.

We see him and he's sitting by the edge. I hang back so Spencer can have space, but she takes my hand, taking me with her. She lets go when we reach him so she can sit down.

"What are you doing here?" He doesn't look at her; he just stares out at the view.

"You didn't come home"

"It's not like…"

"And I was so scared", Spencer interrupts before he can finish. This time he does look at her. "I was scared that you weren't coming back Rowboat" She rubs her face with her hands. I watch in amazement as tears well in her eyes. "And I don't know what I'd do without you"

"Spencer…"

"I love you so much and I don't care about being blood. I didn't mean it when I said I was just your guardian. You and Carmen were my everything and that didn't change when she died" A stray tear makes its way down her cheek. "I just always felt like didn't deserve to call you my son after what happened with your sister. But whenever people ask… I do tell them that I have an amazing kid"

"I got a girl pregnant"

There is an extended silence on Spencer's part.

"I'm sorry", he whispers.

"That doesn't change anything I said. We'll deal with this, right Ashley?" They both look up at me and I nod my head while taking a seat on the other side of Rowan.

"Yeah we'll deal with it"

"I still love you" Spencer says wholeheartedly. Rowan leans into her and she wraps her arms around him.

"I love you too Spencerella" Rowan glances in my direction. "I love you too Ashley" I let out a soft laugh and playfully hit his leg.

"I love you too Rowboat"

/

"Thank you for coming with me" I look in the mirror of the bathroom to see Spencer's reflection. She's standing there in her red wifebeater and black pajama bottoms. I place my toothbrush in the holder next to hers. She bought it after I started sleeping over more often.

"I love you and Rowan of course I came" She walks up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist.

"I love you too" I lean my head back against her.

"We look good together" Spencer looks at our reflection in the mirror, watching me in her arms.

"Let's go to bed" I turn around as her arms drop from me.

/

"Why hasn't the coach put Rowan in?" I groan in frustration. "Put him in asshole!" Spencer pulls me down to sit next to her.

"Stop it"

"I'm going to go down there if they don't put him in" Spencer lets out a light chuckle. "I'm serious, shit will go down. He's the best player on the team"

"I love you"

"I love you too…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? IF YOU DON"T PUT IN NUMBER NINE YOU FAIL AT LIFE!" Everyone is staring at me as I scream profanities.

They haven't seen anything yet.

"I love how much you care about Rowan"

"How the hell do you leave your best player on the bench?"

"I love how you fit into my family"

"He's going to get splinters"

"I think you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever met"

"Thanks… They are losing, it's not like he could make it worse"

"And you're funny and you break me out of my shell"

"Thank you! They are finally putting him in" I watch as he takes off his jacket and soon the game is forgotten.

Because the back of his jersey says Davies-Carlin.

"I know you haven't even agreed to be my girlfriend" My jaw just dropped as I watch Rowan play. "But I want you to know I want more than that. I want you to be the last girl I date because you're it for me" I turn my attention to Spencer who is still talking. "And I'm not trying to push you into anything. You should finish school and enjoy your time while you're still young. I just want you to know that when you are ready to take the plunge that this time I will catch you. As cliché as it sounds you make me want to try to be better…and I will be better for you"

"It says Davies-Carlin" Obviously I'm in shock.

"We can change that if you want" She smiles at my frozen figure. "Will you marry me?"

The crowd cheers and I figure someone on our side made a goal. Spencer is still staring at me unwaveringly. She's not pleading or trying to talk me into it. She's just asking and that makes me love her even more.

"I love you"

"Are we going back to the beginning of this conversation? Because I don't think I remember most of what I said"

"I love you so much Spencer Carlin"

"I hope that a yes is following that statement" I nod my head enthusiastically.

"You're it for me too" She leans in and our lips meet. I cup her face suck on her bottom lip before pulling away. "We're getting married"

"Eventually"

"Eventually" I pull her back towards me and kiss her again.

Kyla is going to kill me.


	52. Chapter 52

**Soooooooo first off Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all that other stuff. Second yes I'm aware I am a complete flake and I'm owning up to that. And thirdly I am thankful for all the new readers and I'd like to apologize for any future lack of consistency. To be honest I've been doing this brooding thing lately over some things in my life and then I got the review from Amazed and I was like oh shit...I'm kind of being a self centered (insert whatever word you feel fits here). I talked to my "wife" about it and she told me I was being dumb. Then there was something about driving eight hours to beat me up or something like that. So I've been spending time working on this post so I could have it up by Christmas. I really do love the reviews you guys leave and maybe my new years resolution will be to keep up with my shit. **

**So yeah I'm sorry if this post sucks beforehand...the next set will be better.**

**And I hope everyone has fun bringing in the new year. I might be bringing it in at Together As One so yeah...**

**Post...**

**Tiniest Notion**

"We're engaged"

"You keep saying it like it's going to change" I'm keeping the lamp on Spencer's nightstand on so I can keep looking at my ring.

Yeah it's the kind of ice that sank the Titanic.

"How long are you going to stare at it?"

"I haven't decided yet" Her laugh shakes my head as it rests on her chest. "I love you"

"Are you talking to me or the ring?"

"Both" She runs her hands across my stomach where my shirt has ridden up. "Kyla is going to kill me"

"Should I have asked for her permission? I asked your mother and she seemed fine with it"

"You asked my mom?" I look up to see her nod.

"And your dad…although I just assumed he was okay with it" I lean up enough to peck her lips.

"Thank you"

"I did it for us…no thanks necessary" I sit up to turn off the light and then lie back down in Spencer's arms.

"I get out early Tuesday; we can move my stuff in then"

"I have to work all day, but you can move in your stuff anyway. That way when I get home, I'll be coming home to you"

"I like that idea. I can enlist Aiden to help" If I survive telling Kyla. She will not like the idea of me marrying Spencer.

"And Rowan"

I smile as I think back to earlier today after Rowan's game. He basically barreled into me saying that I better had said yes. He eventually stopped hugging me and started hugging Spencer.

"I think he's happier than me"

"He really loves you" Spencer stays silent. "He's going to be a dad"

"He is"

"We're going to be grandparents" Right when I'm about to have my freakout Spencer kisses me. All other thoughts are abandoned when her hand slides under my shirt.

"You're just doing this to keep me from freaking out", I breathe out when Spencer takes her attack to my neck.

"I plead the fifth"

/

"Let me out of here" After a talk with Aiden we decided that the best way to tell Kyla is behind a closed door. So we've been holding the handle to the bathroom for the past twenty minutes.

"Kyla I have to tell you something"

"Okay let me out and we'll talk" Aiden switches with me so I can talk to her while he holds the doorknob.

"I can't do that"

"Aiden let me out of here" He looks pleadingly in my direction. I shake my head so he keeps his grip.

It feels good to know that Aiden has my back.

"Kyla I'm getting married" The banging on the door ceases. "Spencer asked me and I said yes" Still no sound. "I love her" Aiden raises his eyebrow before cracking the door open. We both look inside to see Kyla standing there with her mouth wide open. "Ky?"

I don't even have time to react before she tackles me.

"Are you insane?" She screams as we roll around on the floor. "She left you… she's an inconsiderate asshole…what is wrong with you?" I'm finally able to flip us around so that I'm on top.

"Kyla… I love her and Rowan….and they love me"

"Amy loves you"

"Ky… she was too late"

"So you're really going through with this?" After Kyla calmed down we sent Aiden to pick up dinner so we could talk.

"Yeah I am…she's changed for the better" Kyla nods her head and takes a sip of her coffee.

"You're moving out?" I shake my head. "So you're leaving me?"

"Ky you're still my sister, me moving out isn't going to change that"

"Yeah, but you like Aiden better"

"But Aiden isn't going to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding" It takes a minute for my words to dawn on her, but when they do she grins.

"What about Aiden?"

"He'll understand" She puts down her cup and wraps her arms around me.

"I'm in the mood for some sister bonding"

"We can do that"

/

Tonight is the big family dinner and I am incredibly nervous.

All the Carlins and Davies under one roof… I can see this going horribly wrong. I didn't want this to happen, but Spencer organized it. She kept saying that we should tell everyone all together, although my family already knows.

"Don't be nervous" I ignore Spencer and keep staring at my reflection. I really wish I had an awkward dinner outfit. I opted to wear a long sleeve red v neck with a white shirt underneath. I topped it off with my dark blue jeans.

I think I look like a hussy.

"You look fine", Spencer groans. She wraps her arms around my waist. "Better than fine. You look stunning"

Spencer is wearing the same outfit she went to work in. Unfortunately her grandfather has been purposely working her late all weekend. She suspects he found out about us. He had her running around town all day and it shows. I've seen her yawn six times since I came over.

"He's trying to kill you" I turn around in her arms and she rests her forehead against my own.

"No, he's just getting started", she mumbles. She closes her eyes for what I'm sure she thinks is a minute, but is actually five.

"Spencer…honey" She opens her eyes and I'm greeted by tired blue eyes. "We should reschedule" She shakes her head.

"I'll sleep when I'm dead" She moves away from me and drags herself out of the bedroom. I follow behind and bump into Rowan who is just coming out of his room. He's texting on his phone so the bump doesn't even faze him.

"Off the phone Rowboat"

"She's not answering my texts. What is it against the law to ask a girl to pee on a stick for you?" I smack the back of his head.

"Tell me you didn't tell her to take a pregnancy test?"

"If she's pregnant I'm sure she's pissing up a storm anyway. She can't shove that little stick in there while she's at it" I smack him again and take his cellphone.

"First, no more texting her asshole things. Second, we are getting you a baby book because you obviously have no idea about anything involving pregnancy"

"I'm fifteen, why would I?"

"Exactly, and if you would have kept it in your pants you would never have to know" I straighten out the collar on his black polo. "Get into the car and make sure Spencer is in the passenger seat"

I watch Rowan go down the stairs and let out a huge breath.

"We are fucked"

/

"Spencer, Ashley, Rowan! It's so good to see you" Paula hugs all of us and steps aside to let us in. My mom, Kyla, and Aiden are already here looking unusually comfortable. I spot the wine on living room table and it makes sense. "I'm so excited; we haven't had a good family dinner in such a long time"

"Spencer!" Arthur comes out of the kitchen wearing his apron. He hugs Spencer and then the rest of us. "I pulled out my best recipes for tonight" We join the rest of the family in the living room. Madison is bouncing Ashley on her lap.

"Say hello to Auntie Ashley" I sit next to Madison and she hands me the baby. I swear she is the cutest baby ever. She has light brown hair and blue eyes. She's going to be a heartbreaker when she gets older.

"Hey cutie" I lift her in the air and make faces until she smiles. "You are the cutest baby I've ever seen" .Spencer and Aiden have somehow struck up a conversation in sign. Kyla and my mom are talking to Paula. CJ isn't here yet, but I expect her grand entrance. I like seeing the family all in one place. "You look just like your mommy and daddy" Madison gives a sad smile. Rowan bounds over to us.

"Can I hold her?" When Madison gives the okay I don't hesitate to hand her over. He should get the practice in just in case this girl wants to keep the baby. Madison helps show him how to hold her and even after he gets it he looks awkward. "She's so little"

"Yeah she is", Madison responds with a smile.

"Hi" She grabs his finger and he watches her with this look of amazement. "I'm your cousin Rowan"

The door opens and in walks CJ. She makes a beeline for Spencer and snatches her up before heading back outside. The whole room is silent for a minute and then conversations resume.

"Where are Clay and Chelsea?"

"Chelsea is in the backyard arguing with Clay on the phone. He didn't exactly want to come" I nod understandingly. Spencer and he still haven't made up. It seems neither has intentions too.

"How is Glen doing?" I'm whispering which doesn't make sense since everyone knows. I think it's because I'm trying to make her feel comfortable.

"He's making it…we all are"

"Dinner is served"

/

I know I should say something.

I should tell everyone that doesn't know the good news, but there is one major flaw. The seat next to me where Spencer should be is empty. She's still outside with CJ and everyone keeps sending me side glances.

"I'm going to go…pee" I push back my seat and excuse myself. Instead of going to the bathroom I go out front to go get Spencer. I crack open the front door and hear CJ yelling.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Spencer stays silent. "Fuck Spencer…answer me"

"I knew it would hurt you", Spencer responds calmly.

"Hurt me? Spencer it would fucking kill me… I love you"

"I love you too"

"Then how could you be so stupid?" CJ's face is red and there are tear streaks. "How could you…" She stops talking and notices me in the doorway. Spencer turns too and glances back at CJ before heading towards me.

"What's going on?" I stare at Spencer, but her face is unreadable.

"I'm coming in right now" Spencer looks behind her at CJ. "We're done here" Spencer takes my hand and leads me to the living room. "I love you"

"I love you too…what was that?"

"That was CJ being CJ…don't worry" She presses her lips softly against my mine. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be" Together we walk into the dining room and Spencer clears her throat. I lean on her shoulder because apart of me is scared. The way everyone is gawking at us is unnerving. Spencer isn't nervous, she's standing confidently.

"I asked Ashley to marry me and she said yes…we're engaged" She says it with finality so everyone knows that this isn't open to debate.

"Ashley's going to be apart of the family?" Paula has tears in her eyes and I shake my head to confirm that's what she said. "Oh thank god" She wraps me in a hug and the rest of the Carlins follow.

"Welcome to the family chica"

"I'm happy for you two"

"Now I have another daughter" Arthur tosses in. My mother comes over to me, crying the same as Paula.

"My baby's getting married" We hug and soon I find myself letting out a few tears. "Take care of her Spencer"

"I swear I will"

"We have a lot of planning to do"


	53. Chapter 53

**Tiniest Notion**

(Rowan's POV)

Two Weeks Later

"Spencer?" She continues doing dishes while I jump up on the counter. Ashley made dinner so Spencer offered to clean up while she showers.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about…"

"I know" She stops washing and stares at me. "I know you are Rowboat" She finishes the last couple of dishes and turns off the water. "Did you apologize to her?"

"I did"

"Since she's told you she's pregnant?" I hang my head. "It can't be easy for her…finding out she's going to be a teen mom. Then having the baby's father be a jerk on top of that"

"It's a big deal for me too. This is going to change my entire life"

"Not in the same way. You won't have to walk around with a billboard saying 'I'm pregnant'. She's going to physically change Rowan. No one will know you're the father unless you tell them"

Leave it to Spencer to make sense.

"Damn it Spencer"

"Language", she reprimands. "I'm sure that right now she's scared and all she wants… is to feel like everything is going to be okay" We both hear Ashley's footsteps coming down the stairs. "That's all everyone wants" Ashley comes into the kitchen with her hair wet from the shower in shorts and one of Spencer's shirts. "Good shower?"

"Lonely shower" She wraps her arms around Spencer's neck.

"Next time I'll make sure to fix that"

"You guys are fucking gross"

"Language", they say at the same time.

/

After hearing what Spencer said last night I decided that I need to talk to Rubi. I've been looking for her all day at school and I still can't find her. Lunch comes around and I'm officially sulking.

"Dude is this about Amber? You need to get over…"

"This isn't about Amber", I mumble before eating a French fry.

"So this is about that Lopez chick" He pushes his tray forward and sighs. "Why do you even care about her?"

"I don't"

"So why the fuck are you sitting here moping?"

"I just need to talk to her" I throw the fry I was eating on my tray.

"Then talk to her"

"I can't find her"

"She's in the theater, she…" I'm up and heading towards the theater before he can finish. I crack open the theater door and slip inside. There's music playing and I see Rubi on the stage.

_You know it ain't easy  
For these thoughts here to leave me_

She sways side to side.

_There's no words to describe it  
In French or in English_

She spins around moves gracefully across the floor.

_Cause diamonds they fade  
And flowers they bloom  
And I'm telling you_

I take a seat in one of the back rows. I watch her move in her black tights and long white tank top. Then I see the guitar boy from before join her. He wraps her arms tightly around her waist. Her arms come up his neck and her fingers run through his hair.

They start moving together, almost as one.

_These feelings won't go away  
They've been knocking me sideways  
They've been knocking me out lately  
Whenever you come around me_

He lifts her up and brings her down slowly and I get this strange pang in my chest.

_These feelings won't go away  
They've been knocking me sideways  
I keep thinking in a moment that  
Time will take them away_

Once her feet touch the ground she elegantly twirls around him. She wraps her arms around him from behind. His hands rip hers from his chest, but hers return to their original place.

_These feelings won't go away…  
These feelings won't go away…_

He moves out of her grasp and she jumps onto his back. He spins them both around and she's facing him now.

"This guy is getting fresh with the mother of my child" I move to walk towards the stage, but something stops me.

They aren't dancing anymore.

She's crying into his shoulder and he sets her down. He doesn't remove his arms from her, he just holds her tighter.

"Please don't cry", I hear him say.

She just cries harder. I feel like I'm intruding so I slowly back away when the boy's eyes find me. He leans in and whispers in her ear. She glances up and follows his line of sight.

"Rowan", her whisper echoes in the room. The guy says something to her in a voice too low for me to hear. She nods her head and he walks away sending a scowl in my direction. "What are you doing here?" I shove my hands in my pockets and make my way to her.

"I've been looking for you"

"Why? Did you want to personally hand me a pregnancy test?"

"I've been a jerk"

"No arguments here" She wipes at her face, but more tears come.

"You're crying"

"Obviously I picked a genius" I slowly bring my thumb up to her cheek wiping away the tears there. She slaps away my hand and folds her arms. "You apologized, you can go"

"Why are you crying?" She doesn't answer so I ask again. "Rubi why are you…"

"I'll never get to be a dancer… My audition for Julliard is a waste of time and I can't tell my dad that because it'll kill him… He'll hate me and say that I'm just like my mother… because I am. I am so stupid"

"We both are"

"You won't be the one with the bump"

"No… I'll just be the one standing by you…taking care of you" She glances up and the bell rings for lunch to be over. "Can we talk? Like seriously talk"

"The bell…"

"Is just a bell…and it's just a class. This talk can't wait"

/

"I held a baby" I hand Rubi the bag of sour patch kids. She said it's her favorite candy so I went to the vending machines and got some stuff. "It was my little cousin, but she's still a baby"

"How was it?"

"It was…different. She's seemed so small" Rubi nods her head. "And when I was holding her…I thought that maybe I wouldn't make a bad dad"

"Yeah", she replies numbly.

"How do you know for sure that you're…" Yes, I know asking that makes me an asshole. But it's killing me not to know for sure.

"My period was due around the time we got together"

"Oh" I sink down in my seat. "I read online that it takes at least four weeks to know for sure"

"Rowan…look in my bag" She rests her head on her hand. I grab her backpack off of the floor in front of her. "Front pocket" I follow her directions and see something wrapped in toilet tissue. I unravel it to see a pregnancy test inside.

My first thought is I hope no pee got on my fingers.

My second thought is its positive.

"It's been four weeks", she finishes. I count back in my head and sure enough, she's right. "I took it this morning. Then I contemplated throwing myself down the school stairs"

"That's not funny", I frown.

"Do you see me laughing?" She stares at me incredulously. "Nothing about this is funny"

"You're not killing our baby" She shakes her head.

"Don't even pretend that you wouldn't be jumping for joy if this pregnancy disappeared"

"You're not killing our fucking kid and that's final" I stand up and pace in front of her. "I have rights too you know" My mind is reeling from this conversation. This is too much to process all at once. "I thought you were going to keep it"

"I was. It wasn't until you went to the vending machine that I truly thought about this. I'm sixteen Rowan and you're fifteen. We are in no way qualified to raise a child. If I get an…"

"Don't say it", I grimace.

"I can still live my life as planned. I can live my dreams and get out of this damned city. LA is killing me Rowan…"

I take my seat and bury my head in my hands. I don't know why I'm fighting her on this. It's not like I want to raise a kid, especially with her. But after holding little Ashley, I was coming around to the idea.

After all this kid would be the only blood relative I have. My parents and my sister are gone. Both of my parents were only children so I don't have any aunts are uncles. If I had this kid, then there would be someone who I share blood with.

"Please…" I don't recognize my own voice it sounds so broken. "Please don't do this Rubi" I can hear her choked sobs. I glance up at her. "Don't do this. I told my moms and they are okay with it. They are disappointed in me, but they will help us. You can move in with us, we have the room. I have the money to take care of you two" I can feel myself tearing up. "You don't have to do this"

"Please don't ask me to do this", she counters. "Don't ask me to raise a child I don't want"

I grab my backpack before walking out of the building. I make it as far as my locker before I start to cry. I'm hitting my locker and I'm pretty sure my hand is fucked up.

And none of this matters.

/

Christmas break comes and Rubi doesn't speak to me. I invest most of my time into getting presents for my family. This Christmas we are having everyone over to my house.

"I'm nervous", Ashley says for the tenth time. She always seems worried when it comes to family gatherings. "What if…" Before Ashley can even get it out Spencer is wrapping her in a hug.

"Everything is going to be perfect", she says before pressing her lips against Ashley's.

I'd be grossed out if I wasn't so happy for them.

The doorbell rings, but neither of them moves to get it. They just stand there staring at each other with smiles on their faces. When the doorbell rings again I head to the front door, ready to greet our family.

Who I don't expect to see is Rubi Lopez.

"I can't give this baby up… And I hate you so much for it", she says before walking into my arms.


End file.
